Am I with my boyfriend cos I'm scared to be alone?

LegacyUser

Sorry if this becomes a bit rambly, it's 2am and i've been out all night with friends and my boyfriend but yet I suddenly feel I really need to talk to strangers about this, cos I can't talk to anyone else about it.

Trying to keep this short... I'm with my boyfriend about a year. I started seeing him about 3 months after my last boyfriend finished with me. He (my ex) was the love of my life - we were only together less than 3 years, but we were living together and I really thought we'd get married and have babies etc. However, the last year that we were together went really badly (for numerous reasons, which I've agonised over at length) and by the end it was just horrible. I did something he couldn't forgive (kissed somebody else) and I still kill myself with guilt and anger at having thrown away that relationship, even if it was on the rocks anyway, because of my own stupidity and selfishness.

Anyway, I guess the fact that I've spent the first 200 words of this post talking about my ex are pretty appropriate. My current boyfriend, who was a friend I met just as I was breaking up with my ex, has been great in certain respects. I find many things about him wonderful - many things that were wrong with my ex are not wrong with him, but at the same time, many things that were wonderful about my ex just aren't there with my current boyfriend. I'm certainly not as in love with him as I was with my ex - sometimes I feel I love him, and I tell him I love him, but sometimes I feel I'm only with him cos I needed somewhere to pour the love I had for my ex, cos i needed to have a boyfriend in my life, and cos I'm scared to be alone.

I don't live in Ireland at the moment, I live in a kinda ****ty place where I don't speak the language and I don't have too many friends. My job is increasingly unsatisfactory, but I have no prospects to fnd another one at the moment (I've been trying to move home ever since my ex and I split up, but to no avail). I guess I feel I'm lucky to have my boyfriend, who is good company, great in bed, dependable, etc. But it's just not the same as it was with my ex, I don't feel this future together which I did with my ex.

I suppose the truth is I'm just not over my ex, but do I have to be alone to get over him? I don't know if I feel strong enough to be alone, not in a place where I don't have my girlfriends around me to pick me up and help me through. And at the same time, I wonder am I being unduly harsh on this new boyfriend, who really is a great guy in so many ways, but simply can not fill the shoes of my ex?

Sorry, I warned you this would be a rambling one. Thanks for reading, if you're still here. Appreciate any advice / hugs / slaps in the face.

Kirnsy

Unsure & alone wrote: »

Sorry if this becomes a bit rambly, it's 2am and i've been out all night with friends and my boyfriend but yet I suddenly feel I really need to talk to strangers about this, cos I can't talk to anyone else about it.

I don't live in Ireland at the moment, I live in a kinda ****ty place where I don't speak the language and I don't have too many friends. My job is increasingly unsatisfactory, but I have no prospects to fnd another one at the moment (I've been trying to move home ever since my ex and I split up, but to no avail). I guess I feel I'm lucky to have my boyfriend, who is good company, great in bed, dependable, etc. But it's just not the same as it was with my ex, I don't feel this future together which I did with my ex.

I suppose the truth is I'm just not over my ex, but do I have to be alone to get over him? I don't know if I feel strong enough to be alone, not in a place where I don't have my girlfriends around me to pick me up and help me through. And at the same time, I wonder am I being unduly harsh on this new boyfriend, who really is a great guy in so many ways, but simply can not fill the shoes of my ex?

Sorry, I warned you this would be a rambling one. Thanks for reading, if you're still here. Appreciate any advice / hugs / slaps in the face.

IMO you're current boyf is a rebound and you should get rid of.

you are right : you are not over your ex but you cannot force it. it will happen with time. however it is both slowing down that process and incredibly unfair to your current boyfriend to stay in this dead end relationship. because thats what it is if you are constantly thinking about your ex.

you are strong enough to do it alone and you should for both your sake and the guy you are with.

Wibbs

Kirnsy wrote: »

IMO you're current boyf is a rebound and you should get rid of.

I would agree. There's all sorts of talk about rebounds and what they are, but I reckon the simplest definition is a situation where there are three people in the relationship. You, your current partner and an ex. The ex doesn't even have to be in your life anymore, but the thought of them is. In your case the comparison. There is always going to be a little overlap. That's inevitable, but there's a point that comes when it's unhealthy. I think you've reached this point. It's a very common one too. I can think of 2 people in your pretty much exact situation at this moment. I can think of a few others going back in memory.

Too many people are with others from the fear of being alone and it's one of the big reasons people rebound and it's one of the big reasons people end up in unhealthy relationships too.

It's understandable, especially if you've little or no support system around you. It's also understandable after a really heavy duty love(If I ruled the world:) I would make people stay single for six months after a heavy duty love). The deep feelings you had and then lost leave a vacuum in your emotions that makes it very tempting to replace that with something new.

That works for a while, especially if the new person fills some of the gaps the ex didn't and you needed in the ex. It works for a while because of the excitement and novelty and passion and attention of the new person. It works for a while from guilt and shock that the previous relationship went south, because you tend to put more effort into the new relationship to compensate. You can overlook what's "wrong" with the new relationship in an effort to prove to yourself you can make one work and find yourself trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Rebounds tend to get overly serious overly quickly. A pretty sure indication if other things are in play. That's fine, but then all too often when the honeymoon period is over, you see what you feel you're missing(and IMHO in rebounds that happens quicker, just like the initial passion did).

What to do? Well you recognise it as a problem and that's a good thing. I've known people to even marry rebounds. Not good. I would say try to come home to Ireland. Get a bit of distance, between you, the current fella, the country you're in now, as that situation is bound to exaggerate these feelings.

Then see how you feel. With the support of your friends and family you should be freer to explore your true feelings. At this point it's not really about your love for the ex. If you loved him enough and he you, it would be still going. If he's not in your life at all now, then that says something. If he still is then makes it more complex and your confusion will be even stronger.

It's now and always was about you and what is healthy for you. Sounds selfish? I don't think so. People are often selfish, but usually to their detriment. Generally when people figure out what's healthy for them, they find a solution that's healthy for those in their lives, including partners, exes, friends and family.

My 2 cents anyhoo