Bothered by BF's past

LegacyUser

I know this is irrational so please don't post telling me not to be judgemental - I'm not.
However my new bf's romantic/sexual past is bothering me. He's been with quite a lot of people by my standards (although he doesn't think so!) He's had 3-4 serious girlfriends and lots of short term ones, and it seems like a lot of casual stuff. My main problem is he's still friends with loads of these girls as he has a big group of friends who all know each other and everyone's business. They all seem to think it's normal to score their friends, but I've never been like that with my friends so it's all a bit alien to me. I was at a party with my bf and he introduced me to a girl and casually mentioned he was with her last year... I really like the guy but I feel a bit uncomfortable and yes, jealous. It wasn't a great feeling that he'd been with 4-5 girls in the room! By all accounts he's a good boyfriend but what can I do about these feelings?

Abi

Everyone is entitled to a past. You have to remember he is with you, not any of them. If it bothers you that much, just ask him not to be so liberal with the info. You have to deal with the jealousy before it damages your relationship.

Normally I'd be one of the first to hop on the insecure/jealous/judgemental bandwagon, but in this case, your bf introducing you to girls and pointing out which ones he's been with sounds a bit... off. I'm not into keeping exes a secret but rubbing it in your face is a bit much really. Tell him you don't need to know who he's been with as he is with you now, and remember the same thing yourself.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Normally I'd be one of the first to hop on the insecure/jealous/judgemental bandwagon, but in this case, your bf introducing you to girls and pointing out which ones he's been with sounds a bit... off. I'm not into keeping exes a secret but rubbing it in your face is a bit much really. Tell him you don't need to know who he's been with as he is with you now, and remember the same thing yourself.

But maybe he didn't want her to find out herself later?

LegacyUser

Well to be fair, I could see the girl liked him so I asked him and he said yes, he was with her but just casually and has no interest in her anymore. It's not that I don't believe him, but it just makes me a bit uncomfortable with all his friends knowing all about the girls he's been with in the past. As I said I'm not used to these groups of friends who live in the same area, went to school together, know everything. I suppose it makes me feel a bit of an outsider as well. I have separate groups of friends and none of them knew my exes particularly well, so there's not really any of the same awkwardness for my bf.

annon123

Unfortunately you'll have to sit down and decide exactly how much this bothers you and whether you can get over it or not.. The girls and ex's aren't going to disappear so its down to whether you can get over it. Personally if its still bothering you in a coupl of months time then it's time to move on.

LegacyUser

How old are you, OP? When I was in my early 20's, in my first real realtionship I was a lot like that. I used to grill my BF for all of the details about his sexual past. Sometimes I really worked myself into a rage. I never liked hearing about it, but it was like I just couldn't stop myself from asking. Now I'm in my early 30's and not like that at all. It's hard to say what changed. I cringe thinking of myself then...I'm sure it wasn't very attractive. It's not that I don't care at all about current BF's past, but I don't have the same need to know every juicy little detail...and this guy has had many more lovers than my first love did (obviously he's 10 years older..)

Best thing is to enact a "don't ask/don't tell" policy..Trust me..It's better for your own sanity. The important thing to remember is that he's with you now. All that matters is that he's being faithful to you in the here and now.

LegacyUser

Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all, as he clearly loves me and treats me really well, but sometimes I get these waves of jealousy/discomfort. Not really with his long term exes, more for the girls he was with casually. It just bothers me for some reason. I think it's a bit odd to hang round in a big group who score/shag each other so that's at the root of my issue.

Max Power1

bluewolf wrote: »

your bf introducing you to girls and pointing out which ones he's been with sounds a bit... off. I'm not into keeping exes a secret but rubbing it in your face is a bit much really. .

if they are all in the same friends circle would you rather he didnt tell you?? i know i would prefer to know upfront, but thats just me!!

starchild

many people experience strong emotions when with someone who has had a lot of past partners, i belive that in many cases this is a result of a value or outlook that was instilled in them as they grew up.

Inherently some people just see this trait as wrong. They tend not to realise it and as a result it manifests itself as jealousy whereas in reality it is usually fear that you are not good enough to keep this person with you.

Perhaps this may be the case for you op, have a think about it and if you feel this is the case try and take a logical unemotional look at your situation. It may be that you can alter your perception of "how things should be" & progress on successfully with your relationship.

The Corinthian

bluewolf wrote: »

Normally I'd be one of the first to hop on the insecure/jealous/judgemental bandwagon, but in this case, your bf introducing you to girls and pointing out which ones he's been with sounds a bit... off. I'm not into keeping exes a secret but rubbing it in your face is a bit much really. Tell him you don't need to know who he's been with as he is with you now, and remember the same thing yourself.

He's telling her these details because he feels that they are not an issue.

That doesn't justify it, as he should also consider how she should feel about it, but if he had any real doubt that these women were in the past he'd never mention them. Just in case.

littlemisspiggy

I can relate to this 100%. My boyfriend is part of a large group (about 50 people) who have all grown up together since primary school age. I'm now great friends with most of them. When we first got together I was only 22 and it bothered me soooo much that my bf had scored/dated/been in a relationship with about half the girls in the group. I think it had a lot to do with how young I was and also that I was brought up very strictly and had only been with 3 guys before him.

My main piece of advice would be - don't let it eat you up because it will end up ruining your relationship. You have to tell yourself every day that he picked you over of them. After all, if he liked them that much then he would still be with them and he's not.

Also, I asked my bf one day how he would feel if everytime we went to the pub half the guys round the table were ex-s of mine. I guess he saw it from my point of view and admitted that he wouldn't be too comfortable with it. Of course, he's not going to stop being friends with them and neither should he but it did help him to see things from my point of view.

Fast forward six years and it rarely bothers me now. In fact, I think it's a good reflection on his character and his respect for women generally that he can still be friends with them. Believe it or not, this year we are going on holiday with three other couples - and two of the girls are his ex-s.

littlemisspiggy

[quote=he should also consider how she should feel about it, but if he had any real doubt that these women were in the past he'd never mention them. Just in case.[/quote]

Not at all! I preferred my bf to just tell me which of the group he'd scored and then I could forget about it. If he came out now (6 years later) and admitted he'd been with one of them I'd be worried simply because he never mentioned it before. If the girl means nothing more than a friend then there's no big deal in telling you.

LegacyUser

It looks like he's so into you that he doesnt want to have secrets with you. I assume you are not together for long so that's why you get jelous. You always have the doubt if he would still fancy one of the girls he was with, or? Think of a guy you have been with in the past, for instance. Have you not ever though "OMG how could I ever have set my eyes on him.." He may get the same feeling with those girls..

Some people are comfortable taking about this and some are not. If he weren´t in touch with them, I'd ask him not to tell me anything. But I'd say he's doing right, because it's better to know from him that getting it (and most probably getting it wrong) from someone else's comment.

Tell him how you feel, but I think you shouldn't worry

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Best thing is to enact a "don't ask/don't tell" policy..Trust me..It's better for your own sanity. The important thing to remember is that he's with you now. All that matters is that he's being faithful to you in the here and now.

Very sound advice.

BOTHERED555 wrote: »

Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all, as he clearly loves me and treats me really well, but sometimes I get these waves of jealousy/discomfort. Not really with his long term exes, more for the girls he was with casually. It just bothers me for some reason. I think it's a bit odd to hang round in a big group who score/shag each other so that's at the root of my issue.

I used to get really bothered about my girlfriends sexual pasts. It was the one night stands that got to me as well, and i simply put it down to the fact that I'm just not interested in them and can't see how anyone would be. Any girls I've been with have always had twice as many sexual partners than me despite normally being younger and and with my currect girlfriend it's the same story. I never really liked admitting this to people as many people don't mind their partners sexual past and was always afraid of getting the usual pissy and half arsed "grow up and cop on" response.

What I learned to remember is that people at the time had their own reasons for riding around. It could be feeling lonely, on the rebound or just simply wanting a shag. All very human. If your boyfriend is with you now, he obviously doesn't want any of that anymore. He's telling you (although not very eloquently) because he doesn't want to keep secrets from you. I doubt it's bragging. Keep this in mind and just do all you can not to think about it. It get's easier as time goes on and eventually you'll probably think nothing of it

The Corinthian

littlemisspiggy wrote: »

Not at all! I preferred my bf to just tell me which of the group he'd scored and then I could forget about it.

Which was his assumption, I'd imagine. However not all women are like you and it is often better to err on the side of caution.

It's like when asked "is my ass big in this dress"; the correct answer is "no" - women have a nasty habit of asking questions not because they want the truth, but because they want validation, and if you don't give it to them, there's Hell to pay...

Think of it as as men's equivalent of faking orgasms.

littlemisspiggy

The Corinthian wrote: »

Which was his assumption, I'd imagine.

Actually no - it was me that suggested it. I was told about one, then about a month later I found out about two more and in the meantime I'd made some innocent comment about him and all his exs not realising they were sitting next to me and I ended up looking like an idiot. So I told him to just tell me and then the issue would be closed and I wouldn't get anymore nasty surprises.

The Corinthian wrote: »

However not all women are like you and it is often better to err on the side of caution.

Fair enough - I was only giving my view from where I was. You're right though -everyone is different and the OP should only take on board the advice that applies to her.

The Corinthian

littlemisspiggy wrote: »

Actually no - it was me that suggested it.

I meant the OP's boyfriend.

LegacyUser

One of my exes was in a gang like this when I met him.

They were all very over interested in me when I got with him, I found it unusual but didn't think on it too deeply.

Well as it turned out the whole lot of them had been with each other in every combination possible, very incestuous. So thats why they were looking at me with such interest, they were sizing me up as i was "fresh meat" !!!

It was a creepy situation but they all thought it was normal to sleep with their friends exes, they could never seem to go outside their own circle. They were a bunch of weirdos and so was he in the end.

Beware I say OP !

barbiegirl

I'm from a small town and this is usual. You grow up together and in your mid twenties if you look around a pub you can identify loads of guys you've snogged etc. I moved to Dublin for college so never scored anyone at home, thank God. But if you've moved into his town, then you'll just have to live with it. Jealousy will get you no where! I'm now in my mid thirties (getting old!!) and find it funny if I'm around one of his ex's, though in Dublin it doesn't happen as often. Everyone has a past, but in a small town or area it is more obvious.