Loyalty in a relationship

lost09

I have not had a lot of relationships but the ones I have had have tended to last for years. I am becoming aware of a certain pattern. I am loyal and loving. Also I have a sense of humour and almost against my better judgement i let things go believing that it is right to not take life too seriously. But when a man tells me that he loves me, I believe that he wouldn't say it unless he meant it...

My last relationship was almost five years. One of the biggest reasons that it faded and went sour was because of the fact that he discussed our arguments with his family and friends, painting me in a bad light. And he told me up front that he had done this. To me this is the ultimate betrayal. And this led to further arguments about loyalty and trust.

My current relationship has been on and off for the past 2 or 3 years. This weekend we had an argument in msn and text messages and he texted me back at one point telling me that his friend was there and that they were having a good laugh at some messages that I had sent him. I know that this friend of his has been jealous of the time that we spend together and from the very beginning he has been trying to split us up. I have mentioned in the past to my boyfriend that I would prefer if he didn't discuss what goes on between us to his so-called friend. At the same time I have always been respectful of the fact that they are friends and have never tried to turn it into a me versus his friend thing.

This could be quite a long story but I have tried to keep it as brief and to the point as possible..
Would really appreciate any feedback on what I have said. I am feeling very lost and alone now. I am in my early 30s and you'd think at this stage that I'd be grown up enough to not fall for someone whose words speak louder than their actions. I know I am not perfect and that nobody is. I am just not sure if I am overreacting. Or am I right to feel betrayed and that my feelings are being trampled over?

Lies, drama, conflict, manipulation, game-playing, insincerity. I am tired of it. But I am hopelessly in love with this man. I know he loves me too. But he sways between loving me and being 'in love'. Much of the time I feel used and am left feeling empty. I told him that he is fickle and shallow because he is. We are now at a point where he wants us to be just friends. My thoughts on this are that he wants to keep me hanging on and that he would like to continue to have the option of sleeping with me when he gets bored because he has told me that I am great in bed. But then said that I wasn't the last argument we had, trying to be hurtful. Meanwhile I told him that he is not even my friend because of how he treats people.
Basically I want to move on but it seems that I can't because we definitely have an attraction and we have been good friends and have had some great conversations and good times together. I have told him clearly that I want out for good this time. And part of me wants that. At the same time I don't want to lose him and can't imagine never seeing him again. I am torn. I would like to be friends but I know deep down that I can't be just friends with him. And I'm sure he knows that we can't be just friends either. I am so sad right now. Today he texted me asking me how I was, as if nothing had happened. Then later he texted to say goodnight. I never ignore a message but today I did. Where do i go from here?

who007

Dump the loser.

Honestly! Read back over what you wrote and ask yourself, if that was written by someone else on Boards what advice would I honestly give them? I think you know the answer to that already. I know it's painful but for the sake of minimising the pain in the near future just end it for good and don't ever look back.

Sounds like a complete dickhead to me.

Dragan

I don't mean to be mean but just leave him.

Reading your post actually got me a bit annoyed, not even at your fella, but at you.

Have you no confidence or pride in yourself to realise that you are being treated poorly, that your relationship is a shambles and it would be best to move on?

Christ, i shudder to think that there are people out there who think so little of themselves.

Read back over what you wrote and how you described this blokes treatment of you.

Would you wish that on a friend or an enemy?

CDfm

You are unhappy ATM.

I do think discussing relationship issues with others is a bit bad and was in a relationship where it did happen and it was awful. X says this - is always unhelpful and puts you at a disadvantage numbers wise.

Have you tried just saying -when you talk about intimate stuff to your family I fell you are betraying a confidence. It was naff to show his friends you MSN and texts. Maybe he is unintentionally a bit of an oaf.

Its cool that you love him but you need some balance -if him being so open on stuff and if it causes you loss of confidence - I would ask him to stop those behaviours that make me feel bad.

Femelade

am..is this the guy that you are talking about in your other thread??

EDIT/ sorry, just read the start of your other thread again properly..i see now that it is the same guy..

hope all works out for you.
you need to stay away from this guy, even though i know its hard to deal with the not seeing them ever again, but i think with recent dealings you've had with him you have all that sorted in your head now.
best of luck..
and remember the aul cliche..
plenty more fish in the sea..

CDfm

Femmy wrote: »

am..is this the guy that you are talking about in your other thread??

FFS -when you are a couple you discuss whats acceptable and negotiate boundaries vis a vis others.

She loves the guy so he mist have some positives.

Femelade

CDfm wrote: »

FFS -when you are a couple you discuss whats acceptable and negotiate boundaries vis a vis others.

She loves the guy so he mist have some positives.

well after reading the end of the other thread, i reckon all love is lost there.

lost09

Yeah all love is lost for sure. Funny how a couple of hours or one or two wrong words can end everything.
I am sure that after this he will bitch and exaggerate everything to his circle of family and friends.
Whereas I keep everything to myself. At least I could vent here and I am grateful for that and even though this is a sad and unpleasant story it was nice to be listened to and to know that I am not completely alone.
We had split up in mid 07 and it seemed like it was for good. 14 months later I get an email from him and we ended up back in touch. And it's just been one drama after another with him. He says the most hurtful things to score points.
Anyway it's over now. I would like to say I'm glad. But I have mixed feelings. What most would do is have their friends rally around and help them through it all. But he was my best friend. And without him I am pretty much alone in the world. It's gonna be hard for me. Guess i'll just soldier on and treat it as a signpost that I need to make some new friends and stop putting all my eggs in one basket. It's not easy to make new friends at the age of 33.

Femelade

ah its very easy to make friends at 33!! age has nothing to do with it!!
i'll do the usual PI thing and say join a club or something, at least your mind will be taken off him and you might meet some new friends!!

CDfm

Femmy wrote: »

well after reading the end of the other thread, i reckon all love is lost there.

Surely if OP loves him she should be able to post some reasons for this. He may do some stuff thats positive and makes him attractive.

Hopefully OP has some positives.

To me -emotional blackmail tactics allow him to say well ... My mum says .....or my mate says .......and this is used to give weight to arguments.

Confidentiality in a relationship is like what happens in the bedroom staying in the bedroom.

But OP if this is a trivial and you are blowing it out of proportion be careful you dont blame your b/f for problems you had before.

nedoo

Have you not just told the world these problems you are having, when you have ended relationships for people talking with friends and family.

lost09

CDfm wrote: »

To me -emotional blackmail tactics allow him to say well ... My mum says .....or my mate says .......and this is used to give weight to arguments.

This is exactly how it was. He is a big strong tough guy but when it comes to the big deep stuff he will hide behind other people to communicate how he feels rather than standing on his own 2 feet and telling it like it is.
.
.
.
Ok i am venting here and it's probably not achieving anything.
But thanks for reading.

CDfm

This plus wrecking your place is a no-no. Any hint of Domestic Violence by either gender is wrong.

There is a book Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward which you should be able to get thru your library.

Best of luck

nedoo

nedoo wrote: »

Have you not just told the world these problems you are having, when you have ended relationships for people talking with friends and family.

She's not sitting here making derogatory comments and snickering at him, and he's not trying to engage in actual communication with her.
So eh no it's not quite the same

Wibbs

nedoo wrote: »

Have you not just told the world these problems you are having, when you have ended relationships for people talking with friends and family.

Huge difference. She doesn't know us from a hole in the wall and we don't know her.

lost09

bluewolf wrote: »

She's not sitting here making derogatory comments and snickering at him, and he's not trying to engage in actual communication with her.
So eh no it's not quite the same

And I would never do that ever. Not even now., even after how he has lied to me and betrayed me. And he had told me things about himself that I could easily use and abuse in my time of hurt to score useless points, as i see it. If I would stoop to his level of treating people.
In all the time I was with him he has told me about how it was with each of his ex-girlfriends, mainly how they were in bed.
I am not claiming to be some kind of saint but for me this is and has always been an absolute no-no.
He has never heard me from any detail at all about my ex's and past my sex life. All there has been is the occasional mention about how this person was part of my life, and some surface details of our lives together.
But he has of his own accord spillled almost everything about how his ex's have been in the bedroom.
It's a ****ing joke. He prides himself on being so honest. And he is. Except when it comes to the real important of stuff of whether we are really an item or not. For example.

EDIT: for the record i have never cheated on him or been anything other than loving and loyal towards him. But yet when i resisted his attempts to come down to my place at 4am he has ended up accusing me of cheating on him. For whatever way his brain is wired. I don't understand it and at this point in time i don't want to understand. I have never cheated on anyone in any of my relationships simply because i don't see the point of that and continueing to stay with the person in a relationship shrounded in dishonesty. And when i was with him i only had eyes for him. He has been dishonest with me and in our last argument he told me that he was 'seeing someone else'(his words). I just don't understand his mentality and I am torn between wanting to and not wanting to.