Friends after breakup

LegacyUser

I won't go into full detail, it's the usual breakup story,

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago (we're both 26), it started with a temporary break but she then decided she wanted it to be permanent. I've been getting mixed signals from her since, sometimes hinting she wanted to get back then saying she doesn't want to be hurt in the same way again if we broke up further down the line.

Anyways, she now seems to be determined not to try again. I'm extremely hurt by this cos I still love her. I told her today however, that I didn't want to be friends with her because seeing her just hurts too much.

She didn't like that at all, she actually got very upset!

Am I wrong to say that? It is too tough for me, I'm at the worst point of the breakup now, it's only sunk in that it's really over

Wibbs

Breaks normally turn into breakups from what I've seen. OK so now its over. Well IMHO I think you're right. Going from lovers to friends is not an option at this stage in your emotional process. Sure its fine for the one leaving, they've already made a decision and if they get to keep you as a "friend", they get to have their way, without losing the parts of you they don't want. They get to have you as a backup while they work out what they want, or move on to the next person. You'll be holding their emotional hand until such time as they do. They're not the ones losing. Cake and eat it time.

This is why she's getting upset. She's thinking of her feelings not yours. Everybody does, but anyone with a modicum of insight would see this is not good for the other person. Anytime Ive dumped someone I cut them out pretty completely. Yes at the time they didnt want that as they were still holding on to hope, but they healed quicker and one actually thanked me years later. If someone dumps me, same deal. I walk. I don't do downgrades and lover to "friends" is one.

If someone breaks up with you, well then let them and let them feel the consequences of that. Not out of vindictiveness either but to let yourself heal.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

She didn't like that at all, she actually got very upset!

Tough ****. Those are the consequences of her actions. Breaking up with someone means accepting the possibility that you'll never see them again. She obviously didn't. Now she is. It also explains why she was giving mixed signals: she was in a position to. Now that it's done properly, the reality has crashed down.

Her happiness isn't your resposability (it never was in the first place) so don't be feeling bad that you're cutting her out. Get yourself back on track. Wibbs is spot on. You and her will both heal much faster.

Poloman

I completely agree people need their distance after a break up. Its rare people can be close friends especially so soon after. There s still too much emotion there.

I dont stay in touch with me exes. Whats the point.

star-pants

Wagon wrote: »

Tough ****. Those are the consequences of her actions. Breaking up with someone means accepting the possibility that you'll never see them again. She obviously didn't. Now she is. It also explains why she was giving mixed signals: she was in a position to. Now that it's done properly, the reality has crashed down.

Her happiness isn't your resposability (it never was in the first place) so don't be feeling bad that you're cutting her out. Get yourself back on track. Wibbs is spot on. You and her will both heal much faster.

Agreed - I've done the whole attempting to keep in contact with guys who broke up with me and believe me it just hurts a million times more.
She broke up with you, she can't expect you to come running just because she's having second thoughts. She should have talked it out with you before breaking up if she was unsure. She did the breaking - so let her deal with the loss.

themadchef

Completely agree with what Wibbs posted.

After 2 years together no doubt she's going to miss you too for lots of different reasons. It would be very handy for her to keep you close enough to lean on. This will only wreck your head though as you may cling to hopes of getting back together. What happens when she meets someone else?

She's the one who done the breaking up. How exactly you're supposed to swap intimacy for friendship all of a sudden i have no idea. When it's over....it's over. Maybe in a few years when the wounds heal, but sure as Hell not yet.

My advice, you're dead right, think of yourself. You're not being selfish, you're being practical. I can totally understand her reasons, but they have her interests at heart, certainly not yours.

Mr. Frost

Unregistered wrote: »

I won't go into full detail, it's the usual breakup story,

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago (we're both 26), it started with a temporary break but she then decided she wanted it to be permanent. I've been getting mixed signals from her since, sometimes hinting she wanted to get back then saying she doesn't want to be hurt in the same way again if we broke up further down the line.

Anyways, she now seems to be determined not to try again. I'm extremely hurt by this cos I still love her. I told her today however, that I didn't want to be friends with her because seeing her just hurts too much.

She didn't like that at all, she actually got very upset!

Am I wrong to say that? It is too tough for me, I'm at the worst point of the breakup now, it's only sunk in that it's really over

Do what you have to to help yourself get over it. If it means cutting ties with ther then tough **** for her. She broke up with you. Let her be and as I said, look out for yourself for a while.

Otis Driftwood

Agree with the rest of the posters OP.My most recent break up was something similar.She ended it,I was crushed and told her I didnt want to stay in touch.She agreed but then after a couple of weeks started emailing me cos she had hit a bit of a rough patch.We ended up getting back together and after a few months she turned around and ended it again.I made her delete my number,changed my email address and deleted her from my facebook friends.It was tough and I do get the occasional pang when I hear a certain song or whatever but it does get easier.A clean break is the only way for the healing to start.Good luck to you.

LegacyUser

OP here,

thanks for the replies, all great advice and completely reassures my decision.
It's still going to be very tough though, I'm finding it hard to take my mind off things.

Wibbs

It will be tough at times, but it will pass and it'll pass a damn sight quicker if she's not bending your ear and picking at the emotional scab.

Gyalist

What would help you most is if you didn't get sucked into her frame by answering her texts, emails, etc. While that may not seem like the mannerly thing to you have to remember that it was she who ended the relationship and she has to face the consequences of that.

ladiee24

couldn't agree more with the other posters & wibbs especially hits the nail on the head. i finshed with my ex 3 months ago we tried the friends thing it only gave me false hope in the end i had to say no i just can't do this it hurts too much i'm getting there now realising i'm still me without an OH but i feel way better for it!

hope you'll be the same OP keep your friends around you & you'll be sailing

hobochris

Ive been in this position myself in the past. I decided it was best for an all or nothing approach, she did the braking up i cut her out of my life. I have no regrets about this.
In my opinion its selfish of her... doesnt want the relationship but wants you there on backup / emotional support...

homerun_homer

Unregistered wrote: »

Am I wrong to say that? It is too tough for me, I'm at the worst point of the breakup now, it's only sunk in that it's really over

You are not wrong at all and you are doing the right thing if you do this. I've said it in other threads before but you can't stay friends with an ex if one of you still has feelings. At the very least you have to wait til both of you have moved on and the hurt disappears, then you can be friends again but to remain friends will tear you inside out. Don't do it, speaking from personal experience. It's only going to lead to a more awkward situation that brings you to the same point.

If you ex-couples that always remained friends then it is most likely they grew apart and both wanted the break. That's when these situations work.

thebigcheese22

Wagon wrote: »

Tough ****. Those are the consequences of her actions. Breaking up with someone means accepting the possibility that you'll never see them again. She obviously didn't. Now she is. It also explains why she was giving mixed signals: she was in a position to. Now that it's done properly, the reality has crashed down.

Her happiness isn't your resposability (it never was in the first place) so don't be feeling bad that you're cutting her out. Get yourself back on track. Wibbs is spot on. You and her will both heal much faster.

Yeah I've been in this situation OP and I'm sorry to say it just doesn't work in the vast majority of cases.

I know she broke up with you but I think you feel that if you go back being friends she might take ya back? I certainly felt that way in my situation but I eventually realised its unhealthy and its better for yourself if you just end that part of your life. I did and after a while I accepted it and am a much happier person

I did love that girl but she didn't love me so there's nothing you can do, thats life

Wibbs

thebigcheese22 wrote: »

I did love that girl but she didn't love me so there's nothing you can do, thats life

I agree very much with the rest of your post, but I disagree slightly with this bit. IMHO you loved the girl and she may also have loved you. The important bit is that she didnt love you enough to stay. That's the thing. When a split happens and you're left holding the pieces that realisation is the bit that always came to me. She just didn't love me enough, no matter what she said at the time. That's fine too. That's her(or his) choice. What shouldn't be their choice is to keep you hanging on to no good end for you.

thebigcheese22

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree very much with the rest of your post, but I disagree slightly with this bit. IMHO you loved the girl and she may also have loved you. The important bit is that she didnt love you enough to stay. That's the thing. When a split happens and you're left holding the pieces that realisation is the bit that always came to me. She just didn't love me enough, no matter what she said at the time. That's fine too. That's her(or his) choice. What shouldn't be their choice is to keep you hanging on to no good end for you.

Thats very true.
Sorry to the OP to get off topic!:o

I suppose in my case she spouted the BS that she wanted to be friends but not going out. It was disingenious and I don't think she meant it. That gave me false hope and took me a lot longer to get over her than it would have. Of course she did go for a German less than a week after we broke up so kinda glad we never ended up friends!:o
I think some women think its a less hurtful thing to say when you're breaking up with someone, but IMO it makes it worse.

Again to the OP I'd recommend not talking to her for a good while, unless its with a group of friends etc.

Anyway thats my 2 cents, sorry for going off topic again OP!

The Cheese

LegacyUser

OP again,

Don't worry about it going off topic, it's still an interesting read.

Thanks again to everyone, I'm enjoying these posts.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

OP again,

Don't worry about it going off topic, it's still an interesting read.

Thanks again to everyone, I'm enjoying these posts.

You would be very suprised how common this problem is, it pops up here quite a bit on PI I reckon many are afraid to break contact completely because they often feel that they owe their ex something like friendship, an agony aunt who'll listen to their problems etc... It's like way of telling someone you still care about them beyond the sexual level.

Many are also afraid that they would look like the bad guy. The person doing the dumping can easily turn around and say "Yeah, I told him i wanted to be his friend but he didn't want that! What a horrible bastard!" Again, makes themselves feel better about it and is a bit of a cop out really.