Nostalgia

Mario007

Where are you now, where am I?
Do you ever wonder what became
And what is to become?

Will I recognize the change?
And hope to remember your face
Even after billion of days?

Do you look back at those times?
Do you proclaim our petty crimes
and read back these lines:

"Something wicked this way comes",
It’s called a memory.
But as time passes the pain numbs,
"The rest is History."

Insect Overlord

Simple, almost brilliantly so.
Still not perfect, but a very good start.
Well done Mario.

Mario007

An File wrote: »

Simple, almost brilliantly so.
Still not perfect, but a very good start.
Well done Mario.

thanks, i wanted to keep it simple rather than writing a big ass memoir of some sorts.
although i'm not too sure about the last two line...i had:

'And so I want all the sums,
to end with you and me.'

there before but i think that would move it too much into the love poem category...any suggestion

Insect Overlord

Mario007 wrote: »

thanks, i wanted to keep it simple rather than writing a big ass memoir of some sorts.
although i'm not too sure about the last two line...i had:

'And so I want all the sums,
to end with you and me.'

there before but i think that would move it too much into the love poem category...any suggestion

I think the alternative endings contrast hugely, with
But as time passes the pain numbs,
"The rest is History."
being my favourite of the two.
Maybe that's because I can relate to it better, (I've written a poem called Nostalgia too ) but I think it's far more powerful than the "sums" ending.

I have written a few love poems, and I find them the hardest ones to get just right. There's been so many things said, done and written over the centuries that most typical love imagery is clichéed beyond worth. I'm not suggesting that your ending is like that, I just mean it in a general sense.

Specifically here though, I do prefer the tone of the lover who has lost. By using the word "history" you've given the material of the memories a definite setting in the past, I think that makes the sensation of nostalgia even stronger.

Shiner88

Mario007 wrote: »

Where are you now, where am I?
Do you ever wonder what became
And what is to become?

Will I recognize the change?
And hope to remember your face
Even after billion of days?

Do you look back at those times?
Do you proclaim our petty crimes
and read back these lines:

"Something wicked this way comes",
It’s called a memory.
But as time passes the pain numbs,
"The rest is History."

Nice poetry..
That's all!

Mario007

An File wrote: »

I think the alternative endings contrast hugely, with
But as time passes the pain numbs,
"The rest is History."
being my favourite of the two.
Maybe that's because I can relate to it better, (I've written a poem called Nostalgia too ) but I think it's far more powerful than the "sums" ending.

I have written a few love poems, and I find them the hardest ones to get just right. There's been so many things said, done and written over the centuries that most typical love imagery is clichéed beyond worth. I'm not suggesting that your ending is like that, I just mean it in a general sense.

Specifically here though, I do prefer the tone of the lover who has lost. By using the word "history" you've given the material of the memories a definite setting in the past, I think that makes the sensation of nostalgia even stronger.

haha go nostalgia poems!!!:D
yeah i see what you mean by the contrast of the endings, the current one is a bit more regretful and looking back, i intend to put this into our sixth year year book so i guess its much better than the love ending with the sums.
thanks:D

Mario007

Shiner88 wrote: »

Nice poetry..
That's all!

thanks, glad you liked it:D

Mario007

oh one more thing, the flow of the poem, do you think its good, cos i think its the weakest point of the poem, but i dunno how to improve it or what exactly dont i like about it,so if anyone has any suggestions i would gladly appreciate any feedback on it

busted flush

:eek:I usually hate you stuff to the point of projectile vomiting , this one though only made me throw up a little in my mouth. So i suppose , well done , progress is progress!

Mario007

busted flush wrote: »

:eek:I usually hate you stuff to the point of projectile vomiting , this one though only made me throw up a little in my mouth. So i suppose , well done , progress is progress!

haha thanks, maybe cos this is actually the only serious thing i posted here:D glad i didnt make you vomit all over the place

Homicidal_jesus

its good!!.........wow serious comments on your thread..impressive!!!to bad you cant use your own poetry for your english paper 2 tomorrow!!!

Mario007

Homicidal_jesus wrote: »

its good!!.........wow serious comments on your thread..impressive!!!to bad you cant use your own poetry for your english paper 2 tomorrow!!!

i know it looks like i overdid myself:p
that would be awesome btw...in the poem i have written, i clearly stated that elizabeth bishop is gay and awful while john keats maintains his greatness forever:D