Am I fooling myself?

LegacyUser

My husband had an (apparently) short lived affair, lasting about a month. It's been over for about a month and he says he wants to stay with me, loves me and is sorry for having caused so much hurt. But he still seems to have feelings for the other woman, and when we were talking very openly said that it was very passionate and that they became close very quickly. He has never said anything to me along the lines of "I can't believe I was such a fool and I'm incredibly sorry, I love you so much and can't believe I risked losing you". He hasn't made any grand gestures of reconciliation.

I have found myself completely unable to trust him and prone to feeling incredibly sad and unloved. He doesn't seem capable of (or perhaps not even interested in) truly convincing me that he really wants to be with me. I am veering between being ok, almost happy, and complete despondency and he hasn't done anything serious to console me. Reading through other posts here about affairs and infidelity the banality of the whole thing sickens me.

SarahSassy

How did you find out and why did it start??? Did you know there were problems in the marriage.. Did he move out for a while?

Sorry for all the questions but its just to get a grasp on the situation...

SS

Personally I would not take him back unless he begged..

LegacyUser

He ended up in bed with someone after marathon drinking session. He had never previously even half-heartedly flirted with someone during ten years of marriage. Didn't move out, and yes, there were/are problems. I don't have high sex drive and he does. THis was the main reason I didn't ask him to leave, I accepted a certain amount of responsibility for the whole thing and realised that he felt something lacking, which was perhaps not so much the absence of a high-octane sex life but the absence of being wholeheartedly desired. I'm sorry, I think I'm just too depressed by the whole thing to keep posting here. But thanks for your reply.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I'm so sorry to hear about this, particularly after ten years. I know the feelings of sad and unloved. I know how bad it feels too when you feel they just aren't making any big apology or trying to make you feel they're genuinely sorry. I had a similar experience and it broke me in two in many ways. But you get up and on with it again, I promise. The feelings of complete and utter despair do come and go. Somedays will be good, some bad. I battled with "should I stay or go" for months - and it made it worse that he never made an effort to really make me feel like he was sorry. I think because he wasn't making an effort and just continued acting like a spoilt brat that had been caught and was pissed off with that rather than having done. That lack of effort made me feel so useless and unwanted. Your man sounds like he wants to make a go of it. But I'm not sure if its best for you. While she's still in the background you're just going to worry and fret. The trust - I don't think it ever really comes back. This has done enough to your self-esteem already as it is. Would it be possible for you to gather yourself together and walk out? Its going to be very hard, but at the end of the day what matters is your sanity and happiness. I know because while I tried to make it work everytime he went out I sat up wondering if he'd do it again. Believe me when I say it's no way to live.
So what you don't have as high a sex drive as him. I hate that as an excuse that men use when they cheat. If there was a problem HE should have communicated it to you, not gone and childishly sought it elsewhere. Relationships hit bad times, drink is no excuse (my similar experience was "rotten" when he did it too). I've been drunk and nearly ended up with someone but was able still make the decision not to out of respect for that particular other half. He's shown nothing but lack of respect for what you two had by being with someone else.
I really don't think they change. Ever. Don't become a shell of what you were. Go on and make better things of yourself and you'll attract the right man.
I know its easier said than done though. IF you stay, you may well just end up resenting him in a few months and finding all sorts of things that make you mad about him and leave anyhow. But the sooner the break the better. He got so passionately so quickly? He was easily led. It may well happen again.
PLease don't hang around as long as I did. Think seriously bout leaving.
You're better than this. For sure.

AARRRGH

Relationships are complicated. Anyone who thinks you get married and live happily ever after are deluding themselves.

Many couples go through what you're going through, so please don't feel like you or your relationship is a failure. It's not. We are human and human's make mistakes. We're also very emotional beings, and that leads to these sorts of situations.

I am also of the belief that monogomy is not too natural, so it is no surprise that a large percentage of married men and women have affairs.

But I know this won't take away the pain, or make things any easier, but maybe it will help you put a bit of perspective on things.

It's very possible he still wants to be with the other woman - that's ok. What's important is he doesn't act on those feelings. So you need to accept that his mind is probably a little bit fried at the moment, and he's feeling a bit confused. But he has told you he is sorry, and that he doesn't want to lose you. That means he wants to continue his relationship with you, because he loves you and because he wants to share his life with you.

I think you should forgive him, and have a good long talk about what you both need to do to make your marriage as good as possible. That may mean you need to make some compromises, like have sex more often, but I am sure you can think of some ways which will make it more interesting for you. For example, you could buy some sexy outfits and turn it into a bit of a game, or if you have any fantasies, act them out with him.

The trust will come back with time, so don't be too worried about that. What's important is to decide if you want to save your marriage, and if so, to set about making that happen.

Nitxteha

Even if you decide to take him back, he should move out of the house for a while. That's a very hard situation for a couple. He may have taken for granted what he had at home, make him miss it. And on the other hand that gives you time and space to recalculate the situation.

He may be genuinely sorry or the other person may have dumped him (just a possibility, I don't want to be harsh on you). Make sure what his intentions are and find out as much as possible about that story and that other woman.

I really hope this situation gets fixed soon and whatever you do, DON'T feel guilty or ask yourself not for one second if you had made anything wrong. He had a commitment with you and he broke it, totally his fault.

MagicMarker

You take him back.

He'll get frustrated with the lack of sex.

He'll start another affair.

You'll take him back.

Repeat.

Is that how you want to live the rest of your life?

You have a few options.

1. Take him back, go to counseling to sort out your problems.
2. Take him back, don't do anything and wait for it to happen again.
3. Throw him out and take steps towards leading a happier life in general.

glezo

Unregistered wrote: »

He ended up in bed with someone after marathon drinking session. He had never previously even half-heartedly flirted with someone during ten years of marriage. Didn't move out, and yes, there were/are problems. I don't have high sex drive and he does. THis was the main reason I didn't ask him to leave, I accepted a certain amount of responsibility for the whole thing and realised that he felt something lacking, which was perhaps not so much the absence of a high-octane sex life but the absence of being wholeheartedly desired. I'm sorry, I think I'm just too depressed by the whole thing to keep posting here. But thanks for your reply.

DONT BLAME YOURSELF...

please dont take him back you find better than him someone who will treat you like the way you should be treated..

i was with my husband for a total of 11 years with 2 kids spilt up found out after he had several wemon
i went on a dateing site called smooch(recommened)
and found the love of my life on it

GO WITH YOUR HEART NOT YOUR HEAD