Can't understand my interfering ex

LegacyUser

I'm 21 and in my final year of college. I was going out with a guy in the same year of college as me for most of first and second year of my degree, before breaking up with him the summer of 2007. We often argued, we could both be quite stubborn, and in the end I just got tired of it and I suppose had just grown out of it, so I ended it. We have the same friends and at first we managed to get on fine, co-exist. I have moved on completely and have no real feelings towards him any more. I get the impression he did not move on as quickly. However, we have both seen other people, etc. I would be very happy for him if he found a new girlfriend.

We were not in college together during third yr due to work experience. This year when we ended up back in college, I just felt he had changed in personality. He has become more obnoxious and he got quite aggressive (feigning joviality but clearly meaning it) and would make comments about the guy I was seeing whenever he would see us together on a night out, etc. His best friend is not a good influence either, really gossips a lot and stirs trouble in our group of friends.

In short, at a party over a month ago, we were both drunk and I got talking to the ex. He said some things I didn't like and I told him some home truths too, such as the fact that I can't stand his best friend, that I felt his behaviour towards me when he saw me with the other guy I was seeing was inappropriate, and so on. He went mad. Since then, he has not spoken to me, he tries constantly to turn the others in our group against me and he is just generally unreasonable. Its kind of shocking how childish his behaviour is, at 23 years of age. Luckily our friends have the sense to stay well out of it but I am a little bothered about the fact that I don't talk to any of them about the situation, prefering to keep it private, whereas he tries to get them involved at any opportunity, so they only hear his side of things.

After a very hard experience with a guy over the last 6 months, where I was treated very badly, I took a break from men. However, for the last month or so, I have been just casually kissing and texting another guy in my ex's course. He's the first new guy I've felt I have potential with. He's not really in the same group of friends as us which is good, less complicated, he's smart, good looking. I would like to see where it could go. But my ex has gone insane. They are not, I must stress, anything more than aquaintances, not close friends, but they have a lot of friends in common, etc. And basically, the ex took this new guy aside on Sunday night in a nightclub and threw abuse at him and basically said (not in so many words) that I was a b*tch and that anyway it was disrespectful of this new guy to kiss me when I was his ex. The trouble stirring best friend also gave out to the new guy for being disrespectful. And now the guy is saying that he probably shouldn't see me anymore because he doesn't want to be abused like that.

I am furious. I have been single for almost 2 YEARS. What right does the ex, who now no longer speaks to me and has said he doesn't give a damn what happens to me or what I do, have to interfere with my love life?? My female friends, the few I've discussed this with, think he's still hung up on me and is just jealous. But I think its more spite because he hates me. Its so infuriating.

What should I do? He won't talk to me. Should I try yet again to discuss this with the ex? Should I forget about new guy and just treat that as an opportunity lost? Any advice or opinions would be great, since I can't even ask my friends for help due to the fact that we are in the same group.

AARRRGH

Hang on one second.

Considering you know your ex is a jealous freak, why out of all the men in the world did you choose to date someone from his class?

Love a bit of drama in your life, do you?

Overheal

Theres a couple things I might suggest here. Are you aqcuainted with your Ex's class president? I know ours was a very likeable guy who spoke his mind and got to know everyone. Im just thinking if that were someone in my class you could go up to el prez and he would play the good friend and advise your exto stay well the fcuk out.

You could also go to the campus counselor and see what he/she might advise you to do, they probably have seen this problem happen a lot and would know best how to advise you to approach the predicament. You and your Boyfriend should both go make a joint appointment actually.

But now, were you just stirring sh!t? Were you deliberately headhunting for lads from His class, or was it just a coincidence? If its a coincidence: fair. But you have to ask yourself deep down, was it really? Or when you found out what course he did did it make him 10 times more of a turn on?

Also bear in mind this might all be more drama then its worth at the end of the day. Its your last year in college. Things are going to ramp up exponentially from here to June. Keep that at the forefront before you go getting lost in guy trouble.

AARRRGH

Overheal wrote: »

But now, were you just stirring sh!t? Were you deliberately headhunting for lads from His class, or was it just a coincidence? If its a coincidence: fair. But you have to ask yourself deep down, was it really? Or when you found out what course he did did it make him 10 times more of a turn on?

The fact that she picked an abusive guy as her previous ex makes me think this girl just likes the drama.

I've met these types of girls before and they are trouble.

MagicMarker

I too fail to see why you would purposely go out with someone in your ex's course, who is obviously more than an acquaintance if they were both out together!!!

Nevyn

Cos she fancys him and she is single and free to date who ever she wants and the ex should just leave her alone.

You are not in college for much longer and it seems like you need new and better friends.
If the new lad isn't intrested enough to tell your ex to take a leap then he's not and
there is not a lot you can do about it but move on.

Overheal

MagicMarker wrote: »

I too fail to see why you would purposely go out with someone in your ex's course, who is obviously more than an acquaintance if they were both out together!!!

This coupled with the Thread title makes me think she is the one interfering with him, not the other way around.

unregged.

angry_confused wrote: »

I am furious. I have been single for almost 2 YEARS.

Yuk I would run miles from you. You sould like an ungreatful brat. What about all the people who have being single for years and years? Or some that have being single forever. Grow up and crawl back under your rock. :rolleyes:

Nevyn

unregged. banned for 1 weeks for unhelpful posting and personal abuse.

AARRRGH

Thaedydal wrote: »

Cos she fancys him and she is single and free to date who ever she wants and the ex should just leave her alone.

I think you're misunderstanding the significance of her picking someone from ex-boyfriend's class.

herya

So are all the lads from her ex's course a no go area then just because he's a control freak? She gave him 2 years to get over it after all. That' s a lot of time when you're in college. And it looks like they are doing the same degree the same year which means the same group of people you spend time with.

But I agree that if he got cold feet bc of these two interfering lads than he's not worth it anyway.

Nevyn

Given how big classes in college can be, no I am not.
I think too many are reading to much into the fact they are in the same class.

Again it's moot as the new lad didn't have the balls to tell the ex when they stepped out of line
and they did step out of line and so did the ex's friend.

This is more if I can't have her no one else can/ how dare she be happy with out me bullshít that guys pull on ex girlfriends in trying to control them and their sexuality
cos they are not mature enough to deal with the fact she doesn't want him.

Overheal

No its not Off Limits, its just very peculiar behavior on paper.

humanji

AARRRGH wrote: »

I think you're misunderstanding the significance of her picking someone from ex-boyfriend's class.

He runs in an almost similar circle of friends. It's seems like a good chance that they would meet. And they hit it off. It happens all the time. If it's a small college then the chances are greatly increased. To be honest, I think you're going down the wrong route of just assuming the OP is at fault. She wanted advice, not suspicion and abuse.

Overheal

Thats fair. As long as we have that got out of the way. I'd still advise a counselor appointment; they can look at the situation in much more detail with you and your boyfriend. If he's getting aggressive or disruptive its a serious issue that may ultimately impact on your school performance, so the college should be brought in, at least in some capacity.

humanji

Overheal wrote: »

Thats fair. As long as we have that got out of the way. I'd still advise a counselor appointment; they can look at the situation in much more detail with you and your boyfriend. If he's getting aggressive or disruptive its a serious issue that may ultimately impact on your school performance, so the college should be brought in, at least in some capacity.

Acutally, I was meant to quote that bit of your post (but my stupid stubby fingers managed to feck it up) as it seems a good thing to go with. And apart from advice on what you should do, it'd also be good for you to talk to someone 1 to 1 about it. It'll help you get your thoughts straight.

Wagon

Overheal wrote: »

Theres a couple things I might suggest here. Are you aqcuainted with your Ex's class president? I know ours was a very likeable guy who spoke his mind and got to know everyone. Im just thinking if that were someone in my class you could go up to el prez and he would play the good friend and advise your exto stay well the fcuk out.

Bad idea mate!! The last thing you want in this situation is more drama. Doing this will cause a lot more.

OP:
I'm 100% confident your ex hates you and has lingering feelings that he wants to get rid of but can't shake them yet and is blaming you. Which is not his fault he might still have them but treating you like crap and ruining your chances is extremely unfair. So I don't agree with him being a bastard to you. And nor do I agree with his best friend getting involved.

However:

- You dumped him. Being the dumper, you got over him a LOT faster cos you didn't have any more feelings for him and could move on.

- He may be 23 but is it his first relationship? First loves are hard to get over at the best of times and it can only be 10 times harder when you have to see your ex in college.

- You are thinking there is an expected timeframe to get over you. 2 years is a long time I admit, but weren't you going out just as long?

The way I see it, I think he's being a bastard but I also think that you made some real cock ups as well. Going out with a lad in his course wasn't the brightest idea, and did you even consider what it would look like from your ex's point of view? I'm fairly sure he want's to get over you but if you were going out with this other lad he'll have to see you more often because they're in the same class or are out on similar college nights. Makes the whole thing a lot harder.

Being honest, and just to clarify, was part of you doing this for the drama?

Overheal

Wagon wrote: »

Bad idea mate!! The last thing you want in this situation is more drama. Doing this will cause a lot more.

I disagree. A counselor will do as much or as little as you consent to. If you want the Spanish Inquisition, or if you just want to quietly get something off your chest. Nothing is done without your express consent, and nothing leaves that couch/chair without your approval.

Wagon

Overheal wrote: »

I disagree. A counselor will do as much or as little as you consent to. If you want the Spanish Inquisition, or if you just want to quietly get something off your chest. Nothing is done without your express consent, and nothing leaves that couch/chair without your approval.

Oh i know they can be great! But in this situation, the only way a councilor can intervene directly is if he/she actually talks to her ex. Considering his apparent temper, I don't think a quiet word will go down too well.

So it ultimately boils down to does the OP want

(a) a quiet word to get it off her chest and some advice on how to deal with the situation, or
(b) does she want to start world war 3?

CDfm

Thaedydal wrote: »

Cos she fancys him and she is single and free to date who ever she wants and the ex should just leave her alone.

You are not in college for much longer and it seems like you need new and better friends.
If the new lad isn't intrested enough to tell your ex to take a leap then he's not and
there is not a lot you can do about it but move on.

OP you are free to date who you like and should expect your ex to leave you alone.

You shouldn't expect your new B/F to become the Lone Ranger because of your situation with your ex. Common sense should tell you to avoid your ex especially at parties and gratuitously dissing his friend is just silly.I am sure you and your friend Ms Heineken told him a few home truths.

Thaed is right get new friends and enjoy whats left of college life.

AARRRGH

herya wrote: »

So are all the lads from her ex's course a no go area then just because he's a control freak? She gave him 2 years to get over it after all.

Maybe I am old fashioned, but I think it is a bit disrespectful to date people from your ex's class. Especially when you know it will make your ex go nuts.

I knew boards people would say "it's a free world, she can date anyone she wants", but in the real world people should be respectful and considerate.

She is not being considerate, and she is asking for drama. But of course, that's what she wants. We all know girls like her.

Nevyn

AARRRGH you are presuming way to much about the op and it's not helpful.

Yes in the ideal world people should be respectful and considerate and that would include
her ex who should mind his own business.

marti101

Its the ops ex here in the wrong not her,she can see whoever she chooses.How would he know so much about her its like hes stalking her.Talk to the councillar maybe an outside view is whats needed.She is single and her ex has no right to go around warning other people off her.Its not his job.Anyway if he sppent more time getting over the relationship and less time worrying and following and warning people off,he too could be loved up and not be worrying and interfering.Cause thats what he is doing.

LegacyUser

OP here. OK, I should have clarified a few things. Firstly, the class I am referring to has over 200 people in it, hardly a close knit group. Secondly, I hate the drama, and have given up on this new guy because I don't want to cause agro for him or for my friends who will have their ears bent by my ex about it, so I fully intend on letting it go. As for the 2 year comment, I was not trying to be insensitive to people single for much longer, I was just saying that when do I get to fully leave that relationship behind?? I think it would be different if he was behaving like this 6 months or even a year later but at some point it has to stop!!

As to the counselling, that is good advice but the ex literally won't hear me out. He won't even reply when I try to say hello or when I ask him how an exam went, or any other polite attempt I have made when forced into a social situation with him. At this point I've given up trying.

I am in a year of college where it is too late really to make new friends. Its like Leaving Cert in a way, in that all the groups have interlinked at this stage to the point that even in a year of a couple of thousand, a lot of people know your business. Its hard to meet new people. I am very shy, and I don't meet guys easily. I was not in any way looking for drama. I was looking for company, and I don't think that is something that I should be sorry for. Its unfortunate I didn't get to meet any guy that was entirely unconnected to my ex, but in the college scene its just inevitable that the only guys you meet are those who may know people you know. I was aware that this guy was in the same course as the ex, but I knew they were not close, and I really just said that when an opportunity for happiness (not to overstate the relationship, just saying I really don't even kiss a guy often, and we got on very well) arose, and as far as I was concerned I was a free agent who had given it a respectful (IMO) amount of time after the break-up, and did not intentionally go for someone close to my ex, why shouldn't I kiss him??

I think the fact that due to work experience we were not in college together last year doesn't help, as its really like a new experience for us to have each other out on the same nights and so on.

I'm just in a really tough situation. I'm giving up on the new guy, for a quiet life. Even though it had potential. But what if I am lucky enough to meet another guy that has potential, only to realise he happens to live on the same street as my ex, or be a member of the same gym, or some other tangental connection no closer than that between the ex and the new guy??? When do I have to draw the line? Who is off limits? Its not his close friends, or his next door neighbours, or anything like that I'd go for, I would never do that. But in a close knit college scene like ours, where does it get to the point where he has to leave me be??

I'm so frustrated! I don't think I'd act like this if he was with a person from my course of 60 people. But yes, the fact I dumped him obviously means I got over it faster. But two years on, seriously. Am I really that unreasonable to want him to move on and stop feeling he has any "rights" over me?

Overheal

angry_confused wrote: »

I'm just in a really tough situation. I'm giving up on the new guy, for a quiet life. Even though it had potential. But what if I am lucky enough to meet another guy that has potential, only to realise he happens to live on the same street as my ex, or be a member of the same gym, or some other tangental connection no closer than that between the ex and the new guy??? When do I have to draw the line? Who is off limits? Its not his close friends, or his next door neighbours, or anything like that I'd go for, I would never do that. But in a close knit college scene like ours, where does it get to the point where he has to leave me be??

This is the big problem, and what you should talk to the counselor about. They don't have to involve him personally at all - you dont even have to name names (this isnt Secondary School - They arent going to summon him by intercom down to the headmasters office and stir a big rumour mill), but even just so you are talking to someone who can give you some sound advice based on your detailed account and situation.

If you think this new guy is worth investing in I think you should do so. If you feel its not worth jeopardizing the degree then focus on the degree, then explore these issues again when you have more free time.

Its kind of a catch 22 situation: You stay together, and the ex bullies your boyfriend and stirs sh!t with your friends. You break up, and your ex gets a little victory and the knowledge that he can still get to you/under your skin. Its not a binary situation, and won't have a binary solution, which is why a counselor seems like a worthwhile source of advice.

As for the ex himself, by the sound of it he definitely needs some of his own help. He clearly needs to talk to somebody about his greivances, imo, and put your past relationship beind himself. Because his failure to deal with his own feelings is not only hurting him, but interfering with you and anyone you associate with.

Any notion what he is trying to accomplish? Does he just want to piss on your parade? Trying to get you to 'realize youve made a horrible mistake and should take him back'?

I am a little bothered about the fact that I don't talk to any of them about the situation, preferring to keep it private, whereas he tries to get them involved at any opportunity, so they only hear his side of things.

Maybe its time to fill some of them in a little bit, and establish your version of things? Some may be willing to help you out by helping him get over it.

Wagon

angry_confused wrote: »

I'm so frustrated! I don't think I'd act like this if he was with a person from my course of 60 people. But yes, the fact I dumped him obviously means I got over it faster. But two years on, seriously. Am I really that unreasonable to want him to move on and stop feeling he has any "rights" over me?

No. Not at all.

Well, I can understand how your ex is feeling and two years to get over someone isn't unheard of. But i do think his behavior is out of the question.

You know what? Ring your ex. Direct your anger at him. You have a right to. He shouldn't be carrying on like this and maybe a kick up the hole will sort him out? This new lad is just avoiding the problem, maybe because he wants to keep the drama away from you. It doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested...

Overheal

I wouldnt. Like I said. Anything that show's him he is getting to you is nothing but more power to him.

cocoa

At the same time ignoring this kind of behaviour and allowing him to get away with it is giving him power as well. I'd say he's acting like a child, give him a piece of your mind and make it clear this isn't acceptable.

He doesn't own you, and he doesn't own his class. He seriously needs to cop on.

CDfm

angry_confused wrote: »

As to the counselling, that is good advice but the ex literally won't hear me out. He won't even reply when I try to say hello or when I ask him how an exam went, or any other polite attempt I have made when forced into a social situation with him. At this point I've given up trying.

Its unfortunate I didn't get to meet any guy that was entirely unconnected

I hope you dont take this up wrong,but,for someone who is shy you make a lot of critical remarks to him which he may have taken badly including your comments about his friend and telling him to get counseling. Its no wonder he doesn't talk to you.

I wonder if he was posting would he say " went out with a shy girl from my class -introduced her to all my friends - broke up - now she is talking about me to everyone -calling me a nutter and mentally ill- she created a drunken scene at a party-tried to start a fight between me and a classmate who was with her- and keeps showing up at the places I go too. She accosted me outside an exam"

It seems to me that you are more connected then you think and are a more active participant in this than you care to admit and are initiating contact.

I may be wrong.

BY all means see the new guy but dont blame him for walking away if you drag him into a nasty situation.Im with Thaed about moving in different social circles which is not that hard and think that therein lies the problem. Anyway -you are in your final year and should have better things to do with your time then feudin.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I hope you dont take this up wrong,but,for someone who is shy you make a lot of critical remarks to him which he may have taken badly including your comments about his friend and telling him to get counseling.

I know you're trying to help but you took me up completely wrong on most of that. My comments about his friend were ill-advised, thats for sure, but the friend is a nasty piece of work and on the night in question he was particularly bad. I still shouldn't have commented on it, but I did and I have to live with that.

I never suggested he get counselling, that was one posters idea for what I possibly could do. However, to be honest, that would prolong contact between my ex and me which I really don't want, I want him to be as peripheral as possible to my life, without having to lose the friends I have made in common with him over the years.

CDfm wrote: »

I wonder if he was posting would he say " went out with a shy girl from my class -introduced her to all my friends - broke up - now she is talking about me to everyone -calling me a nutter and mentally ill- she created a drunken scene at a party-tried to start a fight between me and a classmate who was with her- and keeps showing up at the places I go too. She accosted me outside an exam"

I did not have any drunken scene, it was a quiet talk in private that night, which no-one else at the party was involved in or even aware of. I never speak to anyone except one housemate about the whole thing, I certainly don't talk to "everyone" about him, that's what he does about me in fact. I never called him a nutter or mentally ill or anything like that.

We met our friends in common, or seperately and introduced each other. Its not a case of he introduced me to his friends and now I'm trying to steal them. We are in a small city, and we're 4th years so the only places our year frequent are over 21s, etc. so thats a very small amount of clubs. Am I supposed to go out alone, or try to drag my friends to 1st year haunts just so he won't be out in the same club as me? Why should I have to compromise my nights? I try to avoid him in clubs, I don't flaunt anything in his face, and on occasions where he is with a girl I steer well clear and leave him to it, which is all I'd ask from him in return. To leave me alone. Its not like I bring a guy over to him and kiss him in front of the ex. To be honest I had, I stress HAD moved on to the point that I'd almost forget the ex was around. But this business with the new guy and all has just brought the ex back into my life in a way I don't want. I want to move on and I want him to do the same.

Accosted me outside an exam??? When did I say I did that? I just mean that the only times I've met him since have been when we go to a house of mutual friends, which is the usual practice before a night out, to drink, about 20 of us, and I end up stuck beside him in the queue for the bathroom or something. In that situation I try to make awkward polite conversation, such as, merely an example, how was that exam I hear your class had today? Accost? Hardly.

I just don't know how I can just get him to forget about my presence altogether. I wish he'd find a new girl so that he'd be less conscious of what I do. But one guy came up to me Tuesday night on a night out and asked me how I felt to be the subject of a "war". A war?! Surely we are more mature than that. When I asked this lad what he meant he said the ex didn't like the new guy kissing me because I was still the ex's property. I feel like screaming. How can he think, two years on, that he has any right to me? I'm not going near the guy from his course again, its not worth the trouble, but that doesn't mean I'm accepting that my ex has the right to interfere like this.

CDfm

OP my 18 yo son would call you both "classy".He often has parties in my house and you would be the type of people that would not get invited.

But you dont catch my drift that there are 2 of you involved who are both strong willed and neither will back down. So its a "mutual" situation and neither will back down.

My comments were that if he posted he would see it differently to you were not factual but you are not showing the empathy or detachment which you need to let go.

It would be such a shame if neither of you learn from it and its what will define your last year in college.