How can I love the wrong guy so much?

LegacyUser

I was with a guy last year. Now I am not the most girly girl or romantic in the world but from the minute we met I have never clicked with anyone so much,same sense of humour,I have never felt so "in love" with anyone in my life. He stayed this perfect amazing guy for about a month. Then literally overnight he changed ( coincidentally shortly after we slept together ) Now to be honest he showed his true colours to be an arrogant cocky guy, would come over to inform me of all the women in work who were mad about him, tell me I was crap at my job, ignore my calls then go crazy if I missed one of his, put me down (jokingly at first, then less subtle), arrange to meet me then call 15 minutes before we were due to meet and cancel.

The normal self respecting me would have knocked it on the head but in my loved up state I just excused everything, took it that it was me, tried to be better (ridiculous because I know if a friend did this I would be the first to tell them to get the hell out). Finally copped myself on after I spent the night with him and he changed from all sweet and sexy until we got to bed and he changed, refused to speak to me or acknowledge me and held me down and had the roughest sex I have ever had (ok please don't misinterpret this I am not saying he raped me, I got in bed, I was there to sleep with him but to explain we went from normal bed stuff to me pleading with him at one stage to stop because he was hurting me so much - he wouldn't respond to me at all just stared at me the whole time - I was covered in bruises for weeks after and in serious pain). The next morning he wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't tell me why he was ignoring me, kissed me goodbye that was it.

Anyway once I had time to think things through I was annoyed, at myself as much as him, upset, etc and I am not one to go begging people back so I left him be and we lost contact until we bumped into each other at a party. He kissed some random girl in front of me and I didn't respond so he called me the following day to see I was ok

I was devastated at the way things ended. I know it is so stupid only a few months, but I was ill for quite a while after it happened. Disgusted at myself for falling for him, wishing he would call and explain why he changed the way he did. He got in touch with me just before Christmas and when I didn't give in straight away gave me some one liner email apology saying how he was a dickhead and i deserved none of what he did...

So we have been chatting on and off since then he keeps hinting at us hooking up and I put my foot down on one occasion and told him its not happening I would be stupid to let it .. I played it cool for ages when he was contacting me and only really responding in the past month ( I know I shouldn't respond to him at all - really I have had this argument with myself time and again ) . But he keeps blowing hot and cold some days he messages me telling me he misses us and has never met anyone like me BUT he won't waste my time because he is too young to have a gf (almost 30) and knows he will hurt me (but that I know as well as he does how good we are so I am being stupid not hooking up with him!) Then other days he will IM or Text me and if i respond he won't reply.

I know that I am still in love with him. I also know I am probably only in love with the guy I fell for and just choosing to ignore all the bad things that he said and did, hoping he will change. I can't meet anyone else, I compare every man who speaks to me to him. I don't sit in moping about him like I get on with life but I am so miserable. After him my confidence was shattered, I lost stacks of weight, went though a really bad time. I know he is bad for me, I know I was be sick if a friend was with someone like him but I can't push him out of my head. I really am disgusted at myself letting him get to me like this and I don't blame him I blame myself - I just can't get myself out of this rut and get my confidence etc back to normal.

Really sorry for ranting and I know most people will just say I am a dopey cow I just haven't been able to talk to people about it and maybe just writing it all down will somehow help. Opinions/advise welcomed.. thanks

sardineta

If you like rough, painful, detached sex (hey, some girls do) then yeah, go for it - he's a hell of a catch!

Sparks43

you got an arsehole

but get over him for your own sanity


gl

LegacyUser

I was there to sleep with him but to explain we went from normal bed stuff to me pleading with him at one stage to stop because he was hurting me so much

When does it become rape after you plead with him to stop??

I am shocked by this.

degrassinoel

sorry to say this, but that guy has serious mental issues.

you must be going through hell, i know exactly what it's like to find out your partner is a completely different person to the one you thought you knew, and what's more is i did what you did too, trust me, it will not work, you'll have your heart broken by this fruitcake, and he'll see it as a game/pastime/hobby to mess with your head. He's already doing it with texts and IM's

Seriously, avoid that person at all costs!

grizzly

<SNIP>

LegacyUser

you said he held you downand didnt stop when you asked? that has to e some form of sexual assault

he sounds like a nut job, try and stay well away from him, get back on the dating scene hopefully youll find somone whos not insane

cantdecide

Give yourself some credit for having enough self respect to get away from him. Too many women don't even get this far.

Next time you find yourself day-dreaming about him, just look in the mirror and tell yourself that he's a nasty, mean SOB and you have to stop dwelling on the guy you thought he was because leaving was a no-brainer. You will start to realise it's the truth soon.

Start meeting other men too. Even if your heart isn't in it, go through the motions because you need to move forward even if you don't think anything will come of it. You might be surprised by someone but you won't know until you make the effort. There are plenty of decent guys out there who will treat you right and rock your world- it's a question of finding them.

The Sweeper

You think you love him because he's keeping you so off centre that you can't get a proper sense of just how badly he's treating you.

Re-read your own post. Do you think you deserve this?

Reply to this. Tell me "I deserve to be sexually assaulted, played like an idiot, unappreciated, controlled, lied to, manipulated and treated like a doormat."

I want to see you type it, because that's frankly what you're letting yourself in for. Don't kid yourself. If you stay hankering after this guy, you're volunteering for abuse.

And here's a tip - when someone behaves like that, it's never you, but he'll always try to convince you it's at least half your fault.

Overheal

Whats to love? He insults and degrades you, sounds manipulative, and doesnt mind forcing himself on to you. A clear lack of morality. Stinks of egomania, trying to get a rise out of you (by making scenes with other girls etc) so he can feel self-important. In short, its a mental derangement. And for your own sake leave it at that: thats a very toxic personality to be around, and you did the right thing by getting away from it.

Honestly though: whats to love here? I got nothing.

Cut this cancer out of your life, he has no place in it. The Withdrawal Symptoms you may be experiencing will subside given enough time. But dont let this sick bastard put his hands on you ever again.

I agree with Jack right above: its hard to listen to your own common sense in those cases, but you have to. You cant keep thinking "If only he would change for me..." I'm sorry, it just doesn't happen. Change is something that happens very slowly over vast lengths of time, meanwhile you will lose yourself trying to accommodate a borderline rapist. Thats why you cant quite place that uncertainty I know you are feeling - its because its a mental instability that he chooses to embrace. It leads to Irrationality - Meaning, its impossible to quantify. You cant make sense out of an irrational personality because, frankly, there is none. Dont waste your life trying.

Nitxteha

This is how he is manipulating you:

1- being charming at first (to mislead you thinking that could be his real personality)

2- undermining your self-confidence (not taking your calls, telling you are bad at work, changing from warm to cold, his totally unacceptable attitude in sex towards you..)

3-now you are totally vulnerable and you are under his control. This is a bit like what cult sects do.

This situation is not "romantic" at all, like in the songs "oh, I'm such a fool for being in love with him..".

It doesn't sound like a normal guy at all. He actually sounds mental. From what you have written, he sounds not only a bad person buy also a dangerous one.

Build up your self confidence again, if necessary get professional help.

He does not love you, he may harm you again, stay away, cut all contact.

Healthy relationships have to be nice and easy, if a guy changes like this after a month, well, bad luck, move one, that's why people go out with others, to get to know each other and if with the time, the other person makes your life happier, well, make a bigger commitment, or? Focus on finding that person and forget about this guy, let him be only a ditch in your road

LegacyUser

This story sounds so familiar to me. Ill tell you mine.Last year i got caught up in a very similiar relationship. I was mad about a boy(nearly 30) who treated me terrible. And like you i knew he was but i kept going back for more. Everytime i would pull away, he would bombared me with emails and texts telling me how wonderful i was.

When i got back with him he would criticise me constantly then pretend he was joking. He used the fact that he had a difficult childhood to be controlling, manipulitive and nasty. Everyone thought he was wonderful. I was confident, fun, pretty and sucessfull. I also have a child.He was aggressive and bullying. he threw water over when i slept, kicked a television in in front of me and smashed his fist threw a window and made me feel this was my fault.

This boy made me feel **** for having a child, for having put myself through college, for saving money, for going on holidays. he criticised me when I was going to buy a house, my sons father, what i wore, asked to borrow money, flipped when i mentioned a soap star me and my friend fancied, had many women friends and many disasterous relationships(some involved him hitting women).

I ended up pregnant(two forms of contraception failed and he had dumped me again. He had also got three other women pregnant in the past,two ended in abortions, one women miscarried ) and he suddenly decided he wanted to be father of the year. He promised me this that and the other. I was left alone when he went out partying. When i rang him he told me to ring my friends. I had an abortion. I came home and spent the night crying while he partied with his friends.i lost two jobs. It was a horrific time but.... i still went back for more.

i really understand the pull back you feel. I also went to counselling and still do.

During the summer, i lost a stone and a half and was like a walking skeleton. I was snappy and narky and my friends all despised this boy. I took my child to Thialand and broke all contact even though it was very hard. I returned and slowly got back to me. I continued counselling and visited a lot of friends. I started a new course and i read this book "women who love too much".

I laughed , smiled and enjoyed small things each day. I started to love me again. Life for me is really fantastic right now.

Hey, then he called me on private number, emailed me and generally wormed his way back in. While he was calling me telling me he loved me he was seeing other women. I decided to give him another chance:( SAd i know!) He ended up carrying on the same telling me i had changed for the worst and continued TRYING his old tricks.

But he was right, i had changed i had copped on to him and he couldnt get away with his nasty spineless childlike behaviour. He dumped me by text for not agreeing with his point of view. And I didnt cry or think my world was going to fall apart. I laughed and when he rang to say sorry , i said I didnt want to know.

its been nearly three months and I look back and dont know who that girl was....but i will never forget the feelings of sadness, pain, guilt, lonliness, despair. I feel embaressed by my own behaviour.

I still get the odd email and text and i rarely respond. On the one occassion i did, saying things were going great for me, he responded saying "well, i am miserable, glad you are happy". I dont mention his name any more. I dont know how i fell for somebody like him.

I wanted to share my story with you. He will never changed. I had to change in order to make myself strong enough to get away from him. I really truly undersatnd where you are coming from. Its your choice. Do whatever you have to do to get away from the control he has over you. It took me, months of counselling, a trip abroad, a whole load of fantastic friends, a pregnancy and an abortion which i would not wish on anybody.

It was like someone else said he was a nasty leech that used me to make him self better. I wish him well but when i read your story , it took me back and it sounds just like him. Do yourself a favour and love yourself first because it will be the most worthwhile thing you ever do.

thinking of you and hope you listen to the advice here because this was where i first posted(a number of times) and from here things changed for me for the better.

LegacyUser

Im a guy and for the life of me I am just completly unable to fathom why some women go back to guys like this again and again. What does he have to offer you.....nothing from what I can see. Where is your self respect? He shouldt even be a momentry thought in your head! Cut him out of your life altogether and you will soon get over him. There are plenty of great guys out there and you are letting them pass by because of that dickhead!!

Salome

You write like an intelligent woman - can you re-read what you've written and understand that you have to stay the hell away from this man? He's the type of man that may end up seriously hurting you physically and mentally - or worse.

Please, talk to your friends, lean on them when you feel you need to talk to him but please please please, cut all contact with him otherwise he will destroy you.

anniehoo

Do me a big favour..please read what you posted and pretend its your best friend telling you the story! You know what you would say to her! It is hard when you're caught up in the flurry and confusion of "love" but please take a massive step back and see what you just said. Its not good,its not healthy and you deserve a million times better than this joke of a man is giving you! Good luck

Jammyc

This is not a man that it is healthy for you to spend your days with!
IMO you should get out now

Silly Girl wrote: »

me pleading with him at one stage to stop because he was hurting me so much - he wouldn't respond to me at all just stared at me the whole time - I was covered in bruises for weeks after and in serious pain

Reading that made my blood boil. I actually feel it.
You wont call it rape, but well whatever it shall be called, its disgusting.
It shows that he has absolutley no regard for anyone's needs but his own.

Make the right decision

dreamlogic

It is natural when you meet some new man to think or feel that they can't measure up, because you have been so used to being with the same person and only having eyes for him. You are not ready to meet someone new. The best thing to do is be single for a while. And decide that you are going to stay single for the forseeable future. Begin to think of your time as precious and see this as a phase of growth and learning for you.

Put yourself first now, think of what has been missing in your life, what have you been missing out on doing. Try to see the bigger picture. We only have one life and we cannot get these months and years back..

Some time will pass and you will begin to see more clearly that he did not love you, he wasn't even your friend.. Some more time will pass and you will hopefully get your self-confidence back and you wouldn't go back to him if he was the last man alive on earth!

Yes it hurts at first, it hurts like hell to have your heart broken. But the longer you keep the wound open, the longer it will take for you to get over him, and the longer you will delude yourself into thinking that you love him because you can't(or won't) forget him...

Wibbs

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

You think you love him because he's keeping you so off centre that you can't get a proper sense of just how badly he's treating you.

Yep and that's how abusers operate. It can be confusing too as that emotional high and low can be mistaken for the real thing. You end up anchoring strong bad emotions to one person, just because they're strong, not because they're the right person. Throw in physical attraction and all bets are off.

Re-read your own post. Do you think you deserve this?

Reply to this. Tell me "I deserve to be sexually assaulted, played like an idiot, unappreciated, controlled, lied to, manipulated and treated like a doormat."

I want to see you type it, because that's frankly what you're letting yourself in for. Don't kid yourself. If you stay hankering after this guy, you're volunteering for abuse.

Agreed and at that point I would be asking myself why. If this is a once off eejit, well everyone screws up at least once and has an eejit in their past, men and women. If it has happened before then at some level you're picking them.

And here's a tip - when someone behaves like that, it's never you, but he'll always try to convince you it's at least half your fault.

I agree with one codicil; if you go back to him it will be your "fault".

Dragan

Sometimes when i am reading posts like these i find it best to put myself in the mind of a total ****ing bastard and then see how that bastard reacts. It can lead to some very interesting interpretations and some funny looks in work as i do the relevant actions. Anyway.....

The guy never "changed" so stop trying to figure out what that happened. This is one of the most overused tactics in the wanker hand book. "They used to be so nice and sweet", "They used to be so loving and caring"...nope, they weren't. That was all a very cleverly constructed ruse to suck you in. Now you associate the change with having been since you came on the seen, so you feel you know what he was like before and can change him back. That keeps you sticking around to take plenty of ****. The hard truth of it is he was a wanker when you met him and he's still a wanker now.

Now then, if a male friend of mine turned around to me and said "yeah, me and herself were going at it last night, at one point i was holding her down ****ing her really hard and she was begging me to stop but i didn't" I would, quite simply, hurt him very badly, dump him in the street and then disown him. What happened there was a very serious incident. I know it might be easier to write it off as being sex, but it wasn't. Something horrible happened to you and it's perfectly okay to be upset and a bit scared, even now.

The reason he is NOW telling you that he feels that he will hurt you, and thinks he is bad for you is because that is Rule the Second of being a career prick. If you go back to him knowing this, if YOU stay with him and he has told you this, then you accepting this behaviour. "You knew i was like this when you got with me" , "I thought you loved me for me" etc etc....all the same ****e, all pushing the blame back on you. It's not HIS behaviour, it's YOUR acceptance of it. In a way, the twisted logic is right, you know this guy is no good for you, if you go back to him you are endorsing a relationship that will be based around control, abuse and apparently rape.

Stop contacting him, stop validating him, stop blaming yourself for having been played. As already said, it happens to everyone and is a vitally important part of human development. You get sucked in, you get betrayed, you get a bit more clever.

Most of all, you seem like a fairly bright and intelligent woman...so just stop being so stupid. You knew the guy a month, you weren't in love...it was a chemical infatuation, that's it. I suggest you move on, and move on up.

TheDollyParton

Oh man, you sound so much like me it's crazy. I was in a very similar position until about 6 weeks ago. Was seeing a guy who frankly, is mental, for about 8 months. He did all the things you mentioned, including the rough sex. I kept trying to justify it to myself, but really couldn't understand why I wouldn't let it go. My friends were continually telling me to cut all ties but I just couldn't.

One night I was away for the weekend with friends, and having a really lovely time and then I got one of his usual phone calls. He had crashed the car drunk driving, and when I pointed out that he was lucky that no one else was involved and that he hadn't injured himself he started giving out to me, saying that was no help to him and hung up. Several rude and obnoxious phone calls later I deleted his number and turned my phone off. Something just clicked, I realised that I deserved so much better than what he had to offer and that no amount of attraction/magnetism/occasional good times were going to make up for how awful he could be. Since then I have spoken to him once, just to tell him that I wasn't going to be in touch any more. He has texted me about 12 or 13 times but I havne't replied and kept deleting his number. It hasn't been easy but whenever I've felt myself wavering I've rung good friends and asked them to remind me of why it was a bad idea for me to be in touch with him. It's tough but I'm proud of myself for finally saying that it wasn't good enough. Because it wasn't.

I don't know if that's any help to you, but what I try to do is ask myself would I be happy on my wedding day if this guy was at the alter...and if the answer is no...then...over.

AngryBadger

As has been said OP, this is a game. Don't beat yourself up too much for giving this guy so many chances. Sometimes we meet people and we feel something for them, (for whatever crazy reasons), and in that vein we make excuses for everything they do because we want them to be something they're not. It's not a crime to want somebody.

Unfortunately this guy has revealed himself as nothing but a self-involved game-playing nob jockey.

It's tough but you have to stop playing his game. Every message he sends, every simple selfish little comment or mood swing, it's all designed to pull your strings to make you feel bad, or like you're missing out on something.

Be firm, be resolute. Don't play his game.

star-pants

AngryBadger wrote: »

Unfortunately this guy has revealed himself as nothing but a self-involved game-playing nob jockey.

Be firm, be resolute. Don't play his game.

This is all you need to know OP -
he has used you and is still trying to use you. He's hurt you emotionally and physically - that's just not on. This ex is just plain horrible and manipulative and you don't need that.

I know I've made excuses for people before and it's easy to do when you're in the situation, when you're the one with the feelings, but as others have said, step outside for a moment and look in. You deserve so much better than this guy. Do as you have done - stay away from him. Don't let him play on your feelings. And in time, you won't compare every guy to him, unless it's to say 'wow this guy is decent compared to the last one'.

glezo

Silly Girl wrote: »

.

went from normal bed stuff to me pleading with him at one stage to stop because he was hurting me so much - he wouldn't respond to me at all just stared at me the whole time - I was covered in bruises for weeks after and in serious pain).

i feel symphty for you

but been totally honest he did rape you..
you asked him to stop that he was hurting you and he ignored your call

dont love a man who can do this to you

pseudonym1

What is it that makes you want to be with this guy - self destruction ?

You can NOT fix him improve his state of mind actions.

You need to cut all contact with this man and live the life you deserve!

Do not go for any guy that resembles this behaviour in future - in fact take time out and realise you deserve to be treated well and in return do the the same!

FFS stay away from him

LegacyUser

Hey guys,
OP here. Thanks so much to those who commented. Just seeing it on the screen helped cop me on and the replies were so helpful! Haven't spoken to him since I posted, to be honest haven't thought much of him since either. Thanks for all the support, honestly it did really help me x

tommyboy2222

Hi,

It sounds like you have low self confidence and low self esteem.

Try working on those and you'll be less likely to let assholes treat you like that.