Change her mind

LegacyUser

Hello all,

I need a little advice from all.


I have been seeing this girl for the last 10 weeks or so, everything going great but it came to an end as we were falling into a relationship. Her choice not mine. When she ended she could not bare to look me in the eyes, i knew she didnt want to do it. The reason she was treated really bad in previous relationship one was violent towards her. From that point on she said she had a deep mistrust for all men.

Anyway fast forward one week and this afternoon we were texting..... she said she still likes me and missed spending time with me (she is not saying this to cushion the blow, she always speaks her mind no matter what, no b\s at all) but her overall fear is being hurt again and never wants a relationship cause of the pain and hurt she suffered before. She summed it up as fear.

So this is my dilemma... how do I convince her I am not going to hurt her like the way she has before. I certainly am not violent and not a cheater EVER. She has to be one of the most kindest persons I ever met, so thoughtful and caring not to mention beautiful. I know I cant guarantee that things will work out for us but how do I make her take that chance? If nobody ever took a chance where would ye all be.

Thanks for reading

ManOfMystery

Nothing will change her mind overnight. You need to put a lot of trust in her and put the ball in her court - tell her you really like her and you think you could both have a great future together, but you understand her hesitation and her fears. She needs to take things slowly and to know that you'll give her as much time and space as she needs. Remind her that she can't go through life with a fear of commitment and partnership or she will ultimately end up alone.

Colonel_McCoy

I agree, it could be a long road before she changes her mind but if she is worth it go for it.

LegacyUser

UnregGalwayGuy wrote: »

Hello all,

I need a little advice from all.


I have been seeing this girl for the last 10 weeks or so, everything going great but it came to an end as we were falling into a relationship. Her choice not mine. When she ended she could not bare to look me in the eyes, i knew she didnt want to do it. The reason she was treated really bad in previous relationship one was violent towards her. From that point on she said she had a deep mistrust for all men.

Anyway fast forward one week and this afternoon we were texting..... she said she still likes me and missed spending time with me (she is not saying this to cushion the blow, she always speaks her mind no matter what, no b\s at all) but her overall fear is being hurt again and never wants a relationship cause of the pain and hurt she suffered before. She summed it up as fear.

So this is my dilemma... how do I convince her I am not going to hurt her like the way she has before. I certainly am not violent and not a cheater EVER. She has to be one of the most kindest persons I ever met, so thoughtful and caring not to mention beautiful. I know I cant guarantee that things will work out for us but how do I make her take that chance? If nobody ever took a chance where would ye all be.

Thanks for reading

Sorry mate but you are deluding yourself here. First of all she has told you that she doesnt want a relationship with you. Get with it, she DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. If she did she wouldnt say the exact opposite would she?

By not even giving her that basic respect you are saying to her "I know better than you", which is probably what her (supposed) ex's did.

Mate get over it and stop pressuring her, for all you know the reasons could just be an elaborate version of "its not you its me", and if they arent then the girl needs space to get over her past not another relationship, either way she's told you to back off, take it like a man and maintain some dignity.

Liam Byrne

Add the OP's original statement to the above "bolded" bits:

UnregGalwayGuy wrote:

she always speaks her mind no matter what, no b\s at all

Sorry, OP.....don't go there! Had this "hurt in the past" discussion in the past and replied with "but I'm not them"......made damn all difference.

While there is a natural need to work through stuff that happens us, there are also people whose minds allow them to wallow in it and remain the victim; you can't counteract that (and, indeed shouldn't want or be expected to).

Don't know which to object of your affections is, but she's made it clear and like you said above, she doesn't bull****.

cantdecide

It will probably never get off the ground and I agree with the above point about not becoming her live-in counselor. This is almost always a bad thing.

All I would do in your situation is lay your cards on the table once and for all and tell her in no uncertain terms that you think that you two would be great together despite what she is telling you. Tell her that you are taking what she is saying at face value and assume that it isn't all an alternative way of telling you get lost but either way you are prepared to accept her decision.

This is the road I would go down and you then must be prepared to walk away I would think.

LegacyUser

I've been that girl - I wasn't physically abused, but there was sustained emotional abuse, distance, criticism, control, over a long period.
I met a guy I liked about 2 years after we split. And fed him this same sort of line, pretty early on, he was doing the pursuing, and I was holding back bigtime. I didn't tell him about the other relationship, but one day he remarked he could be patient, and I said he'd need to... I didn't trust him or any guy to get close to me. Had great fun on dates, but as much as I wanted I couldn't get closer than that.
My advice would be to speak to her as cant decide has outlined above. But step back then. Stay in touch if you want/ she wants, but put no pressure on her. If she changes her mind it'll ahve to come from her, not through pressure from you.
DO NOT counsel her - even if you help her sort her head out, she'll associate you with this pain and eventually you'll just be a reminder of bad feelings and she'll cut you out of her life anyway. Give her the space to sort this out herself. Whether she actually will or not will depend on how ready she is, how much damage has been done to her self esteem etc.
She might not be ready to address it yet; it's taken me a long time, I'm only now getting there.
Also, stay in touch, but don't be too available... she could come to use you just as a safe emotional crutch, you'll be the safer option, company without the stress of a relationship.

To be honest she sounds like it's all stil pretty raw, and I wouldn't hold out much hope for you. All you can do is stay in touch without being heavy or a doormat.

Things didn't work out with the guy I was seeing, I imagine it was too much hard work for him, and don't blame him at all. He's seeing someone now who seems to be a lot less complicated than me...
I was pretty cut up about it though, I liked him a lot. It's given me the push I needed though to sort myself out, and I'm getting help with sorting through the issues the last relationship left me with. I don't want him to see the issues I have, I haven't told him much about the relationship, and I'm hoping against hope that we meet again when I'm in a better place and he's single once more (acknowledging that this is probably just a hope and won't happen).

Basically, she might be telling you the truth, and all is not lost, but it'll be a long road before this girl might be ready for a relationship, with you or anybody. You can't 'save' her. If she changes her mind it'll be of her own accord, and you can't rush her.

You should probably ask yourself if this is really something you want to get involved in to be honest, it might be more work than it's worth...

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Sorry mate but you are deluding yourself here. First of all she has told you that she doesnt want a relationship with you. Get with it, she DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. If she did she wouldnt say the exact opposite would she?

By not even giving her that basic respect you are saying to her "I know better than you", which is probably what her (supposed) ex's did.

Mate get over it and stop pressuring her, for all you know the reasons could just be an elaborate version of "its not you its me", and if they arent then the girl needs space to get over her past not another relationship, either way she's told you to back off, take it like a man and maintain some dignity.

This sounds about right esp the bit in bold. Look you can't change her mind and appealing to some weird "logic" wont cut it. It'll drive her further away. She either feels it or she doesn't. Simple as that. I've seen people go out with people who logically were completely wrong for them, when logically the "perfect" person was there in front of them. Didn't matter, they felt it was right.

Look when someone says they're not looking for a relationship in this context, what they're saying is they're not looking for a relationship with you. Ive seen women(and men) who swore blind they weren't looking for a relationship, have fling after fling and then one day meeting someone they did want to have a relationship with and guess what they did.

So what do you do? Back off. Don't try to change her mind as you can't. You could try to change her gut feelings, but hard work and not worth it. Accept what she says and move on. If you want to avoid getting emotionally headwrecked disconnect from her and don't go down the "friends" route as chances are you'll always be looking for more.

Wibbs

Been her... wrote: »

My advice would be to speak to her as cant decide has outlined above. But step back then. Stay in touch if you want/ she wants, but put no pressure on her. If she changes her mind it'll ahve to come from her, not through pressure from you.
DO NOT counsel her - even if you help her sort her head out, she'll associate you with this pain and eventually you'll just be a reminder of bad feelings and she'll cut you out of her life anyway. Give her the space to sort this out herself. Whether she actually will or not will depend on how ready she is, how much damage has been done to her self esteem etc.
She might not be ready to address it yet; it's taken me a long time, I'm only now getting there.
Also, stay in touch, but don't be too available... she could come to use you just as a safe emotional crutch, you'll be the safer option, company without the stress of a relationship.

Great post and a great insight right there. Do not get into the mode of her shrink. Baaaad plan. Been there and I got to go out with them, but as been her wrote she will likely associate that part of her life with you. You'll be safe practice guy and You'll smooth out the bumps in her road, but someone else will get to drive on it, 9 times outa 10. Shrinks get paid for their time, you won't.

lee_arama

No need to go unreg'd here:

Been that guy in the past - just keep it country man, be there as a friend and act like one. With some luck we'll be getting the wedding invites in the post in a few months time right?

unhappycamper

OP

I am in a very similar boat at the moment so there is no need for me to start a thread on the matter. I was on 8 dates, all allot of fun and kisses yad yada :pac::pac: Day after valentines I made myself clear that I would like us to be a couple but she didn't see it that way. She too was burnt badly by a long term x and for this reason she will not and cannot commit beyond dating. I also agree that if a girl does not want to be with you then best leave her forever. The fact is that we are not doormats and we are not professional councillors. Some people like to wallow for a very long time and until they drop the baggage and move forward you are wasting your time with them. I was told that her best friends have advised her to move on. Knowone likes to feel second best to another person so you must grab your dignity, lift your head high and leave it down to experience. Just becasue one is interested in something more doesn't mean the other is and as much as it is and now feels like a major kick in the balls it's better to move on now then to fall in love and then get kicked in the heart. The truth is you deserve to be in a 50/50 relationship otherwise you are working too hard. You need to be treated well too and remember that. I won't entertain this break up any more as it is one sided and that just isn't fair. Best of luck OP.

Overheal

I agree with Wibbs here. You can't be her shrink. I tried it once, went completely south. You end up becoming the friend while you get to watch some other dick benefit from her peace of mind. Since then I've turned down at least 2 really good potential relationships when it just started ending up on the leather couch and chair and not in a fun way. Relationships need to be about new, positive experiences early on, you can pick eachothers brains and past lives later. Shrink Mode is no way to start a meaningful relationship.

Nevyn

Wibbs wrote: »

Great post and a great insight right there. Do not get into the mode of her shrink. Baaaad plan. Been there and I got to go out with them, but as been her wrote she will likely associate that part of her life with you. You'll be safe practice guy and You'll smooth out the bumps in her road, but someone else will get to drive on it, 9 times outa 10. Shrinks get paid for their time, you won't.

+1

Why waste that much time, energy and emotion for someone else to reap the
benefit when she feel like she needs a fresh start cos all you do is remind of how far she has come and of her failures ?

LegacyUser

I'm actually in a similar place......I just came out of a relationship with someone that I was with for years. I met this guy, who is absolutely fantastic. He really really is, hes really caring and understanding and I really think that he is great.

The problem is the break up has left me very raw. I don't feel like I'm ready to be in another relationship but this guy is so great. I can't seem to just 'let go' and get into it - well anything more then just dating anyway. But to be honest even that is really hard.

I want to do right by him because hes so great.But I don't want to make rash decisions either cause I wouldn't want to hurt him (hes made it clear he would like a relationship)

Salome

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm actually in a similar place......I just came out of a relationship with someone that I was with for years. I met this guy, who is absolutely fantastic. He really really is, hes really caring and understanding and I really think that he is great.

The problem is the break up has left me very raw. I don't feel like I'm ready to be in another relationship but this guy is so great. I can't seem to just 'let go' and get into it - well anything more then just dating anyway. But to be honest even that is really hard.

I want to do right by him because hes so great.But I don't want to make rash decisions either cause I wouldn't want to hurt him (hes made it clear he would like a relationship)

I've been here too - I broke up with a guy I had serious feelings for as he wasn't able to give me what I needed (long story). After 3 sad months when I did things I'm not proud of, I met the love of my life. I wasn't quite over my ex at the time but I needed to give this guy a chance and I'm pleased to say that we're very happy together. Sometimes your rebound person can be the very thing you need. I guess it all depends on yourself though. I just got lucky.

stevelknievel

I was there too guys, but mine was very short lived. I knew all about her pr!ck of an ex and we were having fun. About 4-5 weeks in I started to get a little deeper into her, and I like to think she was as well. Unfortunately at about that time she heard a rumour her pr!ck of an ex spread about her. That marked the end of us. That flipped the "All men are b*stards" switch. I'm not sure why people say forget about her completely though. I kept in touch with mine, and would count her as one of my closest female friends now. And no, I'm not just hoping she'll get drunk and f**k me some night. I'm well over it. The fact is she has a great personality and we get on well. You can have female friends and not have it about sex.
Basically, you cant push her into it cos that will just remind her of her ex. All you can do is tell her exactly where you stand and hope fr the best. If it doesn't work out, you can try just friends.

I'm actually in a similar place......I just came out of a relationship with someone that I was with for years. I met this guy, who is absolutely fantastic. He really really is, hes really caring and understanding and I really think that he is great.

The problem is the break up has left me very raw. I don't feel like I'm ready to be in another relationship but this guy is so great. I can't seem to just 'let go' and get into it - well anything more then just dating anyway. But to be honest even that is really hard.

I want to do right by him because hes so great.But I don't want to make rash decisions either cause I wouldn't want to hurt him (hes made it clear he would like a relationship)

Could have written that myself. It's so hard because the last thing you want to do after being hurt is turn around and hurt someone else, but you think, what if I let the person go and they're the one for me?

No offense guys, but if the girl really wanted to be with you she wouldn't care how much of a prick her last boyfriend was.

People are full of **** and will lie to make themselves feel better about dumping you.

Nevyn

People get damaged in relationships and you have to allow yourself time to heal before
jumping into the next one.

If a person is still suffering the hurts from the last relationship it will carry over.
They will spend far to long reflecting and comparing to the last one and well flinching.

When you tell someone that you love them you don't want the ghost of relationships
past ruining it as she right away thinks the last person who said that to me broke my heart by
betraying me/breaking promises/being a prick.

They are still reacting based on those 'hurts' and the new person could be "the one"
they have the best chance at good long term relationship but they aren't ready yet
and you don't ask a person who has a broken leg to dance the polka.

pseudonym1

Thaedydal wrote: »

and you don't ask a person who has a broken leg to dance the polka.

Wonderful post and esp this bit.

LegacyUser

Dude! First of all, the reason she's saying that BS is because she doesn't want you. If you were Mr. Right she wouldn't be saying that. In this context, it means that she's not looking for anyone fitting YOUR description. Secondly, a woman who has a history of being involved with abusive men (who hasn't had therapy and recovery) is simply not good relationship material. You want to avoid this type of woman at all costs because you don't want her becoming the mother of your children nor would you want someone like that as your partner. As soon as any woman whom you're dating starts telling you stories about how her ex-boyfriend beat her or humiliated her or threatened her or stalked her, head for the nearest exit. If a woman is addicted to being with bad men, that means she will not be able to tolerate being with someone who treats her well.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];59091619]Could have written that myself. It's so hard because the last thing you want to do after being hurt is turn around and hurt someone else, but you think, what if I let the person go and they're the one for me?[/QUOTE]

Question to you and the other girl in the same situation? I'm seeing a girl who feels the way ye do. She's asked for some space. From ye're point of view does that space mean back off and try being friends for the foreseeable future or does it mean I need a week to think things through. I've being giving her the space but don't want to leave it too long as I might come across as not keen enough on her, for her to want a relationship anyway.

unhappycamper

People who find it hard to move on are always going to be trouble. There is nothing worse than being with someone who is still holding on to the past. Either yee both move forward or yee don't but it is terribly frustrating when one wants to move forward and the other one wont.

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

Question to you and the other girl in the same situation? I'm seeing a girl who feels the way ye do. She's asked for some space. From ye're point of view does that space mean back off and try being friends for the foreseeable future or does it mean I need a week to think things through. I've being giving her the space but don't want to leave it too long as I might come across as not keen enough on her, for her to want a relationship anyway.

Don't back off and down grade yourself to her friend.

Give her a week of not being in her life or in contact with her at all.
Let her miss you in instead of hanging around hovering waiting for permission
to land, such a holding pattern is putting pressure on her and will only
frustrated yourself.

unhappycamper wrote: »

People who find it hard to move on are always going to be trouble. There is nothing worse than being with someone who is still holding on to the past. Either yee both move forward or yee don't but it is terribly frustrating when one wants to move forward and the other one wont.

That's part of life and the 'fun' of being in a relationship.
You have to figure then how long you will wait for them to be ready.

unhappycamper

Thaedydal wrote: »

That's part of life and the 'fun' of being in a relationship.
You have to figure then how long you will wait for them to be ready.

I figure waiting is potentially dangerous, I mean what if all of a sudden she gets back with her x and I am left for dead? My relationship on Sunday ended for this very reason, I got impatient and started the councilling thing which in turn pushed her away and we broke up. I am a positive forward thinker where she freely admits she is a ponderer!

unhappycamper

unhappycamper wrote: »

I figure waiting is potentially dangerous, I mean what if all of a sudden she gets back with her x and I am left for dead? My relationship on Sunday ended for this very reason, I got impatient and started the councilling thing which in turn pushed her away and we broke up. I am a positive forward thinker where she freely admits she is a ponderer!

You think that she would give a shít about you being a positive forward thinker if you were Brad Pitt?
I repeat again, these are just excuses for someone wanting to break up with you.
You're worried that she might get back with her ex? Well if she does you were obviously never meant to be. It kinda saddens me that people can fall for BS like this in relationships, when you wouldn't put up with it in any other facet of your life(I hope)..
I mean, has a mate ever ditched you because they were a ponderer? Reality check..

Mr. Incognito

I've been that girl - I wasn't physically abused, but there was sustained emotional abuse, distance, criticism, control, over a long period.
I met a guy I liked about 2 years after we split. And fed him this same sort of line, pretty early on, he was doing the pursuing, and I was holding back bigtime. I didn't tell him about the other relationship, but one day he remarked he could be patient, and I said he'd need to... I didn't trust him or any guy to get close to me. Had great fun on dates, but as much as I wanted I couldn't get closer than that.
My advice would be to speak to her as cant decide has outlined above. But step back then. Stay in touch if you want/ she wants, but put no pressure on her. If she changes her mind it'll ahve to come from her, not through pressure from you.
DO NOT counsel her - even if you help her sort her head out, she'll associate you with this pain and eventually you'll just be a reminder of bad feelings and she'll cut you out of her life anyway. Give her the space to sort this out herself. Whether she actually will or not will depend on how ready she is, how much damage has been done to her self esteem etc.
She might not be ready to address it yet; it's taken me a long time, I'm only now getting there.
Also, stay in touch, but don't be too available... she could come to use you just as a safe emotional crutch, you'll be the safer option, company without the stress of a relationship.

To be honest she sounds like it's all stil pretty raw, and I wouldn't hold out much hope for you. All you can do is stay in touch without being heavy or a doormat.

Things didn't work out with the guy I was seeing, I imagine it was too much hard work for him, and don't blame him at all. He's seeing someone now who seems to be a lot less complicated than me...
I was pretty cut up about it though, I liked him a lot. It's given me the push I needed though to sort myself out, and I'm getting help with sorting through the issues the last relationship left me with. I don't want him to see the issues I have, I haven't told him much about the relationship, and I'm hoping against hope that we meet again when I'm in a better place and he's single once more (acknowledging that this is probably just a hope and won't happen).

Basically, she might be telling you the truth, and all is not lost, but it'll be a long road before this girl might be ready for a relationship, with you or anybody. You can't 'save' her. If she changes her mind it'll be of her own accord, and you can't rush her.

You should probably ask yourself if this is really something you want to get involved in to be honest, it might be more work than it's worth...

sometimes I really really wish we could thank unregs

unhappycamper

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

You think that she would give a shít about you being a positive forward thinker if you were Brad Pitt?

lol


I repeat again, these are just excuses for someone wanting to break up with you.

I agree 100%

You're worried that she might get back with her ex? Well if she does you were obviously never meant to be. It kinda saddens me that people can fall for BS like this in relationships, when you wouldn't put up with it in any other facet of your life(I hope)..

Certainly not, thats why I pushed the subject. I wanted to help her break up with me so we could both just move on. The fact is she is all over the place either way.

I mean, has a mate ever ditched you because they were a ponderer?

Certainly not point taken!

Reality check..

Bigtime! I have never in my life had a 2 monther, comes as a big shock!! Still can't believe and neither can my friends that she didn't give me back the bracelet I gave her on valentines. If she doesn't want me then why would she keep the jewellery I give her??