Friend never stops moaning

JoeyW

I'm at my wits end with my friend. For years I've had to listen to her endless moaning about the most mundane things, like the weather or whats on tv or her having no boyfriend then when she had a boyfriend she moaned abbout him! I've been very supportive for as long as I can remember but this past year has really been the final straw for me.
I've been having a few problems of my own lately that I don't want to dwell on with my friends but would rather get together and have a laugh and talk about cheery stuff to forget.
This one friend however insists on moaning about everything under the sun. The rest of them are getting so sick of her. She hated her job so quit a year ago and moaned constantly about having no money but yet wouldn't enquire about assistance from the Social Welfare. So rather than get up off her bum and go and claim her stamps from Social, she sits at home moaning about it. She smokes 40 fags a day and moans that shes going to die (I kid you not - every cough is cancer). I give her so much advice but she ignores it all so I'm really at my wits end and my patience is running out. I advised her to go to the Social Welfare Office - she ignored it. I advised her to go for a health check up to put her mind at ease (also ignored). She has now found out shes pregnant and is moaning because she should really give up the fags but is so "stressed" that she can't.
It's gotten to the stage now where I'm ignoring her calls if I'm in a good mood because I don't want to be weighed down with her "problems"
Will someone like that ever cheer up or am I just wasting my time. Am I being too selfish myself for not listening to her?
Sorry for the long post..

Toots

That's a tough one, a friend of mine is very like that. Moans about anything and everything and is a total hypochondriac, she sneezes and she's practically planning her funeral :rolleyes:. To be honest, after years of listening to her complaining and then us trying to help her, my friends and I have come to the conclusion that she actually just really likes moaning all the time and probably enjoys the attention she gets from it. The only thing I've found to work is to distance myself from her. A lot of our group has done the same and it's sad really, but we all agree it's just too much to take sitting and listening to her bitch and moan about everything. I used to dread seeing her because of it, and to be honest I still do. The odd night (like once every 6 months) we'd meet up with her and she's still the same. Just that one night is hard going. So distancing myself from her hasn't actually changed her, but at least I only have to deal with it the odd time now.

enfield

My Dad had a great saying 'All things look yellow to a jaundiced eye'. I had such a problem with herself but I explained that she was destroying my soul with her negativity and what was in this relationship for me? It can be really soul destroying when someone only looks at the bad side. Medication ( from a Doctor) sorta kinda does the trick buts still lurking there in the background. The worst thing in a situation like this is for you to be a good listener. Some people ask for your opinion and then dismiss it so why bother. She needs to see a Doc. I am under the impression that the older ladies get the more they need the proper medication. I come from a big family and all the brothers wifes are going negative. Maybe bitching makes a girl feel good but its a turn off for the listener...unless its another woman...maybe?
Regards.
Tom.

Princessa

Nope people like that dont change...
You should invite her over for dinner, talk to her and tell her she should be a little more optimistc, the glass can be half full aswell.
If that fails and she starts moaning during the dinner then slap her across the face with a wet fish. She will more than likey complain about this so tell her oh im sorry i think you got lost, samaritans is that a way!

JoeyW

Thanks for the replies. I do think she likes having something to moan about really.
I used to say to her that she was wasting her healthy life by worrying about illnesses that most likely will never happen and if they do then why waste countless years before it thinking about it and stressing? I'm totally a glass is half full kind of person and can't relate to people who have no real problems moaning all the time.
I think distancing myself is the only thing to do really.

Varkov

Cut her off like a tumor

cocoa

Just put it to her like this 'If you come to me with a problem, I'm going to try to fix it, I'm going to try and tell you what you can do to make things better. If you don't give a crap or can't be bothered or just don't want to fix the problem, then quit moaning to me because I'm not interested.' It sounds to me like you've been a great friend so far, but this person is just enjoying being 'too weak' and 'the victim' too much and isn't very motivated to change their attitude and/or approach to life.

Otis Driftwood

Jeez OP,you really are a good friend cos if I had people like that in my life I would have given them a swift kick in the ass and tell them to cop on and sort themself out long ago.There is enough doom and gloom out there for everyone(you included) without having someone like that pissing on your flowerbed too.

Wibbs

JoeyW wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I do think she likes having something to moan about really.

I would agree with that(unless its actual mental illness). Any of the people I've known like that seemed to get a reinforcement of their self pity or general unhealthy world view from moaning and others reaction to it. So much so it became addictive in a way. Hard one to call. By being "there for her" all the time, you're just adding reinforcement all the time. Of course distancing yourself may make you feel guilty and then she contacts you again and knows the buttons to press so you're back to square one.

The only way I've found to deal with it is to re allign the whole dynamic. Reward them with attention for good interactions or parts of a conversation, but ignore(punish I suppose) the bad parts. When I say ignore, I mean change the subject entirely. Barely acknowledge their moaning. Smile make a joke and change tack to something more light and fun. Don't be drawn into their mindset and unhealthy feedback loop. So the next time she goes on about cancer or damaging her child, do not rise to it as that's precisely what she's looking for you to do. That's her "reward". People would often rather be right than happy, so her skewed worldview is what she thinks is right. You rising to it agrees with her worldview and reinforces it.

Instead make a joke. I dunno ... "oh yea:) you're face will be on the new warnings on ciggy packets. You'll be famous. Did you see the state of X in the pub last saturday?:D". That kinda thing. If she continues make some excuse to remove yourself from her company. "Oh crap! I'm late, have to meet X talk tomorrow" etc.

That line of interacting has worked for me in the past, but is wearing on you, especially of you're the sensitive type of person.

You're not her shrink remember. That's the big part. I support and love my friends and will go through hoops to help them if they're in trouble, but I also recognise a point where I can no longer help or a point where it's affecting me as a person in an unhealthy way. You may well have reached that point.

badolepuddytat

+1 to Wibbs post

If she's not the kind of person to take a direct "Get over yourself already" from a (long suffering) friend then try indirectly letting her know how you feel about your interactions as Wibbs said. If she'll take it without offense you could say that when you've been having a hard time of it you really need positivity and that dwelling on the situation won't help her out of it. I had a friend like that, everything was somebody elses fault/responsibility and no amount of advice, help or sympathy would get her to do something constructive to change the things she didn't like. I couldn't play into that cycle anymore and cut contact with her and to be honest never missed her friendship, I saw how one-sided the relationship was once out of it. You'll never do enough to get someone like that out of a negative head space, it's their respite in the mean old world that's out to get them and rob them of their happiness :rolleyes:

beks101

Sorry JoeyW, but people like this never change, in my experience.

By all means as a friend sit her down and explain how frustrating it is, to the point where it may be a dealbreaker in your friendship. It may have some impact.

But there are people like this who sap the energy out of you and form very one sided friendships with you, as they are capable of little else. I had a close friend like this in college, who others - including more-or-less everyone in my circle of friends avoided - and eventually I had to distance myself from her. She was making me bloody miserable.

Friendships should not be permanent hard work like that.

wolfpawnat

Jesus, I read this and it really sounded as though you were talking about my OH's mother, self obsessed drama queen extraodinaire!

She fractured her wrist and pelvis on Stephen's day going into the attic on the Stira stairs and it was my OH's fault because she had an argument with him not long before she went out there, oh course it could never have been that she went up a stira stairs in a long skirt, backless shoes and only one hand on the ladder!

She is only interested in bad news, who's dead is far more interesting than anything else in this world, when she injured herself she couldn't go to a mans funeral and she was so p!ssed off, not because she wanted to pay her last respects but because there was rumours that he shot himself, them that he slashed his wrists (of which she helped spread) and she couldnt go see for herself!

She hates when certain people ring her because they only ring her to "brag", if you can call someone cheerful on the phone bragging! She actually cant stand people who are cheerful.

When her niece rang in January to say there was a new baby after being born and that mother and child were healthy. She came off the phone and went on a tangent that her niece didnt care that she could be dead!

Any time she answers the phone, the first words out of her mouth are always "Oh jesus dont talk to me" days have gone by where I refuse to talk to her because she says those words, and if you tell her to cop on she goes off like a child in a huff and threathens to have my OH taken out of her will (she is obsessed with material possessions)

Your friend is going to be this woman in 30 years time, I can promise you that, this woman has no real friends and everyone only rings her to get the gossip and to laugh at her, I know this because I have met these people on the street and they have no bother actually admitting to it. They can't stand her! If she ever does something nice fo someone, she will forever and a day hold it over their heads. The man next door had no dinner St Stephens day because he brought her to the hospital and waited with her and brought her home again, I said that was nice of him as a passing comment and she said "Oh its horribe, he's such a dose to be listening to"

I cant escape this woman and truthfully after about a week in my OH's house he and I usually start fighting because we become so angry at everyone and everything because of this woman, my advice, run for the hills, toxic people love being that way and will take pleasure in taking you down with them!

Das Kitty

I had a friend like this. I used to be able to take her in small doses but over time it wore me down.

I had a chat with a mutual friend of ours starting with "Do you ever feel totally worn out after spending time with X?" Turns out it wasn't just me.

It finally came to a head when I was trying to plan a weekend away (yep wedding related one) with everyone and I was getting constant texts and emails about how she was going to do this and that and stay here etc (obviously completely the opposite to what everyone else was doing). I lost it and told her that if she couldn't just go with the flow that the two of us would have to have a weekend away on our own another time.

I decided I just couldn't do it any more, I had given my self a bald patch from plucking the hairs out of my head with stress and I realised that this was a one way friendship.

She hasn't contacted me since nor I her. It's a terrible thing to dread meeting up with someone especially if they're a friend of yours.

I don't know how it's affected her and I do think and dream about it, but I had to do this for me, it was affecting more than just the one aspect of my life.


Edit -

Just looking at Wolf's post above, it's my ex-friend all over. Creepy.

jim o doom

I would be inclined to tell someone like that to "stop being such an annoying moany c*nt".. If they didn't just cut them off..

CDfm

JoeyW wrote: »

I've been very supportive for as long as I can remember but this past year has really been the final straw for me.
I've been having a few problems of my own lately that I don't want to dwell on with my friends but would rather get together and have a laugh and talk about cheery stuff to forget.


Will someone like that ever cheer up or am I just wasting my time. Am I being too selfish myself for not listening to her?
Sorry for the long post..

Buy yourself a Miss Happy T-Shirt to wear when you meet her and do it always. Keep one handy if you bump into her and just pop it on. Let the T-Shirt do the work.

Really - I would avoid someone like that. Harbingers of doom.After all the whinging they are still there own miserable selves and they have ruined my happiness.

I work with a real Miss Misery and had to take a half day recently from her recession depression.

MJOR

She sounds like the typical toxic friend. Everyone has or has had one. Life is tough OP and you don't need someone like this dragging you down. I feel for her but you need to excercise some "tough love" here I think.

She is a negative person to the extreme. You have to tell her enough is enough. Life is too short to be attached to a moaning minney

JoeyW

Thank you so much everyone for your posts. I was actually expecting people to tell me I was being selfish friend and now I'm made up!
Thank you...
J

nice_guy80

"Who's a bit of a moaning Michael?"

a hurley to the side of the head usually solves moaning