Girlfriend wants to smoke!

LegacyUser

my girlfriend wants to smoke, she used to but i made her stop and now she wants to again but i am really against it, I have depression and even thinking about her smoking makes me feel a whole lot more worse.

I don't know what to do, ask her to not smoke when she wants to or just let myself get worse while she smokes.

ideas?

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

my girlfriend wants to smoke, she used to but i made her stop and now she wants to again but i am really against it, I have depression and even thinking about her smoking makes me feel a whole lot more worse.

I don't know what to do, ask her to not smoke when she wants to or just let myself get worse while she smokes.

ideas?

You're emotionally blackmailing her to stop smoking?

What has her smoking got to do with you and depression? Have you dealt with a GP etc on this issue?

Mr. Incognito

Bring her to the exhibition with all the bodies where she can SEE what smoking does to your lungs

Never again for me.

cantdecide

All I can do is sympathize.

I used to smoke but stopped 5 years ago. I've become more and more glad that I did over time. Even seeing people I love smoking that horrible stuff down and sickening themselves like I did just makes me feel terrible.

LegacyUser

I dont want to emotionally blackmail her thats why i'm here seeing if there's a different solution.

her smoking is a trigger i guess

drunkmonkey

Unregistered wrote: »

but i made her stop

bet you didn't, she's probably been smoking behind your back all the time, she's probably now just tired of hiding it, take it from a smoker, if you wanna smoke you will....regardless of who says so....

LegacyUser

No way would a responsible person propose to start to smoke, especially one in a relationship.

muboop1

Unregistered wrote: »

my girlfriend wants to smoke, she used to but i made her stop and now she wants to again but i am really against it, I have depression and even thinking about her smoking makes me feel a whole lot more worse.

I don't know what to do, ask her to not smoke when she wants to or just let myself get worse while she smokes.

ideas?

i'm sorry to sound harsh, but tuff! she is a grown woman im assuming, and if she wants to smoke thats her choice. you cant as another poster said "emotionally blackmail" her.

if you don't like it you can break up because it bothers you. but if you try impose such things on her because it will make you sad.. you need to cop on!

your using depression as a way to control her clearly!
if my gf done that, id have to break up with her.

what you shoudl realy do is explain you dont want her to because it is bad for her health and you dont want to see her do herself damage etc..

but blackmailing her is a no no

Monkey61

OP you are being ridiculous. Her smoking has nothing to do with your depression. If you even suggest that to her you will be engaging in some seriously childish emotional blackmail.

She can smoke if she wants to. Obviously if this is a major deal breaker for you then perhaps she isn't the right girl for you. I would think twice about throwing away a relationship because of this though.

Jack B. Badd

Unregistered wrote: »

i made her stop

Does it occur to you that making your partner do anything is a sign of an unhealthy relationship?

Queencake

Unregistered wrote: »

my girlfriend wants to smoke, she used to but i made her stop and now she wants to again but i am really against it, I have depression and even thinking about her smoking makes me feel a whole lot more worse.

I don't know what to do, ask her to not smoke when she wants to or just let myself get worse while she smokes.

ideas?

Your gf is bring silly - "deciding to smoke" but so are you! I've suffered from depression so I understand your fear of getting worse but you've absolutely no right to use your depression against your gf.

It's her body, her decision.

If you honestly think this will actually make your depression worse (we all have different triggers) then I think you need to consult your counsellor/doctor. You seem highly sensitive and it needs to be addressed.

smares

You can't make her do it because your depressed.I don't mean that bad but her smoking is hardly making your deprssion worse.
Someone will only give up smoking if they want to and are ready to not because they are forced. It sounds to me like your trying to lay the guilt trip on her!!

sardineta

In fairness, you should dump her for her lack of consideration and mental faculty: it really is one of the most obvious stupid things that people do to themselves.

Overheal

Im going with Drunkmonkey and Jack B Dadd here. You don't see something wrong with imposing your philosophy over someone else's free will? I won't debate apples and oranges here too much: but if this were a drug or alcohol addiction it would be the same issue - you can't force her to quit, she has to want to.

But we aren't talking about Drugs or Alchohol addictions, we're talking about a smoking addiction, which is both legal and not an immediate risk (like drink driving), so she is well within her rights to smoke. So you can either be OK with it or not be OK with it and break up with her.

Emotional Blackmail is both 1) Not an option and 2) Asinine, because it will end up finishing the relationship anyway, when she gets sick of hearing how Smoking is making you feel depressed, which sounds like a total cop-out whichever way you swing it. If you're depressed see a doctor and/or counselor.

her smoking is a trigger i guess

A trigger of what? If its not the smoke that you're depressed from what is it? Is it the dawning realization that you may be less than entirely compatible with this person? The economy? Your favorite Pop Idol singer getting eliminated? What?

tbh

if you can't handle your girlfriend smoking, break it off with her and find someone you have more control over.

Zee Deveel

OP, in a way, in can understand that the idea of your girlfriend smoking can make your depression worse. Stressing about loved ones has spiralled me down on more than one occasion.

But this isn't a big crisis. It's just smoking. We all know it can have serious long-term effects, but if it took you to 'make' her give up the smoking the last time, I think it's safe to say she never did really want to give up the smoking. I love how you didn't even say that you helped her to give it up, but that you 'made' her.

Relationships are about love, respect and compromise, among a host of other things... but you are clearly not respecting her free will, or her choice. If she wants to give it up, she'll do it in her own time. If she insists on smoking - which she has every right to do - you're free to let her know that you disapprove, but for God's sake don't bring the depression into it. I'd recommend seeing a doctor/therapist about the depression if it's triggered that badly by something so relatively small... I'd be worried that if you actually came to some genuine crisis, it would just tip you over the edge.

My partner smokes, which I don't particularly like, but it's his little vice and I think everyone's allowed their own outlet. He only smokes outside in our flat, never smokes in the car and, depending on my mood, gets refused kisses/cuddles if his breath's smoky. Doesn't impact on my life or health, and if he ever did/does decide to quit, I'll be 110% behind him. But it is his choice, not mine.

Dragan

Unregistered wrote: »

my girlfriend wants to smoke, she used to but i made her stop and now she wants to again but i am really against it, I have depression and even thinking about her smoking makes me feel a whole lot more worse.

I don't know what to do, ask her to not smoke when she wants to or just let myself get worse while she smokes.

ideas?

Nice to see that this is all about you mate.

Center of your own universe much?

Try explaining the points that actually affect your girlfriend to your girlfriend, such as health and economic benefits etc etc.

I am willing to be you have a history of using your depression to half control your girlfriend, try thinking about this one JUST from her point of view for a second.

Wagon

OP i don't really see what it has to do with you. It's her choice, and all I got in your post was "my depression" and "I made her stop" and generally all about you. You don't want her to stop for her, you want her to stop for you.

Do you live together? If so, ask her can she only smoke outside in the garden so you don't have to breath it in th house. It's like that in my gaff and it seem fair to me. I don't liek passive smoking, you don't have to put up with that.

But stop treating her like a child.

Wibbs

Dragan wrote: »

Nice to see that this is all about you mate.

Center of your own universe much?

Try explaining the points that actually affect your girlfriend to your girlfriend, such as health and economic benefits etc etc.

I am willing to be you have a history of using your depression to half control your girlfriend, try thinking about this one JUST from her point of view for a second.

I see where you're coming from, but if the chap has clinical depression and from what I've experienced anyway, I noticed that in people who suffer from it, one of the symptoms seems to be a very strong unhealthy self focus outside the "norm". Plus a strong sensitivity to environmental changes such as this. It seems to be part of the disease process. Now that's just my personal observation, but if it is part of his disease process, then his views will come across as extreme to others.

OP I understand your objection to the smoking, but if you try to detach that objection from your focus a little and see if there's a compromise, even a temporary one. What wagon suggests is a good one. If you're seeing a counselor, then maybe explore this situations and the feelings surrounding it with them? Just to get a different angle on the matter.

Vegeta

Overheal wrote: »

But we aren't talking about Drugs or Alchohol addictions, we're talking about a smoking addiction, which is both legal and not an immediate risk

I am not disagreeing with your general point Overheal but just wanted to say that I would class nicotine as a drug.

Sure its socially acceptable (well mostly) and legal but its an addictive substance which is smoked.

Obviously calling it a drug and calling all smokers drug addicts wouldn't be very popular but that is not a conversation for this thread.

OP, seek professional help. If you are clinically depressed then people telling you to "get over it" etc is not going to help you.

CathyMoran

OP - your gf has an addiction and needs help with this. She needs your support to get over this just like you need help from her with your depression. Could you try and get her some sort of support to stop smoking?

OP - also, please get professional help with your depression if you are not already doing so.

the_syco

CathyMoran wrote: »

OP - your gf has an addiction and needs help with this. She needs your support to get over this just like you need help from her with your depression. Could you try and get her some sort of support to stop smoking?

Can't believe I'm agreeing with CathyMoran on this one. She does need your support in quitting the habit, but for the right reasons. If she quits for the wrong reasons, she'll go back smoking. One wrong reason would be, um... blackmail. And yes, I smoke. If someone attempted to blackmail like you have done, I would have told them to get lost. Blackmail, esp emotional blackmail, can sometimes help end a relationship.

tbh wrote: »

find someone you have more control over.

Yes. May the next one have even less backbone, and obey your commands without question :rolleyes: I do hope I have missinterpreted your comments tbh.

Dragan

Wibbs wrote: »

I see where you're coming from, but if the chap has clinical depression and from what I've experienced anyway, I noticed that in people who suffer from it, one of the symptoms seems to be a very strong unhealthy self focus outside the "norm". Plus a strong sensitivity to environmental changes such as this. It seems to be part of the disease process. Now that's just my personal observation, but if it is part of his disease process, then his views will come across as extreme to others.

I have dealt with depression, i've done the Meds, i've done the talking, the shrinks, the explanations. At the end of the day, the way to beat it is to not let it control you, to not let it damage the relationships that count to you.

You need to get outside of yourself, and in a way, you need to get over whatever it is that has been getting you down. It's not always easy, and it's not always fun but life will bring you tragedy and you can either accept that and apply the correct levels of sorrow to things or you can go the way of the OP, which is to remain in your selfcentered bubble and make the world work around you.

I don't see the OP doing anything in his post to either help himself , or his girlfriend.

Being in a relationship with someone who is suffering from despression is incredibly tough. I know, i have put people through it in the past. You need to keep in your mind all the time that your reactions, thoughts and feelings are not necessarily the property of your concious, but are more often fueled by the things in your subconcious that are making you unhappy.

The OP can either realise that this is a small issue, and accept it as such, accept that his girlfriend needs some happiness and he may not always be comfortable with where that happiness comes from.

The signs also imply that the OP feels his need for his girlfriend to not smoke is priority of his girlfriends possible addiction and dependancy on a ciggarette.

You can deal with depression in a healthy manner, or in a very unhealthy manner. This attitude may sound harsh but it was what got through to me and what helped me beat my depression and stay on top of it through highs and lows since then.

And this was explained to me by someone who had already had their own battles with despression.

I'm not taking shots at the OP, i am basically pointing out that you can only really make advances in dealing with your own depression when you realise that it often works contrary to what it is we want to feel or do or think and apply some inner strength to finding your own thoughts and feelings and apply them to you life, over the negatives ones that can often seems so prominant and do such a good job of convincing us are our own.

Hrududu

Is smoking really the issue here? She used to do something and you made her stop. Now she wants to start again. So you are losing your control. So you may get around this, she may not start smoking. But what if something else doesn't go your way? Will your depression kick in every single time you don't get your way?

nedoo

Is your depression making her smoke?

tbh

the_syco wrote: »

Yes. May the next one have even less backbone, and obey your commands without question :rolleyes: I do hope I have missinterpreted your comments tbh.

no mate, I don't think you have. you possibly didn't understand my comments, but you didn't misinterpret them.

JC 2K3

Vegeta wrote: »

I am not disagreeing with your general point Overheal but just wanted to say that I would class nicotine as a drug.

There's no "I would class.." about it, it IS a drug

I don't see what the issue is really, OP. I could understand your concern if she was your wife, you were middle aged and she'd been smoking heavily for years, but from what I've read, I'm guessing you're quite young, wouldn't imagine she's a very heavy smoker and the chances of her dropping dead or even having minor health issues in relation to smoking are minimal.

Encourage her to cut down or to stop if you wish, but it's her body, you can't tell her what to do. If you don't like her smoking around you then ask her not to, that's a reasonable request.

Otis Driftwood

Some people seem to be mis-interpreting the OP.His g/f isnt just deciding to smoke,she used to but he (allegedly)made her quit and wants to start again.
As others have pointed out,she probably never quit in the first place,just disguised it.Us smokers can be pretty sneaky.Ask any 15 year old that hides it from their parents.
OP,the fact of the matter is that your G/F will not quit until she decides its time to quit and no amount of blackmail/blaming her for your problems will change that.You seem to have deeper issues apart from depression(which if its that severe you need to seek professional help for) such as control issues.
Everyone knows smoking is unhealthy but as a smoker that has quit and relapsed multiple times the last thing we want to hear is someone harping on at us about it,never mind trying to put their own emotional baggage on us and blaming the fact we smoke on it.

Overheal

tbh wrote: »

no mate, I don't think you have. you possibly didn't understand my comments, but you didn't misinterpret them.

Even I took a sideways glance at the post. But I assume you mean finding someone who might respect his opinion more or have opinions on the matter that line up with his own (eg. a Non Smoker)

I mean OP you knew she was a smoker when you met her yes? You're either OK with it or you aren't. You can't just say "OK I'll let it slide so I can get into her pants" and then later change your mind. Stick to your principles, Man. "Sorry, but I don't think I could ever date a smoker. Though you are smoking hot ha ha ha...Friends?"

tbh

Overheal wrote: »

Even I took a sideways glance at the post. But I assume you mean finding someone who might respect his opinion more or have opinions on the matter that line up with his own (eg. a Non Smoker)

no, I meant someone he has more control over. That's obviously important to him.

Overheal

tbh wrote: »

no, I meant someone he has more control over. That's obviously important to him.

Ah, cynicism. gg

tbh

well, really, I think the depression is a bit of a red herring here. It boils down to this: the op should tell his girlfriend that her smoking bothers him, and why. She should then consider whether to quit or not. If she doesn't, he should decide whether or not it's important enough to end the relationship over. Is it? Or isn't it? Pretty simple when you boil it down to the bare bones. I hate this term "I made her stop smoking". You don't find a partner and them mold them to your expectations, you learn to love them for who they are. And if you can't, you move on.

OP, you have depression. It sucks, but there it is. It's your issue, and you have to deal with it. Learn to deal with your reactions to stresses, rather than trying to eliminate all sources of stress, cause I tell you mate - you're on a loser there, for sure.

BigBenRoeth

Would you cop on to yourself like.
She's allowed to make decisions for herself.