Your Thoughts Please

LegacyUser

Hi all

I dont know where to start really. I have ended a relationship of almost 2 years with someone that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I broke it off as he had a girlfriend (of 3 years) and I was his bit on the side (all judgement aside, I know I deserve everything I get). So basically he was with her for 1 year when he and I got together. Anyway, the whole thing is over now - I ended it at the weekend with a text telling him if he ever rang or text me again I would contact her and tell her everything. Needless to say I havent heard from him since. I am heartbroken, but I suppose I deserve that. My head has been completely f**ked up for the most part of this time and Im trying to get my life back on track.

But can people please give me their thoughts on his man and this situation? How can someone do that for so long? Did he truly love either her or me? What makes people cheat? I suppose I am trying to get my head sorted and would like to know peoples views on this.

Thanks in anticipation.

Adam

he didnt care about either of you tbh, and you're better off without him. however, you should consider that should he have left her for you eventually, could you trust that he wouldn't do the same to you a year or two later, cheating on you long term like that?

you reap what you sow. have more respect for yourself, and consideration for others to boot imo.

MagicMarker

My thoughts?

He played you. You fell for it. (spend your life with him? How gullible can you be?)

I've no sympathy for you what so ever.

Lollipops23

best off out of it. if he loved either of you he'd have resolved the situation long ago. move one.

Princessa

Two whole years as his bit on the side???
Wow he really had he cake and ate it too for the last two years, i think you answered the question yourself, he hasnt contacted you, he didnt leave her over the last two years and he wont leave her now.
I know its tough but time heals all wounds, hopefully you have learned a valuable lesson and will come out stronger and wiser form the situation.

MJOR

Karmas a b!tch aint it. Well I have sympathy for you but next time try falling for someone unattached. Its a tough call but next time have some self respect also. You deserve better. Just count your blessings girl that there are no kids etc involved.

Value yourself. You deserve to be in a loving committed relationship. Not someones bit on the side/mistress

Wibbs

Anybody with two people on the go, doesn't love either of them enough for it to be worthwhile to either of them. Bullet dodged, hard lesson learned.

Karen_*

I don't think you deserve to be hurt or hearbroken. But you are and unfortunately you have only yourself to blame.

How can someone cheat? Well because lack morals and have no boundaries and also because they have someone who's willing to be their bit on the side. Thats why they do it and how they do it. Don't ever enable a cheat again because if there weren't people like you then there would be no cheats.

Liam Byrne

someone that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I broke it off as he had a girlfriend

What in God's name made you think you were going to spend the rest of your life with him ?

Sorry, OP - no-one let you down or was nasty to you; you deluded yourself and allowed yourself to be used.

But the second question re "spending the rest of your life with him" is this : why the hell would you want to, considering he's a cheater who'd only do the same to you as he's been doing to his girlfriend for the last 2 years ?

Yes, it's Karma, and all the above posters are spot-on (but you knew that yourself). Your only redeeming factor is that you broke it off (albeit 2 years too late).

Why do some people cheat ? Because they can.
And why can they ? Because there's people who'll agree to be a part of it.

Mmmm_Lemony

It only hurts for a while... cut all ties if you don't want it to come back to hurt you again...

Next time look for someone you dont have to share... Plenty of em out there...

Carter12

Well I can relate to what your going through. I was in the same situation myself. After 8 years of being on the side he married someone else last year. Tho I never wanted anything more.. but its still hard to live with.

The last time I saw him was 5 weeks ago (shame on me ) and he is still emailing and txting wanting to meet up. But I havnt replied and im not going THERE again.

Youve done the right thing... and it will get easier with time. Start looking after yourself and dont go backwards.
Your self-respct will come back in time... im still waiting for mine to kick in

Stay strong x x

LegacyUser

just out of curiosity..what made you think you were going to spend the rest of your life with him? as his mistress? No offence.

you deserve much more than being anyone's second best, don´t fall for that again x

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

just out of curiosity..what made you think you were going to spend the rest of your life with him? as his mistress? No offence.

I'm not the OP but I'd imagine she expected he would leave the wife for her one day and they would live happy ever after. It's not unheard of for someone to leave a marriage for someone else.

karen3212

broken doll wrote: »

But can people please give me their thoughts on his man and this situation? How can someone do that for so long? Did he truly love either her or me? What makes people cheat? I suppose I am trying to get my head sorted and would like to know peoples views on this.

People cheat for reasons known only to themselves. Perhaps he enjoyed the excitement of having a hidden girlfriend, or maybe he was too cowardly to break up with one of you, or perhaps he really enjoyed having two women, perhaps he couldn't decide which one to choose. Only he knows and only you know why you did it.

We've all been hurt in some way through life, it's inevitable. We take our chances, sometimes the outcome is great, sometimes horrible.

I hope you dust yourself off and continue to fill your life with joy as much as you can.

Adam

sunnyside wrote: »

I'm not the OP but I'd imagine she expected he would leave the wife for her one day and they would live happy ever after. It's not unheard of for someone to leave a marriage for someone else.

"so...how did you two meet?"
"oh, he was cheating on his girlfriend with me for two years and finally decided I was good enough to leave her for! it was so romantic..."

i've never heard it, have you?

Overheal

How did he manage to keep two relationships incognito from eachother for 2 years?

And yes, how did you think this relationship was going to end with happily ever after? That to me sounds like getting way too far ahead of oneself. Which sucks, because when it goes wrong youve set yourself up for that much higher a fall. I feel bad for you stick to the 5 year plan not the 50 year plan.

People cheat when theyre relationship is incomplete in some way and rather that trying to breakup the flawed relationship or improve upon it they fill the void so to speak by cheating. im sure thats just one of a thousand reasons people cheat, but its one that springs to mind.

How did you find out?

Karmic Retribution: Tell her. Why wouldnt you? You don't owe him Anything for deceiving you for the entire relationship. And its fair to her that she finds out what kind of cúnt he is.

CDfm

Well OP you were the Mistress and wifey gets first dibbs. The man of your dreams was someone elses. Maybe its run its course and you ending it was a relief to everyone.

seanybiker

op is just just as bad as me man. You carry on for two years then decide to rat him out if he dont stay away. Your lovely you are. Deserve everything ya get imho. Sorry but only been honest.

Maggie.23

broken doll,
Look at your chosen user name. Instead of thinking of yourself as a doll - an object to be played with and cast aside - think of yourself as a strong woman who deserves a loving committed relationship. You are better off without this man. It couldn't have been a fulfilling relationship. You did absolutly the right thing finishing it. This is an opportunity, embrace it!

LegacyUser

Heres a bit of insight for you:

Q: Why do people cheat?
A: Cos they can and cos you let them.

As someone who screwed around behind my exes back, its this simple, I did it cos I could and they let me.

Its nothing more noble or exiting than that. All these bits on the side thinking they are 'the real lover in waiting' were nothing but suckers. Sounds big headed? Yes I was.

Thats how you are seen OP, a sucker. You put your hand out to be slapped and he slapped it. Hope you learned your lesson. The bits on the side live in deluded cuckoo land and that makes them easy prey.

To people who said users like me (like I WAS) have no morals, you are dead right, we haven't. I felt no guilt, I justified it to myself saying my boyfriend didn't satisfy me so he 'deserved it' and the wife or girlfriend of the man I was using was another sucker who was 'boring' or didn't satisfy the man or he wouldnt be looking elswhere.....etc etc

None of this is right, but I am posting here to show you the mindset of a cheater. Basically a selfish, sneaky predator who will use foolish people. Its easy to make a naive person feel special, its like shooting fish in a barrel as they say.

Ok that was the old me, obviously I have changed now and to be honest I am riddled with guilt NOW about things I did years ago, especially about the wives and fiances of the men I slept with. But it serves me right, I deserve my guilty conscience and a lot more tbh. Unfortunately I cannot turn back time and change what I did.

I had the morals of an alleycat back then, it was all about me me me. So this is a lesson for you to learn, avoid people like I was like the plague.....my attitude was eat or be eaten. You were eaten and not in a good way.

LegacyUser

I tink you SHOULD tell the girlfriend- but ot to spite him or to get back with him when she dumps him. Imagine how you'd feel if your partner had been cheating on your for 2 years? And if soemone told you, would you wish they hadn't??? Nope you wouldn't, so make up for it a bit and tell her. She'll hate you but you deserve it, but she deserves more

LegacyUser

i don't think the op is being as honest as she suggests. you say you want him to leave you alone but i would guess that there was row or something and you sent him a threatening ultimatum text, to call his bluff, and you thought, hoped he would say ' i can't not have you in my life, i'll leave the girlf and be with you'................but he did exactly the opposite and basically said 'fair enough i can cope with not talking to you again, i prefer my girlf anyway'..........you know that you would never tell her, cause that would certainly mean it over, you couldn't risk the likely chance that you would tell her, he would plead insanity , she would forgive him and you'd forgotten about within the month. your just annoyed he didn't do what you wanted him to and you'll probably end up back with him before long anyway and he'll continue to have his cake and eat it, safe in the knowledge both girls are probably mad about him. is he married to her, is she terminally ill, have they a house together kids..............if not and he is still with her...........he may well leave her, but it won't be for you !

Liber8or

I am a guy and I am telling you to tell his girlfriend now! Think of the situation logically.

- He used you and his girlfriend for 2 years.
- You broke up with him and as a result you are devastated.
- He is still with his girlfriend and has the "bit on the side" resolved.
- He now has the opportunity to find another girl (like you) and resume normal operations.

Basically, he has had the pleasure of two girls for two years, and now gets to do it all over again but with another woman he chooses to be with on the side.
Clearly he became bored with his girlfriend and wanted to be with another woman to satisfy his need for variety, by not telling the girlfriend you are feeding him. Besides, who is the say you were the ONLY one on the side? There could have been others....

Do it. He had f*cked up your head so time to play the revenge card and f*ck up his world. As hurtful as it will be for the girlfriend it is better she finds out now rather than another two years down the line, where he might have been with 5,10, x amount of girls...

LegacyUser

I emphasis with you. I feel so sorry for you, I feel worse for you reading the schoolkid pious "serves you right" bullshlt karma posts here.

You were really strong doing what you did. You finally cut all ties with someone you desperately love. I guess its like someone dying.

I'm a bloke, in a fix, something like the guy you talk about.

I hope you find someone.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel worse for you reading the schoolkid pious "serves you right" bullshlt karma posts here.

So if someone does something wrong and cruel, we're not entitled to say so ?

No-one's torn strips off her or been overly cruel, but it is definitely Karma.

I also acknowledged earlier "fair play" for doing the right thing; that said, there's absolutely no denying that she did it 2 years too late.

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a bloke, in a fix, something like the guy you talk about.

Ah, that explains you not wanting to take responsibility..... :rolleyes:

BTW, if you're in that "fix", there's one easy way to get out of it......respect both girls and make a choice and stick to it.

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

So if someone does something wrong and cruel, we're not entitled to say so ?

Of course you are. You can say what you want.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Ah, that explains you not wanting to take responsibility..... :rolleyes:

BTW, if you're in that "fix", there's one easy way to get out of it......respect both girls and make a choice and stick to it.

Roll your eyes all you want, judge all you want, gallop around on your high horse all you want, you don't know the details, you don't know what we have been through, you don't have a clue about me and my situation. I didn't come on here for a lecture from you, I came on to emphasize with the OP. Sometimes these things happen. I know we let them happen, but there is true emotions, feelings, pain and hurt. Even on the people perceived as being cruel and unkind can be really really hurting.

LegacyUser

Tell the girlfriend, give her a bit of he respect you have being denying her until now

LegacyUser

OP here.

I really appreciate all your responses. I thought I would get much more of a hammering, which I am so thankful I didn't get.

The craic is as follows:

There is nothing here I havent told yous. Saturday night was simply just "more of the same" bull**** that had been going on for a very long time. Things would be ok, they my head would get wrecked again, I would threaten to leave, he would talk me round. But this time I threatened to tell her (his girlfriend, they're not marrried). THis was the first time I had ever said this to him, and it obviously scared the livin bejaysus out of him, cos I never heard a tap. Which answered a lot of my questions. I now think that she was the more important person to him, as the risk of her finding out about us was enough for him to jump ship.

He was a bollock, no doubt about it, and he played the two of us better than I ever thought he could have done. There were lies, lots and lots of lies. I caught him out a few times and tried to walk away, but I loved this man. And I thought he would leave her - I was under the illusion that he loved me too. Foolish I know, but they say love is blind. Plus there was the fact that I didnt want to admit that he would choose her over me. I wanted him so much to want me. But it got to the stage where it was all consuming and I was in self destruct mode. And if I didnt do something about it, it would have made me sick.

I thought about whether I could trust him or not. And to be honest, no I couldnt. Didnt stop me from wanting him though.

Its now been the longest that we have never been in contact and I have a clearer mind. I dont think I will contact his girlfriend, she did nothing on me, I was one of the wrong-doers here. So she doesnt deserve it. She will have enough on her plate in dealing with him for as long as theyre together.

Once again, thanks everyone for your support and advice, it has been really helpful.

x

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Tell the girlfriend, give her a bit of he respect you have being denying her until now

This is ridiculous advice IMHO. It serves no one and only goes on to hurt someone else with no benefit to you OP- as both you and the b/f were the guilty parties and she is not . If you do it you will only be doing it out of spite and she will be the most hurt..

I cant imagine you would get any pleasure from it.

I don't see why telling the gf would be spite or should be done for "pleasure". Tbh I think it should possibly be done so she knows what kind of scum she's dealing with. No confrontation no fighting no discussion, just an anonymous message and leave it at that.

CDfm

bluewolf wrote: »

I don't see why telling the gf would be spite or should be done for "pleasure". Tbh I think it should possibly be done so she knows what kind of scum she's dealing with. No confrontation no fighting no discussion, just an anonymous message and leave it at that.

Haha - the OP was as much to blame knowing the guy was attached.

The anonymous message is going to prove what exactly? Its going to cause an argument from a safe distance and do what exactly leave the OPs name as the other woman?

I am not condoning the b/fs behavior.

Other then that its just a malicous call.

I think the OP is correct.

LegacyUser

I don't see the OP getting any pleasure from it, but the girlfriend, who is not one of the cheating parties, is in a relationship with this guy who has no respect for her and is using other women. She deserves to know so she can move on. And the Op should tell her- would you not like to know if it was you?

Liam Byrne

The other thing is that - at this stage - if the g/f confronts him and asks "are you having an affair ?", he'll be able to look her in the eye and say "no".

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't see the OP getting any pleasure from it, but the girlfriend, who is not one of the cheating parties, is in a relationship with this guy who has no respect for her and is using other women. She deserves to know so she can move on. And the Op should tell her- would you not like to know if it was you?

It would harm the g/f and she is innocent.

Whether of not the guy has respect for her is seperate. Whether or not revealing the relationship to her would hurt her -then the answer is yes.

You might like to know the g/f may not.