OH wont find a job

LegacyUser

My OH got a redundancy last year and even though all the money has run out he is not actively looking for a job.

Some days are good, he will cook a dinner or put on a wash but Im finding it really hard coming home to a messy house, no washing done most nights.

I feel under pressure, held back by him. He doesnt seem to want to go back to work in a hurry even though we have very little money.

Even though I bought the shopping at the weekend for him being home there during the week, he went and bought more ridiculous items, handed me a receipt for X euro because I cover the food and asked for remuneration of uneccessary items.

I have a great job and Im afraid this is putting a strain on us. Ive been nice about it, Ive been hard about it and Ive been pushy about it.

Now, I dont mention it because I dont know how to approach the problem, whats the best way to tell him to get off his arse and get a job? I told him we would move anywhere, Canda, Iceland, the middle of nowhere... Im finding this really hard.

MagicMarker

Leave the waster, he's taking you for a ride.

username123

UnsureX wrote: »

Mwhats the best way to tell him to get off his arse and get a job?

Say - get off your arse and get a job, it makes me feel under pressure to be the only earner and it frustrates me that you are not contributing to the relationship the way you should be. Its not like I come home to a clean house, cooked meal and all chores done.

Just tell him what you told us - its not unreasonable.

SarahSassy

Its not acceptable and he is taking huge advantage of you. The problem here is that you are letting him.

Its your choice if you wish to continue to be a doormat but I guess you are posting because you dont...

First stop would be to get a rota for household jobs etc and he has to make a full contribution to the household. If he doesnt buck up, I would be gone...

Kenno90

UnsureX wrote: »

My OH got a redundancy last year and even though all the money has run out he is not actively looking for a job.

Some days are good, he will cook a dinner or put on a wash but Im finding it really hard coming home to a messy house, no washing done most nights.

I feel under pressure, held back by him. He doesnt seem to want to go back to work in a hurry even though we have very little money.

Even though I bought the shopping at the weekend for him being home there during the week, he went and bought more ridiculous items, handed me a receipt for X euro because I cover the food and asked for remuneration of uneccessary items.

I have a great job and Im afraid this is putting a strain on us. Ive been nice about it, Ive been hard about it and Ive been pushy about it.

Now, I dont mention it because I dont know how to approach the problem, whats the best way to tell him to get off his arse and get a job? I told him we would move anywhere, Canda, Iceland, the middle of nowhere... Im finding this really hard.

he's never going to get off his ass if you keep giving him money ,food etc it was fine for a while , i'd even understand if he was trying ,
Make a CV template for him ,

sardineta

A pound to a pinch of snuff he's depressed and there's no pressing imperative to change that. May be worth looking into CBT.

Lollipops23

he needs to contribute to the household in some way if he's not going to work. Cleaning up(especially after himself!) and doing the basic chores would mean several less things for you to worry about. Tell him that you won't put up with his lazy wasterish ways.

LegacyUser

Had that with my OH last year. I had great job, great income, he was out of work for various reasons. Had to keep biting my tongue. Now thanks to the recessions he's in work and I'm out of it. t can change. I suppose let him know its not good for him to do nothing.

Salome

It's only fair that he contributes to the household somehow - if he can't do it financially, he should be more forthcoming with doing the chores. It's not fair that all the responsibility is on you.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about sharing the burden - he probably wouldn't tolerate it if the shoe was on the other foot so why should you?

towel401

username123 wrote: »

Say - get off your arse and get a job

this would be alright but we're stuck right in the middle of a recession here. even people who really want a job can't find em.

misterm

tell him to get off his ass and do something, even if a job isn't available, he can help out around the house

if you're working, he should be doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning, and the household shopping.
don't give him any money unless he gets his act together, he's not at his mothers now

Xiney

I agree with a PP that he is probably depressed, and another saying that even those who are busting their asses out there can't find jobs.

You should insist he goes to his GP to be assessed for depression. You should also insist that he stops spending money on frivolous items. Hopefully if he starts getting treatment for depression he will improve. I wouldn't push the job search or helping out too much until his mental state is stable - it's demoralizing enough out there as it is, I've developed depression from my fruitless job search. Can't imagine how much worse it'd be if I was already depressed before.

Mmmm_Lemony

I was made redundant a good few years back (IT slump) and after all the money was gone I was depressed and found it hard to get motivated to find a job... But I was lucky that I did have a gf at the time who supported me. All said I was causing alot of problems in the relationship, she was stressed to bits, and I evolved into a night owl. It came to a head and a big argument and it was either shape up or ship out...I eventually got a lucky break and got my self sorted, but I couldn't have done it without her.

One thing that did help in the end was I started to play a bit of tennis and did a bit of cycling, not alot mind, but enough that when I started to feel good about myself my mind got right too... So my advice is talk to him, maybe pick up a cheap pair of trainers or something to help him on the way, ban the xbox and the playstation, maybe make a training/jobseeking schedule out for him...

Kooli

Why is everyone talking about him 'contributing' to the housework, or cleaning up after himself or drawing up a rota - I don't know if it's just because he's a man, so the assumption is that you should still be doing SOME of the chores, but I think the way it works is that if you are out working, earning the money, he does close to ALL the housework. If he is not looking for work, then he is essentially a homemaker until he finds a job.

you need to talk to him because it's hard to even see what his point of view in this is.
He could very well be depressed, so keep an eye out for that.

Walls

UnsureX wrote: »

Even though I bought the shopping at the weekend for him being home there during the week, he went and bought more ridiculous items, handed me a receipt for X euro because I cover the food and asked for remuneration of uneccessary items.

If he views you as a bank then you start acting like one. He doesn't get to spend money without your say so and any unauthorised spending doesn't get funded.
Also, TELL HIM THIS IS NOT ON. If things don't improve over the course of a month then he needs to leave and live somewhere else.

yawnstretch

I know no one will agree, but I reckon there wouldn't be as much hostility (or perhaps even a thread anyone would be bothered with if this was a woman at home).

MagicMarker

yawnstretch wrote: »

I know no one will agree, but I reckon there wouldn't be as much hostility (or perhaps even a thread anyone would be bothered with if this was a woman at home).

There have already been one or two threads of that nature, the responses were pretty much the same as this tread.

dixiefly

Mmmm_Lemony wrote: »

I was made redundant a good few years back (IT slump) and after all the money was gone I was depressed and found it hard to get motivated to find a job... But I was lucky that I did have a gf at the time who supported me. All said I was causing alot of problems in the relationship, she was stressed to bits, and I evolved into a night owl. It came to a head and a big argument and it was either shape up or ship out...I eventually got a lucky break and got my self sorted, but I couldn't have done it without her.

One thing that did help in the end was I started to play a bit of tennis and did a bit of cycling, not alot mind, but enough that when I started to feel good about myself my mind got right too... So my advice is talk to him, maybe pick up a cheap pair of trainers or something to help him on the way, ban the xbox and the playstation, maybe make a training/jobseeking schedule out for him...

Excellent contribution here - well said. The OP should take heed of this post.

Might I ask, are you still with the GF that helped you at that time?

b3t4

Here's my thoughts:

You need to get serious about this.

It's pissing you right off isn't it? You're completely fed up with the situation.

Stop pussy footing around your partner. What's it achieving? Nothing, that's what.

Sit down and lay the cards on the table and tell him how angry you are about all of this. Tell him you will do whatever you can to help but his attitude at the moment stinks and you're completely fed up with it. It's negatively impacting your relationship and he needs to be made very clear about that.

There will come a day when you will loose it with him over this, so rather than let that happen, bite the bullet and make it clear to him that you are serious about what you are saying.

A.

another world

Like most things in life that bother you, it´s best to confront them. You´re being too passive on this matter and that isn´t helping. You need to talk to him.

Your husband will also appreciate you talking to him, honestly and frankly, and perhaps putting the pressure on him to get going with the job hunting. Some people need this push.

Mmmm_Lemony

dixiefly wrote: »

Excellent contribution here - well said. The OP should take heed of this post.

Might I ask, are you still with the GF that helped you at that time?

Actually no, but we are still good friends, and when we split it wasn't with any hatrid etc... As we had been through so much together...

cantdecide

I haven't read the thread but I must say that as someone who just left the workforce for almost a year a while back- the rat race can get you big time. I wasn't depressed or anything like that. I was on my own with enough cash in the bank to not have to worry about things.

It actually did me th world of good. It isn't great that everytthing is falling to you but you have to ask yourself- why isn't it in him to get motivated and get a job...