Is signing up to an affair website cheating?

LegacyUser

Hi
Im looking for your advice & opinions.

I've just discovered that my long term partner has created a profile with a website for people looking for an affair / casual relations. Im gutted & in shock. We have been having some problems, but recently been slowly working through them. I can't believe he would of gone this far & actively pursued this option, filling in his details & stating what he's looking for. He has sent off several messages to other users but no replies YET. I realise he hasn't technically done anything but surely this goes beyond just curiousity.

I feel betrayed, I feel numb & total rejection. Do I have a right to feel this way when nothing has been done?

Any help/opinions appreciated.
Thanks

liah

Well he clearly intends on doing something about it. He may change his mind and his conscience might get to him at the last second, sure, but the point is his heart isn't with you right now and you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with him.

Talk to him and ask him what the hell he's thinking.

minidazzler

No not technically cheating, but it's still not on.

As long as you know in a way that was not invading his privacy, (ie Did you read his E-mail?) then talk to him. Have a good excuse for how you know about it. A friend told you about it.

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

Do I have a right to feel this way when nothing has been done?

Sounds to me like nothing has been done because he got no replies.

My question is how do you know so much..did he come clean or do you have passwords?

Honestly, if that's the way he deals with your relationship issues, RUN, fast and don't look back.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

To answer your question I have to hold my hands up & say I found an email (wasn't looking on purpose & have never done that before) from this site, saw the sitename & that was enough to make me look. I managed to log in under his profile as he uses the same password for everything! At that stage I felt there was no going back.

I could really do with some ideas on how to bring this up with him as I have wrongly obtained this info but I'm going crazy trying to act normal.

thanks

MagicMarker

Dealbreaker.

Nitxteha

It's up to you , you can either:

1-Confront him. You are going to have problems there because you have invaded his privacy, but he is "technologically cheating"...

2-keep an eye on it, and just see what he does. You can´t really stop somebody from doing something they want to do. For this option you have to have very cold blood.

The most optimistic reason why he is on that website is that he may only use that to talk about his problems with you with other women..(same as they say they do with prostitues, but online), or to proof himself that he still is "on the market".

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I think you need to really take immediate action. My exH did this to me and eventually left me for one of the women after being with me for many years. He started out casually browsing, and then it spiraled from there. I tried talking to him but he just fobbed me off.We were having problems and he looked elsewhere. He would not go to counselling at all,but I went by myself and it gave me the strength to end the marriage.
Try to get your OH to counselling if possible. If you can talk it out then do so,but if things have got to the point where talking tends to lead to an arguement then sometimes a counsellor can help to get things sorted without heated confrontation. We are using a mediator as a 3rd party to sort out an amiacable divorce and it has really helped to have someone more objective involved.
Above all don't turn a blind eye or swallow excuses for this behaviour as it has to be resolved one way or another . My exH eventually admitted that he wanted out of the relationship and that I had done nothing to deserve it. By going on these sites your OH is taking all the intimacy and trust out of your relationship, he needs to decide who he wants you or the other women.If possible go to counselling yourself if he wont go. It took me many months to face up to what was happening, and it slowly ate away at my self respect.
Good luck

Max Power1

How is that unclear?? He signed up to a website that is intended to set people up. Dealbreaker in my opinion anyway, no second chance. While you could maybe understand a drunken mistake once but this is premeditated.

degrassinoel

have ye thought that he may have registered on that site to see if
'he still has it'?

As you said you both have had a tough time, and maybe he sees this as some kind of reassurance that he is worthy/attractive/etc.. to someone.
ie: maybe he needs to recieve some kind of sexual attention(anonymous flirting with random people) to fortify his ego.

Bring it up with him, but dont assume automaticlly that he's gonna cheat on ye just because he's on some website.

one way of bringing it up would be to ask about his activities on the internet, or ye could be blunt like me and say it out straight.

sardineta

One way of looking at it would be like looking at porn, except this is interactive. That's the most charitable perspective. Even so, there is some level of displacement occurring that you must address within your relationship.

LegacyUser

He is not on the website to flirt or see if he 'still has it'. Don't be so naive. As soon as the right person shows some interest in him its guaranteed he is going to have his pants down and dick in her mouth. Sorry for the crudeness but this is the long and short of it.

LegacyUser

Hmm, I dunno folks. Id occasionally take a look at escort ireland if I'm about to crack one off. It's a weird dirty fantasy, doesn't mean I'd actually go and pay for sex.

This could be a similar thing, knowing he could have an affair and actually having one is a different thing, though admittedly, this is a very generous interpretation of events, and possibly not worth the risk.

marti101

You could sign up as well and see how far he is willing to go.Fake profile and get chatting to him.That way you know yourself what was said and how far hes willing to go.

Wagon

It's like trying to pull someone in a pub while your girlfriend is at home. Doesn't sound good to me. You may as well confront him, I think you snooping is a lot better than what he's playing at. Unless he's having a joke with his mates or something: my own did that to me and before i knew it my inbox was flooded with various emails about wanting to do terrible things to crusty old women. Bastards

Miss Fluff

I doubt it is to discuss the weather. Set up a fake profile, communicate with him and see what his intentions are.

LegacyUser

sounds like entrapment to me

The Corinthian

It is more than likely that your OH is not happy in the relationship. Such a move by him, might be harmless enough as yet, but if there is trouble in paradise, it is the thin edge of the wedge that will result in him actually doing the deed, as it were.

You could confront him over it, but then you'd need to explain that you invaded his privacy, and that could cause more harm than good. Either way, there's an issue there and his going to such sites is a symptom, rather than the cause, and this is what you need to concentrate on.

If you don't deal with why he's unhappy, it really makes no difference whether he goes on this site or not, cheats or not. You'll break up, sooner or later.

So talk to him about how he feels. Don't even bring up the site.

Nappy

Catch him red handed!!

Sign up, organise a meet, and castrate him. Whats the name of tis site?? Fancy takin a peek myself...

Annie Bananie

Exactly the same happened to me and I was gutted! I saw it by accident as well as he had put the site in his favorites. I asked him about it and he said it was all in good fun and was nothing to it.

But I was all upset, cause if it was nothing to it, he could and should have told me about it. We had a talk about it, he said he was sorry and had no intention of hurting me and he agreed to take his profile down which he did.

For fun or not, it made me very uncomfortable and gave me some trust issues I never had before I saw this. Im getting there but its hard work, and over something so silly if it was just "for fun".

I would deffo ask him about it! GL and Im sorry to say, I know exactly how it feels

deisebabe

I would
1) look into all the joint banking/legal details - be prepared
2) Sign up with a profile and start chatting. See what the story is.
OR if you want us all to start wrecking his head with fake details send on a pm to tell us the site and profile name!

Thats an awful thing to happen to you. I would be fit to kill.

Beruthiel

Nappy wrote: »

Catch him red handed!!

Sign up, organise a meet, and castrate him. Whats the name of tis site?? Fancy takin a peek myself...

Banned for a week.

cafecolour

Sending messages is beyond curiosity. Even if he isn't intending to go through with it - and just wants to see what his options are - that still means he's thinking more of ending it.

I'd say don't say anything at the moment. First, as some have advised, def start researching the legal legwork towards divorce (re finance, law, etc.). If you still want to give him another chance, keep going to the counseling but secretly keep an eye on his movement on the site. If you think it's done for, then prepare yourself and end it.

degrassinoel

Unregistered wrote: »

He is not on the website to flirt or see if he 'still has it'. Don't be so naive. As soon as the right person shows some interest in him its guaranteed he is going to have his pants down and dick in her mouth. Sorry for the crudeness but this is the long and short of it.

My Naievity(sp?) is based on the information shown on the OP, however if you are 100% sure he is using the site for the sole purpose of cheating and nothing else, you do need to talk with him, or do something about it.

my (naive)point was that not every man or indeed woman who uses some site to flirt while engaged in a relationship is actually cheating(physiclly).
You need to be 100% sure of what he is and is not doing, my post was to throw in a devil's advocate view of what a percentile of people use these sites for.

Not all blokes are remorseless sexmachines.

LegacyUser

Hi guys
Thanks for you replies. I needed to get an outside view as I've told virtually no-one cos all are too close & emotionally involved i.e. sisters, brothers, friends etc.

I agree with a lot of your comments & personally I want to go the counselling route for now. However I'm not a pushover & am doing this for the sake of our child.
I have been talking to him & in a roundabout way asked him if he had ever thought of leaving / looking elsewhere & he denied it. If he doesn't admit it in a controlled situation of counselling I will confront him. Thats my plan for now but I may explode under the pressure before then!
Personally I view it as the nearing of the end & as some other poster said It's not like it's a drunken mistake, it's premeditated. Thats what hurts the most.
Slowly I'm feeling better about myself & realise it's HIS choice to go this route & only reflects bad on him not me.

Thanks

Talliesin

One thing that people who use hook-up sites are often complaining about is timewasters.

People who use the sites for either a form of pornography and/or for a bit of reässurance that they could pull if they were single.

It's possible that he was doing one or both of those. It doesn't mean he necessarily is planning to go any further (whether going that far is itself cheating or not really depends on the boundaries of your relationship), but it's certainly not a good sign either.

Eric Cartman

ive been hearing a lot about this affair website, does anyone care to PM me the address ?

but op i would have a bit of concern if he filled out a profile or regularly visits this website, if he jsut went to give it a look then i wouldnt be too concerned , talk to him about it, if your having issues in the relationship then maybee councelling , theres a reason why hes on this website

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

However I'm not a pushover & am doing this for the sake of our child.

Never stay with someone simply for the sake of the child.

I have been talking to him & in a roundabout way asked him if he had ever thought of leaving / looking elsewhere & he denied it. If he doesn't admit it in a controlled situation of counselling I will confront him.

So you'll enter counselling with an open mind looking to mend the problems in your relationship. Or not.

Even if he is going to these sites, he's not yet cheated on you, as far as you know - and given you've gone through his account there, I suspect you have a good idea of if he has. He might be thinking so and might do so, if things remain the same between you two, but hopefully not if you make a go at solving your problems.

That is, if you make a go at solving your problems, and your last statement pretty much knocks that on the head.

Personally I view it as the nearing of the end & as some other poster said It's not like it's a drunken mistake, it's premeditated. Thats what hurts the most.
Slowly I'm feeling better about myself & realise it's HIS choice to go this route & only reflects bad on him not me.

I get the impression you had already come here having made your decision and were looking to get validation for it. Well, you've cherry picked your validation from the various responses and that's that.

Do your OH and yourself a favour and don't bother with the counselling. You're only looking to go so that you have an audience for your confrontation, and frankly you're better off saving the expense as the two of you will need the money for solicitors soon enough.

Sorry to be blunt, but there you go.

Sage'sMama

If he has joined this site is not a matter if it's cheating. Even though imo it is. You are feeling hurt and betrayed and the trust is affected. You need to deal with this and maybe take a break and give both of you some time to consider if your relationship is worth saving. But don't let him treat you like this.

Darthhoob

cheating is bad enough when it 'just happens' but when someone is ACTIVELY looking to cheat. thats worse

i'd kick his ass out if it were me...but your not me so only you can make that choice

wishing you well hun x

liger

Was actually wondering what site he was using. Is it an irish site or based elsewhere? I mean if he's looking at slutty pics of real women in another country he's not likely to be flying off to meet up for sex. Reason i ask is that after reading your op i had a look to see what sites are out there because i've never really heard of an Affair Site in ireland.

Anyway i think The Corinthian is right, You seem to have made up your mind already and if thats the case do the both of you a favour and don't hang about, Get it over with quick.

sunnyjim

For all you know, one of his mates could have been on it, and found something funny, like a person they used to know or whatever! Blokes have strange, strange sense of humour.

yellowcurl

Tbh, he prob is having thoughts about cheating. He may realise that he's doing the wrong thing and stop himself, but how many cases do we hear of this? Just be careful and look out for yourself and your kid, no point in being unprepared in these situations.

jmauel

is it cheating? it show the desire to cheat.