estranged from family

estr

Anyone else here who can relate? I haven’t seen any of them in almost 2 years, and live only 2 hours away. Don’t drive though so it’s not that easy. Would have to rely on catching 1 bus per week or asking one of them to collect me. My exbf told me I would regret it in years to come. I suppose that struck a chord with me and so I broke the ice and texted everyone a happy new year. They texted me back the same kinda formal text. And then a few days later I rang my mother basically saying that I'd like to see her. Been in phone contact with her since then, sort of.. But I keep coming back to the fact that we can’t get along. In fact I blame her for turning the family against me in a way... And I now feel I’ve made a mistake by telling her that I want to see them. But I am torn too...I just can’t summon the courage or whatever to go and meet them. So much has happened and there’s too much water under the bridge. I am probably happier without them.. But there’s also the guilt and I can’t seem to block it out. I know my parents at least want to see me. For whatever reason. I doubt it’s anything to do with loving me for who I am... I just don’t want to regret this years later.. I am in my early 30s. Kind of lost and not sure what to do. Want to do the right thing for myself. One part of me says that that is staying away from them. Another says it would be healthier to at least have some kind of basic contact.
Any advice or perspective would be welcome. Thank you.

LegacyUser

You will definitely regret if you don't keep in contact. You can always keep it 'contact lite' for the time being but at least keep it at that. Blood is thicker than water and everyone learns that lesson sooner or later.

Overheal

Me and my oldest brother fight a lot. But we always run into eachother of christmas. We got to talking this year and finally got down to the crux of the issue that he has so many issues with our dad and the divorce, and that since I live with him, I've apparently picked up a lot of his attitudes and arguments, so its weird for him, and seems to trigger off a lot of agression. But that only came out after we got into a really heated exchange of words. He's always lived away from home whenever possible (the divorce was violent, couch psychology methinks home never felt safe for him after that) but it was amazing for me to hear him admit that, and admit he'd love to have a relationship with our dad, but it just always brings out those memories in him.

To be honest OP sometimes you just need to get to the bottom of things head on, get through all the hate until something else starts showing up. I think you should go, and confront these issues you have with your family. It won't be easy but the most worthwhile things never are. Even if it doesnt quite work out, try in keep in touch, write them a paper letter every while or so to let them know how you are. Paper is sincere, doesnt need a reply, and isnt as easily ignored as email.

Zee Deveel

Can relate, estr. I grew up a normal enough family until my teens when a few things went wrong at the same time and my relationship with my parents grew quite toxic. Turned quite abusive, really. Ages 16/17 is characterised in my mind as a series of either me walking out, or them kicking me out. Spent most of being 17 sleeping on mates' couches/floors/beds and cutting off just about all contact with my parents, which was quite a pity, as I had quite a strong relationship with my younger siblings.

It was almost 2 years before we really got back in touch later, more out of love for my siblings than my parents, but at this stage, I'd been living away from them for the guts of 4 years, and had occasional twangs of guilt about not being in touch, but saw no redeeming features in them that would make me want to be in touch, except for this so called blood tie.

Once I decided I was going to emigrate, I figured I'd nothing to lose in getting back in contact and it must be said, things are easier. I avoid conversation that goes beyond the superficial and family news, and talk about my own life as little as I can get away with. It's good though, I'm glad to be back in touch (much as I'll moan every time my mother texts me something particularly 'mothery'), but it's good to know I'm not causing her too much stress now, and, sure, I reckon there'll be plenty of guilt one day standing at her grave, but I know that this is something I had the power to change while she's still alive and that I've done it.

I say keep it at basic contact. Even if you visit twice a year for a birthday and Christmas or something. Basic contact's better than none, and easier than lots.

Try to let go of old grudges that can be let go of. Try to deal with the issues you can't quite let go of, but I'm not sure it'd be a great idea to bring them up the first time you meet. Think of this as a clean slate and a new beginning and see how it goes.

Best of luck

adagio

Ester,
I noticed that doubt prevails throughout your thread.
Firstly, forget about the saying 'blood is thicker than water' - it's a sloppy synopsis of a complex set of relationships. Don't be guilt-ed into doing something that is not right for you. This seems to be the crux of your question - what do you want?
There is no denying that the bond between Parent and Child is beyond deep, it is core to who we are; genetics/moral codes...etc. But, sometimes this deep linking of two/three human beings is overshadowed by the behavior of the parent/s.
In some cases this results in a case of estrangement (I know this is an oversimplification).
I am too estranged, but from my father due to his disgraceful behavior throughout my young/adult life. He suffers from Depression/Alcohol abuse and serious unresolved personal problems - as a consequence of the these personal traits he was a parental disaster (that's putting it mildly!). But, he is my father, so what is my responsibility to myself and to him?
Well, after years of trying/forgiveness I took the thoughtful decision to cut all ties. I made this decision because there was so much I wanted to achieve and I felt the energy that was being wasted on him would be better spent on me (selfish - damn yeah).
As a consequence, I haven't seen him in two years and my life has progressed amazingly well - I stand by my decision. BUT... I too have feelings of guilt (assuming you feel guilty). I have no idea where he is or how he is doing and at some time in the near future I will contact him to check out how he is doing. But I do not want a relationship with him as he cannot provide me with what I need from him (selfish - No, what I need from him is selfless affection). Therefore, I made the right choice and I am sure about it.
What do you want from your parents and can they supply it?
Do you know what you want from them?
Figure the above questions out and look after yourself - and don't be pressed into something because it is what is expected.
Do whats right for you... K?
:mad::rolleyes::D

Lollipops23

You know what?there is no law saying that families have to get along.i don't get why people feel they must impose themselves on eachother when they simply don't like eachother. would you do this with other people you didn't like?no!
I admire the fact that you are trying to get a cordial relationship going,that never hurts. but there's no reason why you should force yourself to be all cosy and family-like when you just don't want to. Is there issues that you need/want to sort out with them?did you ever say things in the heat of an arguement that you now regret?if so,maybe try and resolve them. if not,and you are happy without them, don't bother.maybe send Xmas cards, maybe ring every so often, but don't feel like you have to play happy families.

Salome

I agree with Lillipops - some form of contact is good though for both of you. Just so you know that everyone is well and vice versa but you don't need to play happy families because society inferrs that everyone should get on with their folks.

Keep in contact with them by all means but do what you feel the most comfortable with.

LegacyUser

Yeah some contact is always better than no contact. Things mellow out as you get older as well. Keep in touch.

Sephiroth_dude

You should go meet and be the bigger person put your differences aside and try to reconnect with them,you'll regret it in years in to come if you dont.

Loxosceles

Well here's my two cents worth. I'm from the States and when kids separate irreconcilably from parents, it almost always has to do with lifestyle choices rather than the more common personality clash here in Ireland. Like for example, a kid grows up pentecostal or baptist and decides they're an atheist or pagan, or grew up in a strict family and ends up gay. At which point the family shuns him or her and it causes immense grief, most of it usually to the parent. It nearly drove my relationship between me and my mother apart until she was counseled by her church to accept my nontraditional views and seek reconciliation, and it did both of us a world of good because no philosophical difference should come between parent and child.

One of my best friends back home grew up Jewish but ended up in a blended family with his father, and was crowded and bullied out by his new mother's children seeking favour. His father didn't challenge the situation at all. By the time he was a teenager he was immensely lonely and finally decided to burglarize his father's study to get attention. What happened was an absolute nightmare; his father put him in jail at 19 on the insistence of his stepmother and he was there for 2 full years. After that, no contact; I wouldn't blame him. When my friend became a father and decided to inform his father that he had become a grandparent, the result was his father's attempted suicide. That's how much a situation like that can hurt. When I decided to come over one friday evening with candles and challah to introduce his now-teenage daughter to Shabbas dinner, all he could do was sit there and cry.

American parents are 1) usually very affectionate and usually say 'I love you' a lot and 2) after Roe v Wade in 1973 we all have our kids voluntarily, so far more of our children are fully wanted rather than accidents and consequences. Regardless of circumstances, that is the rule and it enables nontraditional or broken family arrangements such as divorce or interstate separation to be transcended and end up a lot stronger.

But one thing I've noticed in Ireland which is disturbing is seeing pure personality conflict between parents and teenagers leading to estrangement that doesn't show any commitment to love and affection. It works on the "I'm bored with the Easter puppy" principle which is not an option regarding children, almost as if a kid somehow stops being lovable when they stop being cute and little, and attention material for fawning neighbours, and the parent gets weary of the job of raising them. That's a kind of cruelty I can't wrap my head around because if anything love and support should be ramping up, not dying down, and who cares what the neighbours think. I think the teen years are the most important time that a parent needs to remind their child that regardless of disagreements, they are still loved. Every kid ends up different from us, for all I know my daughter could end up a GOP born-again, which would annoy this hippie no end to be sure, but by the time our kids hit their thirties they will be embracing the pure positives that they remember us giving them so it's worth it in the end.

Lollipops23

i don't think that's true,most Irish parents are extremely loving from what i've seen. bear in mind that this country has undergone massive cultural changes in the last 20-30 years, our parents(for the most part) were raised in strictly Catholic homes, and many of our lifestyle choices are very far removed from anything they've ever known.

OP; i reckon your parents have never stopped caring about you, and i'm sure deep down you care about them. that's why i'd encourage this cordial relationship. But don't force your company upon eachother. If you don't get on, you don't get on, no use in upsetting eachother.

estr

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

You should go meet and be the bigger person put your differences aside and try to reconnect with them,you'll regret it in years in to come if you dont.

Yeah that’s basically what my boyf was saying.

adagio wrote: »

Ester,
I noticed that doubt prevails throughout your thread.
Firstly, forget about the saying 'blood is thicker than water' - it's a sloppy synopsis of a complex set of relationships. Don't be guilt-ed into doing something that is not right for you. This seems to be the crux of your question - what do you want?
There is no denying that the bond between Parent and Child is beyond deep, it is core to who we are; genetics/moral codes...etc. But, sometimes this deep linking of two/three human beings is overshadowed by the behavior of the parent/s.
In some cases this results in a case of estrangement (I know this is an oversimplification).
I am too estranged, but from my father due to his disgraceful behavior throughout my young/adult life. He suffers from Depression/Alcohol abuse and serious unresolved personal problems - as a consequence of the these personal traits he was a parental disaster (that's putting it mildly!). But, he is my father, so what is my responsibility to myself and to him?
Well, after years of trying/forgiveness I took the thoughtful decision to cut all ties. I made this decision because there was so much I wanted to achieve and I felt the energy that was being wasted on him would be better spent on me (selfish - damn yeah).
As a consequence, I haven't seen him in two years and my life has progressed amazingly well - I stand by my decision. BUT... I too have feelings of guilt (assuming you feel guilty). I have no idea where he is or how he is doing and at some time in the near future I will contact him to check out how he is doing. But I do not want a relationship with him as he cannot provide me with what I need from him (selfish - No, what I need from him is selfless affection). Therefore, I made the right choice and I am sure about it.
What do you want from your parents and can they supply it?
Do you know what you want from them?
Figure the above questions out and look after yourself - and don't be pressed into something because it is what is expected.
Do whats right for you... K?
:mad::rolleyes::D

What I would like for now and more than likely for the long term is basic contact if possible. Just to have them in my life really and know they are there at the other end of the phone, or that I am there for them. To visit now and then, maybe twice a year, maybe more than that, without being put on a guilt trip about how long it’s been since I’ve last visited and constantly being asked when am I visiting again.. (like it would never occur to me unless I was constantly badgered about it!) I could make this a very long post I am sure, but what it comes down to is not being treated like an adult and these guilt trips from my mother especially.

And she is really the main person who is this matriarchal figure who abused me mentally and physically(beatings) throughout my childhood, often for no good reason. And because I am the eldest child I bore the brunt of her venom but also because I would often try to protect my younger siblings from her. They are grown up now too and they seem to be all doing ok...and she has mellowed out a bit with age.

But at the same time there is a lingering atmosphere of disappointment or negativity towards me whenever I have visited in the past. All this stupid expectation they had of me of having a well-paid high-flying job or whatever was rejected by me long ago..... I would be lying if I said there wasn’t still resentment there. I wish there wasn’t and I know it’s unhealthy, but every time I get back to thinking about the subject I feel this anger/sadness growing inside... And you are right Adagio, it does consume needless energy. Thank you for your post by the way, I got a lot from it. Also the smilies made me .

Lollipops23 wrote: »

You know what?there is no law saying that families have to get along.i don't get why people feel they must impose themselves on eachother when they simply don't like eachother. would you do this with other people you didn't like?no!
I admire the fact that you are trying to get a cordial relationship going,that never hurts. but there's no reason why you should force yourself to be all cosy and family-like when you just don't want to. Is there issues that you need/want to sort out with them?did you ever say things in the heat of an arguement that you now regret?if so,maybe try and resolve them. if not,and you are happy without them, don't bother.maybe send Xmas cards, maybe ring every so often, but don't feel like you have to play happy families.

Yeah that’s the thing. If there is any contact at all then it seems to lead to pressure for more contact and more unity.. By now they have probably finally gotten the message that I am not someone who is into playing happy families just for the sake of appearance. I have chosen not to attend a lot of Christmases, a couple of weddings and whatnot over the years. I don’t feel great about that.

If anything I feel sad about it but I had my reasons, and I shouldn’t feel duty-bound to attend these events when I feel I have nothing in common or nothing to talk about. But people like my bf have said that I should put my own feelings completely to one side and attend these events anyway, just to make them happy. I guess that’s summarizing what the main conflict is.

Whether I am being selfish(in a bad way), or am I preserving myself from being surrounded by negativity and the sort of atmosphere which makes me feel like a child again or else makes me feel not good about who I am in the present.. It is kind of hard to describe actually...

As for sorting out or resolving of issues, well that would require a whole sea-change in how things have always been done ie sweep stuff under the carpet and wait till the ‘issue’ whatever it is reaches a crisis point. The only way I would think this were possible even in theory would be to bring in some kind of mediation to provide counselling. Because the communication problem seems to be that everything goes through my mother somehow. I have no interest in family politics or whatever the correct term is, I just think things in life should happen a lot easier and that people should lighten up a bit, say sorry when they are wrong and move on.. But my other siblings seem to have inherited her stubbornness or whatever it is that says that showing any kind of vulnerability is a show of weakness.

Zee Deveel wrote: »

....
I say keep it at basic contact. Even if you visit twice a year for a birthday and Christmas or something. Basic contact's better than none, and easier than lots.

Try to let go of old grudges that can be let go of. Try to deal with the issues you can't quite let go of, but I'm not sure it'd be a great idea to bring them up the first time you meet. Think of this as a clean slate and a new beginning and see how it goes.

Best of luck

Thank you. That is good advice