First long term relationship...is all of this 'normal'?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my boyfriend. I love almost everything about him. He always tells me he loves me etc. He is really great. He is also incredibly laid back, which I liked at the beginning of our relationship (over a year ago), but it annoys me as he has a tendency to seem to never get around to doing really important things. I'm the sort of person who 'gets stuff done' if it needs to be done. He'll drag it out as long as possible.

I don't want to go into specifics here in case he reads this. But he has let me down a couple of times because of his laid back attitude. Once was a big let down and another time, such as the following, was minor. We're in a long distance relationship and I asked him if he would like me to visit him for my birthday. He was all up for it (and by the time my birthday came around it was about a month since we saw each other). He never booked work off! So I spent the day in a place where I don't really know anyone. Mainly on my own in his room. I kept thinking 'I want to be somewhere else right now'. Surely that's not right if I really loved him. He almost walked out with his keys, before I stopped him. If he had gone, it would have meant I'd have been stuck in the house for 6-8 hours with no food. It's just so careless!.

And I'm fairly sure his mother hates me. Because I'm doing a post grad, she's been quite condescending towards me when my boyfriend isn't around... making me feel bad for not being able to have a full time job at the same time.

On top of all of this, I experienced being attracted to another guy. It took me by surprise, as usually if I'm going out with someone, I'll be so into them that no one else will make my head turn. This guy liked me too. Luckily nothing happened.

So here I am on valentines day reminiscing over my boyfriend and my relationship. He's working again. He says he loves me. I thought I loved him and usually feel it when I'm around him, but on a bigger picture, I can't expect someone to change their laid back ways (which usually are a good thing)...I think if we've a future together, I'll end up being let down and if I ever want anything done I'll have to do it myself.

I've never been in a relationship as long as this one before, so I'm not sure if all this stuff is just 'normal' or should I be questioning the relationship far more. I just wish so much he was more romantic and got up off his backside to get really important stuff done. He is an amazing person, i just don't know if I can spend years with someone who isn't more pro active.

Has anyone any advice on what I should do?

Thanks

D

Kinetic^

wondering11 wrote: »

Has anyone any advice on what I should do?

Speak to him about what you wrote above. Except the attractive other guy, that won't go down well. If you're not happy with his response then leave him. It could be a case that he's completely oblivious and if you don't tell someone your needs, how are they supposed to know??

Pherekydes

It's possible you're confusing sheer laziness with his laid back attitude. People who know me would think I'm very laid back, but I know myself I'm a lazy git. As mentioned above, maybe talk to him about it; he shouldn't be letting you down repeatedly, that's not fair. But you don't want to spend the rest of your life (or the forseeable future) nagging him. That's not fair [on you] either.

P.S. Don't be worrying what his mother thinks of you.

Motley Crue

wondering11 wrote: »

but it annoys me as he has a tendency to seem to never get around to doing really important things. I'm the sort of person who 'gets stuff done' if it needs to be done. He'll drag it out as long as possible.

you are a go getter and he wants to kick back. sometimes opposites attract

wondering11 wrote: »

And I'm fairly sure his mother hates me. Because I'm doing a post grad, she's been quite condescending towards me when my boyfriend isn't around... making me feel bad for not being able to have a full time job at the same time.

every girlfriend thinks the mother hates them....but if you are doing a post grad then its just her narrow mind that believes you have the time to work as well

wondering11 wrote: »

On top of all of this, I experienced being attracted to another guy. It took me by surprise, as usually if I'm going out with someone, I'll be so into them that no one else will make my head turn. This guy liked me too. Luckily nothing happened.

this is bad. dont let this happen unless u dont want to be with him. but tell him first.

wondering11 wrote: »

So here I am on valentines day reminiscing over my boyfriend and my relationship. He's working again.

he should have taken the day off work

wondering11 wrote: »

He is an amazing person, i just don't know if I can spend years with someone who isn't more pro active.

then make a decision before dragging out the pain any longer

wondering11 wrote: »

Has anyone any advice on what I should do

make your decision

SarahSassy

It doesnt really matter if this is 'normal', it matters that his behaviour has upset you and is not agreeing with you.

Some people treat their partner like this and some dont. I personally would not want to be in a relationship where I could not rely on my OH to follow through but you may be able to live with it.

The fact that you are asking means you are not happy with it....

Him working on Valentines Day means noting. Its a Hallmark generated day and its more important how he treats you for the rest of the year.

MadelineNYC

Is the mother less educated than you? If so that can sometimes create tension. I've had situations on both extremes. One guy I dated had a mother who was a world-known PhD scientist. She was annoyed that he was dating someone who was not the same. Another old BF had a mother who left school when she was around 14. She was very touchy about me being a university graduate and was always ready to jump on me when she thought I was "snobby about my book learning." I think I am far from being an intellectual snob, but it was a very sensitive area for her.

If your BFs mother is like the second scenario, I would advise you to tread lightly. You'll never win. Avoid talking too much about your studies around her. When she's yapping about you not having a job, just let it go in one ear and out the other. I find that with mothers of BFs or mother-in-laws it's easier to just let them have their way about the small stuff.

acid.rain

seems / sounds like your boyfriend procrastinates alot. if you can get along with this faulty side of him, then you've got a lot of patience. i think communication is the key here. good luck with that. you can't change people unless they change for themselves

Annie Bananie

Kinetic^ wrote: »

Speak to him about what you wrote above. Except the attractive other guy, that won't go down well. If you're not happy with his response then leave him. It could be a case that he's completely oblivious and if you don't tell someone your needs, how are they supposed to know??

/agree

cltt97

To be honest, the fact that you were looking at another guy suggests that you don't FEEL loved, and who can blame you. The guy may or may not love you, but most importantly he doesn't love you the way you want to be loved. Guys hardly ever change, especially in the romance/attention department. You should sit down and seriously evaluate whether you two are a good match.

puglover

wondering11 wrote: »

On top of all of this, I experienced being attracted to another guy. It took me by surprise, as usually if I'm going out with someone, I'll be so into them that no one else will make my head turn. This guy liked me too. Luckily nothing happened.

Completely normal... you don't stop noticing the opposite sex just because you are in a relationship. Being committed means that you don't act on those feelings.


You don't need to analyse it all so much, the fact that you are questioning if you want to be in this relationship makes me think that you shouldn't be.