Doing Business in Ireland- A Guide to Oirsh Finances

jochenstacker

There may be those amongst you who did a bit of business studies, or just generally picked up some bits and pieces along the way through magazines, books or the business section of the press.
The laws of supply and demand, how to calculate your costbase and therefore your profit margin, to charge the least amount you can in order to increase your customer base...
Having lived in Ireland a few years now I realized that business here is conducted by "Special" rules.
Sure, don't our union leaders and politicians always remind us that we can't just do business like anyone else on the planet, that the rules that guide business throughout the world somehow don't apply here.
So here it is: The first guide on how to conduct business in Ireland:

1: Toll Roads: Calculate a fair price as based on best international practice. Calculate the number of people who are likely to be put off by paying a toll and will use rat runs instead. (Who cares that this undermines the very basis under which the road was built in the first place- According to Aer Lingus, along with many others, profit is the holy grail and B all and end all of Oirish Business)
Calculate how to get the same gross total from fewer cars by adding the difference onto the ticket price+20%. (Never hurts to get an extra 20% for free, sure nobody cares)
That way the ones who do use it, pay for the ones who don't!

2: Economics of scale: The more you buy, the more you pay! Sure it's only sensible, that stuff doesn't shift itself around, don't you know. Would cost me less to store 1 kg of the stuff rather than 10 tons, it should only be fair you pay more!
And if you buy less: Of course you pay more, I have all these warehouses, they cost me the same regardless of what I sell.
Always make the excuse fit the situation!

3: Supply and demand: If your business goes down by 20%, increase prices by 20%!
Sure it's only fair, i gotta make a living at the end of the day!

4: Subcontracting for government or other large scale building project:
Hire the most expensive contractor (i.e. your cousin or other relative), who, in turn, will hire whatever company put in the lowest bid in the first place. Calculate like this: Amount for work carried out by cheapest subcontractor. Take that amount, and triple it.
One third for each party involved. Result: On a project that costs €1m, add a million for yourself and a million for your cousin, everybody wins and champagne all round!
Sure, there's a lot of people who have to put bread on the table and besides the world owes me one!

5: Competition: Calculate the cost of customer to buy 1 item from competition (shipping, other charges), then add to the cost of your goods, plus 20%. (Never hurts to get an extra 20% for free, sure nobody cares)
In case you're selling bulk items en masse: Refer back to point 2!

6: Never offer anything exciting, different, better or cheaper than anyone else. This is the worst sin you can commit in Irish retail!
Irish customers are so used to being ripped off, that if anyone does any of the above, they immediately become suspicious, cagey, even confused and angry.
The average customer will assume that you're:
A: Selling stolen, defective or otherwise dodgy goods.
B: Are laundering money under the guise of having a "legitimate" business, or C: have lost your marbles and cannot be trusted.

7: If you cannot compete under the above terms, make sure to squirrel as much money away as possible without anyone noticing and once the coffers have been emptied, declare bankruptcy.
Once you are bankrupt, you don't owe anyone dick and if your business is large enough you might even receive state handouts!
Make sure to squirrel those away as well before scuttling your company and getting yourself off on an extended vacation somewhere sunny.

Because (and this is the most important point of them all, the very foundation upon which Irish business is built)-

8: Once You Have Their Money- Never Give It Back! and of course:
8b: If You Don't Like It-F**K Off!

jaffa20

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