What do I do?

LegacyUser

Hi all
Im a big fan of Boards but never had the guts to post till now.
Im in a longterm relationship & have 1 child. I have been suffering from depression for a number of years & have sought help etc. Im making progress (slowly) but my partner has never really been supportive cos he doesnt understand (despite my efforts & requests to talk to someone) & chooses to focus on keeping our lives ticking over (he's a good dad). We have grown apart (physically & emotionally) as I have been low & extremely lonely, overwhelmed etc. Recently I was closing tabs on his computer (So I could use it) & his mail was still open. I saw a mail which was unusual (normally work) & looked at it(I know I shouldnt be snooping but couldnt help myself). Anyway he registered with a website dedicated to people who want to have an affair. I am devastated. I havent broached the subject with him yet as I wanted to calm down & was in shock. I've had terrible anxiety & panic attacks & I don't think my body can take these levels for much longer.
I need advice/opinions on how to deal with this. Do I say nothing? Do I ask him straight?
Please help

Understanding each other, in any relationship can sometimes be a real challange.

There is a book out called "men are from mars and woman are from venus" (or very simalar to that) It would be worth reading just so you can get an understanding as to whether you are (BOTH of you) actually communicating with other and have an idea as to what you want out of this relationship.

As for the "website", it may just be curiousity at this stage, hold back for the moment.

Try to keep the communication channels open for the time being..
Look at what else is (possibly) missing, do you have any friends/family locally, does he?

Depression (been there, done that, bought the Tshirt) NO ONE UNDERSTANDS IT! /rant over

You need to look at why you feel the way you do.. not easy..

Your partner may be helping the best "they can!" that may be true you need to accept that they can only do what thet think is best.

If you have an understanding as to why you are feeling the way you feel, try to communicate that to your partner, he may be just as bewildered as to why things are so bad. This is of course very difficult!

Best of luck anyway.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here

thanks for your reply, much appreciated.

you are right in what you say about communication, there has been a serious lack of it over last couple of years due to a couple of things like me being unable to convey my feelings & also his "bury head in sand" attitude to feelings in general. I have almost begged him to go & talk to someone about living with someone with depression so that he has support & can vent his feelings but to no avail.

finding this out certainly gave me a kick up the backside & I have reopened lines of communication. In fact i havent stopped talking! & he is participating. But the anxiety hasn't gone away. Its not just the affair website (where he was looking for no strings/casual sex) but also speedating etc.

I want to say though that I don't expect him to understand but just some support like a hug without asking for one or taking interest in my day. Im not all doom & gloom & did have good days!

This is not going to go away & it will have to be talked about. I just don't know how to go about it.
Is putting up your profile on this type of website & actively looking not cheating?

I am so hurt & any self esteem I had has been wiped out.

I have supported him in so many ways re his business & have always listened to him about his day etc. He never took any interest in me & I stopped telling him, until recently.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I am typing as it comes into my head!

Thanks