Sleeping with Housemate

LegacyUser

Hi all, would appreciate hearing some thoughts on a matter I cant really discuss with anyone close to me right now.

On Valentine's Day, after an afternoon of conversation and wine, I had sex with my housemate (let's say .. Jane) for the first time. We've lived together, along with my oldest and best friend, for 6 months. We are both single. Jane is new to this country, I am in my late 20's and she is 5 years younger. She is attractive, intelligent and beautiful; there has been an attraction between us for some time, but neither I nor her had previously acted on it, some mild flirting and an occasional hug was as far as it went, until last Saturday.

We had thrown a party for her Birthday, and spent the following day cleaning up before sitting down together in my room for a glass of wine. We talked for hours, drank some more and one thing led to another. The sex was great, felt easy and quite natural. However, after only minutes we were interrupted when our third housemate arrived home with his Gf and a crowd of visitors in tow. We hurriedly dressed and tried to act like nothing had happened. Of course, this plan failed and within minutes my best mate and gf were both aware, along with another of Jane's friends.

Later, when Jane and I talked about what had taken place between us we agreed on a few things:
1. This is madness, not necessarily a bad thing, it's clean and safe as it gets.
2. We should try to keep this private for now, no exceptions!
3. Feelings should not feature where sex is involved.
4. We are physically attracted to each other.

In short, I think we're gonna do this again, it surely feels as if we both want to. Our housemate has just left the country for a few days, hence we'll have the place to ourselves. This presents us with both opportunity and motive.

My questions are:

A. Do I want to begin a sexual relationship with Jane

B. Can two co-habiting people be involved in a sexual relationship without developing feelings for one another?

C. If so, how?

D. What effect could this have on my best friend and third housemate?

togster

Unregistered wrote: »

A. Do I want to begin a sexual relationship with Jane

B. Can two co-habiting people be involved in a sexual relationship without developing feelings for one another?

C. If so, how?

D. What effect could this have on my best friend and third housemate?

A. Thats for you to decide
B. Yes
C. You have to want to keep it that way. It's difficult though
D.As long as it doesn't interfere in your best friends life then it shouldn't be a problem.

Otis Driftwood

A. Do I want to begin a sexual relationship with Jane

I think the answer to that is fairly obvious if you are posting here mate.

B. Can two co-habiting people be involved in a sexual relationship without developing feelings for one another?

Its possible but unlikely that both of you will want to stay as FB's long term.However if ye do,(develop feelings)whats the issue.You said you are attracted to her and she has a great personality and she obviously thinks highly of you so I dont see the problem here.

C. If so, how?

See previous post.

D. What effect could this have on my best friend and third housemate?

Its not really his concern TBH.Unless it is his house or something that may be an obstacle but even then it shouldnt really be.Of course if things go pear shaped it may create a bad atmosphere in the house which from personal experience sucks ass but you and Jane are both adults so I say go with it and see where it leads.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

She is attractive, intelligent and beautiful; there has been an attraction between us for some time

Why does it have to be just a sexual thing?? Sounds like you like this girl alot

Overheal

A. Do you?

BCD:

What?

Which one of you decided there werent going to be feelings involved? Its a hard thing to do. Hell, its a hard thing to coexist with someone you previously had sexual relations with, let alone active relations. Why is the air of secrecy so important? Why rush to get your clothes back on? Were you doing something wrong?

Why should your friend care? Do you care when his GF stays over? Easier to live across the hall from a couple than someone single if you ask me.

Fanny Cradock

Unregistered wrote: »

3. Feelings should not feature where sex is involved.

Good luck with that!

Unregistered wrote: »

B. Can two co-habiting people be involved in a sexual relationship without developing feelings for one another?

As above, I would think that it is unlikely. Why, maybe you or this girl have already begun to develop feelings! As it stands, you are living together and sleeping together, yet apparently have no feelings for each other and have no desire to develop any. This seems like a naive and selfish desire that could lead to conflict.

kevmy

Just a question for the OP. Why do you want to keep it just sexual? If you like the girl and she likes you why not just see where the relationship takes you naturally without putting limits or rules or names to the thing

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

A. Do I want to begin a sexual relationship with Jane

Do you?

B. Can two co-habiting people be involved in a sexual relationship without developing feelings for one another?

Don't see how unless you're a robot.

C. If so, how?

huh?

D. What effect could this have on my best friend and third housemate?

You'd have to ask him that question.

Overheal

Theres nothing wrong with the age gap. Is it because she's new to the country or something, or that she will eventually have to go back? Fcuk that, relation ahoy.

Fanny Cradock

As an aside OP, how would you feel if she brought a guy home tonight? If it is anything other than apathy then you have already developed a type of emotional attachment. As casual as you would like to keep this, I'm of the opinion that life is rarely so simple.

LegacyUser

Hi again, OP here.

Thanks for all of your responses, This is really helping me to think a little clearer.


Nedtheshed: We are renting our house, so ownership issues arent a concern here. I mention my housemate because I'm worried that a 2 +1 atmosphere could potentially develop here, he's my best mate, I love the guy as I would my brother and I care for his feelings too.

Overheal: This encounter was quite unexpected, I think it took us both by surprise. I guess we were experimenting and didn't wish that to become public knowledge. Also, we are both single and have been sexually inactive recently, the question of whether this situation was formed out of some type of frustration is still unanswered.

Kevmy: I think Jane and I are fundamentally different; she is attracted to a lifestyle towards which I have little interest - fast cars, diamonds and bulging wallets to be precise. I've been there, done that and have moved on to focus on what I regard to be more important in life: health and academia amongst other things. Perhaps our slight age-difference is a factor here.

I feel that conflicting desires, interests and needs might spoil any relationship that may develop between Jane and I. However, I realise that emotion has no ruler and I don't want to create a situation where one, both or all of us may be hurt.

Having said all of the above ... she's so incredibly beautiful that every time I see her I wanna strip her naked and make her sweat. Oh Lord.

NextSteps

Why not jump into it with both feet - feelings and sex and all - and see where you land?

beth-lou

Sounds to me like you're over thinking this one.
Just go with it and enjoy it.
You've already overstepped the mark, and I would say it would be impossible to have a sexual relationship with her without emotion getting in the way. Not when you live with her and share every day with her.

But go for it. It sounds good so far.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I mention my housemate because I'm worried that a 2 +1 atmosphere could potentially develop here, he's my best mate, I love the guy as I would my brother and I care for his feelings too.

Then you should be discussing this with him, because unless he's deaf, dumb and blind, he is going to notice something is up.

I think Jane and I are fundamentally different; she is attracted to a lifestyle towards which I have little interest - fast cars, diamonds and bulging wallets to be precise. I've been there, done that and have moved on to focus on what I regard to be more important in life: health and academia amongst other things. Perhaps our slight age-difference is a factor here.

Age has nothing to do with it. However, her shallow needs will most likely finish the relationship at some stage.
As I said earlier, unless you are a robot, you will develope feelings towards her, are you prepared for that?

Having said all of the above ... she's so incredibly beautiful that every time I see her I wanna strip her naked and make her sweat. Oh Lord.

Then go for it and let the chips fall where the may.

elvis2002

sounds great to me.

Where is Jane from ?

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi again, OP here.

Thanks for all of your responses, This is really helping me to think a little clearer.


Nedtheshed: We are renting our house, so ownership issues arent a concern here. I mention my housemate because I'm worried that a 2 +1 atmosphere could potentially develop here, he's my best mate, I love the guy as I would my brother and I care for his feelings too.

Like I alluded to I lived in a setup like that. There was a Couple and 1 other single guy. I had managed to have friendships with the boyfriend and the girlfriend. True, sometimes you're treating them like a couple (thats when I used their hybrid nickname: Smitchell) but for the most part nothing is stopping you from being friends seperately with either of them.

Overheal: This encounter was quite unexpected, I think it took us both by surprise. I guess we were experimenting and didn't wish that to become public knowledge. Also, we are both single and have been sexually inactive recently, the question of whether this situation was formed out of some type of frustration is still unanswered.

Chandler? Monica?
Xtravision. Season 5 with you.

Kevmy: I think Jane and I are fundamentally different; she is attracted to a lifestyle towards which I have little interest - fast cars, diamonds and bulging wallets to be precise. I've been there, done that and have moved on to focus on what I regard to be more important in life: health and academia amongst other things. Perhaps our slight age-difference is a factor here.

Oppossites attract. Fun and Sensible. Chocolate and Vanilla. Cream Cheese and Peanut Butter.

I feel that conflicting desires, interests and needs might spoil any relationship that may develop between Jane and I. However, I realise that emotion has no ruler and I don't want to create a situation where one, both or all of us may be hurt.

Having said all of the above ... she's so incredibly beautiful that every time I see her I wanna strip her naked and make her sweat. Oh Lord.

Sounds like the start of something good if you ask humble me (humble because, I'm awesome). So you're not sure what it is yet, if its just sexual frustration or not. Thats perfectly fine and normal! Go with it. Experiment! Take chances! Make mistakes! And above all, get mmmmessy.

MIN2511

Beruthiel wrote: »

Then you should be discussing this with him, because unless he's deaf, dumb and blind, he is going to notice something is up.



Age has nothing to do with it. However, her shallow needs will most likely finish the relationship at some stage.
As I said earlier, unless you are a robot, you will develope feelings towards her, are you prepared for that?



Then go for it and let the chips fall where the may.

I don't see how her shallow needs will finish the relationship. Both are adults, if she's shallow and he can't handle it he should not get involved... He knows she's shallow yet he still finds her attractive


OP, it seems like you are involved with this girl sexually rather than emotionally. I don't see this developing into a relationship because of different interests.

It seems what you want is a Friend With Benefit situation, and you cannot sh!t on your own doorstep!

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

My questions are:

A. Do I want to begin a sexual relationship with Jane

B. Can two co-habiting people be involved in a sexual relationship without developing feelings for one another?

C. If so, how?

D. What effect could this have on my best friend and third housemate?

I've been there and done that... four times.

To answer your questions:

A. In my experience, the sexual relationship will turn into a relationship, mainly because you are spending so much time together. Either that or it'll go a bit weird. I ended up in a relationship with two of the flatmates. The other two... I only slept with them once, but they couldn't handle it and went a bit crazy.

B. I don't believe so, but it depends on the people.

C. One of the people involved is emotionally distant or emotionally immature...? I'm not sure. Personally I think it isn't really possible.

D. No idea. I know in my experience people thought it was cute.

My advice to you is if you don't want to start a relationship, don't have sex with the person again. You need to have a big talk about it to make sure you are both on the same wave length. Otherwise be prepared for drama and possibly having to move out.

*Honey*

I say you're over thinking this one... sounds like you've got a good thing going with her, and sounds like she's just as happy about it as you. Life is too short to question such things... do what feels good and be happy!

MagicMarker

Live in fúck buddies?

Sounds like dumbest idea ever tbh.

Ickle Magoo

In theory it sounds great...sex on tap at arms length but I think the likelihood of things going spectacularly wrong & awkward & horrible are far greater than you both managing to remain unattached & emotionless for any length of time, especially if (when) one of gets fed up with the status quo & wants it to end or wants to have another partner & you have to live with it, literally.

Gyalist

MagicMarker wrote: »

Live in fúck buddies?

Sounds like dumbest idea ever tbh.

Never a good idea to shit where you eat. You've broken all the rules. Looks like you've accidentally acquired a live-in girlfriend. Just hope that she feels the same way about the situation as you do.

gaeilgegrinds

Don't overanalyise this one, go for it and see!

fugazied

"It's better to regret something you did rather than something you didn't do" - Anthony Keidis, Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

I slept with a housemate once, my only regret was that I didn't do it another 20 times before we all moved out.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here again.

Once more, thanks so much for all of your responses to my questions yesterday. Some were funny, some confusing and all were helpful.
I will post more later in the morning, but for now here's a quick update:
No sleep til 6am; sweaty, breathless and exhausted. She's just gone to work and I have a grin the size of Leitrim plastered to my face.

Partizan

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all, OP here again.

Once more, thanks so much for all of your responses to my questions yesterday. Some were funny, some confusing and all were helpful.
I will post more later in the morning, but for now here's a quick update:
No sleep til 6am; sweaty, breathless and exhausted. She's just gone to work and I have a grin the size of Leitrim plastered to my face.

Where is she from OP?

AARRRGH

fugazied wrote: »

"It's better to regret something you did rather than something you didn't do" - Anthony Keidis, Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

I really don't think Anthony Keidis should get the kudos for that one!

themadchef

My initial reaction is to say no because you live together.

But, you're both adults. You've discussed it like adults, both of you are single and there is sexual chemistry. I get that there is no relationship potential. As you're living together, how exactly will this not become a relationship though?

The problem is, lets say she meets someone tonight in a bar and takes him back to the house..you're lying there listening to all those noises you made with her and don't tell me you're not going to be jealous. What then?

It's going to cause problems in the house. It's a FB situation, and they are usually "shag and leave" situations. How on earth do you plan to keep it sex only when you're living with her. Feelings are going to get hurt somewhere along the line, and what feels great now may equally feel just awful 2 weeks/2 months down the road. Is it really worth it?

Dave!

Sounds like an excellent situation tbh Just enjoy it mate, you don't have to analyse it so much! Sounds like you are both just interested in sex, which is fine. Nice healthy sex buddy relationship IMO!

LegacyUser

A. Do I want to begin a sexual relationship with Jane
YES

B. Can two co-habiting people be involved in a sexual relationship without developing feelings for one another?
DEFINE "FEELINGS"... ATTRACTION + FRIENDSHIP + NOOKIE USUALLY = RELATIONSHIP BUT DOESN'T HAVE TO.

C. If so, how?
BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. SET BOUNDARIES. KEY QUESTION: WHAT IF SHE BRINGS SOMEONE HOME? WHAT IF YOU DO?

D. What effect could this have on my best friend and third housemate?
NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.



Above is speaking from very similar experience. Worked grand for us. Best of luck.

Mr. Incognito

Hi all, OP here again.

Once more, thanks so much for all of your responses to my questions yesterday. Some were funny, some confusing and all were helpful.
I will post more later in the morning, but for now here's a quick update:
No sleep til 6am; sweaty, breathless and exhausted. She's just gone to work and I have a grin the size of Leitrim plastered to my face.

That's great -when it all goes tits up you can have a relationship Just like the actual Leitrim, a dirty mess.

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all, OP here again.

Once more, thanks so much for all of your responses to my questions yesterday. Some were funny, some confusing and all were helpful.
I will post more later in the morning, but for now here's a quick update:
No sleep til 6am; sweaty, breathless and exhausted. She's just gone to work and I have a grin the size of Leitrim plastered to my face.

gg

Up de Barrs

From my experience while it seems like a great idea at the time it can lead to a lot of complications. I was sharing an apartment with a mate of mine and we rented out the other room to this girl (we'll call her Cathy). My pal Dave had a girlfriend and wasn't around much so it often ended up being just me and Cathy in the place together. We ended up hooking up one night after a couple of glasses of wine. The sex was amazing and we both agreed it could be a casual thing that we would do when it suited us both. The mistake we made was not saying it to Dave, when he did find out he didnt take it well - acted like we were making him a stranger in his own gaff - which wasn't the case. In the end Cathy moved - we were never thinking of a serious relationship. I dont regret it but could definitely have handled it better.

knuck

MagicMarker wrote: »

Live in fúck buddies?

Sounds like dumbest idea ever tbh.

the man speaks some truth!

but then again... i'd say go for it! and keep an open mind about how it might all develop. you ain't hurting anyone. life's too short.