Flirtatious colleagues - harmless or drop it before it gets too serious??

LegacyUser

Ok I'm going unreg for this just in case. Walls have ears and all that...

I've been working with a colleague for the past couple of months & we sort of clicked straight away(in a friendly way). So we've been getting on quite well, have the same sense of humour & alot in common and it would get a bit flirtatious from time to time. He has been in a serious relationship for a number of years but I wouldn't see any harm in things the way they were.

The past couple of weeks however I've noticed we are getting closer, we're spending alot more time together at work & have been in touch more outside of work too (text & msn), he calls me by cute little pet names & there is a bit of arm touching and hand on the lower back stuff going on too. We never speak about his girlfriend or even the fact that he has one,it's sort of like some unwritten rule.

So now I'm getting an attack of conscience and I'm thinking that if I was in a relationship with someone I wouldn't like to think that my partner is behaving like this with someone else & I have a fear that it could end up developing into something more.

So what do I do? try & cut him out as much as possible (we still have to work together) and probably lose out on the friendship that we have?? I don't really see any other option but it still doesn't seem very appealing

Ainm

Trust me, end the flirtatious activity now. It is not going to end well imo. It's not fair to his girlfriend.
It's true that many colleagues have flirty relationships and it's totally harmless and goes nowhere, means nothing but from the sounds of things it's getting more serious in your case which more than likely means he is hoping something will happen between the two of you.
You needn't lose your friendship, but I suggest you reduce/cut out all the serious flirting.

Gholimoli

Ainm wrote: »

Trust me, end the flirtatious activity now. It is not going to end well imo. It's not fair to his girlfriend.
It's true that many colleagues have flirty relationships and it's totally harmless and goes nowhere, means nothing but from the sounds of things it's getting more serious in your case which more than likely means he is hoping something will happen between the two of you.
You needn't lose your friendship, but I suggest you reduce/cut out all the serious flirting.

i dont agree with this at all.
where does it say that she has to be fair to his GF???

i don’t have any particular advice really on the matter but to use your common sense and discretion but being fair to his GF would be the last thing on my mind...

the reality is he is either looking for something or he is not...
IMO OP should be asking if she can get anything out of this or not...something that would make her happy.

Ainm

Yeah I guess that's true, OP shouldn't be worrying about his girlfriend. He should though, and sounds like he isn't. Which should concern the OP if she was ever to have any kind of relationship with him in the future. Personally I could never be with a guy who treats his girlfriend with such little respect.
But it doesn't sound like the OP is even considering a relationship with him.

LegacyUser

Gholimoli wrote: »

i dont agree with this at all.
where does it say that she has to be fair to his GF???

i don’t have any particular advice really on the matter but to use your common sense and discretion but being fair to his GF would be the last thing on my mind...

the reality is he is either looking for something or he is not...
IMO OP should be asking if she can get anything out of this or not...something that would make her happy.

---- ehhh.... you ARE joking right?! She should back off, he is going out with someone else, and she's doing the right thing thinking about his girlfriend .... It's one thing to be a bit flirty with someone, its quite another thing to pursue or encourage it go deeper, when that other person is already commited to someone else.... OP, it's tough if you do really like him, but I'd say scale back your contact with him for a while, he's not the last bloke remaining out there, and do put yourself in her shoes....

LegacyUser

OP here, I'm not sure that I would want to hurt someone for my own happiness. If things went further his GF would most definitely be hurt and I'm sure it would be hard to deal with for him too.

Common sense is telling me to just let it go because I don't think he is thinking with his head when it comes to this, and knowing me it'll get to a point where my common sense will go out the window and my selfishness will kick in. I'm starting to think I should just try and avoid him as much as I can for a while.

Beruthiel

Back off OP.
And remember this, if he will do this with you while he has a girlfriend, then sometime down the line, he will do it to you too if ye were together.

LegacyUser

Ainm wrote: »

Yeah I guess that's true, OP shouldn't be worrying about his girlfriend. He should though, and sounds like he isn't. Which should concern the OP if she was ever to have any kind of relationship with him in the future. Personally I could never be with a guy who treats his girlfriend with such little respect.
But it doesn't sound like the OP is even considering a relationship with him.

Just want to say he is a really good guy and he hasn't done anything wrong. Even if something more had happened not everything is as black as white as that.

I am not considering a relationship with him because I think it would hurt too many people and I do not believe in "soulmates" or whatever, I know I will get over it and someone else will come along.

The reason for my post is too see if anyone has any suggestions that would save the friendship because I do value it alot.

Gholimoli

TBH I don’t believe in any of this “if he will do it to her then he will do it to you …” or “how would you like if some one did this to your own BF one day?”

So basically what you are saying is that by not doing this you are trying to ensure a problem free future some how?

You don’t get involved with some one elses BF then no one will get involved with your BF in the future?

IMO all these are reasons that people have for them self’s with out really believing in them? There just there cuz it’s well accepted despite how funny it sounds if you actually think about it in any way serious…

Im not trying to be controversial but honestly it puzzles me as how ppl could buy in to this!!!

Again im not saying do or don’t but rather do or don’t for the right reasons and not for “well what abt his GF?” cuz this is only a false sense of security…

beth-lou

I would advise to back off simply because you are better than that, worth more than that and he will most likely have a fling with you and stay with her, and where will that leave you.

Find someone who is available and free to give you all of their attention.

Seriously, this will turn into one serious head **** for you and you will get hurt.

As for thinking about his girlfriend, you already are, which shows you have empathy adn I really don't think you would ever feel comfortable being the bit on the side. As I said, you deserve better, Back off.

LegacyUser

Gholimoli wrote: »

TBH I don’t believe in any of this “if he will do it to her then he will do it to you …” or “how would you like if some one did this to your own BF one day?”

So basically what you are saying is that by not doing this you are trying to ensure a problem free future some how?

You don’t get involved with some one elses BF then no one will get involved with your BF in the future?

IMO all these are reasons that people have for them self’s with out really believing in them? There just there cuz it’s well accepted despite how funny it sounds if you actually think about it in any way serious…

Im not trying to be controversial but honestly it puzzles me as how ppl could buy in to this!!!

Again im not saying do or don’t but rather do or don’t for the right reasons and not for “well what abt his GF?” cuz this is only a false sense of security…

OP here, have to say I do agree with your way of thinking. I don't believe in all the fairytale BS.

I have my reasons for not wanting to take it further & that is something I've already decided. Not even considering the GF, it would also have implications professionally & all things considered it's not worth taking a chance. I'm just trying to figure out how to take it back a step or two & keep it there.

shellyboo

Gholimoli wrote: »

TBH I don’t believe in any of this “if he will do it to her then he will do it to you …” or “how would you like if some one did this to your own BF one day?”

So basically what you are saying is that by not doing this you are trying to ensure a problem free future some how?

You don’t get involved with some one elses BF then no one will get involved with your BF in the future?

IMO all these are reasons that people have for them self’s with out really believing in them? There just there cuz it’s well accepted despite how funny it sounds if you actually think about it in any way serious…

Im not trying to be controversial but honestly it puzzles me as how ppl could buy in to this!!!

Again im not saying do or don’t but rather do or don’t for the right reasons and not for “well what abt his GF?” cuz this is only a false sense of security…

Well, you may not believe in karma, but some do. Or even 'do unto others as you would have done unto you...'

However you frame it, it's basic ethics. Don't do something you wouldn't like to have done to you. Makes the world a better place.

What people are saying is, what does she hope to achieve by pursuing it? Getting herself a fella who she already knows is untrustworthy? Why would she want to go out with a guy who flirts inappropriately behind his gf's back?

Essentially, OP, you have nothing to gain from continuing the flirtation - so best to just let it drop. It COULD cause hassle for him and the gf and although that's not your responsibilty, anyone with an ounce of empathy would steer clear. It's not a very nice thing to do.

tbh

ok, so you know that it's going nowhere, you don't want it to, and you want advice on how to save your friendship. The only way you can do this is to have as little contact as you possibly can for three months or so, and treat this guy the same way you'd treat anyone else in work - no pet names, no touching, nothing. You have strayed into intimacy - you didn't mean to, I accept that - but now you need to "reboot" the friendship. There is a chance that not talking to the guy for a while means you'll never be as close again, but it's the only way. And besides, the closeness you feel to him now isn't real anyway. You know yourself where this is headed - let's be charitable and say "confused feelings" - so there *is* heartache in this relationships future. The only thing you have control over is whether you take a little now, or a lot later on.

LegacyUser

was in pretty much the same situ as the op a few years ago so much so that reading her post gave me chills of melancholy! we started out as best buds and it seemed natural for us to be so hands on, everyone else accepted it even though they knew he had a long term gf. since teens, now in his 30's. it was ok cause i didn't know her and he always gave the impression that he was casual about it even though when she rang the office he would end all calls with 'you too' and baby talk on the phone to her. i was in awe of him and thought he was just with her cause they had been together so long. then they got engaged and he said 'it was nothing to do with and he would never get married' all bravado and that. so our flirtation continued to the point where we would openly talk of the fact that we would be together if it weren't for her. (i was so blinded) yet if i went out at the weekend with the girls and mentioned that i had hooked up wth someone he would have a face on him. eventiually it got to the point where we got together at a xmas do, and it continue from there, yet nothing changed with her. he maintained he would leave her if only for the fact that they had a house together and she would kill herself.(i know i know ! i cringe when i think of it ) SHe was a lovely girl yet i had created a monster in my head at his suggestion. he was never marrying her, then the wedding was suddenly booked, but according to him he would never go through with it and so it continued until he did marry marry her. i fazed out of contact with him, though he still texts me to this day. even in terms of friends we were too close so although i miss him so much i realise it took over my life both at work and outside, my whole days where about him and i couldn't meet anyone while i was in that frame of mind. personally i believe in the saying 'if he'll do it with you he'll do it to you'...........he was with her for 15+ years and did it, why would he be loyal to me who he only knew 18 months. As dr phil says........if you wouldn't say or do it when she's (wife) in the room, you shouldn't be saying it ! You can be damned sure if you were out and met him and gf, he wouldn't be acting as he does at work with you. I know it's hard casue i been there but you should cut all that out and if you feel so inclined put your cards on the table and see what he really wants.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, looks like the general consensus is that I should back off and I think I probably knew that anyways. Just needed to be told, guess thats that then