Am I crazy to think this can work?

LegacyUser

I'll keep this short and to the point. Basically I finished with my boyfriend of almost two years last October - he wasn't treating me well and the spark had pretty much gone about a year earlier. I was planning to be single for a while, however I started hanging out with one of my male friends a lot more, and we ended up kissing. We were together every time we met after that, but we both wanted to keep it fairly casual, as I was after finishing a relationship and he was heading off to another, very far away, country. However, things started to get a bit more serious (a lot more serious if I'm honest - he told me he loved me) and we were pretty much acting like a couple, even though we didn't want to start a relationship under the circumstances. We had an amazing few months, he left and I thought that was that.

BUT I feel like I've lost a part of me now he's gone, and he feels the same. I had dismissed my feelings as being on the rebound, but I realise now that I truly love this guy and I'm not interested in anyone else. He's gone away for a year and I'm also in another country. I'm enjoying having space and getting my head together, but I still think of him as the one for me. Would it be crazy to think that we could have a long distance relationship and hopefully be together after a year? I had said this was unfair to us both and putting too much pressure on us, but at the moment I have a really good feeling about it. He's probably the best friend I've ever had in terms of sharing the same sense of humour, reading each others' thoughts etc, he treats me like a princess and I don't want to lose him. Dilemma!

AARRRGH

amitotallymad wrote: »

Would it be crazy to think that we could have a long distance relationship and hopefully be together after a year?

Long distance relationships generally don't work, although I know two which have.

Sure give it a shot and see what happens. You don't really have much of a choice anyway.

LegacyUser

Well we could knock it on the head now and save future heartache. It's got to the stage where we're both very attached. We originally said we'd stay friends during the year and perhaps get back together if we were both single, and it sort of turned into, let's not be with other people.

dreamr

Personally I'm in a long distance relationship, and it's going great. we see each other about twice a month for a few days each time. Sometimes being appart can be really hard, but when your in love you'll do anything.

also I read this today:
http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_200/218b_dating_girl.html

and seriously long distance relationships arent that bad, so do it i say.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. Just to make it clear though, this is a REALLY long distance thing. As in, I might see him ONCE in the whole year. He's literally on the other side of the world. Twice a month seems like heaven to me now

dreamr

Oooh, right. I'm doing a Dublin - Liverpool thing.

the main thing is trust and communication. if you trust each other and can communicate anything then it will work.

I'm not going to see the other half of my heart til the 2nd of April, and I the last time I saw them was last Saturday. If you both really want it to work, you can make it work. Like its not like you can only communicate by snail mail, there is skype.. which is free..

I hope you the best.

yellowcurl

Take a chance, if it doesn't work you can at least say that you'd given it a go. You won't have any what-ifs in the future then.

Sammag

10 years ago, I dated a bloke years ago for nearly 3.5 years - the latter 1.5/2 of those were spent apart with him in the USA and me in Ireland.
He was moving over there for good or at least at the time had no real intentions on setting a date to come home.
He made the decision to go there pretty much on his own, I wasn't really a factor in his plans as his work was his main focus.
I knew this was a clear sign about how serious he took our relationship but I thought I was in love so declared I would "wait for him" - *cue Gone with the Wind style dramatic music...*

Long story short.. it didn't work for us because even though I would have stuck to my part of the plan, the new life experience he was living affected his want to continue a relationship. He was meeting new people, new blokes and girls etc.. I would start hearing all about these mad parties and people he was meeting - I started to feel very distanced from him and at times was very jealous. He said he wanted to make it work but when I found a condom in his wallet during one trip over to see him, I got the hint.. Whether he was actually doing anything was one thing but the whole thing just became a mess and trust was out the window. I actually ended up moving over for 6 months and I was dumped within the first 5 weeks.

In fairness to the OP, a year is not that long. But with the distances you mention I would be slightly dubious.
I think a lot may also depend on your ages. If he is young, and away on something like an Aussie year holiday/work visa with a pile of mates, meeting new people, living it up, no ties etc., it may be difficult to continue a serious one-on-one relationship with someone on the other side of the globe. It just boils down to how much you both really want it to succeed.
If you are both serious 100% there's no way you can't make it work. But if there's a doubt in one of your heads it may not have much of a leg to stand on. You'll need to get real clarity on this area from the outset.

It's worth a bash I guess - is there anyway you can set a date to meet up (if like you say you can only meet about once) in about 3 or 4 months?

LegacyUser

Well, I know he's definitely serious about me. He's the one who really wants to make it work, so I doubt he'd mess me around. He's 25 and I'm 23. He's not on an Aussie type holiday, he's working in a fairly serious job. He is partying quite a lot, but he's said he's not interested in being with anyone but me, and knowing him as I do, he's not the type to lie and BS. We've agreed that he meets someone new, he tells me, and I do the same. We've also agreed that silly random drunken kisses with others may be forgiven, as a year IS a long time but we don't want an 'open relationship' in the emotional/sexual sense. I guess it's hard as we're not together long at all, and people think we're crazy to still be 'together' in our situation, but right now I feel really good about it. The only worry I would have is that we'd get together after the year and realise we're actually not as compatible as we thought. I doubt that would happen but you never know.

It's worth a bash I guess - is there anyway you can set a date to meet up (if like you say you can only meet about once) in about 3 or 4 months?

Yes, I'll be going over in a few months for 3-4 weeks, and that would be the only time I saw him until he comes back in January. We talk regularly on Skype which is a lot better than relying on e-mails/texts.

Faith

My flatmate in first year was in Edinburgh on a year-abroad program from Australia. In about April of that year, she got together with someone. She moved back to Australia in August, but stayed with her girlfriend. Her gf went to visit her in February for a few weeks, and then they didn't see each other again for over a year, when my flatmate moved back to Edinburgh. They talked every day on Skype and are now living together happily over here.

So, yeah, it can work if you really want it to.

aguaclara

my partner and i did long-distance for six months when we hadn't been together for very long. it was a similar situation - i was in another country and he was in an even-further-away country and we didn't see each other at all the whole time. it was really hard, but it worked. that was three years ago and we're still very much together so it definitely didn't do any harm.

obviously, that's no guarantee that it would work for you as it's twice as long and you say your relationship had an uncertain start, but i think the key factors are commitment and honesty, and it sounds like you have those - you were friends beforehand, you think he's the one and he says he loves you and isn't interested in anyone else - so go for it! it'll hurt, but there aren't many cool people out there and if you find someone who's right for you, give it a shot. you've nothing to lose, and if you both want it to work, it will.

WithCheesePlease

I've done long distance twice - once Dublin / USA and the other time was Dublin / Cork. Neither time worked out. You rarely ever hear of it actually working out, and it's never easy. You just can't beat randomly seeing someone during the week for the cinema or a bite to eat or something. Nothing at all good can be said for long distance.

But if he's doing the whole year away thing you can't expect him not to stray, even if he doesn't mean to. And it would really take from his year and experience and all the rest too having to "report" back to you. No offence...

But maybe call a halt to it for now if ye can and see what happens when he gets back? Sounds impossible I know, but probably the best thing for it...

kevmy

Tbh it seems like it's too late to call a halt to it without some hurt feelings/regret. I'd advise giving it a go. It can do no harm. If it doesn't work out at least you tried. However if it does work out you'll probably come out the stronger for it.

Also while you've only been going out a short time you said he was a friend beforehand so I'm guessing you would know him pretty well and vise versa. So if you both reckon you are the type of people who can make it work then go for it. If you think one or both of you will stray pretty easily then maybe it's not worth the bother

But if he's doing the whole year away thing you can't expect him not to stray, even if he doesn't mean to.

I think that's rubbish. I know loads of people who have spent long periods away from their partners without straying. When I was on Erasmus, several of my good friends had boyfriends back home. You know it is possible to go out and have fun and enjoy yourself without cheating on your partner :rolleyes: