Is He or Isn't He?

LegacyUser

Hi Going Un reg for this,

to cut a long story short: Am going with this fella approx 15 years one child and everything seemed fine. A couple of years ago a girl started in my fellas office and I stupidly checked his phone one night and saw texts going on between them confronted him and he said that he was flattered by the attention and would stop texting I was upset at the time but got over it eventually . We have recently got engaged and everything seemed fine until valentines day where he left his phone at home ..it got the better of me and I checked it again and low and behold texts from the girl at work on his phone .. nothing saucy but emotional stuff like her asking was he marrying for the right reason and that after some sort of conversation they had in work she was obiviously not happy for some reason and was texting him stuff like she was going home and she had enough he was telling her in different circumstances things might have been different etc.. Now i confronted him and he said that nothing was going on and that she was always texting him and he just answered to keep peace in the office and that she was more of an annoyance than anything and that nobody knew about it in the office he told me to ring her if i wanted to clarify this but i didn't .. Now I am extremely upset over this as I don't know what is going on ..Is he having an affair or not.. I love him and know that he loves me too but maybe not enough with four years of texting. I believe that he is not having an physical affair as i know where he goes and who he is with if he goes out etc..and is always home on time etc ... Why would he ask me to marry him if this was going on? I feel so hurt and have noone trustful around me to discuss this with.. he is a very outgoing person and loves attention but I thought we were solid. What do you guys think?

MIN2511

1. STOP checking his phone
2. Ask him, if he's cheating on you.
3. What do you want from this relationship?
4. If you find out he's cheating will that be the end of the relationship?
5. If he says he doesn't want to get married what will you do?

partyguinness

He appears to be confiding in her..which is not necessarily a bad thing. It may help him get some perspective as he may feel that he cant talk about such things with the lads and he is able to trust this girl from work.

Believe it or not it may be helping him and ultimately your relationship. he is able to confide and relieve some of the pressure he may be feeling.

Then again he may be having an affair....

If i was you I would try to get to know this girl...My favourite motto in these situations is "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer." and I think this may help you...get to know her and it may satisfy any doubts you have.

puglover

partyguinness wrote: »

If i was you I would try to get to know this girl...My favourite motto in these situations is "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer." and I think this may help you...get to know her and it may satisfy any doubts you have.

+1 Wise words

Smyth

puglover wrote: »

+1 Wise words

Utter tripe.
Wise they are not. Sit your man down and talk to him. Tell him what you've told us. You're considering spending the rest of your life with this person. There's no need to conduct your own private investigation. If he tells you he's not and you truly believe him, so be it. If you have your doubts, question why you're marrying this person at all. The prime of love has a time limit. After that, any decent relationship is based on trust. If you don't have that foundation, it will crumble eventually. With the high percentage of failed marriages and infidelity, be careful who's advice you listen to. I hope you understand.

puglover

puglover wrote: »

+1 Wise words

No they are not wise words. Pretending to befriend someone so you can better indulge in jealousy, keep tabs on your partner, being twofaced, leads down a very unpleasant path and is an awful thing to do to the poor girl in the first place. It will do nothing except make the OP even more suspicious (without basis) of any innocent thing the girl does.


OP it sounds like he's confiding in the girl, nothing untoward needs to be going on. Tell him you still have concerns. Ask him to be frank rather than trying to soothe you because you won't go off in a jealous rage. Do not then go off in a jealous rage.

You may ask why he is marrying you with this going on, but I'll ask you why you're marrying him if you don't trust him at all. Stop checking his phone.

Mr. Incognito

Listen woman,

men talk to women about emotional stuff- god knows we can't talk to other fellas.

Respect his privacy and leave him the hell alone- if you go looking for something to be upset by you will find it.

GunScope

It may not be physical cheating ... but reading the situation, he has obviously led this girl on when he should have made it abundantly clear that he is in a long-term relationship with a young child and nothing can happen with her.

She is a work colleague, there is no need to confide in her. There is no need to have anything other than a professional relationship with this woman.

I think this guy is playing with fire and instead of torturing yourself with "what if" and hypotheticals, you should confront him and make it abundantly how you feel about this .... I don't think its too much to ask that your partner be faithful to you in all things, emotionally and physically, after all a relationship is about trust, and if there is evidence (regardless of how you came across it) enough to shake your faith after 15 years then there is something to worry about, you should speak to your partner and get this cleared up. ...

Best of luck my dear.

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

I love him and know that he loves me too QUOTE]

If this statement is true, then you shouldn't even suspect an affair. Everyone has someone they confide in. He sees her day in day out. If you're not happy, you need to stand up and say it now. You're engaged to the man! You know it is possible to be close to someone of the opposite sex and not be having an affair with them.

Nothing good ever comes from snooping in someones private mails. Things get taken out of context, blown out of proportion and sarcasm and jokes between friends can often be picked up completely wrong. If indeed you do love each other TALK about it... like grown ups. No one can tell you if he is or is not having the affair but him. If he says no, what then? Do you keep wondering? Doubt and distrust can wreck a relationship.

John Mason

how in gods name is the internet supposed to know whether your BF is having an affair with his mobile phone or not?

just ask him but it is quite obviously you dont trust him

No trust = no relationship

dump him and move on

*Honey*

I would suggest that he is flattered by the attention, and is, in a way, playing both sides to boost his own ego. For a text to read "she had enough he was telling her in different circumstances things might have been different etc..", it sounds to me that he's been leading her on somewhat. I've been there before, with a bloke who was a bit of a headwrecker... I have to admit that I like the bit of drama before I grew up and realised it wasn't that I liked him, just the drama of it.

As to the question, is he having an affair, it depends on how you define an affair? Would he actually have to have sex with her to be an affair, or is sharing emotional thoughts and personal issues, especially to the point of suggesting that, if things were different he might be with her, not you? To me, that would be an affair - an emotional one. If you are to be his wife, he should never been making statements like that to anyone else.

I agree that you should talk to him, be very clear how you feel about all this and tell him that if he really loves and respects you, to be honest with you. I imagine he won't entirely - I also believe he probably doesn't feel he's doing anything inappropriate. It's really down to what you believe is an affair, what you feel is inappropriate. For me, and I can only speak on my own behalf, I would consider it an emotional affair (becoming more common with the use of the internet etc).

I believe you can redeem this relationship if you're both honest and truthful. But I believe he has to accept that he's acted in a way that is tantamount to infidelity - the fact that she will still be around work will be problematic and you may have trust issues with regard to that for some time and he needs to accept and manage this too.

I hope it all works out for you.