Anyone ever been in this situation before?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I would love to hear from anyone who is or was ever in this situation before:

BAsically I am in my early thirties and living abroad for 5 years now and living with my BF. I have a good job that I really like and trained for in this country. My problem is that I miss home (Ireland) so much and I almost have a sense of guilt about living away from my parents. It probably wouldn't be so bad if my brother and sister didn't leave away from Ireland too but I feel that my parents are somehow on their own even though they have jobs and good social lives.
Thing is that they are getting older and I miss them. I am especially close to my dad and I also see my brother's wife going shopping and seeing her mum over here every weekend which is what I used to with my mum. I also see my brother being so intergrated with his wife's family and putting them first that it drives me mad and makes me miss my parents all the more! A close friend in Ireland is having a baby and talking of moving nearer her parents so they can help with the baby. When she told me this my heart nearly broke because please god when I have children that's what I want to do!

So the other part of this dilemma is that my BF and I have been together so long now and no sign of any engagement or committment like that. Being honest, I am not sure I would be happy for it to happen anyway because of how i feel about the country situation (my BF is from here). He doesn't think he would move back to Ireland because it is so expensive (who can blame him!) and I wouldn't like him to move away from his parents who he is so close to.
So...I leave my BF, I leave my good job and possibly face being unable to get a job in my field back home but in doing so I follow my heart??

Aarrgh I hope this makes sense to anyone reading it!! My head is so wrecked over this that I wake in the middle of the night and can think of nothing else

Anyone ever had this dilemmma??? Many thanks.

Victor

Would work give you a month off so you can visit them?

Mmmm_Lemony

My sister married a Polish guy, really nice bloke and they have 2 lovely kids together... Spent last few years in Poland while he was trying to make his career work... They are now back here to see if it will work a bit better in ireland and so far not running smoothly but... Only time will tell...

Point I'm trying to make is what about discussing a short-medium term move back to ireland, a sabatical from work for a year?

MagicMarker

So you want to give up a good life abroad, good job, LTR etc, come back to a recession and rocketing unemployment, just to be closer to your parents?

Sorry... can you repeat that?

SarahJ

MagicMarker wrote: »

So you want to give up a good life abroad, good job, LTR etc, come back to a recession and rocketing unemployment, just to be closer to your parents?

Sorry... can you repeat that?

That's quite insensitive, the Op is clearly having a hard time being away from them, so it's not nice for you to say that.

Op sounds like you may just need a break to get home and see that they are more than likely surviving ok without you, and that you shouldn't feel guilty.

LegacyUser

SarahJ wrote: »

That's quite insensitive, the Op is clearly having a hard time being away from them, so it's not nice for you to say that.

Op sounds like you may just need a break to get home and see that they are more than likely surviving ok without you, and that you shouldn't feel guilty.

Thanks Sarah, I think you understand a bit where I am coming from! What I probably didn't explain properly in my first post is that I don't think the relationship is actually going anywhere even though I would be sad to leave him. We don't agree on the fundamental issues like where to live (!) amongst others and he suffers a little bit with depression which makes it hard sometimes. The job I would miss, I work with some lovely people but lets just say that it's a job in a profession that people will always need so I'm not overly worried about it yet.

I just wanted to see if anyone was ever in this situation - did you find it really difficult going back home? Was it a disaster?

tfeldi

Hi, I'm a foreign-national living in Ireland with an Irish GF. So, a little bit the other way round. I don't miss my home country and family too much as they are close enough to Ireland and I get to fly home a few times a year - and that is fine for me. But I got this job offer in my home country which is very difficult to resist. Problem is, she hardly speaks the language of my home country which makes moving there difficult. And she is tied with her current job here in Ireland. We decided to make it work anyway. She will start learning the language and I negotiated that I can work part of the time from Ireland until her job contract expires. And then we give it a try to live im my country for a while before we probably move back to Ireland or to another country.

Anyway, point is that being in a multi-national relationship is not always easy (but also fun!!!) and requires compromises. There are times when it is the right decission to live in one country and there times when you should be living in the other country. Both of you need to be able to accept that. If he is not willing to live in Ireland at all anymore (even though it is feasible enough for him (job, language, work permit) then you might be in the wrong relationship.

Don't rush things. It is probably not the best idea to return to Ireland right now. Arrange a longer visit as others mentioned and see if it actually feels like you pictured it before you move back.

jim o doom

Before you make any decision go and talk to both your parents and your boyfriend. Your parents could be TOTALLY happy as they are & might (like Magicmarker & me too actually) think you are insane to give up love and financial security, to be closer to home.

In fact your parents might think they have done a GOOD job raising their kids, because they are all so independant and all living abroad - making their OWN way in life.

Think about it this way; a year down the line you could be broke, depressed, single & jobless living in your parents house, off their money;- frustrated you made such a BAD choice..

SarahJ

SarahJ wrote: »

That's quite insensitive, the Op is clearly having a hard time being away from them, so it's not nice for you to say that.

Op sounds like you may just need a break to get home and see that they are more than likely surviving ok without you, and that you shouldn't feel guilty.

I returned to Ireland three months ago after being away for the last 2 years. I came backs because i missed my family, and because my sister had two children while I was away. I was a Godfather and hadn't seen them. I loved living in China, but that was ok. Family is more important.

However. I have been unemployed for the last three months. Since i hit 18, I've never been without work for longer than 2 weeks including holidays... I'm now 31. Nothing to do. Very little money to spend with. A feeling of living off my parents again. Living at home, and now i have no money to leave Ireland again...

Frankly its not worth coming back unless you have work lined up. Its important to see your family, but do so on a small break. Do NOT return to Ireland without work, because within a few weeks you'll feel like you're feeding off your parents. (Mine are retired, which makes it even worse a feeling at times)

Be practical... Come back for a holiday....

LegacyUser

OP I could be quite wrong but it sounds like the country you are living in might be the UK...? I'm just basing that on the fact that you trained for your profession there and didn't mention anything about language difficulties or culture barriers being a factor in whether you stay there.

IF so, how often do you go home? Ireland and the UK (but also much of Europe) are so well connected that it's possible to visit enough to keep friendships and family relationships going. However, the flip-side is that if you are prone to homesickness, going home too often can have the negative effect of stirring up those feelings over and over again and also preventing you from settling where you are.

Also, do your parents visit you there or is the expectation that you always go home? If you are going to feel settled and like you belong where you are, you need to find a balance here, make it clear to yourself and your parents that this is your life and not just an interlude that will end with you coming home. Do you encourage your friends from home to visit you in the other country too?

If your BF is unwilling to compromise at all, even for a trial period, that in itself is a bad sign for the relationship. When you say "who can blame him", does his rational argument about the expense always override your emotional reasons for considering a move?