Hopeless about partner's alcoholism

Camomille

I feel like I'm at the end of my tether. I'm sitting here balling my eyes out after having read lots of posts from people wondering if they are alcoholics and getting answers from people that know they are. My partner is an alcoholic and it has gotten to a stage where I'm in despair. I just can't take the pain anymore. It kills me watching him destroy himself, it is such a waste of a life. The constant worry, the promises, the hope and then the disappointment, the anger, the frustration, I can't do it anymore. I want him to be okay. To be happy, but there is nothing I can do, and I feel so helpless and it hurts so much. He keeps saying he wants to stop. He says he wants to go into rehab. He's been to a couple of AA meetings, but just now he is somewhere out there drinking an he is most likely not coming home. He's been to the GP and been given anti anxiety tablets to help him come off the booze, but he took those but still drank. I realise that the alcohol has taken control over him, I know he is in pain himself and I know that only he himself can pull himself out of this. I just don't know how much longer I can wait for this to happen. Does he really want help, or is he just saying it to keep me and his family happy? I think I've been in denial for a long time myself, but I'm not coping very well lately. I can't handle the stress anymore. Truth is, I am really scared. I just feel really really low right now, waiting for him to come home, kind of hoping he won't because he will be drunk talking crap all night and drowning in self-pity, but being worried where he is and if he is ok. I just don't know what to do anymore.

aare

Can I send you a gigantic hug?

I first went through this with a guy when I was only 16...must be a slow learner too, because the last time I went through it I was 34, and that wasn't too recently either...so I do learn eventually...

You love this guy, but when he drinks, the guy you love goes away, and some *thing* takes his place...and all you want is for the *thing* to go away and stay away, so you can share your life with the guy you love.

I can't promise you that there is a way to make that happen, there may not be...you need to accept that. The only thing you can control is what happens to *YOU*.

...and you are going to have to do that some day, today might work very well.

A good first step is to get in touch with al-anon I don't agree with everything about AA and al-anon, but you will meet other people who have been through it all, and had to learn how to let go and take care of themselves.

I think you should consider a seperation too, even just temporarily, to give you a chance to think things out...

I so feel for you tonight...

Dizzyblonde

My heart goes out to you. My father was like that all his life and now he's in his 70s he'll still do it when he has the money. I know what it's like to dread the turn of a key in the door because there'd be arguments about his drinking, him wallowing in self-pity about what a raw deal he had etc. It's like living on an emotional rollercoaster.
I think it's time for you to look after yourself and your kids, if you have any. Coming from such a background I have very strong opinons about the fact that nobody has the right to inflict this sort of life on their kids.
Your husband has to want to give up drinking, and he may have to hit rock bottom in order for this to happen. As long as you cook for him, look after him etc while he's still drinking, you're enabling him to continue. And the years will fly past without anything changing.
Besides, you deserve a better life and some good times too. My advice is to tell him you want to separate until he sorts himself out. It will help him to focus, and it will give you a breather.
Please look after yourself, hopefully he'll get help and you'll get back the man you love.
(((Hugs)))

iguana

aare wrote: »

A good first step is to get in touch with al-anon I don't agree with everything about AA and al-anon, but you will meet other people who have been through it all, and had to learn how to let go and take care of themselves.

I want to second this. I also don't agree with a lot of AA ideology but Al-Anon can be very helpful, just to meet other people who are or have been where you are. Sometimes just being able to share how you're feeling with others can be a huge help.

Camomille

Thank you all so much for your kind words, I really just needed to let it all out. It's a real battle for me. We're not married, and we don't have kids. We have a house together and I might have to face carrying it on my own, including the negative equity. But this is not about money, this is about coming to terms with watching someone I love destroying themselves. Again. My mother was an alcoholic. A level drinker. I remember the day she died like it was yesterday. After years of alcohol abuse,she died at age 52, shrunken down to a shell of her former self. She died from multiple organ failure. After two rehabs and multiple hospital admissions. It's just that I can see this road so mapped out ahead of him, and I don't want this to happen to him. I know I can't help, I'm just so so sad, and I can't believe that this is happening again. I suppose in one way it helped me to understand my mother better. And my father, why he had to leave... Alcoholism is so complicated, my heart goes out to all the alcoholics that are trapped and that suffer. At least I have his family on my side and I get lots of support from his mum. We're just all exhausted at this stage. I might go to Al Anon, I'm not sure if I'm ready for it yet. I had thought about posting here for a long time, but I was never really in the right frame of mind, at least I've taken that step and it helps to just say how I feel and get all those hugs.

Zaph

OP, the good news is that you've made it over the first step - you've got past the denial and recognised that your partner has a problem and you need help because of it. My brother-in-law is an alcoholic, and for years my sister hid it from the rest of the family. They have two kids and his drinking was literally tearing their family apart, but rather than come to us for help she denied there was a problem until it got to the stage where she couldn't cope any more with the lying and thieving to feed his addiction. You're lucky, you have his family to lean on, make the most of that. Like your partner my brother-in-law kept saying he wanted to stop, but even after being hospitalised a couple of times due to pancreatitus and developing diabetes he just kept on drinking. He'd go into rehab and check himself out a day or two later. It got to the stage where he was told he wouldn't be accepted any more. In the end she threw him out so she could get on with the rest of her life. She still loved her husband almost up until she did that, but in the end he wore her down and she realised it was what she should have done years previously for everyone's sake, including his. After literally ending up on the streets he finally checked himself into a programme and is by all accounts doing a lot better. I don't think he's completely quit, but it's not an overnight process. My sister has also moved on and has met another guy and she's enjoying life again for the first time in years.

Now I'm not saying that you need go to the lengths my sister did and throw your partner out, but what I am saying is that there is support available and you should make the most of it. Don't let things build up to the stage where throwing him out is the only option left available to you. Try to get into the right frame of mind to attend an Al-Anon meeting and speak to others who have been through what you are experiencing. You've already said you needed to get it all out and doing so has helped, just think how much better that would be if you could unburden yourself amongst people who could give you real hugs if you needed them. And if you can't do that just yet, well we're always here for you.

username123

Camomille wrote: »

I might go to Al Anon, I'm not sure if I'm ready for it yet. I had thought about posting here for a long time, but I was never really in the right frame of mind, at least I've taken that step and it helps to just say how I feel and get all those hugs.

Hi Op - first of all - well done. You admitting that there is a real problem is a massive step for you and the first step on YOUR recovery.
I cant recommend Alanon strongly enough. Look at it this way, its only an hour once a week, and if you dont dig it - you dont have to go. So you only need to commit to 1 hour to see what you think.

My father was an alcoholic and for many years I was in denial, I tried everything to help him, rang every organisation you could imagine, the answers kept coming back to ME going to Alanon - of course I couldnt see the point, its wasnt my problem right? Anyway eventually after a very traumatic episode where I really felt I only had the choice of suicide (for me) or murder (for him) as the way out of the situation I went to an Alanon meeting. That was 6 years ago. My life changed completely. I wish I had gone years before. I wasted a lot of time and made myself very sick with stress over the years. Im a regular meeting goer still.

I dont know where you are in the country but if you want to pm me I will give you details of a local Alanon meeting to you, time and place and at least if you had that info on the back burner you could go at short notice without having to go to the trouble of finding it out when youre in a bad way.

If you are not ready to go yet keep posting here - you need all the support you can get.

My heart goes out to you.

Camomille

Thanks guys for all your responses. I do feel better today, I think I had a melt down yesterday and the stress got too much. I've decided not to let it all get to me that much and not to keep waiting on miracles anymore. The Al Anon thing, just the thought of going there scares the hell out of me, it's like I'm one of "them", one of those unfortunate people that have an alcoholic in their lives. This probably doesn't make sense, since I know I'm one of them... I'll see. I've checked when and where there are meetings, but I think it will be a while yet before I can go to one... Thanks for all your help!

aare

Good decisions...

...and try to remember, you aren't "one of them" at all, you are just, truly, "one of us"...

mazcon

I have been married to an alcoholic for the last 16 years so I understand how you are feeling. I too felt lonely, isolated and frustrated with the way my life was turning out. Living with an alcoholic is almost impossible if you are trying to cope on your own. They are masters of manipulation and can make you believe that everything is all your fault.......lack of money,mortgage not paid, his stress etc etc all your fault!!!!
I started going to Alanon 7 years ago. Alanon is similar to AA but it is for the family and friends of alcoholics. The first thing I heard that stuck with me was the "3 c s".... I didn't cause his alcoholism, I couldn't control it and I couldn't cure it. To finally be able to give up the illusion of control over another adult's behaviour was fantastic. I had tied myself in knots trying to stop him drinking and nothing had worked. I was worn out and ready to collapse. Alanon helped me to turn my focus back onto my own life where it belonged.
About 18 months after I started going to meetings, my dh went into a treatment centre. 7 months later ( the week before christmas) he went on a bender. The next year was 2 months sober followed by a week long bender 2months sober etc. I started seperation proceedings and fully intended to follow them through but he gradually got his act together and got into AA. He has had a few bad relapses since but he is genuinely trying to stay sober and our life has changed beyond recognition.
My only advice to you is to get help for you. If you want to leave do but make sure it is for the right reasons. If you are only doing it to shock him into getting sober, it won't work. If there is no violence in your relationship you can afford to wait a while before you make a decision, it took time for things to get this bad and it will take time to sort them out. Try Alanon and keep an open mind. I was sure I would no longer be with my dh but I am so grateful that things have worked out the way they did. I fully accept that my dh suffers from a disease BUT his continued sobriety is his responsibility and he knows that I will not go back to the way things were, I've come too far!
Take care of yourself, an alcoholic relationship is a lonely place to be. There is help there for you so get it and you will never look back.
Take care xx

Camomille

Thanks for your supportive posts. I am in two minds about what to do. His mother suggested I should tell him to move in with them for a while to give us both a breather and for him to realise what he is gambling with. He is not violent at all, not remotely, he is more a kind of an introvert shy person that becomes uninhibited, funny and everyones best friend when he gets drunk, and he is surrounded by friends who are all heavy drinkers and some of them I'm sure are alcoholics themselves. I don't want to give up hope that there is still a way for us, but I do realise that I can't put my life on hold until he has sorted out his. And you're right, I've tried to control his drinking, getting nowhere. I never felt I caused it and I never thought I could cure it, but I suppose I always hoped I could make him see sense, make him want to. I tried all different approaches from being totally understanding, to being passive to being harsh, I came to realise that it doesn't matter what I do as the only person who can do something is him. Thanks for all your support, it feels good to talk.

username123

Hi OP.
wow - when you said about not wanting to be 'one of them' I totally understood where you were coming from. I felt like that before I started going to meetings as well. And the first one I was bawling my head off because it made it so 'real' to be in a room full of people who also had an alcoholic in their lives.

Incidently I didnt say a word in my first meeting, you can literally go in and sit at the back quietly and leg it at the end without interacting if you want to.

The horrible thing about alcoholism is that its impossible to understand why the alcoholic cant see what they are doing to your life, to your familys life and all the promises that get broken etc... You end up going into an obsessive zone where youre watching everything they do, trying to head off a binge, trying to make them see sense, trying to avert a crisis, its very very stressful, and very very exhausting - and not healthy for you.

But unfortunately the only person who's behaviour you can control is your own, the alcoholic will do whatever it is they want to do and there is nothing you can do to change that.

With the very best of intentions those of us affected by someone elses alcoholism start enabling - as a sheer survival mechanism. And you dont realise youre doing it.

A nice thing about Alanon is that you hear from people in very similiar situations and it helps to know that youre not alone in dealing with it. You also see and meet people at different stages of recovery so it gives a lot of hope for the future.

I dont even 'need' to go anymore, my alcoholic is dead a number of years - but I like going. It still helps to have a place to go full of emotional support.

I really feel for you and what you are going through - its the most horrible experience I ever went through. I still have nightmares about it.

The best advice I can give to you is to look after yourself. About getting him to move in with his mother - thats still only moving the problem around and not doing anything to actually help heal you - it still puts a roof over his head and maybe even makes it easier for him to drink cos he isnt coming home to you being annoyed etc... You actually have to allow them to hit their personal rock bottom, enabling them by offering them different choices doesnt help in the long run.

A lot of times when people go to Alanon their behaviour starts to change and the alcoholic realises that this persons life is changing and sees them getting some recovery and they get scared if the person gets healthy enough they will be strong enough to leave the alcoholic and then they decide its time for them to get help too. Its about breaking a cycle of behaviours - over time you have slipped into a particular role in your alcoholics life, if you change your role - he may change his too.

I realise Im harping on a bit about Alanon - but believe me, its only because I tried everything else and ended up hospitalised myself from the stress and nothing worked. It was Alanon that saved me, so I want to share that with you so that it can save you as well.

If Im harping on too much just tell me to shut up
Ill still give support to you because I relate to the situation you are in.

LegacyUser

I know this will sound heartless, but you should really consider leaving your boyfriend.

Being a partner to an alcoholic is a constant battle and one that will never end as long as you're together. My father was an alcoholic and was off the wagon so many times it destroyed her. Anytime he went out, she had the fear that he could end up in the pub for the day. Then there were the fights about his drinking. While he never got physically abusive, some of the comments he made broke her heart. As a child, I had lots of good moments with my father, but equally, had lots of awful ones (everyone in town knowing my father was an alcoholic, not having any family on the fathers side because he drove them away with his drunken behaviour, etc).

While my parents did love each other, when my father died, my mother admitted that it was the biggest relief of her life. The burden of spending 45 years supporting and caring for an alcoholic left her with no quality of life. If she had the chance to live her life again she even said that she would not have married my dad. To be honest, I don't blame her.

xniamhx

al anon is the first thing that came to mind also, especially if youre staying with him it will really help you deal with the multiple downs he will bring you to.

My real suggestion would be to get out while youre still young. These people may be sick and in need of help, but theyre also soul destroying. My father is an alcoholic [5 years in recovery at this stage]. He worked abroad for alot of my childhood but he came home fulltime when I was 10 and only went into recovery when i was 17. He completely destroyed and destabalised the loving family my mother had been building while he was working abroad.
Now that im 21 I have huge anger about all the 'lost years' as it were. Because the years fly by and youre continously living HIS LIFE, waiting for HIS next abusive episode, waiting for HIM to get into recovery. And then when he finally gets through the recovery process, its like the bubble has been burst and youre mentally & emotionally ****ed. An awful lot of other things happened to me during those years because of the neglect, and everyone focusing on him they never realised what was happening to me, or they presumed I was completely messed up purely because of his alcoholism. My point is that alcohol is a curse and it destroys families in every way it possibly can.

It can be a vicious cycle, and like you, my mothers' mother is an alcoholic so like you she grew up knowing how to be the 'enabler'...[but my grandmother is a funtional alcoholic in complete denial, and possibly the most emotionally abusive person i will ever encounter]. I think that can happen often where children of alcoholics go on to marry alcoholics themselves. Interestinginly though, sometimes when I attend meetings its not my father I hear other people describing, its my grandmother. Its no surprise that when my mum met my father she actually thought HE was normal! My advice to you would be to break the cycle. Dont allow yourself to go through the years of misery no matter how much you love him. And definetely dont allow yourself to have children with this man.

Camomille

Thanks for all the posts. At the moment I'm too exhausted to make major decisions, but I've at least moved on from a total state of denial to a battle between disbelief, hope and fear. Once I'm through that I hopefully I'll have the strength to walk out and start afresh.

Dizzyblonde

Take it one step at a time and look after yourself. Good luck

Camomille

Hi Folks, 2 months later and we've split and he's moved in with his mother. Now I'm all alone and realise that I have nothing of my own life left because I've spent all my time living his. So I'm feeling very alone and totally heartbroken. I'm grieving the man I once knew, the future I had hoped for and I'm scared stiff of being by myself. I'm too proud to ring one of my friends - there's only really 2 that I told about this mess anyway.
How the hell did I end up with this mess. I'm not far from 40, with an alcoholic ex I co-own a house with that is in negative equity, so I can't get rid of it, I have pets I'm responsible for and the economic crisis is eating away at my income - although at least I still got one. I can't help feeling like a failure, I should be happily married with kids and planning summer holidays.... instead I'm sitting at home balling my eyes out worrying where I'm going to go from here.
BTW I haven't tried AlAnon yet, but at least I've checked out their meeting places and picked one I'll go to once I got a grip...

Beetlebum

Yours is a heart breaking story but you still have plenty of time to turn things around. Fair play to you for leaving your partner, that must have been very difficult for you.

My mam died of acute alcohol poisoning 4 years ago when I was 23 and although I was devasted I was also quite relieved. Living with an alcoholic for years is soul detroying. I used to dread coming home from school because I never knew what I'd be coming home too. Quite often I wouldn't be able to open the door cause my mam would be passed out in front of it (naked sometimes). She was in and out of St.Pats and had her tummy pumped on one occasion but nothing stopped her. Once she fell so hard against the mantlepiece that she cracked her head open but continued to drink until I came home and found her. Even typing that made me shiver cause I remember so cleary the shock, pain, hurt and utter disbelief that a person I love was doing this to themselves.

It's a very selfish 'illness' and my heart breaks for anybody living with an alcoholic. I know it may not feel like it now but you are in a much better place without him in your home or life. Try not to let eveything pile up on you or it will all seem too much to bear. It isn't. There is a solution to every problem and you are strong enough to overcome anything you put your mind too.

I went to Stanhope Street councelling a few years ago and it helped me alot. I'm not sure what to suggest but all I'll say is you are well able to deal with this, you are not alone and if you need a friend or someone to talk to PM me and I'll happily listen for hours.

Take care of YOU.

xxx

estar

is an over rated emotion. there should be no pride between friends. if you havent maintained your friendships now is the time to start. phone them and ask how they are - dont lay into your story straight away. invite them over for dinner, and then tell them.

friends want to share and wnat to help. you would do the same for someone else wouldnt you? go to alanon. it will really help you. get over this 0 - i dont want to be one of them. you are already one of them - human. we are all subject to problems and mistakes and crap happening. silly you for judging yourself and being ashamed.

communication is the key to getting over this. expression of the hurt and pain.

Maddison

Hi Op,

Im with Dizzyblonde on this one. My mother is an alcoholic & has been for as long as I can remember. My childhood wasnt what a childhood should be & I carried the weight of my mums alcoholism on my shoulders. When I reached my late teens I finally realised that yes my mum had an illness but she was offered every bit of help possible & was in rehab on numerous occassions. Only SHE could stop & she chose not to(she actually stood up in court whilst 'fighting for custody of my younger bro & sis & said that no she wasnt willing to try rehab again). NOW I live my own life, have my own family,If my mum wants to contact me she can but I refuse to speak to her when she is drunk & my son hardly sees her.
My point is....yes your boyfriend has an illness, there is help out there, only HE can act on it, as much as you want to help him it is ultimately his choice. This is your life, you only get one chance at it.....live yours. You can still be there for him but dont let him hold you back.

I wish you all the best & hope that you can break away although it will be hard but he needs some tough love.

*HUGS*
Woops didnt see your second post OP. Regarding your finances I would try speak to a financial advisor on that one mabey they could help....Im sorry Im dire with my own finances & this is one place I cant help you Im afraid. As another poster said mabey you should try Al anon, here you will be able to talk about your experiences & how they have affected you...you might be able to help others along the way also you will be meeting new people & hopefully can make good friends. If you ever just need to chat you can PM me.

username123

Camomille wrote: »

BTW I haven't tried AlAnon yet, but at least I've checked out their meeting places and picked one I'll go to once I got a grip...

Hi Camomille,
You dont need to wait to go to a meeting, theyre actually most helpful when youre really all over the place, help to centre you and put the focus back on yourself.

I know you are in a sad place right now but you have done whats best for you and you will get past this stage, well done for being brave.

LegacyUser

Camomille, my heart goes out to you. You've made the right decision - honestly. Things can only get better from here. We've only one life to live on this earth, don't spend your years worrying and living the life of an alcoholic's wife....imagine if children came along.
My father was an alcoholic - a weekend alcoholic my mother called him...he would drink himself into a stupor on a Friday when he'd get his wages and again over the next day or two if he'd any left. My mother had to meet him outside his workplace to get whatever money she could get off him before he'd spend it or lose it...I remember her trying to poke in his pockets when he'd get home to see if she could find any. In those times she wouldn't be working, just home with us children. She lacked people she could confide in so she used to talk to us about it. She talk about her worries that he'd swallow his tongue in his sleep..then the shame of the guards bringing him home. One time this happened and while they were bringing him through the gate, his trousers fell down round his ankles (the shame of it!).
Week after week when mam would meet him for some of his wages he'd promise to go straight home after work. We'd head into town with mam and when we'd turn the corner at the top of the street we'd be watching to see if there was smoke coming out of the chimney, if there was, that meant he was home. I remember feeling great joy to see it...my mother would be in good humour for once.
My dad died in '97 when he was 57 of lung cancer...I do miss him. He wasn't a violent drunk though mam says there were times when he was very narky, don't think he ever hit her. He was an obvious drunk though, he'd stagger home singing and falling, the whole street would be out laughing. I remember he collected me from school early one day for something..my heart jumped when I saw him then I relaxed to see he was sober..the other children all stopped playing and separated to let him pass, to my shame I clearly heard someone whisper loudly 'Is he drunk?!' I've many other cringe making stories but I don't want to bore anyone.
If he isn't making the effort to change, you're better off making the break Camomille. It'll be hard for a while but it may be worth giving Alanon a go..others seem to think it'd be a great support. You can't lose anything by trying it. Best of luck pet.