Worried about Friend

LegacyUser

I was talking to my friend the other night and we were talking about life in general and we got talking about suicide and suicide in his family. i know its not much to go but hes normally fairly macho and never talks about this stuff. I know it seems like an over-reation but he has been missing a fair amount of lectures because he said he was tired and he hasn't been very enthusiastic about going out which he normally would.

i know it sounds weird but what should I do.

LegacyUser

Depression is a very sensitive issue and I'm not going to pretend I know everything about it but I will say this: I have lost a friend to suicide and it's not something any of her friends and family will move on from easily. I am telling you this to galvanise you into talking to someone about your friends current mood and family history. If you're in college, talk to a counsellor or a doctor. Colleges usually have someone to give advice about these things and as hard as it may be to talk to someone, please don't think you're betraying your friend by doing it. If not, the Samaritan's can help you too. I wish I had spoken to someone, even when I didn't think it was as serious as it (obviously) was.

Of course, everyone goes through bouts of mild depression, when they don't feel like things are going right for them, or sometimes people just feel sad but considering your friend's background and, as you say, his macho personality, I wouldn't let this lie. Depression and suicide in young Irish men is quite high and a lot of that has to do with the fact that they don't feel like they can talk about it without coming across as less of a man or sensitive.

He is very lucky to have you, you seem like a really good friend. Continue to watch out for him like you obviously have been doing but try to learn from my mistake...

LegacyUser

i don't know how to bring it up though, I know there's loads of councillors(since I know people who got similar support).

It was a fews days ago he brought it up and although he said he's felt this way since he was 15 it's just that he hasn't being seeing any of his family either when he had the chance to go somewhere with them.

so how do I bring it up?

Overheal

It sounds like he has already tried to ask you for help. Don't panic though! Its a good thing. You don't just talk about that kinda stuff with anyone you know. Talk to him. Be his friend. Impart worldy advice when its merited. Be his friend!

College is tough and can make existing issues tougher. Someone he might try doing is making an appointment with the onsite counselor via email. It can all be done confidentially. If he needs any help with classwork he can speak to a tutor also - he doesnt have to divulge details just say "I'm seeing the counselor about something" and then no questions asked so it is. They just need to know that you are taking appointments with the counselor say, or are showing a willingness to catch up, etc.

So again, I'd have you recommend that to him, and just be his friend and confidant. If he needs to talk to you, listen. If you need to say something to him say it. Seeing someone care is a great detterrent in itself to suicide imo (having thought about it once or twice in the good ol' days) so you needn't worry too much about stepping on eggshells. At the same time, if that situation gets too much for you, its not outside reason to schedule your own counselor appointment and maybe get some advice on how to help your friend through this better - you wouldn't have to name names or have him at your appointment, just go in and say youre worried about a friend and you want to know what you can do to help him out.

Youre already doing that it seems like. Coming to PI worried about a friend is a good show of character. Some people would just try and shake it off and go play Poker. You could save a life and make a great friend from this (no pressure)

LegacyUser

HI OP. i have just read through your message with tears in my eyes. i went through the very same experience to your friend and only wish that I had someone there to talk to at the time. i suffered from depression for about 12 years before finally getting treatment. there were times when things were fine - this could go on for about 6 months to a year and the slowly i would slip back into a depressive state which could go on for months. the worst part about it was that i could hide it so well that no one knew - it started when i was 12 so by the time i got to college at 18 i was an old hand at it. like your friend i started skipping college and stay in bed and would randomly try to bring it up in conversation - looking back now i know that those time i was looking for help but i didn't know how to ask for it. there is a huge history of depression and suicide in my family so the signs were there from the start.

Your friend will be glad of someone to shoulder part of the burden. try and talk him into seeing a doctor (i was put on anti-depressents for a year when i finally got help and i haven't needed them since, it was the best thing i ever did). they will only help if his depression is not caused by something that happened to him - if so he will need counselling. Please talk to him but a point of advice would be not to pressure him into anything. He will go to a doctor/counsellor when he is ready and not before. the hardest part is admitting there is something wrong and getting help. i had such a sense of shame about it - i thought i was somehow not the same as everyone else and always felt like an outsider. reassure your friend that so many people are affected by it that it is not embarrassing or shameful and going to the doctor or counsellor is the right way. he doesnt have to live his life feeling like that.

I wish you and your friend all the best. you are a great friend to notice his pain and want to help.

LegacyUser

Actually there is one other thing and that is try not feel like you're on your own-judging by the comments left here for you, you can see that it's not an uncommon thing in Ireland these days but it can sometimes feel very lonely and a heavy responsibility. It is hard when you don't have anyone you think you can talk to, it's really crap actually. I told one of my friends that the girl who sadly took her life was troubled and I wasn't sure what to do and my friend basically couldn't handle it and told me she'd rather not know and to not mention it again. Honestly, I'm really impressed that you have the sensitivity and awareness to be concerned about your friend. Fair play. And there's always boards.ie if you ever need to get stuff off your chest when you feel like no one else will get where you're coming from!

It is really hard to bring it up though. It's not just something you can randomly throw into a conversation... But it'll be worth it. For you and your friend. Best of luck!