Paying for Wedding

Splendour

Hi,

am curious as to what's the 'done thing' with regards to paying for a wedding.

Is it:

A. - up to the bride's parents to pay.
B. - 50/50 for bride and groom's family to pay.
C. - bride and groom pay for it themselves.

Thanks

CathyMoran

Our wedding was last minute (I was very ill) and very small and inexpensive so my dad paid. If I get to be alive in another 3 years will be having a renewal of vows which we will pay for ourselves (already saving in hope). I think that most couples pay for the wedding themselves (with a little/lot of help from family).

Glowing

I'm just recently engaged and I never considered that my parents would pay. We expect to pay for the whole thing ourselves .... I think it's quite an old fashioned outlook to expect your parents to fork out these days.

Dob74

C.

I am getting married in two weeks and we are paying for it ourselves.
You should expect both sets of parents to help out or give a nice present(a few k)
But you will have to dig dip yourselfs.
We are having about 100 guests and it is still costing close to 20k.

Splendour

Thanks for replies. I am mother of the bride and had thought of paying for honeymoon.However was a bit shocked when told by my daughter that the groom told his parents he didn't think it was fair that the brides family should have to pay for all of the wedding! I'm a separated mom of three and my daughter and her fiance know I live on a hand to mouth existence so I don't know what they're thinking...
Obviously I'll muster up a couple of grand and I know my family too will be generous with their gifts but I imagine these will be given nearer or on the day of the wedding and would not be expected to be used to pay for the wedding. My ex hasn't spoken to my daughter in years so unfortunately he won't be helping to pay for anything-though he could easily afford to.

I would love to be able to help my daughter more,and if I was given more time to save I might have a better chance. Engagement announced a month ago and wedding Feb. 2010. Yet on the other hand, I find it a bit odd that a couple would go ahead and plan a wedding and expect others to pay for it without first consulting them...

deisebabe

Splendour,
Its a case of pay for your own wedding. I dont know of anyone who's parents paid for the wedding. A grand or two is MORE than generous.

For my own friends their parents are doing things like paying for the photographer. Mother of bride paying for the daughters dress. That kind of thing

check out http://www.weddingsonline.ie/ if you need more advice...also point the happy couple there!

CathyMoran

I feel the odd one out here - I should explain that my whole wedding (excluding the engagement ring) came to a lot less than 5K. Of course you should not be expected to pay for the wedding, the couple should but you should give a gift of money towards it - paying for the honeymoon sounds like a very generous idea.

ecaf

Splendour - I have a single parent mother and am getting married this summer. I wouldn't dream of asking her to pay for anything.

From the very beginning we planned to pay for it ourselves. My H2B's family wouldn't be in a position to pay for much either nor would we expect either family to.

We have saved for the last two years and have close to the full amount now. Luckily and very kindly, both mothers have offered to pay for some things, like my dress and his mother for his outfit + best man. There have been other weddings so we knew this would probably be the case, but if it came to it we could manage ourselves.

I know a lot of people getting married over the last few years and I'm sure they have all paid for the majority themselves.
I'm very surprised in the attitude that MOB would be expected to fork out for THEIR wedding.
Maybe you should speak to them as a couple to clarify. Offer to pay 1 -2 k for dress or something (whatever you feel you can afford, and would like to give them as a gift). But I don't think you should be under any pressure whatsoever to pay for anything more than that. It is their wedding, they plan it, and decide what it is going to cost THEM.

MJOR

No Cathy my Dad and Mom paid for my sisters wedding. We will be paying for our own (my parents have passed away). I think it depends on whether you are in a position to do it ir not. It's certainly not expected anymore.

ManFromAtlantis

i really wouldnt let someone else pay for yere wedding. if i couldnt afford i would scale down big time.

seamus

There's no "done thing" anymore.

The general rule is that the couple pay for the wedding themselves and if either set of parents wishes to contribute a no strings attached cash gift, that's up to them.

hunnymonster

wot Seamus said!

We're paying for ours, but we're both in our 30's so hardly starting out, I guess financial pressures might be more for younger couples.

seamus

I would also suggest that if you want to contribute or provide a gift, that you don't tell them it's for the reception. You can provide money with no specific thing for it to be spent on, or you can provide money towards the honeymoon.

The problem with providing money towards all or part of the reception is that some parents then feel like it's *their* party and demand (or assume) the right to invite whoever they want or otherwise dictate the order of the day. Or it may just make the couple uncomfortable about making some decisions because they feel like they have to take the parents' wishes into account, with them having provided some cash towards the reception.

Parental interference or tension is easily the biggest stress that people have to deal with when planning a wedding day. Everything else is a walk in the park by comparison.

So my suggestion is to either say that it's for the honeymoon, or make it clear that it's a contribution towards the total cost of the wedding and you expect nothing in return.

Toots

My parents are paying for my upcoming wedding. We were going to do it ourselves, although it'd be more like 2015 we'd be getting married in instead of 2010.

My Mum and Dad told us that they're going to give us a large cash gift as a wedding present, and then later on me and my Mum were sitting down and I was trying to work out budgets. It turned out what we were planning on spending on the wedding was around the same figure as the gift they were going to give us, so they said 'why don't we pay for the wedding?'. I was over the moon as it means that now we can get married much sooner than we thought.

To be honest I was totally blown away by this. I'd never have expected them to pay for our wedding. I always imagined they'd give us a few quid towards it but that we'd be paying for it ourselves. I don't think my h2b's parents would be able to give us anything, but that doesn't bother me, I'd never expect either of our parents to put themselves under pressure for us.

weddingtrainer

Nowadays i think most couples pay for their own wedding and hope that family and guests will kick with a few grand to help with costs. The reality is most people are coming out less 20k, some alot more than that but most people that its worth the financial sacrifice.

Sizzler

Splendour wrote: »

Hi,

am curious as to what's the 'done thing' with regards to paying for a wedding.

Is it:

A. - up to the bride's parents to pay.
B. - 50/50 for bride and groom's family to pay.
C. - bride and groom pay for it themselves.

Thanks

If you can't afford to get married under your own steam then don't do it. Don't expect other people to bail you out, if you are booking your wedding on the basis that you will cover your costs or almost cover your costs from gifts or family etc then thats a recipe for disaster imho.

seamus

Did you read the rest of the thread Sizzler?

Sizzler

seamus wrote: »

Did you read the rest of the thread Sizzler?

Most of it I was responding to the original post

00112984

Splendour, I got married last year and I have a lot of friends who are planning weddings now and the general consensus is that couples save and pay themselves. In our case, we're lucky that both sets of parents were in a position at the time to be very generous and gave us cash gifts that covered the costs but that wasn't expected or anticipated. It was obviously hugely appreciated but I would imagine that most people never just presume that someone else will pay for it.

If I were you, I'd be very clear with your daughter and her husband-to-be from day one and tell them what you think you can budget as a contribution and you should stick to that but, at the end of the day, it's your money and their wedding and you shouldn't feel under pressure to cough up just because they want a day out.

Years ago, it was tradition for the bride's family to pay but people got married a lot younger so didn't have their own funds whereas now, most couples have two incomes. Plus, years ago, you were paying for the wedding so the groom would take the bride away and provide for her. Not the case any more!

Splendour

seamus wrote: »

So my suggestion is to either say that it's for the honeymoon, or make it clear that it's a contribution towards the total cost of the wedding and you expect nothing in return.

The honeymoon is what I had planned on paying for and this could probably cost about 2,500. I'm also singing/playing guitar in the church and making the cake so that saves a few euros too!!

My daughter also told me that the groom's mother is going to talk to me about them paying for half, but I really don't want to go there!!
She (my daughter) did say yesterday 'not to be silly' that she didn't expect me to pay for half, but given her previous conversation not only with me but with the groom, she obviously did expect me to pay.

As I've said if I had it, I would love contribute more, especially since my daughter since an early age has been quite independant. As it stands though, the pleasure I thought I'd have giving the money for the honeymoon is now kinda gone as I feel I'm not doing enough...

Thank you all again for your replies.

CathyMoran

I think that your daughter and her husband to be should pay for the wedding, what you are planning on doing is more than generous, please stop being so tough on yourself - you did a great job looking after her thus far.

kizzyr

Dob74 wrote: »

C.

I am getting married in two weeks and we are paying for it ourselves.
You should expect both sets of parents to help out or give a nice present(a few k)
But you will have to dig dip yourselfs.
We are having about 100 guests and it is still costing close to 20k.

You shouldn't expect any such thing:eek:

kizzyr

Splendour wrote: »

Thanks for replies. I am mother of the bride and had thought of paying for honeymoon.However was a bit shocked when told by my daughter that the groom told his parents he didn't think it was fair that the brides family should have to pay for all of the wedding! I'm a separated mom of three and my daughter and her fiance know I live on a hand to mouth existence so I don't know what they're thinking...
Obviously I'll muster up a couple of grand and I know my family too will be generous with their gifts but I imagine these will be given nearer or on the day of the wedding and would not be expected to be used to pay for the wedding. My ex hasn't spoken to my daughter in years so unfortunately he won't be helping to pay for anything-though he could easily afford to.

I would love to be able to help my daughter more,and if I was given more time to save I might have a better chance. Engagement announced a month ago and wedding Feb. 2010. Yet on the other hand, I find it a bit odd that a couple would go ahead and plan a wedding and expect others to pay for it without first consulting them...

I really don't think you should feel in any way obliged to muster up a few thousand Euro for your daughter's wedding. I think any couple getting married should only opt for things they can afford themselves and certainly not expect financial help from their parents and / or guests.

Splendour

Splendour wrote: »

My daughter also told me that the groom's mother is going to talk to me about them paying for half, but I really don't want to go there!!
She (my daughter) did say yesterday 'not to be silly' that she didn't expect me to pay for half, but given her previous conversation not only with me but with the groom, she obviously did expect me to pay.

Honestly, make it clear it's their wedding and they should be paying. If they can't afford it then they should scale it down. Any gift you give will be a GIFT.

kizzyr

Splendour wrote: »

The honeymoon is what I had planned on paying for and this could probably cost about 2,500. I'm also singing/playing guitar in the church and making the cake so that saves a few euros too!!

My daughter also told me that the groom's mother is going to talk to me about them paying for half, but I really don't want to go there!!
She (my daughter) did say yesterday 'not to be silly' that she didn't expect me to pay for half, but given her previous conversation not only with me but with the groom, she obviously did expect me to pay.

As I've said if I had it, I would love contribute more, especially since my daughter since an early age has been quite independant. As it stands though, the pleasure I thought I'd have giving the money for the honeymoon is now kinda gone as I feel I'm not doing enough...

Thank you all again for your replies.

You really really shouldn't be feeling in any way bad or as though you're not doing enough. They are the ones getting married and they are the ones deciding on what they want for their wedding and honeymoon and so essentially they are the ones deciding how much they want to spend on the whole affair. If they can't afford the things they want then they either a) pull back on some of the stuff or b) delay the wedding and save some more money and get married when they can afford it.

Splendour

CathyMoran wrote: »

I think that your daughter and her husband to be should pay for the wedding, what you are planning on doing is more than generous, please stop being so tough on yourself - you did a great job looking after her thus far.

Sweet of you to say that.Thanks Cathy

kizzyr

Splendour wrote: »

Sweet of you to say that.Thanks Cathy

Cathy is right:)

Marlar

We are just married and like most other couples paid for it ourselves. We did get cash gifts from our families but there was never any notion of our parents paying.

tweety76

As said already nowadays most couples pay themselves, don't like the thoughts of leaving an elderly parent( in my case) 10k-20k down on their retirement money so wouldn't let him pay for it.

It was a few years ago though mind you and prob cost a lot less than weddings now.

kizzyr

tweety76 wrote: »

As said already nowadays most couples pay themselves, don't like the thoughts of leaving an elderly parent( in my case) 10k-20k down on their retirement money so wouldn't let him pay for it.

It was a few years ago though mind you and prob cost a lot less than weddings now.[/QUOTE]

Weddings now don't really have to cost as much as they do. A gift / wedding favours for the guests is a large expense that can easily be done without IMHO for one example. A hen / stag doens't have to be done over a whole week/ weekend and certainly doesn't have to be done abroad either. Thousands and thousands on a dress is crazy too.
I really think over the last number of years people got really caught up in the "must have" mania and it didn't make anyone any more married or more happily married than someone who didn't have it.

aoibhebree

I would never expect my parents to pay for my wedding, I just can't imagine it's done much in this day and age. If I couldn't afford the wedding of my dreams, I'd just scale it down a lot to what I could afford. As far as I'm concerned, you shouldn't even begin to plan a wedding until you have the finances in place yourselves.

Having said that, I come from a background where my parents aren't short of money, but they wouldn't have too much extra either. I know that if they had a wedding to pay for it would really curtail their own lifestyle for a couple of years and that's not fair, they've sacrificed enough for me over the years. IF my parents were wealthy, and IF they particularly wanted to pay for the wedding, I'd find it very hard to be all modern and independent and say no

However that's clearly not the situation here, and I think that your offer to pay for the honeymoon is extremely generous Splendour - I'm not expecting anything like that at all off my own parents!!

As a matter of interest, were you ever married, and did your parents pay for it, or would you have expected them to??

Splendour

aoibhebree wrote: »

As a matter of interest, were you ever married, and did your parents pay for it, or would you have expected them to??

Thanks aoibhebree. I was married at the ripe age of 18 and 5 months pregnant on my daughter :rolleyes: We paid for everthing in preparation for the wedding including deposit on hotel. When we went to finalise the bill, my parents had paid the balance, which was extremely generous, but we did not expect my parents to pay. Though it was not a lavish affair by any ways or means...Our honeymoon was a week in Wexford in a borrowed car!