Being honest

LegacyUser

there was a tread here in the past few days about numbers of partners etc which interested and confused me. i am 38 and in the past 5 years i have never gone on a date without some sexual ending as such. in other words it is either full sex, handjob or bj. this would inclue over 100 women. i have just been asked by a new partner for the honest figure . i have slept with 200 approx in total but if i was to add up all the women who have helped me ejaculate it is close to 400. should i be honest. in fairness i think the figures look bad but that it is experience

abi2007

personally I'd lie about it cause I know if a guy told me that he'd been with 400 girls i'd run a mile because i'd be thinking I'm just one of many, and nothing special but then thats not being very honest and if you want an honest relationship you wouldn't be starting off on a good foot. Could you maybe say something like you haven't a clue or it's not something you want to dicuss till you know her better.

puglover

golden circle wrote: »

there was a tread here in the past few days about numbers of partners etc which interested and confused me. i am 38 and in the past 5 years i have never gone on a date without some sexual ending as such. in other words it is either full sex, handjob or bj. this would inclue over 100 women. i have just been asked by a new partner for the honest figure . i have slept with 200 approx in total but if i was to add up all the women who have helped me ejaculate it is close to 400. should i be honest. in fairness i think the figures look bad but that it is experience

:eek: Have to say I'm shocked and I would consider myself quite liberal. I'm thinking one of two things.

a) you are an Adonis and no woman can resist you
or
b) you only go for a "certain" type of girl

Either way I would maybe cook the books a little if you feel you have to tell her. Personally I wouldn't even grace those types of questions with an answer, past is in the past for a reason.

LegacyUser

I'd be more worried about getting screened for STD's and having a good hard look at why you feel the need to have 'a sexual ending' to every encounter you have with a female, before even thinking about getting into a relationship, tbh.

Lying is not a good idea, too easy for it to come back to bite you. How would you feel if a woman lied to you about something like that?

smares

IMO your probably better off trying to stay away from the subject. If i was told that number I would be gone.
TBH there is no right answer you can give to this, but if its brought up again why not ask her how many and then say well yours is a few more

kmick

Tell her less than 10. Thats what she will tell you as well. Try not to snigger.
Then stay faithful and keep your mouth shut.

missbaker

I wouldnt tell her the real number. If I hearsd htat id be running for the hills! And maybe get checked for STIs as another poster said. Thats alot of women to be with and if u weren't careful u never know.
Good luck with new relationship though

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

:eek: Have to say I'm shocked and I would consider myself quite liberal. I'm thinking one of two things.

a) you are an Adonis and no woman can resist you
or
b) you only go for a "certain" type of girl

Either way I would maybe cook the books a little if you feel you have to tell her. Personally I wouldn't even grace those types of questions with an answer, past is in the past for a reason.

some people might find your certain type of girl comment offensive. most women in my age bracket have had a number of partners. so they are used to things like hjs and bjs etc. how many people in late twenties or thirties just snog and go home??? not a lot i would say

Terodil

Truth > *

Yes, your partner might run, but wouldn't it be supremely unfair to lie to her so that she wouldn't?

If you are feeling more for her than for your previous sex partners (as she most likely does, since she asked you), then you need to build a proper relationship based on trust, and such things don't start with lies.

Explain to her exactly what the nature of your previous relationships was like and why and how you want to change. That's much more credible than any made up number. If you love her, and tell her honestly (!!) why she's different than everybody else and why your relationship is totally different she may love you for your honesty. If she can't live with your past then that's her right too and you had better not betray her with lies to achieve your ends.

sardineta

Terodil wrote: »

Truth > *

Yes, your partner might run, but wouldn't it be supremely unfair to lie to her so that she wouldn't?

If you are feeling more for her than for your previous sex partners (as she most likely does, since she asked you), then you need to build a proper relationship based on trust, and such things don't start with lies.

Explain to her exactly what the nature of your previous relationships was like and why and how you want to change. That's much more credible than any made up number. If you love her, and tell her honestly (!!) why she's different than everybody else and why your relationship is totally different she may love you for your honesty. If she can't live with your past then that's her right too and you had better not betray her with lies to achieve your ends.

IMO that's the worst possible advice. OP, ask your partner to go first, and if she says anything like the number you claim, imagine how you'd feel. Imagine how any of her offspring would feel.

The past is the past and is an irrelevance provided you have a clean bill of health, no spouses or children.

shellyboo

I'd tell her the truth, but only tell her your *acutal* figure, the number of women you've slept with.

Be prepared for her to run, be prepared for her to ask you to get an STI test... but if you've had that many partners, you've had that many partners. You shouldn't be ashamed of it, and if you are - then you need to examine your behaviour.

LegacyUser

I wouldnt lie . my story is similar yet different to yours. my ex told me he was with 15 women - i thought this was alot and someone it annoyed me and it affected our relationship. anyways we broke up and when we did he told me he lied about how many people he was with - it was alot less than 15 and he told me 15 to impress me!! ha! it did the opposite. if he was honost with me in the first place i might not have being annoyed and "disgusted" by how many he was with. MY POINT - BE HONOST WITH HER - ITS WHO YOU ARE - WHY LIE???

sardineta

Alternatively, remind her of the maxim about not asking a question you don't want to know the answer to.

puglover

golden circle wrote: »

some people might find your certain type of girl comment offensive. most women in my age bracket have had a number of partners. so they are used to things like hjs and bjs etc. how many people in late twenties or thirties just snog and go home??? not a lot i would say

I am in my mid-twenties, I have a large circle of single friends ranging from 25 - early 40's and we would have very active social & dating lives. I can tell you if we were dropping our knickers for every guy that came along we wouldn't be long getting a name for ourselves.

Terodil

sardineta wrote: »

IMO that's the worst possible advice. OP, ask your partner to go first, and if she says anything like the number you claim, imagine how you'd feel. Imagine how any of her offspring would feel.

The past is the past and is an irrelevance provided you have a clean bill of health, no spouses or children.

It may be the worst possible advice if the only thing he wants to achieve is a score, yes. There's a distinct possibility she will run.

You, however, are advising him to LIE at the start of a relationship that's supposed to be based on truth and trust? Your argument of 'put yourself in her shoes' is actually a very twisted one. You want the OP to manipulate her into a relationship ('imagine how she would feel') and think that she'll be happier in her forced ignorant bliss?

It's lying and manipulation and nothing else but poison for an earnest relationship.

sardineta

Terodil wrote: »

It may be the worst possible advice if the only thing he wants to achieve is a score, yes. There's a distinct possibility she will run.

You, however, are advising him to LIE at the start of a relationship that's supposed to be based on truth and trust? Your argument of 'put yourself in her shoes' is actually a very twisted one. You want the OP to manipulate her into a relationship ('imagine how she would feel') and think that she'll be happier in her forced ignorant bliss?

It's lying and manipulation and nothing else but poison for an earnest relationship.

With age will come wisdom, you'll see.

NewFrockTuesday

I'd tell her the truth, but only tell her your *acutal* figure, the number of women you've slept with.

.

Surely that lying a bit too?

Moving on...

What is this huge obsession with everyone thinking they have to bare every last bone of their souls in order to have a relationship? This need for everyone to cleanse themselve of past transgressions which is in fact, just burdening the other with their doings. When did people stop being able to keep their mouth shut and treat every/ any relationship for what it is - a new beginning with a new person. This constant advice on here to off load is a shed ful of nonsense. Have you all gone soft in the head?

If he likes her, what good reason other then the confessional that you all seem to advocate constantly - is there for him to tell her this? None. Absolutley none other than for his own consience.

Its easy for the do gooders in here to be shocked and dismayed at the consealment of your personal life, but if the shoe were on the other foot, I bet they would be the first to zip it up and throw it away down the memory river and keep stumm about whatever it was.



OP, dont tell her - if she has any sense shed run a mile.

I can tell you if we were dropping our knickers for every guy that came along we wouldn't be long getting a name for ourselves.

So what? Nothing to do with the OP as hes already done it and gotten away with it. Thats you on your moral high horse.

puglover

Deepsense wrote: »

.
So what? Nothing to do with the OP as hes already done it and gotten away with it. Thats you on your moral high horse.

That was in response to the OP's question "how many people in their late 20's 30's just snog and go home?" just because he is doing it doesn't mean everyone else is.

And Deepsense, there is no moral high horse, I would love to be getting a bit of sexual gratification on all my dates but fact is if I was then I would be considered the "certain" type of girl I refered to in my previous post.

LegacyUser

DO NOT BE HONEST WITH HER!

I was on the other thread (100 blokes, mid 30's)

For some reason a lot of people can not take the truth, they get it into their head its some sort of sex olympics or something and they are 'competing' with a cast of thousands. As long as its safe sex theres no harm done in my book!

No amount of explaining will get them to understand so dont bother. My boyfriend has had only 6 partners, when he told me I nearly died of shock! THANKFULLY I had the good sense to keep my mouth shut on my number. One day he was looking in the problem page and saw something about it and said 'yeh I'd think differently of a woman that had been with that many men' ....so I was well glad I'd kept my trap shut.

As I said before I liken the casual sex to fast food, (lower quality but fills a gap) and the relationship sex to a home cooked meal (tastier and more satisfying) so the idea of a partner being threatened by all the past encounters is of course rubbish, seeing as I cant remember half of them.

Anyway, you are my generation so you know how it is. You cant explain it to this generation, you'll only frighten the bejaysus out of them if you are truthful.

NewFrockTuesday

That was in response to the OP's question "how many people in their late 20's 30's just snog and go home?" just because he is doing it doesn't mean everyone else is.

Just say I dont then. It was letting the world know youre not one of those types of girl. Not relevant.

And Deepsense, there is no moral high horse, I would love to be getting a bit of sexual gratification on all my dates but fact is if I was then I would be considered the "certain" type of girl I refered to in my previous post.

I take it youre from the country? If so yes - I agree, its not hard to land yourself with a name. People in Dublin and other cities get away with far more. Im not slagging your virtue here at all - please do not for a second think that. But the fact the OP is being egged on to tell the potential gf something that is an immediate cancer to the relationship is killing it before it even starts.

If any lady here denies that their eyes wouldnt pop out of their head @ the mention of 400 odd other lovers, Ill step down. But unless youre a porn star, then I think the vast majority of us are not going to come across these numbers in our loving lifetime and to advise some one who has had a huge ammount of encounters to disclose this to a potential partner when there is no need is just coming from what the advisor thinks they should do - not what they would do themselves. Therefore, its not honest advice and Ill bet anything there are things that they have not disclosed to their lovers. Be it ever so small I dont care, everyone is in a glass house in some way.

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

I am in my mid-twenties, I have a large circle of single friends ranging from 25 - early 40's and we would have very active social & dating lives. I can tell you if we were dropping our knickers for every guy that came along we wouldn't be long getting a name for ourselves.

you dont have to drop your knickers to give a handjob. most of the women would not have full sex but did not mind a bit of fun. even if you waited til a 3rd date it could still be a very high number if you did not get involved in anything longterm. anyway all these women liked me

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

DO NOT BE HONEST WITH HER!

I was on the other thread (100 blokes, mid 30's)

For some reason a lot of people can not take the truth, they get it into their head its some sort of sex olympics or something and they are 'competing' with a cast of thousands. As long as its safe sex theres no harm done in my book!

No amount of explaining will get them to understand so dont bother. My boyfriend has had only 6 partners, when he told me I nearly died of shock! THANKFULLY I had the good sense to keep my mouth shut on my number. One day he was looking in the problem page and saw something about it and said 'yeh I'd think differently of a woman that had been with that many men' ....so I was well glad I'd kept my trap shut.

As I said before I liken the casual sex to fast food, (lower quality but fills a gap) and the relationship sex to a home cooked meal (tastier and more satisfying) so the idea of a partner being threatened by all the past encounters is of course rubbish, seeing as I cant remember half of them.

Anyway, you are my generation so you know how it is. You cant explain it to this generation, you'll only frighten the bejaysus out of them if you are truthful.

could not agree more, fair plat to you

shellyboo

Deepsense wrote: »

.

Surely that lying a bit too?

Meh, I don't think so. I don't really count that 'stuff' as sex. Like, how far back do you go and where do you draw the line? The guy who stuck his hand down your pants after the school disco? Boob gropage when you barely had any? Do you have to have an orgasm in order for it to be sex? If you haven't had one, does it still count? Cos I'd have one or two less in my magic number in that case! I think it's better to have a clear-cut distinction.

NewFrockTuesday

Meh, I don't think so. I don't really count that 'stuff' as sex. Like, how far back do you go and where do you draw the line? The guy who stuck his hand down your pants after the school disco? Boob gropage when you barely had any? Do you have to have an orgasm in order for it to be sex? If you haven't had one, does it still count? Cos I'd have one or two less in my magic number in that case! I think it's better to have a clear-cut distinction.

Fair enough. 200 on the list is quite ample I would assume anyway.:) I thought it a nice blend of truth and stumm.

puglover

Deepsense wrote: »

Just say I dont then. It was letting the world know youre not one of those types of girl. Not relevant.

I'm giving an example to back up my point very relevant.

Deepsense wrote: »

I take it youre from the country? If so yes - I agree, its not hard to land yourself with a name. People in Dublin and other cities get away with far more. Im not slagging your virtue here at all - please do not for a second think that. But the fact the OP is being egged on to tell the potential gf something that is an immediate cancer to the relationship is killing it before it even starts.

Firstly I am from a City. Secondly I didn't recommend that the OP tell this girl anything, far as I'm concerned it has nothing to do with them and I would think it rude if any potential BF even asked me.

Otis Driftwood

Dont ask,dont tell.If she told you she had sex with 200 men and had encounters with 200 more would you look at her differently?
Past is past.

NewFrockTuesday

I'm giving an example to back up my point very relevant.

potato, potAto....fair enough if you say so. Im not on to bikker.

Firstly I am from a City. Secondly I didn't recommend that the OP tell this girl anything, far as I'm concerned it has nothing to do with them and I would think it rude if any potential BF even asked me.

Then you know you could get away with alot more....if you were so inclined.

I wasnt target you directly...more a general sway.

I'm concerned it has nothing to do with them and I would think it rude if any potential BF even asked me

Agreed. Im not posting to be unreasonable or slag you at all. Im responding to the tone I read in your post and Im saying that alot of the idiotic advice on here would not be followed through by the advisors.

Either way I would maybe cook the books a little if you feel you have to tell her. Personally I wouldn't even grace those types of questions with an answer, past is in the past for a reason.

Apols - I was skimming when I saw this - I had missed it. I only saw your name by theh 2nd post. If you go back and read one with out he other, you might see the source of my ire. Peace.

puglover

Deepsense wrote: »

Then you know you could get away with alot more....if you were so inclined.

Not in Limerick

Deepsense wrote: »

Agreed. Im not posting to be unreasonable or slag you at all. Im responding to the tone I read in your post and Im saying that alot of the idiotic advice on here would not be followed through by the advisors.

Looks like we're in agreement then, I too think it's idiotic.

Something to think about...You can't read tone, it's all about perception!

The Corinthian

Sure, tell her the truth. While you're at it, if she asks, tell her how her ass is big enough to have satellites.

There's the Truth, and there's the truth...

LegacyUser

Dont believe a word of it.400? So what one a month since the time the OP was born? How does that go on a first date anyway......."thanks for dinner, would you like to come in for coffee?"....."no but i think a handjob is in order!"..."ok"? Im mid twenties from the city, yes ive had one night stands etc, but come on, what a load of cobblers.sorry but ive gone on plenty of first dates, where there wasnt even a snog. Then only ways this post has any truth in it is if he goes home after each date and he's indulging in a bit of self-love.That or he's paying for it. Didnt realise there were that many wh*res in Dublin. The odd one nighter yes, but every date for 5 years? reject. he wishes.

Nevyn

There are plenty of adult dating websites out there for people who want to hook up and
have no strings attached sex. IF a person really wanted to and they are reasonably good looking enough and have a reasonable personality and they can have who ever they want
stay over in thier home then yes you can easily have 3 hooks ups a week.

Jesus Wept

Thaedydal wrote: »

There are plenty of adult dating websites out there for people who want to hook up and
have no strings attached sex. IF a person really wanted to and they are reasonably good looking enough and have a reasonable personality and they can have who ever they want
stay over in thier home then yes you can easily have 3 hooks ups a week.

Yes, if that person was female.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

There are plenty of adult dating websites out there for people who want to hook up and
have no strings attached sex. IF a person really wanted to and they are reasonably good looking enough and have a reasonable personality and they can have who ever they want
stay over in thier home then yes you can easily have 3 hooks ups a week.

Thanks Thaedydal.

Anyway, OP mentioned he in the late 30's. So like me he lived through three decades of being sexually active, not so hard to believe....as for this idea of 'dinner dates' ...didn't happen, not in my day anyway.
Festivals, parties, holidays, friends, friends of friends, going out....etc etc blah blah
I partied solid for years and most people I know did too, most retired now but not all.

Sure you could hook up all day and night if you felt like it, you just go to a bar with a friend and there ye go....if that makes me a slut, so be it, do I care?

Ha, like fcuk I do...all this talk of virtue and reputation, as long as you dont dirty your own doorstep who cares, take it on tour if you like.

As I say casual sex is like a tap you turn on and off, finding casual sex is the easy part its finding a relationship thats hard.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Dont believe a word of it.400? So what one a month since the time the OP was born? How does that go on a first date anyway......."thanks for dinner, would you like to come in for coffee?"....."no but i think a handjob is in order!"..."ok"? Im mid twenties from the city, yes ive had one night stands etc, but come on, what a load of cobblers.sorry but ive gone on plenty of first dates, where there wasnt even a snog. Then only ways this post has any truth in it is if he goes home after each date and he's indulging in a bit of self-love.That or he's paying for it. Didnt realise there were that many wh*res in Dublin. The odd one nighter yes, but every date for 5 years? reject. he wishes.

Bitter much?

Someone with an active social life (pubbing/clubbing/partying) 3 or 4 nights a week at his age could easily have fit that amount in.....

Whats all this wh0res business btw?

Have you got some sort of hang up with people who have plenty of sex, so much so that you have to resort to name calling...?

Why?

Promiscuous people aren't harming anyone as long as condoms etc are used so why so angry.

OP I would advise you to say nothing on the number, it doesn't matter at all as long as you have a full screen before you sleep with the girl there is no problem.

She has probably plenty herself anyway so stop worrying.

Personally I'd assure her you're clean (I'm hoping after 400 partners you have had a test) and tell her to leave it at that as the past is the past.
If you do feel the need to answer something, tell her the truth. Do NOT lie, for the love of god, not if you want a relationship with this woman. What a silly idea :mad:

Piste

Tell this girl it's absolutely none of her business.

The Corinthian

The-Rigger wrote: »

Yes, if that person was female.

LOL. The innocence of it.

Jesus Wept

The Corinthian wrote: »

LOL. The innocence of it.

Really? How so? I'm not claiming nobody is having sex.

Any reasonably good looking guy with a reasonable personality can have 3 new female sex partners every week/150 per year?

There are plenty of reasonably good looking guys with reasonable personalities attempting just that, and I imagine the vast majority of them are falling short of that target, no?
If not, would it not be fair to say that a high percentage of men would have had hundreds, if not thousands of sex partners?
Am I wrong in thinking that a large percentage of men haven't had hundreds, if not thousands of sex partners?

Has the reasonable male really got that level of sexual choice?
Did I miss a memo?

SarahSassy

I dont have to know how many partners my OH has had and he has never asked me... Its not relevant if you are both sure you are 'clean'. I think if I was told a guy was with 400 women it would make me think twice and would automatically think he was a player and not interested in being faithful with one person... Possible sex addiction scenario.

Dont tell anyone exact numbers. Make sure you are 'clean' and just tell her you dont want to provide details.

SS

PS 400 does sound a bit OTT and I would say there is an element of 'I wish' added into those figures.

The Corinthian

The-Rigger wrote: »

Any reasonably good looking guy with a reasonable personality can have 3 new female sex partners every week/150 per year?

Where did Thaedydal suggest 3 new sex partners every week?

TBH, three new sex partners every week would be a bit of a logistical nightmare, but it could be done, one new sex partner every week is not difficult, but again requires more effort than a lot of guys are willing to put in.

As the OP noted, once you hit your thirties, it becomes a candy store for men, except with breasts, and sex on a first or second date is not difficult. If you really wanted to you could, between pick ups and dates, but as I said it would require a lot of effort and logistical organization.

What's a lot easier is having arrangements with five or so at any one time. In that scenario, sex with three different women per week, adding a new one to the mix every few weeks to deal with the churn rate, is very, very easy.

Has the reasonable male really got that level of sexual choice?
Did I miss a memo?

Apparently.

Jesus Wept

The Corinthian wrote: »

Where did Thaedydal suggest 3 new sex partners every week?

She didn't. The poster previous to Thaedydal was skeptical towards the OP's claim of having had 400 sexual encounters.
Thaedydal's post was a response to that person's skepticism.

Mine was a response to both of those posts (#30 and #31), and yours was as a result of the difference between scanning a thread and reading it before you dive in.

The Corinthian

The-Rigger wrote: »

She didn't. The poster previous to Thaedydal was skeptical towards the OP's claim of having had 400 sexual encounters.
Thaedydal's post was a response to that person's skepticism.

Mine was a response to both of those posts (#30 and #31), and yours was as a result of the difference between scanning a thread and reading it before you dive in.

*Sigh*

You interpreted Thaedydal's post to mean that three 'hook ups' per week had to mean three new 'hook ups'. This assumption may be as it was a response to the scepticism mooted in the post previous to hers, but if so, it's a pretty simplistic assumption.

If by 'sexual encounter' you mean penetrative sex, then I would agree that it would be difficult to hit that target without some level of compulsive disorder. Otherwise, it's really not all that difficult, especially once you hit your thirties - and you're single.

By then, if you get physically involved just one new women a week, you will most likely have some form of sexual encounter. That means that if you never had any sexual encounter before the age of thirty and meet one woman every week thereafter, with whom you do, you'll hit 400 by the age of 37.

Of course, few of us have the single mindedness of getting a different woman every week, but then again, if we'd had no sexual encounters up to the age of thirty, I suspect we might want to make up for lost time.

Anyway, is it really that important?

John Mason

personally i refuse to answer that question.

it is no ones business

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

*Sigh*

You interpreted Thaedydal's post to mean that three 'hook ups' per week had to mean three new 'hook ups'. This assumption may be as it was a response to the scepticism mooted in the post previous to hers, but if so, it's a pretty simplistic assumption.

If by 'sexual encounter' you mean penetrative sex, then I would agree that it would be difficult to hit that target without some level of compulsive disorder. Otherwise, it's really not all that difficult, especially once you hit your thirties - and you're single.

By then, if you get physically involved just one new women a week, you will most likely have some form of sexual encounter. That means that if you never had any sexual encounter before the age of thirty and meet one woman every week thereafter, with whom you do, you'll hit 400 by the age of 37.

Of course, few of us have the single mindedness of getting a different woman every week, but then again, if we'd had no sexual encounters up to the age of thirty, I suspect we might want to make up for lost time.

Anyway, is it really that important?

Well they would have to be "NEW" hook-ups to meet the target of 200 sexual partners... you can't count the same person twice... Most of su would be in triple figures if that was the case!!

LegacyUser

Ah the encounters do add up as grow old! I've probably done about seventy, am 30 something, don't consider myself particularly promiscuous but have been single about half my adult life. As someone said, its easier to find sex than a relationship! Married now but if a new lover asked I'd probably say about 20/30 but am sure. Its ok to indicate that you've been open to whatever without giving numbers. If someone asks they really just wanna know where you stand on that issue rather than numbers. No big deal.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Ah the encounters do add up as grow old! I've probably done about seventy, am 30 something, don't consider myself particularly promiscuous but have been single about half my adult life. As someone said, its easier to find sex than a relationship! Married now but if a new lover asked I'd probably say about 20/30 but am sure. Its ok to indicate that you've been open to whatever without giving numbers. If someone asks they really just wanna know where you stand on that issue rather than numbers. No big deal.

its very true, strangely though my new partner(1st date hj , second bj) tells me she has had only have one previous partner. and that for only a few months . she is 36 slim and attractive . i admit i find it all mad