How do you start over?!

LegacyUser

Thanks in advance for anyone who posts, i appreciate it. Iv realised recently that there is a central issue in my life holding me back and Im just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience to this and if they have managed to overcome it and how?? or any other insights or advice.. thanks

Basically i was a painfully shy and awkward child....i had zero confidence or self esteem and needless to say made very few friends throughout my school years. i was even bullied for a time which did nothing for my already rock bottom confidence. In later years in school i did start to come out of my shell a bit...i got with a girl who did wonders for my confidence but by then( 5th and 6th year) it was too late...i was in an all boys school and it was almost impossible to break out of the image people had of me as quiet and well...weird!

Along with this shyness came all the usual distorted perspectives of things as well as a huge superiority complex that i used to cope with being alienated from my year. I remember vividly sitting at my graduation realising the guys around me werent immature or stupid and that i was the stupid one for not getting to know them.I regret so much leaving school without the close friends most people make from their schooldays.

So fast forward and im now in first year college and am a totally different person. Im FAR more confident and outgoing...not the life and soul of the party quite yet! but enough that a new college friend described me recently as "chatty, funny and friendly"...which really shocked me and and made me think how far iv come from the boy who would mumble incoherently to the question "how are you?" !! but my problem is that my past isnt gone...because of it i still only have a small circle of friends..i see people around me in college with big circles of friends built up over the years which i dont have.

also i find myself hiding details from new friends and people i meet incase they happen to talk to someone from my old school and mention they know me. anytime i see people from school i feel horrible as im reminded of that whole period. i want more then anything to just bury that chapter and move on. should i just throw myself in to college and make a whole new set of friends there?! but i find that in everything my past haunts me...dublin is a village and everyone goes by who you know and (at least at the moment) where did u go to school??

more then anything i feel as though im missing out on the best years of my life..other people have lots of different friends and are constantly going out..hanging out with people in apartments and halls(im in trinity) and i feel really left out of all this. I learnt alot of things like common sense and social skills alot later then most...through lack of friendship etc when i was younger i had to learn the hard way things most people take for granted as facts of life! i now realise that relationships define our lives and are the most important thing by far...so i want more then anything to start over and rectify the mistakes i made and build a group of friends from scratch i can enjoy life and college with...

tbh

just give it time and continue to build up momentum. You are not the person you want to be just yet, by the sounds of things, but you are well on the way, so just keep doing what you are doing and be patient.

The person you were in school is only preying on your mind because it was such a big deal - for you! people in college aren't going to care what you used to be like, it's what you're like now that counts. How many times have you heard someone say to a group of people "oh my god, I was such a <geek/dick/loner/weirdo> in school!" and they all laugh about it. Nobody exactly covers themselves in glory during the teenage years, so everyone will have their own things they hope people don't find out about.

oh and by the way - you only end up in school with people because your parents all bought houses in the same area. You'll find you have far more in common with random strangers in college, so that's why you're finding it easier to make friends. Plus I'm sure you're a sound guy as well, just relax

McCABE1

Hey
Stop beating yourself up just because you dont have many different sets of friends from different areas or times in your life. In all honesty I cant really see a problem here, you're in college now and well liked and obviously have made friends there, it may be a small circle but so what !! It will only increase as you get to meet new people.
Its not how many friends you have but the nature of the friendships that matter. If my opinion if you have 2 good friends that you can totally depend on its so much better than 20 casual friends.
If you were completely alone and alienated from everyone I would feel very bad for you but you're hung up on the fact that you "think" you should have a huge circle of friends and that your small circle isnt enough. There are plenty of people that post here that have none, so your problem is small in comparison. Trust me, if the small circle you do have are decent then they wont give a sh*t if you never had a single friend in your life. Relax and enjoy the friendships you have now made and build on making them great !!

LegacyUser

New friend meets old classmate and says you are their friend from college. School friend wouldn't dare say they didn't like you, you were weird etc firstly because its childish inappropriate and rude and they are probably a bit more mature now, and secondly because they could get a smack on the mouth from new friend! I wouldn't worry about this point at all

LegacyUser

This too will pass, hope you dont mind me saying so but you do sound quite self absorbed which is a quality people dont find amazingly attractive!

Tone that down (its part and parcel of being young and sensitive) and try to stop overanalysing yourself and things will fall into place!

You dont need to micromanage your image so much, people are not that interested. Even if someone does say "yeh i remember him, used to be a weirdo/stuck up" blah blah etc so what

Its what you are now that matters, dont be getting so hung up on your image, relax and enjoy yourself, take an interest in others and have fun! Stop fretting!

kevmy

First off well done on realising that you're shyness held you back from enjoying life and that you needed to take action. It's not easy for someone who's naturally shy to put themselves out there. You're lucky in a sense that you realised this as you went to college which is an obvious start over point in most people's lives

I wouldn't worry overly about not having too many friends from school. I can safely say all my best friends would be people I met in college through my course or while living with them. Most of the guys I was friends with in school I drifted away from due to different lifestyles.

So most people in college by 2nd/3rd yr will hang out with people from college and most will be different people to some extent than they were in school thats natural.

Don't worry about it is my advice. You made big strides, just relax, enjoy yourself, hang out with your new mates and you'll find the you'll make more easily enough.

Monkey61

As people have said you are well on your way to becoming who you want to be. If somebody is describing you as chatty, friendly and funny - well done, because you are obviously doing very well.

The main thing is to stop worrying about school! Everyone is different in school to college and nobody is going to judge you on what you were like years ago - I bet nobody even remembers. I knew a guy in college who had the most awful time in school. He was bullied to within an inch of his life, had absolutely no friends and was so disturbed by it that he refused to ever bring any new college friends to hang out in the town he grew up in. Despite this, he went to college with a plan to get his life on track and by his third year he ended up being the ultimate Mr. Popularity (but in a really nice way) and was practically running the college after he got elected to a major student union position. He was horribly shy because of his past, but forced himself to get out there and meet people and become involved in loads of college stuff. He ended up in an absolute dream job as well because of his sparkling personality.

You have time to keep turning it around, you are only in 1st year. If you want to make more friends then spend loads of time with your existing ones and meet their friends. Don't turn down offers of nights out. Say yes to everything and just keep being friendly. Do your best not to be closed off to questions though as one of the most attractive qualities in a person is openness. After all the easiest way to form close bonds with people is to share stories and experiences. So what if you had a **** time in school - there's no harm in telling people that. Nobody is going to judge you and if anything it is going to make you seem even more interesting, because you haven't always had it easy, you have struggled and you have a past - it's stuff like that that adds to character, not takes it away!

Well done for coming so far though. You should be really proud of what you have achieved (cheesy as that may sound)

girl2

I remember one time hearing that the best life-long friends are made at college.

I have to say that all the girls I went to school with are no longer friends at all. Yesterday I met a girl who was in my class, who I sat beside and who I got the same bus as me, and it was only a "hello".

I think that you should embrace this time you have at college and enjoy it. You will meet loads of people who will eventually become friends or aquaintances in years to come.

And this is only the beginning. You will then have the friends and colleagues that you meet when you start another part of your life - your working life.

You have clearly come on in leaps and bounds - and well done for that! Its only going to get better.

THere's been some really good advice given here already. Im just giving my tuppance worth.

GOod luck!

phishcakes

I think your being really hard on yourself....just talk to your new friends about it and if they are real friends they'll be supportive.

Motley Crue

Unregistered wrote: »

I regret so much leaving school without the close friends most people make from their schooldays...

I left school without that. No shame. I wasnt lucky enough to meet a girl in Secondary School so I ended school shy and reserved...I just got on with life, and had my "deflowering" in college....and I did my fair share of gardening if you know what I mean

MonsieurD

phishcakes is right.

Also, all of your first year classmates are going thru' a range of "adjustment to 3rd level" problems - personal and academic.

Reading your post makes me think that you are in control. Yes, this is a new beginning . Go for it. And best of luck!

PS I have finished college some years ago. I recently saw an old school colleague on telly who was as quiet as a mouse back in school. He is now an editor of a major newspaper - that needs balls!.

LegacyUser

hey guys OP here..

Thanks so much for all your replies...they made so much sense to me and i can see things a lot clearer now! i realise im being too hard on myself...90% of the time im relaxed and easygoing and dont worry about this ...its just sometimes if i have a rough week i get down about it and pick myself apart and over analyse things to a ridiculous extent!! and its generally always about this! but i know this and am working on it. im going to put it all behind me and just move on and try forgot about school...while it may have made things hard for me its also taught me an awful lot! i mean even just how i often find myself sticking up for someone when others write them off as quiet or boring...and i guess that can only be a good thing! silver lining to every cloud and all that..!

so yeah thanks again guys..you gave me some really good advice and im definetly going to take it on board! just going to throw myself in to college and branch out as best i can! and btw the stories of people who have overcome shyness really encouraged me! i was beggining to think it was impossible!

g5fd6ow0hseima

Was never the most popular in school to be honest, had a few good friends complete with the few fallings out here and there, over ****ty stuff etc.

However, when I came to college last year I drifted away from them to the extent where I find it hard to relate to them when I meet them out in a pub at the weekend the odd time I decide to travel home. The problem originally arising when I decided to stop travelling home at the weekends, a time which they liked to catch up with each other and discuss the weeks drinking. I was quickly realising that I really didnt have a whole pile in common with them all those years, although still had the craic etc. Ive found a new base of friends, through sport and the halls I live in last year. I have little in connection with the town I grew up in, only that my home is still there. That is despite the fact that I only left there in September 2007. I would like to say that I found it easy to move on from my years back home, despite the fact that its in my nature to think too much and over-analyse things as it is.

At the same time, disregarding the whole friend thing of the past, it is important to remain as yourself. From what I understand of it, you seem to be fairly geared towards making yourself more outgoing and lively. If its not in your nature, dont force it. People will accept you for what you are. Not many do in my case, but I would rather that than be out there in the popular domain, liked by everyone etc. Dont rush into anything, dont feel the need to impress. And by the way, your not missing out on much regarding socialising, its terribly repititive after a few months, same people, same niteclubs, even the same music over and over. Dont be let down by seeing groups of drunken youngsters headin off to the bustop into Bondi or wherever.

I believe like-minded people attract like-minded people. Youll see that soon enough

r3nu4l

Throw yourself into college mate Like you, I was not the least popular but also, not the most popular at school, I had a couple of friends but no massive circle of friends. In my first year in Uni, I made no friends and failed the year, I was a total loser and couldn't have felt lower if I had tried to!!

Then in my second year in Uni (repeating first year!) I decided once and for all to end the bullsh1t, break completely with the past and just get on with making friends. I made loads of friends, became far more confident and ultimately was very popular and all of a sudden, I had people who wanted to be seen to know me! That was a weird change form school

Then one evening I was waiting on some friends of mine to arrive in the Foxhunter pub in Lucan, they were late due to missing a bus and I ended up sitting on my own at a table in the pub for 30 mins. I was looking around and saw a guy I went to school with looking pityingly at me, he was waiting on a friend but obviously though I was still a 'loner'. I grabbed my pint, walked to his table, said hello and sat down and had a chat. We got on great! This was one of the uber-cool guys from school and I was talking to him as an equal!! Ten minutes into our conversation he said to me 'Man, you've changed, you're totally casual now, not so serious! That's cool'. I just laughed and said 'I'm no different now to the person I was in school, I just didn't know how to express myself back then'. That was it! I'm still grateful to him for saying it but even if he had said nothing I knew I was far more expressive than I had been, I didn't need his approval anymore.

These days I laugh about school and the so-called 'cool' people at the time, I see kids these days who are obviously 'cool' in school and all I see are gawky, awkward teenagers Poor kids! Don't worry about school, it's all in the past and as you grow as a person some of those so-called cool people will seem less and less important to you, insignificant in fact. Others of the 'cool' people, you will realise were just kids who had a bit more confidence than you

You'll be alright if you just engage with your life right now and forget about the past