A question for dumpers out there

LegacyUser

Ok...so one day you dump your other half because you don't see them in a rosemantic way anymore. You still really care about and love the person you broke up with but you don't want to have a future with them. You ask them to stay friends and hope that someday you will be close friends. Your other half is left heart broken but agrees to the bargain because they still want to have you in their life in some form and they think it's worth the struggle in the long run.

...HOWEVER, your dumped Ex is very hurt, has a re-think, has now no intention of being friends because that is stupid and would like to teach you a life lesson...

How should they do this? And which would hurt you more?

1. Your now Ex purposely disappears and you never see them again for the rest of your life? Therefore, is disappearing on the person who dumped you, but who wants to be friends, the ultimate revenge? Will you always think about what happened to them?

Or

2. Should the dumpee stick around, grin and bear it, and be happy with new partners in front of you while keeping their distance and not paying you much attention?

towel401

iunno but this just friends thing is usually a huge waste of time

i swear a lot of them just do it so they can rub it in your face about what a great time they are having with their new bf/gf and if that doesn't put you off being friends with them they'll just start ignoring you

scanlas

I doubt your ex really loved you in the first place if they go on to behave like that towards you.

LegacyUser

Unreggy, dont try to get revenge -she/he doesn't really care if you:

a: dissappear
b: flaunt new lovers in front of them

They dumped you because they have moved on and so should you. Dont embarass yourself with these melodramatic plans!

As for

like to teach you a life lesson...

The dumper has done nothing wrong in dumping you if they didnt fancy you any more so there is no 'life lesson' for them to learn.

Its you that needs to learn the lesson and stop being childish cos your ego is bruised.

Wagon

unreggy wrote: »

Ok...so one day you dump your other half because you don't see them in a rosemantic way anymore. You still really care about and love the person you broke up with but you don't want to have a future with them. You ask them to stay friends and hope that someday you will be close friends. Your other half is left heart broken but agrees to the bargain because they still want to have you in their life in some form and they think it's worth the struggle in the long run.

...HOWEVER, your dumped Ex is very hurt, has a re-think, has now no intention of being friends because that is stupid and would like to teach you a life lesson...

How should they do this? And which would hurt you more?

1. Your now Ex purposely disappears and you never see them again for the rest of your life? Therefore, is disappearing on the person who dumped you, but who wants to be friends, the ultimate revenge? Will you always think about what happened to them?

Or

2. Should the dumpee stick around, grin and bear it, and be happy with new partners in front of you while keeping their distance and not paying you much attention?

When you break up with someone, you have to be prepared to accept the fact that they might be out of your life forever. Ex's very rarely remain friends, and those that think it's easily possible have their head up their arse. I broke up with someone and said i wanted to be friends because i thought that's what they wanted to hear but to be honest, I was hoping that she didn't want to simply because I've been dumped before and knew it was futile. We tried being friends but sure enough, I never see her anymore and while I still think she's sound and get along well when we so run into each other we both keep our distance.

On the other hand, I have another ex who can easily do the whole friends thing but I can't so I keep my distance. Same result.

There is no revenge after a break up. If two people aren't compatable than they just aren't and it's nobody's fault. Look at it more carefully, if you are going to be thinking about them and getting upset seeing them with other people then just don't talk to them. Say your goodbyes and leave it at that. Will save you a lot of headaches. And certainly don't let them use "friendship" to rub their new life in your face.

Wibbs

unreggy wrote: »

has now no intention of being friends because that is stupid and would like to teach you a life lesson...

How should they do this? And which would hurt you more?

This is where the whole thing falls flat on its face. It's unhealthy emotionally for the dumpee. Understandable, in the initial emotional panic, but unhealthy. Both the dumper and the dumpee need to process the reasons why it didn't work(and why it worked for a time), for themselves. Dumpers often don't as they've already detached or moved on to someone new. Dumpees often don't as they either blame themselves too much, or the dumper too much, or in this example lash out in some insecure revenge direction.

IMHO, I would, as a dumper, detach completely from the ex. For the foreseeable future. Until such times as the ex has completely moved on. They won't if you're still around. In most cases the "lets be friends" speech is either a way to ease dumper guilt or a selfish need to keep the good bits of the dumpee around without the responsibility. Not good.

As a dumpee I would go along with that from the other side. I don't do downgrades.

Basically for both dumper and dumpee the simple and emotionally healthy answer is let it go, build a better you from the ashes, cherish the good memories and learn from the bad and move on.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

The dumper has done nothing wrong in dumping you if they didnt fancy you any more so there is no 'life lesson' for them to learn.

Theres always a life lesson to be learned, regardless of the reasons behind the split. The thing is you can't teach someone a life lesson. That's a hiding to nothing. They have to learn for themselves if they've the capacity to.

puglover

Don't think either of those options would have any real impact.

TBH I think the being friends thing is just like a consolation prize and the friendship is never real all that important to the dumper, it's just a way for them to not feel so guilty.

As for the second option... they dumped you, they may be a little bit bothered seeing you with someone else at first but that is more of an ego thing..."like how can he/sh like this person already when I was so special to him/her". Ultimately once they get over that initial annoyance they'll be fine.

Personally I would think that the dumpee should just build a bridge and get on with their own lives. If one party doesn't want to be in a relationship it won't work, so move on and find someone who does want to be in a relationship with you.

little lady

The person who was dumped is the one that is going to be the one that ends up hurt no matter what choice is made.

If they decide to leave their ex’s life they will be the ones that miss them and will wonder what the person is up to. The person who did the dumping will probably miss them for a while but it will eventually ware off and they probably won’t give them a second thought.

Most of the time asking someone to be friends after a break-up is usually to soften the blow for the dumpee and ease the guilt of the dumper, most post break-up friendships don’t work although saying this I’m friends with a couple of my ex’s’, it wasn’t easy at the beginning and there were arguments and tears and periods of not talking but if the friendship is truly there then these will all be overcome as feelings for each lessen

Don’t stop being friends with an ex out of spite because it will only hurt you in the end.

Wagon

little lady wrote: »

Don’t stop being friends with an ex out of spite because it will only hurt you in the end.

Other way round. If you get jealous of your ex and still love them don't be friends. It'll only hurt you a lot worse.

LegacyUser

unreggy wrote: »

...HOWEVER, your dumped Ex is very hurt, has a re-think, has now no intention of being friends because that is stupid and would like to teach you a life lesson...

How should they do this? And which would hurt you more?

1. Your now Ex purposely disappears and you never see them again for the rest of your life? Therefore, is disappearing on the person who dumped you, but who wants to be friends, the ultimate revenge? Will you always think about what happened to them?

Or

2. Should the dumpee stick around, grin and bear it, and be happy with new partners in front of you while keeping their distance and not paying you much attention?

The dumpee should get over it and move on with dignity without resorting to silly revenge plots tbh.

Personally - either situation 1 or 2 would be a result - for the dumper.

If my ex disappeared, then well and good, they're getting on with their life. I don't respond to emotional blackmail so I wouldn't be spending sleepless nights worrying about what state they're in. They're responsible for themselves.

If they stuck around and had new partners - again, great - I don't respond to silly making-me-jealous tactics, and I can see that they're getting on with their lives and I don't need to feel guilty. Win-win for the dumper imo.

Being childish and trying to make an ex feel bad for dumping you will only reinforce to them the reasons why they dumped you in the first place. You can't make someone love you and stay with you, just like you can't force them to feel worried/jealous/bad when they've ended it. You could just end up making yourself look like a twat and be even more unhappy in the long run.

If someone has dumped you, and they were genuinely out of order and have really hurt you - the best thing to remember is the old saying "the best revenge is living well." That is - pick yourself up, dust yourself off and have a good life. Be happy, but do it for yourself - don't make it an exercise in revenge. If you're still motivated by a desire to make them feel bad, then they've won. Forget about them and be happy - for yourself.

aoibhebree

Option 1: Dumper will be relieved that it is now a non-issue. This might be a healthier option for you if you go and pursue new career life etc elsewhere.

Option 2: Dumper will be relieved that you are moving on, and they won't feel guilty about doing likewise e.g. introducing you to their new partner. Probably not the best option for you.

The "just friends" thing might work in the future, once you've actually gotten over each other, but until then a clean break is usually best for all parties involved.

The whole "revenge" thing is childish and will hurt no one but yourself - if anything, it'll make your ex even happier to have broken up with you!

Mr. Incognito

I can see why they dumped you. Sorry if that's harsh but really:

If you really think that disappearing off the face of the planet will make a blind bit of difference to someone who just told you they don't care bout you enough to actually keep you around I think you're missing the point.

What's healthy is to look after yourself- not give a toss what they think and eventually you won't care about them anymore and won't have to recruit futile revenge scemes in PI.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Theres always a life lesson to be learned, regardless of the reasons behind the split. The thing is you can't teach someone a life lesson. That's a hiding to nothing. They have to learn for themselves if they've the capacity to.

Im inferring though, from OP's original post that they feel the dumper needs to be 'taught a lesson' (ie; be punished) for dumping them.

beth-lou

Make a clean break and move on.

If you are contemplating either option a or option b then you are in no position to be friends, and revenge is a waste of time, as they dumped you, so they are not going to be that hurt by your disappearance.

Just move on with your life and don't put yourself through the mental torture of dragging out the inevitable. I sense that you would find it very hard to hear about the new squeeze. Better to look after yourself, lick your wounds and let it go.

SarahSassy

OP, I am taking the risk of assuming you were dumped and, on this basis, the only one you are hurting is yourself with your revenge scenarios. Part of life and growing up is hurting through love and its all part of the learning curve.

At the end of the day, our possessions are not hugely important, whats important is the way we treat ourselves and other people. If your ex treated you badly i.e. abused you or two timed you I can understand the reason for your strong reaction but if he / she just fell out of love with you well thats life. Its hard, its happened to me but that is life...

The best thing you can do is move on, have some pride in yourself. Begging, cajoling, threatening, ignoring, flaunting a new parter will not work (and is not fair to the new bf / gf). Move on, take it on the chin and bring good karma into your next relationship.

No guy / girl is worth the lengths you are willing to go to so let it go and get on with life.

Monkey61

Exacting some kind of revenge on someone because they don't fancy you anymore is childish at best. If I dumped someone, I wouldn't be in the least bit offended if they didn't want me in their life anymore - but if somebody dumped me I would probably be offended if they never wanted to see me again.

I do think one can remain friends with exes. I am very good friends with all of mine. Personally I think if I click well enough with someone to want to go out with them in the first place - then I certainly click well enough to want then in my life forever. Time apart however is usually necessary - how long probably depends on the relationship and the circumstances involved in the break up.

After one break up, I became best friends with the girl immediately - it was heartbreaking at times because she moved on first, but it actually was the best break up ever and I ultimately got over her a lot faster than I ever have anyone else. Another break up took three/four years for us to be friends because there was a lot of anger and growing up to do on everybody's part - but we are now really close.

little lady

Wagon wrote: »

Other way round. If you get jealous of your ex and still love them don't be friends. It'll only hurt you a lot worse.

This is true BUT if you can be friends with your ex don't stop just to hurt them in return is what I meant.

The Outlander

Hi OP

My bf broke up with me a while ago. Sure, I was angry but you don't go plotting revenge. It will fly back in your face and is childish.

My Ex and I are planning to be friends and it's working slowy but surely. It's difficult to discover the boundaries.

If you loved this person and they broke up with you because they knew they couldn't give you everything you deserved, accept it and thank them for it. Break ups happen for a reason. That's how I am coming to terms with my situation. I am lucky in that I know my Ex genuinely still cares for me and will value me as a friend so I know he would never do anything to hurt me again.

Concentrate on letting go. It does get easier over time. And you do feel better. :-)

Queencake

You must be still raw from a breakup dear!

Like most people have said - there's no point in seeking "revenge". He/she dumped you because they don't see a future. They were being honest. Would you have preferred if they would have strung you along? You'll meet someone new who will be so amazing and you'll be ten times happier than you were with whoever you just broke up with. I know that I'm glad every relationship I've had, before the one I'm currently in, didn't work (either I was dumper, dumpee or mutural decision maker). Otherwise I wouldn't have started seeing my bf. You just need to look ahead.

Silly games, revenge tactics and plots will all make you bitter. Just move on - hang with friends, make new ones, keep busy and don't dwell.

I've never been proper "friends" as such with any of my exs. But I'm on friendly enough terms with all but one. Tbh the one I don't talk to anymore is the one who was a headwreaker and didn't get that I didn't want to talk for a while after breaking up! So even if you may want to be friends one day the best way is still to cut off contact for a while until you both have moved on.

jellie

Option 3: Let it go.

You shouldnt be basing your life around plans to try hurt him/her. you should be dealing with your own pain & trying to move on. yes its crap & it hurts but obsessing over revenge wont help.

whether it will hurt the ex or not - cut contact. its the only way youll get through it.

saoirse36

I agree with all the advice given here....revenge is only childish and will only prolong your grief and misery.....i'm going thru something similar at the moment....dumped after 4 years together....it was really hard to accept at first (and sometimes still is!!) that someone u were so close to and such great friends with suddenly "just didn't see a future with u" (her exact words)...i think everyone goes thru the anger/revenge phase, but the thing to remember is that if the person dumped u then they must have had a good reason and whatever that reason was u must accept it and move on...looking back now (after 6 months apart) I can see we weren't meant for each other, our lives were diverging, our futures were going in different directions and differences in age/experience were too great. Although we haven't seen each other more than once or twice and have had very little contact over the past six months (due to working in different countries) we are now seeing each other every day (back working together again) and although sometimes awkward and more times still really heart breaking it's just one of those things u have to go through in life....i think i've learned a lot about myself through this experience, alot about life and relationships which i know will stand to me for my next relationship. So in short, when 2 people finish a relationship only one thing should happen imo, no contact unless unavoidable and both parties should move on and learn from the experience....easier said than done, but if u stick to this philosophy and look after yourself u'll be back on track a lot quicker than u'll be if all u can think about is hatching revenge plots!! Get over it Op and get on with your life...it is too short already without wasting it on something that's already gone....water under the bridge ain't never comin' back!!

estar

exes cant be friends for a long long time

LegacyUser

Just move on, get on with your own life. You can waste sooooo much time and mental energy on this. DONT.

Liam Byrne

What's that Carlsberg ad again ? It's not just A or B.......