Attracted to the wrong guys!!

LegacyUser

Hello, I'm not a regular user but sitting here with a friend discussing some advice she got today (Sad Singleton feeling sorry for herself lol ) so said I'd give it a shot. Here goes...

I came out of a 3 year relationship just over a year ago and have been single since. It was a bad break up & the relationship had been bad for about 2 years so understandibly the first 4-5 months I had no interest in men at all.

Then I sort of got myself together and things started looking up for me. I had a bit of a snog with a guy that I'd met & we texted for a bit but I found out a week or so later that he actually had a girlfriend & was in a fairly serious relationship, now I was in no way upset about this, a little annoyed maybe but that was the end of that.

I suppose I haven't really been looking for a man but if somebody came along I would be open to it and I have sort of clicked with a couple of guys. But here is the thing, they have all been in relationships. I have no interest in pursuing these guys and I'm perfectly capable of restraining myself because I certainly wouldn't like to have it done to me. I am worried however that there is a pattern emerging, why am I attracted to them.. Am I just wanting what I can't have or is it some sort of subconcious reaction because I know that it will never go anywhere.

Queencake

I used to be attracted to the "wrong guys" - in my case ones that on some level needed help.

IMO the best thing to do is to wait until a guy comes along (or maybe he's already known to you) who is really sound and decent. He mightn't be your usual type (although as you think yourself you do seem to fancy the bad eggs) but you may be pleasantly surprised.

You just need to focus on what's important in your fella. For you, you need someone who doesn't act all mysterious and private. Take care of your heart (as corny as that sounds) - you only get one.

Otis Driftwood

Did you know they were in realtionships before you "clicked" with them or was it afterwards you found out?
If its the latter then it could be the feast or famine theory.
You've probably heard of it but I will explain anyway.
Basically when someone is in a realtionship/on a love buzz,they apparently give off pheremones(s/p) which attracts the opposite sex.Being in a relationship gives added confidence while out because you know you are heading home with someone and dont have to go through the whole trauma of trying to talk to someone.Also having regular sex comes (no pun intended) out in people.They are more relaxed and generally happier.
Poppycock I hear some people say,well Ive experienced it on more than a few occasions as Im sure lots have.Have been in relationships and have had random females chatting me up,it actually happened 3 times one night in particular yet on nights out while single the only chat that happens is from the barmaids!

LegacyUser

nedtheshed wrote: »

Did you know they were in realtionships before you "clicked" with them or was it afterwards you found out?
If its the latter then it could be the feast or famine theory.
You've probably heard of it but I will explain anyway.
Basically when someone is in a realtionship/on a love buzz,they apparently give off pheremones(s/p) which attracts the opposite sex.Being in a relationship gives added confidence while out because you know you are heading home with someone and dont have to go through the whole trauma of trying to talk to someone.Also having regular sex comes (no pun intended) out in people.They are more relaxed and generally happier.
Poppycock I hear some people say,well Ive experienced it on more than a few occasions as Im sure lots have.Have been in relationships and have had random females chatting me up,it actually happened 3 times one night in particular yet on nights out while single the only chat that happens is from the barmaids!

Some yes, others no... one even tried to kiss me at a party which his wife was also attending, I didn't think much of him after that. The others (theres been 4) seem to be just genuinely nice guys, only pattern seems to be that they are taken. Maybe you're right.

Queen cake thats not corny, it's very nice

LegacyUser

Actually agree with ned a bit and I know a lot of other guys would too. I guess we're more confident and relaxed and less desperate looking when we're in relationships and women tend to go for us more then. It can be pretty annoying! Where were you when we were single? (unless you're the cheating type I suppose) Maybe you should be looking out for the guys with the desperate single look a bit more! Funny but a grain of truth in it.

Overheal

I wonder if the reason you were attracted to the guy who was in a relationship because thats what you were accustom to being around before: A guy in a relationship (with you).

cantdecide

You lot are useless:D

I can see where nedtheshed is coming from. I've always suspected this but as for the pheromone thing- I'm not so sure but I'm not a scientician. Maybe I'd believe the 'your level of at-ease-with-yourself-ness' and therefore confidence is increased by having someone around you who worships you. It's simple human nature. Do you find yourself attracted to confidence? You are giving these guys a confidence boost by showing interest in them which is fuel to the fire they already fancy themselves as being players. It's possible that the players are your type.

Assuming you're around the same age as your mate, I would say to you that you're in the age where you do get to come out and say things like- 'so are you here with your girlfriend?'. NOT subtle but very effective in sorting the wheat from the chaff. Be deliberate- it's your happiness. Only half being open to the idea of another relationship probably isn't helping though.

Like I told your friend, your experiences are still within the realms of simple, good old fashioned bad luck. Though it is possible that having been in what has concluded as a 'bad' relationship, it isn't impossible that there is a little sub-conscious self-sabotage, too. Just keeping it in mind will help you be more objective.

It's also been said here so many times- it's a numbers game. If you are finding it difficult then maybe you're repeating patterns and a change of venue may be on the cards. There are more ways of meeting guys than in pubs and clubs while full of the joys of it.

LegacyUser

Hello All, Sad Singleton here(not so sad today though ) my friend can't get online much in her line of work but I'm sure she'll be checking in this evening & I'm sure she'll be greatful for any insights

She is a little older than me at 35 but I'm not sure if this makes a difference

Dragan

Personally i am putting my money on the fact that you are subconciously taking the "safe" options because you don't really want to get caught up in a relationship right now. Basically you are currently in the shallow end of the pool with no real interest in the diving board.

LegacyUser

Dragan has hit the nail on the head. You need some time to yourself and have some fun. What's the rush? You have your whole life to be married. I am 34 single and enjoying life. Yes I sometimes feel like I would love a man permanently but I have a lot to do in my life before I settle down. Enjoy the snogs and the craic and he will be right there waiting when you are ready. My tuppence worth.
FK

AARRRGH

Do you know if either of your parents were unfaithful?

Mr. Incognito

Do you know if either of your parents were unfaithful?

Are you a psychologist- lets skip the armchair babble.

When you meet an attractive guy, simply ask- are you single somewhere in the conversation. I hate when wome do they whole- so you were on holidays, did you bring anyone with you fishing questions.

Wham- hello, my name is _______. Are you single? Yes- great (insert bull shi*t here)

Wham- hello, my name is _______. Are you single? NO, cool, want a beer. (don't come back)

It's called filtering.

AARRRGH

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Are you a psychologist- lets skip the armchair babble.

I'm not a psychologist, but it's a topic I have an interest in, and so much of our behavior is directly linked to our parents.

Women who chose bad man always have some sort of psychological issue going on, and it's nearly always related to their father or mother.

PS I'm allowed have an opinion too, thanks-very-much.

Karen_*

Every guy I go out with turns out to be the same guy in a different body. So the problem is definately me and who I'm attracted to. I'm working on how it happens but until I have it figured out I'm going to take a piece of advice that Wibbs actually posted on here before. When I'm attracted to someone and they to me I'm going to steer clear of them or at the very least watch out for the usual red flags and pay heed to them. When I'm not really attracted to someone I'm going to take the time to get to know them moreso than I would have before.

I'm going to do these things in the future and give myself and situations more thought. In the meantime I need time out to be alone and enjoy it and learn what makes me happy. I think water seeks its own level definately and there's a reason why I'm always meeting the same bloke. I'm trying to learn from my experiences and when I do finally learn then hopefully my 'teachers' will fade away. Maybe this is what you need to do OP.

SarahSassy

AARRRGH wrote: »

Women who chose bad man always have some sort of psychological issue going on, and it's nearly always related to their father or mother.

Well she is not involved in a pattern of long term relationships with cheating men. She is meeting random men and while she is starting to get to know the, she discovers that they are otherwise involved... This does not mean her Dad cheated on her Mother ....!

OP, I would say a lot of it is where you are meeting the guys. If its pubs / clubs or bars, there is a chance that the guys are seeing other people. Its generally only safe to assume otherwise when you ae introduced to guys through friends etc who know them and know they are single.

Chalk it down to bad luck and dont lose hope. There are decent men out there.

AARRRGH

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well she is not involved in a pattern of long term relationships with cheating men. She is meeting random men and while she is starting to get to know the, she discovers that they are otherwise involved... This does not mean her Dad cheated on her Mother ....!

Sure, but it is quite the coincidence she is continuously picking men in relationships. Maybe she wants to be the other woman, who knows.

As you know, we all react differently to traumas in our lives. People who had abusive fathers sometimes become abusers, and sometimes choose abusers.

We're a weird animal.

SarahSassy

AARRRGH wrote: »

the coincidence she is continuously picking men in relationships.

The way I read it was that she had met 2 (possibly 3) guys who were in the same boat. Hardly 'continuous' and more concidence or even bad luck.

AARRRGH

SarahSassy wrote: »

The way I read it was that she had met 2 (possibly 3) guys who were in the same boat. Hardly 'continuous' and more concidence or even bad luck.

The way I read her post is every guy she meets is in a relationship - she says "they are all in relationships".

But yes, maybe she can clarify. If she's only talking about 2 guys then absolutely it could be coincidence.

LegacyUser

OP's friend here... she is in meetings today so hasn't been online. I have however checked in with her to try clear up a few things.

Her parents are happily married for over 40's years. She hasn't met any of these guys in pubs or clubs, they have been through work(she is a consultant working with a number of different companies so would meet alot of people this way) or through friends. There has been about 5 men that she can think of off hand.

SarahSassy

Did the friends not know that these guys were seeing someone else - weird? I would discount them cos if a friend introduced me to someone I would be assuming they would not be setting me up with someone who was attached..

I am stumped other than that....

This 'substitute' / friend posting on behalf of OP, is a bit weird and offputting to be honest.

LegacyUser

I don't they were set-ups, she was just introduced to them socially & felt there was an attraction.

It would be a bad state of affairs if the only people she ever met were intended to be set-ups...

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

This 'substitute' / friend posting on behalf of OP, is a bit weird and offputting to be honest.

OP's "substitute" here. It's not all that complicated. I got some good advice here yesterday when I posted under Sad Singleton. Discussed it with OP last night & decided she would also post her plight. She can't be online during the day as much as me so I've given her & the thread an update

LegacyUser

Im a guy but I know I hated rejection so always went for the safe option of the girl with the boyfriend so when I had a chat with them I knew subconciously it would go nowhere and I could then blame it on the fact she was taken as opposed to she was single and just didnt fancy me.

Im also believer there is alot of truth to the notion that you get chatted up more when in a relationship. I would literally go a whole year without pulling and once I would get into anything with a girl I would have women coming out of the walls wanting a piece of me. I put it down to the fact I was far more comfortable on nights out and as I was not looking for anyone that I was just naturally more confident and would chat away to women without the fear of making a fool of myself in case i didnt pull. Makes sence, annoying as it is!!