First night mistake?

LegacyUser

Im a bit confused here, once again, at the way a woman’s mind works. I’ve been mulling this over all week and would appreciate some opinions on this particular little scenario.

I took the plunge eventually and set up a profile on a well known dating site and after a while I contacted this girl on the site. At this stage I wasn’t holding out much faith that she would return contact as she is very good looking but lo she did and we hit it off straight away. I don’t think I’ve ever chatted to a more honest and “good” person in all the time that I’ve been on the site awhile and pathetic as it sounds I was in love with her before I even met her. I’m no young fool either. I’m 37 so I know my mind well enough and would prefer to think I’m not completely stupid. (When you finish reading this, you may well disagree )

All going good and we are flying along towards meeting. That’s when the problems start. She starts backing off and generally making excuses and acting a bit oddly if Im honest. It was like she was completely consumes by nerves all of a sudden when it came to real life meeting.

Well, eventually, we did meet up. Very casual and nothing heavy. Just drinks and no nasty surprises. She’s as gorgeous as the photo; in fact it doesn’t do her justice. She’s curvy, the way I like my women and just generally perfect. And we got on like a house on fire.

Heres the problem now. We got very drunk and slept together and now I think she is avoiding me. She hasn’t been on chat all week and hasn’t been near the website, not that Ive been using it whilst talking to her. I got the impression that she was delighted to meet me too and now its like she’s scared to meet again. Before anyone says anything, regarding the sleeping together, we are both adults and it was totally consensual but I think she may feel like a bit of a slut for hopping into bed on the first night. But she was great and I don’t judge our actions to be anything other than the culmination of a pre-existing relationship of getting to know each other in chat. So no disrespect please.

I’m a bit at a loss as to what to do next I suppose. I don’t want to not see her again as I really believe we have something special brewing, but how do I get her to agree to see me without seeming like a stalker? I know she had a bad experience with one guy and I don’t want her to feel that contacting her would be the beginning of another experience like that. I am convinced that it was the last guy who put her off and also that we slept together too early for her liking and is now embarrassed. She’s avoiding me but not from lack of liking me but from having given herself away I think. Her take on it not mine. If I could have taken an ad out in the paper the next day I would have.

Do I sound like a stalker? Is it wrong to like her and pursue her? I believe we should seize the chance and go for it. I’m not going to sit back and moan about my singledom when I have met the ideal woman and I’m not prepared to let her go without some show of extraordinary effort.

So guys, any suggestions? Ladies? Both sides opinions appreciated greatly.

LegacyUser

Lady here!

Hmm, well it could be either:
She thinks you are going to avoid her and ignore her (lots of men do this if you sleep with them, they think you want a relationship when you just wanted a roll in the hay!!!) so she is getting in there first and ignoring and rejecting you to save her dignity.

Or
She liked you but the sex was not good for her or something about you in RL put her off. More than likely (you said you felt in love before you even met) you came accross too full on and scared her off.

At the moment reading between the lines I sense you might have scared her off. Did you behave as though you were already in a relationship with her, if so well then 99% guaranteed you did put her off.

Ive had that experience a few times and its very disconcerting and smothering if someone presumes its a relationship on the first date.

Maybe send her a nice short message saying something like "Hey, I really enjoyed the other night, I would like to see you again, let me know" -something short and sweet like that, if she doesn't answer leave her alone and move on.

Wagon

Well, I'm not completely certain what you could do other than waiting to see if she comes back online. Chances are, her computer could be broken and she hasn't had a chance to fix it or is busy working. Did you get her phone number? If so give her a call rather than a text.

Wibbs

Maybe on the night she needed attention, both emotional, intellectual and sexual. Throw in drink, which will drop her inhibitions and you end up in bed together. In the cold light of day, she may well feel a bit "slutty" for all sorts of reasons. She probably enjoyed it, but maybe got cold feet emotionally. So she can blame the gargle on the episode.

It's all very well establishing a relationship online, but it's largely a false one. She may have just not gelled with you on the night, face to face. Or she let down some of her guard online and feels uncomfortable. Or she spotted you being too full on too quickly. generally not an attractive trait in a man for a lot of women. they're right too. Someone who jumps too quickly emotionally, can come across as needy, or is more likely to jump out of love just as quickly. In genera women respond best to emotional consistency in men and appearing to go overboard can put them off. Goes for relationships too. Or she simply just wanted a one nighter. You don't know. We don't know. Hell she may not know.

My advice? I'd say back right off. Move on and let her come to you if that's what she wants. She knows where you are and how to contact you. Trust me if she wanted you enough, she would contact. The more you push, the more she will pull away. Don't get stuck on her exclusively until such times as you get a return. One date and apres date lurve doesn't cut it IMHO. That goes for anyone you may be interested in. Build a connection based on a mutual attraction and reality, don't imagine one too early.

HouseHippo

Wow I think I know who you are......
If the girl you are talking about lives in shared housing...our internet is down!

cantdecide

I presume you have her number. If i were you, I'd send her a text saying that maybe you regret jumping straight into bed because it probably jeopardized your chances for relationship and essentially, the ball is in her court, declaring that you really like her...

Texts are great IMO- no direct pressure for a response and enough space to compose yourself but also personal enough to get your point across.

Wibbs

OK IMHO maybe text like cantdecide suggests, but, I would not in a million years mention the sex part. Danger will robinson!! If she does have an issue it'll just make it worse by you commenting, if she doesn't it may create one. Baaaaad plan.

HouseHippo

Wibbs wrote: »

OK IMHO maybe text like cantdecide suggests, but, I would not in a million years mention the sex part. Danger will robinson!! If she does have an issue it'll just make it worse by you commenting, if she doesn't it may create one. Baaaaad plan.

She will think that you think she is a slut.....best not to metion it

Millie

Wibbs wrote: »

OK IMHO maybe text like cantdecide suggests, but, I would not in a million years mention the sex part. Danger will robinson!! If she does have an issue it'll just make it worse by you commenting, if she doesn't it may create one. Baaaaad plan.

Fully agreed....do not mention having slept together.

But defo text her...
As already said something like "Really enjoyed the last night & would love to take you out again".
Ball is then firmly in her court.

Dragan

Wibbs wrote: »

OK IMHO maybe text like cantdecide suggests, but, I would not in a million years mention the sex part. Danger will robinson!! If she does have an issue it'll just make it worse by you commenting, if she doesn't it may create one. Baaaaad plan.

Mention the sex? That dog won't hunt monsenier!

Better to just let her make contact when she can, or when she wants to. Chasing her may be a bad idea.

cantdecide

Wibbs wrote: »

OK IMHO maybe text like cantdecide suggests, but, I would not in a million years mention the sex part. Danger will robinson!! If she does have an issue it'll just make it worse by you commenting, if she doesn't it may create one. Baaaaad plan.

I think it's possible that she may feel that he's just after another ride?? What I mean is there has to be a tactful way of getting it across that he doesn't see her as an easy source of sex?? I'll follow the mob on this one though:)

John Mason

Oh for god sake

just phone her "hi, how are you etc. , had a great night would love to meet again but may be this time with out all the alcohol

seriously, how difficult is it to phone some one

Do not text her, they are rude and impersonal

Wibbs

cantdecide wrote: »

What I mean is there has to be a tactful way of getting it across that he doesn't see her as an easy source of sex??

There is. Not mentioning it and not drawing attention to it.

Millie

But a phone call could be too hard for her to deal with right now whereas a text allows her room to compose herself.
I know that I'd prefer a text.

Craft25

Phone call first, if she doesn't answer send a simple text.

Who even thought of mentioning the sex.. what is he 'The Todd' from scrubs?

If she doesn't come back to you mate you will just have to accept that she has her reasons... for all you know she could be married and only wanted a shag.(though it seems unlikely from your description of her!)

The coming on heavy thing is worth considering though. If you think that you come on a bit heavy then you probably do.. "in love before i met her"... when you love someone it means if/when they leave you it tears your heart apart, so i would be careful about falling in love so quick if i were you... you cant really love someone until you've seen their worst faults, close up without rose tilted glasses and can still say she's worth it.

shellyboo

Millie wrote: »

But a phone call could be too hard for her to deal with right now whereas a text allows her room to compose herself.
I know that I'd prefer a text.

Oh my GOD. If she's that delicate then he might as well give up now. She's slept with the guy but she can't talk to him?! Seriously.

OP, if you have her number (and I really hope you do) call her, suggest going out again, tell her how much of a good time you had. Suggest something date-y like the cinema, or dinner, not just drinking. Try not to sleep with her again that night, so she'll know you're not just after the sex... it's silly, but if that's what she's worried about it will reassure her. But call her! Don't just rely on email/chat, as one of the other posters said, her internet could be down or anything.

starchild

from the op post im thinking he does not have her number as he would surely have used that before reverting to the website

hopefully you will get to meet her again & def nothing wrong with pursuing her but i think you might have to examine the possibility that she may not feel the same way

LegacyUser

Op here again.

Thank you for all the responses.

I want to address one or two issues that have been raised by you. Just for absolute clarity. My apologies as I realise now I didn’t make myself clear in my first post.

I don’t have her phone number. I knew she was reticent about meeting up so I didn’t press the matter in order to provide her with a sense of safety. I was going to ask her maybe on a future date but not quite yet. I got the vibe from her that she would not be very happy to hand it out just yet so I didn’t press the matter. Dumb ass that I am.


When we met up, we had great fun and I didn’t come on too strongly I don’t think. I know exactly what you are saying in regard to this but I think I gauged it to keep it under a notch as I’m aware that too full on is not attractive as you say. I kept my thoughts on the OMG factor to myself but was very friendly and accommodating as far as I can think back. The last thing I wanted to do was pressure her into feeling cornered.


I’m getting the impression that she is now doing the same thing as she done the first time that I suggested meeting. She was nervous, that was obvious and it took a while to work around that but we did and I thought it was sort of sorted now that she saw I’m sane and not going to do her any harm.

If anyone asked me, I would have said that she likes me as much as I like her. Again, I must stress that I wasn’t genuflecting before her or anything else that might have freaked her out. She is of a delicate disposition I think but not so much so that I thought that she would not respond. I’m still convinced that it was our sleeping together that has put her to ground.

It looks like Im going to have to just wait for her to get in contact. I sent her a mail through the site saying I had a great time and would like to meet up again if she would also like that. If not, thank you and good luck. I agree that there is nothing more I can do. I certainly don’t want to appear stalker-ish in any way as she is wary enough without me stirring it up more.

Thanks again. I just wanted to hear a few opinions on the matter.

LegacyUser

OP, you seem to have done a very good job convincing yourself that her reasons for avoiding you aren't that she doesn't want to see you again/doesn't feel the same way as you. I am really not sure that this is the case. Generally if someone doesn't contact you it's because they just aren't that interested. I know that's not a very nice thing to accept if you really like someone but that's just the way it goes sometimes.

Don't get me wrong it could be that her internet is down, it could be that she's embarrassed or nervous but realistically if she wanted to see you again she'd contact you somehow.

It does sound like you might have came on a bit strong. You seemed to have decided you were 'in love' with this girl before you even met her. In furure maybe take things a bit slower and get to know someone before you get so full on.

Craft25

yeah.. if you dont get an answer in a week or two i'd send another to say you're a bit put out at not getting a reply, and that you'd still like to hear from her.. just so she knows you care and weren't just going for shag no.2!

you should've asked for the number.. theres no need to tippy-toe that much, over analysing every move.. and besides she may have been wondering why you didn't ask, do you not care enough