Ladies, please...a little help?

JangoFett

I can't find a relationship advice forum on this, anyway...

I've been with this girl on and off for a year and a half or so and the last 3 months we've been really serious. In that time her period was late and she said it was fine but secretly she was freaking out and talking to her mother about having the kid and me not being part of the plan in the slightest.

It has been no secret that I don't want kids but I would step up to my responsibility if it happened. I don't think I'm mature enough for kids, I'm 23 like, very young in my opinion for kids! So when she got her period I was very relieved and jokingly said "**** YEAH!". Now, I know, I KNOW that was a mistake and I've admitted it was an overreaction to say the least, but ever since then she's been off with me. I've apologised profusely but she's been off with me.

I've been asking her what is wrong with her and what can I do to make things ok again and she keeps telling me it's fine but I know things aren't.

So then Thursday night she turns up at my house and tells me that there are things about me that need to change and I have a lot of growing up to do and so on but wouldn't go into specifics. The next day I text her to ask what she meant and what growing up did I need to do, not in the "I think I'm grown up enough" sense and she then tells me we need to take a break! And then yesterday she tells me she wants to move to Dublin, she was in Cork and I'm in Waterford so we were doing the long distance thing anyway. The week before she was talking about moving to Waterford.

Right, so can any of the ladies here shine some light on this? Does she want to dump me but doesn't want to just do it and get it over with?

I know my reaction to her getting her period was insensitive and I've admitted I was wrong and apologised, but she's been different since then.

Wibbs

Better suited to PI.

cheekyass

JangoFett wrote: »

So when she got her period I was very relieved and jokingly said "**** YEAH!". Now, I know, I KNOW that was a mistake and I've admitted it was an overreaction to say the least, but ever since then she's been off with me. I've apologized profusely but she's been off with me.

Ok it was a little insensitive yes. But TBH I don't think that this alone would be enough of a reason to start acting strangely.

I think that the whole experience has probably given her a bit of a fright and then your reaction on top of that etc has probably not helped but in fairness it probably gave you a fright too. So that should have been taken into consideration aswell.

It was a difficult situation for both of you, I'd leave it. Give her some space. Try and make sure she knows that you would have been there for her if she had needed u to be and that she wouldn't have been alone if things hadn't of turned out the way that they had.

I hope it works out ok....Good Luck

JangoFett

Which one is PI?

Sorry, I'm only usually on like 3 forums here

JangoFett

cheekyass wrote: »

Ok it was a little insensitive yes. But TBH I don't think that this alone would be enough of a reason to start acting strangely.

I think that the whole experience has probably given her a bit of a fright and then your reaction on top of that etc has probably not helped but in fairness it probably gave you a fright too. So that should have been taken into consideration aswell.

It was a difficult situation for both of you, I'd leave it. Give her some space. Try and make sure she knows that you would have been there for her if she had needed u to be and that she wouldn't have been alone if things hadn't of turned out the way that they had.

I hope it works out ok....Good Luck

I told her that I would have been there and stepped up to my responsibility and more importantly, supported her decision! She keeps saying that she knows this is the case but then 10 minutes later she'll say she thinks I'd literally disappear if she became pregnant. Like, leave the country!

minxie

JangoFett wrote: »

Which one is PI?

Sorry, I'm only usually on like 3 forums here

personal issues dude
hang in there looks like she just panicked....
a bit of space might just sort it

Nevyn

She was faced of the prospect of having a child with you and the critical thinking she did
during that time about how good of a long term partner you would be and a Dad seems
to lead her to the conclusion that you would not currently be good in those roles.

That you would not have to offer the support she would need.
So why should she resume a relationship with you and risk getting pregant with you
when you are not what she is looking for long term.

For a while her thinking wasn't just about her or you it was about the child she could be
having and wanting the best for that child and now any future possible children.

That makes a woman take stock, take responsiblity and be a woman rather then a girl
and a woman need a man in her life to have a child with.

Her critea for relationships has changed due to the possible consquences of being
pregnant and she is looking to her future and what is best ofr her and kids she may have.

JangoFett

Ok, that makes a lot of sense.

Why lie to me consistently for a week though when I ask if something is wrong, and I tell her I know something is up with her and she should just tell me? She spends the week essentially lying to me and then tells me she wants me to change but won't say what needs to change. I know she probably thinks I should know what needs to change and all that stuff but it just seems like she's expecting me to read her mind and that kind of crap wrecks my head. If I want something I say it straight out, no bullcrap.

She's talking about moving away from me and now we're on this "break" and let's face the reality, when people say they want a break, they want out, usually they want the other person to end it so they're guilt free.

G&T

I think your gf knows that settling down and kids
are in her future.
Sound's like she may have been dissappointed
not to be pregnant .
By you growing up I think she want's ye to discuss
the future......make plan's
If this girl is also 23 then she maybe already
looking for "the one",
women at various ages and stages of their lives
start to look at men as husband/father material.

I think you need to decide what's in your future and
when,talk to this girl and if the pictures don't add up
then maybe ye need to finish and move on.

Polleta

To me its a simple case or reevaluation.

A pregnancy scare really opens your eyes to a lot of things about your relationship, where your life is and what you want out of life. It might not be anything at all to do with your reaction to the news but simply her reevaluation of your relationship and what she wants for her life at the moment.

Maybe before you ever were in her life she wanted to move to Dublin for whatever reason and after this scare she realised that she had left behind some of her previous hopes for herself when she got with you thinking there was lots of time before settling down to do them in. It might all seem more real and claustrophic now that she thought it was going to happen and had started mentally preparing herself for it.

Maybe you need to sit down and tell her that you were scared and you didnt feel ready for children but you wouldn't have abandoned the situation. She was just as scared as you.

JangoFett

That kinda thing is bumming me out cuz I am not ready for kids, I'm 23 for god's sake, I still have a few more years of travel/messing around to be doing. I was happy in this relationship and thought she was too. She's only 21, in college and used always say that she didn't want kids, but, facing the situation can change your mind I guess.

It is looking more and more like she wants out. I got a text at 5am asking if I thought she was too much work? What the hell is that?!

cheekyass

JangoFett wrote: »

I told her that I would have been there and stepped up to my responsibility and more importantly, supported her decision! She keeps saying that she knows this is the case but then 10 minutes later she'll say she thinks I'd literally disappear if she became pregnant. Like, leave the country!

Yeah it really does sound like you've just thrown her off a bit and now shes worrying. Maybe send her flowers and an apology note saying reiterating that your sorry and that you'll be there for her if she needs you to be.

I know that this won't magically make it all better but if its written in a note it would might reassure her more??? Its just a thought of course

JangoFett

Polleta wrote: »

Maybe you need to sit down and tell her that you were scared and you didnt feel ready for children but you wouldn't have abandoned the situation. She was just as scared as you.

I did, I sat her down and tried to discuss it with her and told her I wouldn't abandon her. But then the next morning she decided she wanted a break. And when I asked why she said "until we like each other's company again" I never had a problem with her company, I quite liked it in fact!

stupidusername

ok, ok, ok.....

She thought she was pregnant, you weren't freaking out cos she wasn't, probably trying not to think about it much, whereas it was probably all she could think about. Did the two of you actually talk it out at this point? I'm guessing not, because I'm thinking that's part of the problem. The first of all you weren't even willing to consider it a reality never mind actually be ok with the idea of having a child with her. How long have you been together, because I know if i was with someone long term and got pregnant I would also be pissed off if he freaked out like that at the thought of having a commitment on his hands. I think this is a big part of it.

Thing is she probably doesn't want a child now either, but the fact that you freaked out so much at just the thought of it, and didn't consider it a situation you really wanted to be in (with her, which is the way she'll see it) probably made her think about your relationship and where it's going. So now she's looking for you to recognise what an arse you've been (because obviously you weren't being very supportive, never mind anything else) and think about what you really want from her, and your relationship. She's probably wondering if the two of you are going in the same direction at all.

She's testing you to see if you care enough about your relationship and future to maybe move with her to dublin, or you move to her instead of her moving to you. She wants you to follow her. to want to have a future with her.

It seems quite obvious to me. but then I could be wrong. The two of you need to sit down together and talk openly about what you want from each other. Because if you're going in different directions maybe she needs to know now.

JangoFett

stupidusername wrote: »

ok, ok, ok.....

She thought she was pregnant, you weren't freaking out cos she wasn't, probably trying not to think about it much, whereas it was probably all she could think about. Did the two of you actually talk it out at this point? I'm guessing not, because I'm thinking that's part of the problem. The first of all you weren't even willing to consider it a reality never mind actually be ok with the idea of having a child with her. How long have you been together, because I know if i was with someone long term and got pregnant I would also be pissed off if he freaked out like that at the thought of having a commitment on his hands. I think this is a big part of it.

Thing is she probably doesn't want a child now either, but the fact that you freaked out so much at just the thought of it, and didn't consider it a situation you really wanted to be in (with her, which is the way she'll see it) probably made her think about your relationship and where it's going. So now she's looking for you to recognise what an arse you've been (because obviously you weren't being very supportive, never mind anything else) and think about what you really want from her, and your relationship. She's probably wondering if the two of you are going in the same direction at all.

She's testing you to see if you care enough about your relationship and future to maybe move with her to dublin, or you move to her instead of her moving to you. She wants you to follow her. to want to have a future with her.

It seems quite obvious to me. but then I could be wrong. The two of you need to sit down together and talk openly about what you want from each other. Because if you're going in different directions maybe she needs to know now.

Me and her have discussed kids before and her genuine opinion up until this incident was that she's have an abortion. She had it all looked into and had numbers, boat trips sussed all just in case. She never told me that if she were to get pregnant she changed her mind and would want to keep it. That is something I think I should know, no?

As far as moving to Dublin with her goes, she should know that's a very selfish thing to ask. She'd be moving there to be close to HER friends, I have no friends there and she's in college and I'm out of college 3 years and FINALLY have a job in the field in which I have my degree. I only have the job 3 months and she'd expect me to leave it because she wants to be closer to her friends? And she did say she's thinking about it to be closer to her friends.

It's wrecking my head. When she came to my house on thursday it was out of the blue, she had told my friend, a mutual friend who hadn't told me she was coming down. And our friend thought she was coming down to dump me because she was saying weird things about our relationship...but our friend won't say what was being said, all in confidence so I didn't press her for details.

Salome

JangoFett wrote: »

I told her that I would have been there and stepped up to my responsibility and more importantly, supported her decision! She keeps saying that she knows this is the case but then 10 minutes later she'll say she thinks I'd literally disappear if she became pregnant. Like, leave the country!

The phrase "supported HER decision" sticks out like a sore thumb here - you're in a relationship with this woman, it takes two to tango. Shouldn't it be a joint decision? I don't think either of you see this relationship as having a future otherwise a possible pregnancy, whilst inconvenient, would not be the worst thing in the world. Break up now, neither of you are in it for the long haul.

puglover

JangoFett wrote: »

Me and her have discussed kids before and her genuine opinion up until this incident was that she's have an abortion. She had it all looked into and had numbers, boat trips sussed all just in case. She never told me that if she were to get pregnant she changed her mind and would want to keep it. That is something I think I should know, no?

You never know what your feelings are going to be until the situation arises. She had no idea of the maternal instincts that would come over her when faced with this. I'm sure the whole episode has also made her realise just how much she actually wants to be a mother. TBH your way of thinking in this does seem a little immature and you should really be putting yourself in her shoes.

JangoFett wrote: »

As far as moving to Dublin with her goes, she should know that's a very selfish thing to ask. She'd be moving there to be close to HER friends, I have no friends there and she's in college and I'm out of college 3 years and FINALLY have a job in the field in which I have my degree. I only have the job 3 months and she'd expect me to leave it because she wants to be closer to her friends? And she did say she's thinking about it to be closer to her friends.

Did she ask you to move to Dublin with her?

JangoFett wrote: »

It's wrecking my head. When she came to my house on thursday it was out of the blue, she had told my friend, a mutual friend who hadn't told me she was coming down. And our friend thought she was coming down to dump me because she was saying weird things about our relationship...but our friend won't say what was being said, all in confidence so I didn't press her for details.

Honestly IMO she has realised that you both have different priorities in life & maybe even see your lives going in different directions. It's very likely that this is a head v heart situation for her ie knowing that in the long run it's best for you to end this but finding it hard because she still cares for/loves you

*Dallas

im sure no girl at 21 actually wants to have a child but when these situations arise, you need some strenght to be able to go to the UK and go through with a termination.

OP, she needs to know if you have another 'scare' that you can be a rock for her to lean on not freakin' out in a corner!

Accidents happen to everyone, but i think you need to grow up a lil.

If your willing to do the deed, then you need to make sure she's on the pill so these 'accidents' are kept to an absolute minimum. Don't presume she knows what she's doing.. she's 21, she will still be relatively inexperienced with regard to the pill /morning afterpill etc.

If you both understand up to 72 hours after an accident, she can take a morning afterpill, then both of you go to the docter together.. don't leave her on her own.

JangoFett

We've had accidents before and she went for the morning after pill, I had assumed she did again and said it to her a few days later and she just said that she knows her body and monthly cycle and it was fine, but then she was over a month late.

I think it was pretty bad that she didn't tell me that she had made the decision that she wouldn't have an abortion, it's the kind of decision I think I have the right to know.

She knows all about the pill and morning after pill, she's a smart person! But just with this whole thing I'm wondering if she does have a new set of priorities. She called me last night looking for a fight, she even told me she wanted us to have a screaming match and because I wouldn't...she hung up on me. She thinks a screaming match will fix things