How can I find out if he's lying?

LegacyUser

Hey guys.
Decided to go unreg'd for this one.
This is probably going to be a little bit long winded but sure here goes.
I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago. Things have been pretty good between us the past year, no major fights and we get on like a house on fire. Saying that I'm unsure if the problem i'm about to outline is due to me being afraid to commit to the relationship or whether i'm genuinely upset about it.

.... when he first met me he was BIG into hash, Smoking it very regular. I have never smoked it in my life. I had no problem with it being used behind my back so to speak but i wasnt happy about it being smoked in front of me. He told me there a while ago he has given it up and i was delighted. Now i didnt ask him to and never would have but he said it was for his health. I have believed him up until recently when i found out that he had been buying hash not only for himself but others. I went mad because he could be arrested for that?
He promised me like there was no tomorrow that it had stopped months before hand when he gave up the hash and i had to believ him.
Since then he has kept his phone pretty close to him, he gets calls where he'll leave the room and be cagey about speaking infront of me. If i ask him who it was he'll say "an old friend" He seems to have a good few "old friends"
on the way to his friends house the other day i could smell hash off him. i think he was bringing some over to his friend. Now i know i chickened out and should have said something there and then but we were in a taxi and i didnt want the taxi to hear me ask him. also i didnt want to cause a scene in his friends house between us.
now i know i should have said it when i came home but i was hoping to try and get some proper proof before i go accusing him.
If he was telling the truth about giving it all up then i would completely ruin things by not trusting him,
in saying that i suppose i am not trusting him and looking for signs and probably making things into"proof" when they are completely innocent.
I sound completely paranoid and i dont know what to do. What my problem is i completely believed him when he told me he wasnt doing it anymore...now if he was lying to me how can i ever believe him.
I want to look at his phone but he keeps it pretty close to him. I know its not right to look at his phone but i would stake my life on it that id find the proof i needed on it. In saying that how can you demand to look at his phone and sure if i did see it on the sly how can i say that i looked at his phone??

sry about the long nature of this
Any constructive help would be appreciated.... and yes i know im acting crazy,this is why im asking for help.....

Kevster

Hi,

The fact that he has not told you sets a bad precedent for the relationship in the future. I mean, if he is attempting to conceal this from you (and 'gets away with it'), then he has learned that he can get away with other things too. It could be that he is just ashamed to admit that he is still addicted to the hash, but that's not god enough an excuse.

You must stand-up for yourself and not put this off. Confront him about it, but don't be ambiguous or giv him the chance to deny it. For example, don't say: "Are you still smoking hash?". If you ask that, then he will obviously deny it. If, however, you instead say: "I know that you are smoking hash again and I want to know why you didn't tell me". If he still denies this, then just leave.

Kevin

IRISH RAIL

do you have a prolem with him smoking it ?
or is it purely the lying a lot of people give up ciggarettes then slyly go bck on them while telling there partner they are still off them sometimes it is because they are ashamed to admit they have failed the attempt.
sometimes it is peer pressure where his mates are saying go on what does she own you. there could be another reason that he didnt want to tell you.
however and here is the big thing i think you could be missing
He is dealing yes he could be arrested for it he may just say its only a little bit for an "old friend" my arse its naieve to think anything other than he is a drug dealer.
do you really want to be assosiated with someone like that?

Terodil

* stay away from his phone
* confront him, like Kevster said, do not back down on this
* tell him that you are worried about his dealing with drugs and that you don't want to be involved, so it's 'the drugs or you'
- if he chooses the drugs, well, then you know
- if he chooses you, then ask him how he plans to get away from them and why you should trust him
* once that's cleared, and if you want to, offer him your help and try to figure out *why* he is doing all that crap. Is it financial issues? Is it addiction, etc. etc.? If so you may figure out a solution that doesn't involve drugs.

yellowcurl

If he is dealing drugs, you could get yourself into serious trouble by being with him while he's transporting it etc. Don't put yourself into that situation. I'm sure alot of dealers girlfriends have used the "I kind of knew about it but i wasn't happy about it" excuse. It probably didn't do them too much good either.

If you find out he is dealing, cut your losses. Also if you are living together, get out. We all hear about the people who lived in the houses where drugs were stored on the news, do you want to be one of those people?

cowzerp

It sounds like he could be a dealer tbh!

BanjoSpanner

Hello.

Doesn't matter if he's lying or not. Whatever about his own personal use of the weed, from what you've said, if he is not already then he is on the road to being a dealer.

The question you should be asking yourself is do you want to be a part of that life ? Wondering where he is, what he's doing, who he's associating with, will bullets start coming in through the front door.

Life's too short for that. Leave him now, break all contact and count yourself lucky you didn't get sucked in before it was too late.

This is a no brainer, seriously.

AARRRGH

People who need to get intoxicated on a daily basis have serious emotional problems. Why else do the need to constantly escape from reality?

Top this off with him acting very weird about his phone and you have got some serious trust issues. He's either cheating or up to no good.

Have some self respect and dump this loser.

kevrf90

Or............

You could do a few waterfalls and get stoned with him
Bit of crack!:D:D:D

dudara

kevrf90

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dudara

estar

any drug use = deal breaker. its illegal in this country. also, this scenario sounds like too much hassle. either accept his drug use, and live with it, or get rid of him as he doesnt sound like he wants to change. you can save yourself at minimum a few months of wrecking your own head running around after him, smelling him for hash, checking his phone and all that. if you dont like hash and being around drug use, and people who do that kind of thing, which i personally would not, then dont go out with him.

i would avoid anyone who was as into this as him, as i would just annoy him and him me - i have better things to do than change boyfriends, and i think you should have as well. it would be different if he had asked for your help to give up. he hasnt hes an adult, if you dont like his choices get out. dont try and change men from when you meet them, or accept or rely on promises for change as 99.99% of the time you wont change them and they wont change until they want to for themselves which you have no control over.

pseudonym1

Smoking dope relaxes a lot of people.
Lying is not good - perhaps you could come to an agreement - maybe condone smoking one joint a day not in your presence.

Its kinda like buying a pair of shoes costing a fortune when you are both saving for something or money is tight. Then say they were on sale/ in wardrobe for ages.

He will probably grow out of this - but if everything else is perfect Id say take it for what it is - his vice.

LegacyUser

ok, first of all some of the posts in this thread are totally OTT and people would want to be very naive to believe some of them.

someone has already mentioned this but I smoke cigarettes and every so often I'll attempt to give up, sometimes I'll last a couple of weeks and end up back on them and when I do I'll smoke on the sly for a few days before telling my gf. It can be quite hard to admit defeat. you've set out to do something for yourself/your health, your doing well and then all of a sudden your back smoking because of your own weakness. its not that easy to put your hands up and say I'm weak/I failed and given the chance most people won't. So its quite possible he gave it up for a while and has since started smoking it again and as you say he doesn't smoke it in front of you it may have been quite easy for him to conceal it. Best thing to do is ask him has he started smoking it again, if he says yes I wouldn't be too hard on him but try and encourage him to give up again. If he says no then its really up to you whether you believe him or not.

to the posters that are damning this guy as a drug dealer, get a grip, yes buying weed for yourself and getting a bit extra for your friends can technically be classed as drug dealing but you'ld want to be very very unfortunate to be charged for something like that and as for bullets flying through the door............??? do you honestly believe that everybody that buys,sells or uses drugs are gunning toting gangsters just waiting to shoot someone? my advice to you: put down the red topped newspaper, turn of the soap operas, open your front door, walk outside, open your eyes, see that in front of you? no? look harder! yes the world/life................... experience it.