Depression

LegacyUser

Hi,
Im a 23 year old male living in Dublin, and i have been seriously depressed for the last 4 - 5 months,

It Started when i was living with my girlfriend, I had a stable job and she had a stable job's,
I quit smoking weed and was training to join the army because i wanted to make money so i could buy this girl a house, and eventually marry her. I trained hard Gave up eating sweets and bad things for me, gave up smoking cigarettes, Started to sort out my life, where i wanted it to be, and how i wanted to have kids my own house in the country etc etc,
So my girlfriend decided she wanted to do a permaculture course down in Cork. I kinda felt a bit Sad about her moving away, but i was planning on going to the army so it would of been a good thing that she went and studied, and got her self some education and do the things she really wants, Everything was going wellish we were fighting a bit but i still loved her with all my heart, and would still do anything for her.

But a big shock Came to me when, I failed my medical exam because of my left ear, The army said i could not join because of my ear. So i was really disappointed with this, i nearly started to cry on the luas on my way home ;/.

So with the army out of the question, She asked me to go to cork with her, and Then well i thought i would go to cork and help support her with money and stuff, So i left my job got the deposit back from the old place, And off we went to cork, We had money and i borrowed a 1000 euro from my brother so we would be ok for awhile.

When we got down there i found it hard to fit in with the people down there, They where very creative people and i kind of felt inferior to them for some reason, But my girlfriend got on like a house on fire. Then i got a Job in the worse sh!t hole of a pub i can ever imagine, It was tough, the customers were all down and outs and sometimes they would even put it up to looking for a fight. And my boss was weird, She would give out about things that i wouldn't even know how to do.
So i said screw this and i walked out of the job. I then Got 2 jobs lined up one a full time job and another a part time job for the weekends, So i was starting to see the bright side of life, I was gonna be making a decent amount of money, so i could rent me and my ex-girlfriend a cottage something really nice were she could plant her vegetables and i could help and learn at the same time,

But A day or two before i was gonna be starting my new jobs,
I was talking to my girlfriend and i could see something wasn't right about her She was hung over and stayed out all night the night before, I didn't think anything bad of it at the time because i knew she was with friends and was having a good time, I couldn't go out because i had to go for a job interview the next day.
So i rang her after i had my job interview and started talking to her, then i asked if she did anything wrong, and she said she did.. She went off with a guy that was a lead singer of a band, This felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach, It felt so bad.
So we talked and i cried like a sissy, and decided to leave and go back to Dublin But i told her if she ever needed anything i would do it, i just needed to go away for awhile.

So i came home and moved back into my parents box room, Met up with my old friends and started doing drugs, even drugs i would have never dared to do before(nothing like heroin or crack etc i am not that stupid) I have a part time job and not allot of money.
So i tried doing things creative like sketching i really like it, it takes my mind off everything but the picture its self, But i don't think there good enough and all my friends want to do is smoke weed all day and watch T.V. I am even afraid to show my friends my drawing's and writings and stuff because they will think i'm crazy.

I have decided to go to college, But i don't know what i want to do. Everything just seems so cool to me, But sometimes i feel talentless and to stupid to even bother trying, because i have the feeling ill just fall smack straight down on my face again.

I don't think that ill ever get back with my ex-girlfriend because i am to clingy? i dunno i read that if men are to clingy and depressed and not amazingly hyper and fun women don't like them. I have tried to keep in contact with her but anytime we talk it just fizzles out, she's properly having to much fun:)

I know my post is kinda all over the place, well thats because my head is all over the place.
I just really needed to post this, because i feel like no one understands me and that my best friend has just died.

Thanks for reading this and any advice would be great full.

Wibbs

Keep plugging away at the sketching. Don't worry too much about quality yet. You're probably your own worse critic. If you look at Vincent VanGoghs early attempts, amateur hour aint in it. He got fairly good though;). Practice, practice practice. That's how all the good ones get good. Talent is one thing, but practice is 90% of it. If you can maybe do a night class, just to give you a framework to build on. That'll give you confidence too. The world really is your oyster in whatever area you want to follow.

As for your ex. I would say let it go. I know I know, that comes across like píss poor advice, but it really is the best advice. You'll know it yourself down the line and will wonder why the hell you didn't start to let go earlier. Get rid of reminders of her too. Let her go and just learn from it and where you reckon it went wrong on both sides. It's not just you.

PirateShampoo

Maybe you should take up a Art Course and meet some new like minded people.

Im nearly 30 and i still have no idea what i want to do with my life. Your 23, your still young.