Should I tell him?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm going anonymous for this one and hopefully someone can offer me a bit of advice about the following.

About five years ago I met a guy(B) who I was highly attracted to. We kissed once but after that, I would not even consider kissing him as it turns out he had a girlfriend. I was still quite besotted by him. But I'd hate to cause hurt to someone else, even if it's someone I don't know. About a year later he added me on msn and we started chatting. We were able to talk easily etc.

As we were in different places at that stage, we didn't see each other for another three years (ie. last night). It was a last minute decision to meet up. And it was only supposed to be for one drink. But we just lost track of time and it ended up being after 3am. He lives a fair bit away from the center of town, so I said that he could sleep on my floor if he liked. There wasn't any public transport running at that time. My flat is tiny, with no living room/couch etc. My bed is fairly big, so he ended up in the other side of it.

I've been dating my boyfriend(A) for 1.5 years and it's a long distance relationship. We're mid twenties.Now, i have NEVER ever cheated on any partner before and hate the thought of cheating big time. And I'm in a bit of a moral dilemma on what happened last night. Before I continue, I must say that the guy (B) is someone that sort of got under my skin. At the time, i remember thinking I was never so attracted to someone. I met up with him last night, as I really didn't believe that attraction could still be there.

So in my bed, we didn't kiss. And we didn't have sex or anything. But he cuddled me. And there was a small bit of touching. We stopped though. I felt so guilty for being this attracted to another guy (as I usually am never this way when dating someone). I was after about 8 spirit type drinks and go drinking about once every two months and I was fairly tipsy!. I'm not going to blame drink though. We didn't fall alseep either. We stayed awake talking.

It's been almost a month since I've seen my boyfriend and I'll see him soon. I certainly won't be leaving it this long to see him next time. I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to say it to him, but I don't think that will do him any good. As I REALLY will never do this again. I'll never let a 'friend' into my bed innocently for fear of things escalating. Part of me wants to be honest with him. The guy (B), kept trying to kiss me and do more, but I refused him. I feel like such a hypocrite as last year my boyfriend and I had only been dating a few months and he cuddled up with a female friend. He told me that nothing happened. But I felt very hurt by it and we almost broke up.

Right now, up until this incident, I couldn't fault our relationship. So, would I be awful if I didn't tell him as I really do not want to hurt my boyfriend to ease my own guilt?

Terodil

Whenever you ask the question 'should I tell my gf/bf' the answer is yes.

Yes, you must tell your BF. Do not keep this a secret. It will only keep you burdened, he might find out through yourself or other ways, and imagine the damage done then.

Tell him exactly what you told us. He'll probably be hurt, and need some time to think about it, but considering that he went through a similar incident in the past, he will be able to relate and see how much you love him and how much he loves you.

In relationships, honesty is the way to go. If you don't tell him this, you'll deal a severe blow to the most essential basis love can have: mutual trust. If you cannot even maintain trust on your side, how can you expect a similar thing from him? Don't go down the route 'but it won't help him'. No of course it won't in the first place but you have maneuvered yourself into that position and you need to steer clear immediately.

Ghost Train

Well do you see yourself ever telling your boyfriend, might be more difficult for you to explain it the longer you leave it. Only you can decide if its right to tell your boyfriend. If you really care about your boyfriend you should probably break all ties with the other guy.

MagicMarker

Seeing as your boyfriend told you about the incident you should at least return the favour.

In future, don't be such a massive prick teaser. I mean, come on!!! ''Oh, you can sleep on my floor''... ''Oh, on second thoughts, why not sleep in my bed?''... ''don't kiss me!!!''.

You really need to think long and hard about your relationship.

LegacyUser

I have to agree, regardless of the fact that you never kissed/had sex/etc, what you did was wrong. If I found out that my g/f had another guy staying in her house at all (who wasn't a close friend), never mind in her bedroom and cuddling her, I would want to know what the hell was going on - it's totally inappropriate.

You need to question why you are telling your boyfriend - is it to relieve your guilt? Because from reading your post, you don't actually sound that guilty or feel it was wrong. If that's the case, then perhaps your boyfriend isn't the one for you.

LegacyUser

I wish people would stop using drink as an excuse or partly as an excuse for their actions. I know you said your not using it as an excuse but you are because you mentioned it! I have been completly pissed off my head lots of times and had girls throw themselves at me and I have never once entertained the idea no matter how attracted I was to them....simply because I'm not a dickhead and would never do something to hurt somebody i loved or do something I wouldnt like done to me!

If nothing happened and you can live without telling your boyfriend then dont. If you were my girlfriend I would probably rather I wasnt told because I would dump you over that....a bit extreme maybe but everyone has their own set of morals and what they would put up with in a relationship. Then again Im not your boyfriend and he has done something similar in the past so he may be able to forgive you.

vinnyryan

MagicMarker wrote: »

Seeing as your boyfriend told you about the incident you should at least return the favour.

In future, don't be such a massive prick teaser. I mean, come on!!! ''Oh, you can sleep on my floor''... ''Oh, on second thoughts, why not sleep in my bed?''... ''don't kiss me!!!''.

You really need to think long and hard about your relationship.

Completely agree with Magic Maker but think you have to ask yourself some very important questions about your relationship with your boyfriend - is it fulfilling enough by the comparable potental of Mr. New Guy? BE HONEST with yourself!

Lastly, I don't think you should tell your boyfriend (whether your stay together or break up) BUT you should see this as a loud alarm bell as you are on the verge of MY INTERPREATION of cheating. Others might have folded whilst you didnt - this might help you answering though you might just have very good will power.

To be honest sounds to me like you were hanging on to the night to continue and if so maybe you should be single.

Best Wishes

DeCoR18

People really need to ask if they should tell the truth? Yeah of course you should wtf.

vinnyryan

Unregistered wrote: »

I wish people would stop using drink as an excuse or partly as an excuse for their actions. I know you said your not using it as an excuse but you are because you mentioned it! I have been completly pissed off my head lots of times and had girls throw themselves at me and I have never once entertained the idea no matter how attracted I was to them....simply because I'm not a dickhead and would never do something to hurt somebody i loved or do something I wouldnt like done to me!

If nothing happened and you can live without telling your boyfriend then dont. If you were my girlfriend I would probably rather I wasnt told because I would dump you over that....a bit extreme maybe but everyone has their own set of morals and what they would put up with in a relationship. Then again Im not your boyfriend and he has done something similar in the past so he may be able to forgive you.

Drink is not her excuse - reread the ladys post OP

LegacyUser

whattodo123 wrote: »

It was after about 8 spirit type drinks and I go drinking about once every two months and I was fairly tipsy!. I'm not going to blame drink though.

Its practically the same as saying "Im not going to blame drink......BUT....!!!". As I said, the fact she even mentions she had 8 spirits, goes drinking once every two months and was fairly tipsy is her suggesting that it may have in some way been partly responsible for her actions that night. If she didnt think this then why mention she was drinking at all.

pseudonym1

I get the impression from your post that you feel what happened is justified.

I have only ever been on the recieving end of such an incident but I can imagine the intense rush of excitment and attraction. This is a bad sign although you thought your relationship was faultless, not seeing each other is obviously taking its toll. You need to make clear why you put yourself in this situation.
Did you tell your boyfriend yo were meeting up with this guy?
You say he lives miles away- why, then did you both stay drinking and what about taxis? Did you want him to stay?

I guess if you dont see each other often it could easily slip your mind in telling him- but at the risk of total honesty. Id say tell and be honest but depends on individuals involved.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for the replies. I told him. I'm glad I did.
I didn't feel I justified myself because he had had done a similar thing last year. But it turns out that he figured it wasn't so bad, as he will never feel bad again about what he did. I think everything is going to be ok. I've definitely learned a huge lesson here.