Fear of commitment

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm looking for advice from people who may have had a fear of commitment in the past and how they overcame it.
I'm a male in my early 30's and have noticed lately that whenever anyone shows a romantic interest in me after going on a few dates I just end it with them. I panic and cannot understand why they would be interested in me.

My last long term relationship was for 3 years and finished about 6 months ago. Up until Christmas we had stayed in touch but as I had realised I couldnt move on with her in my life I asked her not to stay in touch anymore. As I havent heard anything from her I have to finally accept it is over between us and I can no longer cling to the hope of rekindling the relationship.

My last 3 long term relationships were all finished by my ex-girlfriends. I am an outgoing guy and not needy or emotionally unstable, although when each relationship was finished I didnt take it too well at the time.

The way I feel at the moment is that after putting so much into each relationship and hearing these people say "I love you" then all of a sudden it's over and I'm left feeling numb and hurt.

Anytime my ex had suggested "Where are we going in this relationship?" I use to clam up an change the subject. Eventually I realised that this caused her to switch off her feelings to me as I couldnt commit.

I certainly have a problem lketting people into my hear and expressing my feelings all due to a fear of getting hurt hence the issue with fear of commitment.

Has anyone any suggestion as to how I may overcome this or has anyone had similar experiences in the past?

Many thanks

Wibbs

commitment wrote: »

I panic and cannot understand why they would be interested in me.

That's the bit that stands out for me. Now if you were just interested in nookie with no strings and freedom to sow wild oats, then I could understand it. This bit I don't, or at least it wouldn't be the usual conclusion someone may come to re fear of commitment.

Is it an excuse though? An excuse to just keep ticking over without the fear of the next step?

not yet

It's natural to feel this way.............Just dont let it stand in the way of meeting someone that could be perfect for you.

MagicMarker

not yet wrote: »

It's natural to feel this way.............Just dont let it stand in the way of meeting someone that could be perfect for you.

I don't think it's natural to feel like that at all tbh.

LegacyUser

Op here again,

It seems like the hurt from past breakups holds me back from commiting myself fully to a new relationship.
I have met the nicest of women who treat me well and the minute I realise this I just panic.

The thing is I am sick of no strings attached sex and would like to be in a stable relationship eventually leading to marriage and parenthood.

I do find it hard to get over broken relationships and have a tendency to dwell on the past a lot which doesnt help me move forward with my life.

I appreciate your input.

Thank you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

The only thing I can say to you is everyone feels like this, fear of getting hurt etc. I think people deal with it in different ways. I know what you mean about "clamming up" -I have been like this in a good new relationship after being hurt in the past.

It feels impossible to trust someone and to say or hear words about love and discussions about the future etc

The only thing I can say to you is to set yourself little targets to maybe allow yourself to be pushed/ or push a little further with the next woman you feel a connection with when the time is right of course.

With my current relationship I was terriffied, had been badly hurt by the previous man, so when this one seemed so good and genuine I still clung to my old habits of keeping the person at arms length, being emotionally unreadable, avoiding discussions etc but eventually he was able to crack through the ice and we are so happy.

Wibbs was right picking out the sentance you said there, I can totally identify with that feeling of what do they see in me, you feel suspicious and "on guard" all the time. Just take things slowly, but if you feel yourself freezing up (your mouth says nothing!!) edge a little closer than feels comfortable. I would literally be like a fish with my mouth opening and closing but nothing but air coming out! He had to do all the talking and cajoling, I hated myself for being so cr@p but I made myself open up and although I was scared of getting horribly hurt, I was more scared of losing this lovely man!

Learning to trust someone is hard, but it can be done, bit by bit!

Beruthiel

Commitment wrote: »

It seems like the hurt from past breakups holds me back from commiting myself fully to a new relationship

I know exactly what you mean.
After my divorce I felt the exact same way.
After all, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing, I trusted my own judgment on it. When it went south I started second guessing myself and wasn't so sure of my judgment anymore.
This will pass.
Eventually you will meet someone who you click with and you will want to stay with them.
Give yourself time and relax. Don't pressure yourself and just enjoy who you are with.
If it's meant to be, it will happen.

,mnb

Ye i totally know where you're coming from. I'm terrified of commitment and in my early 30s. I had one bad relationship then break up that's probably made me afraid of commitment.I think part of it is that the first cut is the deepest - when I got over that I don't cling to a relationship as much as I did before.
The one bit I don't identify with is "I cannot understand why they would want me..". I do panic and go oh **** I want out but not for that reason. Mainly I just find it hard to fall in love.
I hope the right one will come along and it will be happy ever after. And if she doesn't well I'm not a lonely person so Id rather be alone than be with the wrong one.

AlexBM

OP, have you had a bad experience in the past? Did an ex-girlfriend cheat on you, or did your parents argue a lot when you were younger? You sound like a decent person, and I genuinely feel sorry that you're going through this.

You mentioned your last relationship broke up 6 months ago - it's not all that long ago, you know. It's natural to feel hurt after a break up - I'm 24 and me and my ex of 6 yrs broke up last summer, and I was in bits. It took me a while to get myself together. Maybe you need a little more time to gather yourself after this particular break up before you worry too much - or maybe you need to jump in! When you say you took each break up badly, do you mean that it took you a long time to get over it? And when you say you have a problem letting people into your heart, does that include friends, or just girlfriends?

Is it the thought that you and whatever girl you're on a date with might get serious scaring you off in particular? Did you tell your ex girlfriend your fears? You sound like you need some reassurance, which isn't the same as being emotionally needy. I know if I was going out with someone, even in the early date-stages, I'd rather know the truth. Have you brushed off anyone lately that you thought you might have something with? If so, why not get back in touch, and tell her you want to take things slowly? If someone got in touch with me and was open and honest about it, I would be very flattered.

Or maybe you clammed up and changed the subject with your ex because she just wasn't for you. Maybe you really couldn't commit in the way she wanted because she wasn't the right person. It sounds very simplified, but it's what I believe.

When was the last time you went out and enjoyed yourselves? Had a few drinks with friends? Went on a date? Approached a girl outside a pub? I'm presuming you've done all these things pretty recently, but if not, maybe you should.

I'm sorry if this wasn't any help, OP. It's a bit rambling.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again,

Sorry to hear about your divorce Beruthiel. Can I ask how can you get into another relationship again? How can you trust someone not to break your heart again? Is it a risk you have to take?

With regards to your post Alex I'm not aware of any ex-girlfriend ever cheating on my and I have never seen my parents argue. I do feel very hurt by the breakup of the last relationship as I loved Mary very much and she was the first girlfriend I seemed to click with on every level. Throughout the last year of the relationship Mary had finished it 3 times but came back to me each time and I took her back each time. I dont regret taking her back because I very much loved her.

What I cant understand is why these women keep finishing with me. I am a genuinely nice and caring person. It seems that when I show this side of me in a relationship it can be a turn off for the woman. I thought you were supposed to be yourself in a relationship? Is it c ase that you have to always treat someone mean to keep them keen even in long term relationships?

I am a private person and do keep people at arms length, not telling them my private feelings. At times my parents can see that I'm bothered and do their best to get it out of me which results in me breaking down crying. I don't think any parents should see their 32 year old son crying like this.

I have never told Mary my fears and there is no point now. She made it quiet clear that the relationship is defo over and theres no going back. I have cut all contact with her but each day the pain seems to get worse. I've been in longer relationships but this breakup is particularly hard to get over. I just keep questioning everything about life and love.

One month before we split for good Mary and I spoke about having kids and the whole where are we going but I just put it on the long finger because of my fear of commitment. I need to conquer this fear as it has cost me dearly.

I go out with friends most weekends, have gone on dates, gone for weekends away and have no problem chatting to girls and getting their numbers. It's the whole relationship area where I fail. Is there someone I could talk to ( a counsellor perhaps) who might help me with these issues?

Victor

Commitment wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your divorce Beruthiel. Can I ask how can you get into another relationship again? How can you trust someone not to break your heart again? Is it a risk you have to take?

Sometimes questions like this are a bit unfair. While I realise your heart is probably in the right place, PI is somewhere that people can share, not for asking individual users questions.

I not protecting a mod here - I'm protecting a user.

Beruthiel

Commitment wrote: »

Can I ask how can you get into another relationship again? How can you trust someone not to break your heart again? Is it a risk you have to take?

Yes. You take the risk. Life is a risk. Walking out your door in the morning is a risk. You either take risks (calculated ones) or you may as well stay at home and cover yourself in bubble wrap.

AlexBM

Commitment wrote: »

What I cant understand is why these women keep finishing with me...Is it c ase that you have to always treat someone mean to keep them keen even in long term relationships?

But you finish with women also, don't you? You're not really giving any of these other women a chance, to be fair. And in my experience, no. I don't believe in treat em mean keep em keen at all, and someone treating me mean would definitely not entice me. I want to be treated properly. (I realise this may make me sound like a bit of a diva, but I'm not, honestly!)

Commitment wrote: »

I have never told Mary my fears and there is no point now.

When I mentioned opening up, I meant to any of these girls you go on dates with. I went on a date with a really nice guy a few weeks ago that sounds a little like you, but it didnt really work out. If it had been for the reasons you mention, I'd rather know, because I liked him a lot. We could probably take things slowly or whatever. But really, that's me personally.

Commitment wrote: »

I just keep questioning everything about life and love.

Commitment wrote: »

At times my parents can see that I'm bothered and do their best to get it out of me which results in me breaking down crying. I don't think any parents should see their 32 year old son crying like this.

OP, I hope you don't think I'm overstepping the mark here (feel free to tell me if I am), but you sound like you might be depressed. I think you do need to see someone and talk to them about it - I myself see a psychiatrist (for depression) on a regular basis and have found it made me feel human again. I was in a bad place, and took a year off college before to deal with it. You've already taken the first step by realising you do need help, which is great. I would recommend actively seeking someone to help you now - try http://www.ncii.ie/. I've been told it's very useful, although I haven't used it myself personally. In the meantime, keep up the social life. Keep meeting girls. Get in touch with one you previously ended it with. Don't fall into the horrible habit of not being bothered to go out anymore.


PS Sorry for the messy multi-quoting, I'm a bit of a Luddite.