Talking problem

LegacyUser

not sure if this is in the right forum. anyway - im a bit of a perfectionist - and when im talking to people im always worried what they will think of me - do they think im too dumb, saying the wrong thing etc. it's like i just can't let go and be myself. how does everyone else out there just talk away and say their own thing and not care what people think of them?? and also how they look? i have to look good most of the time!

StroppySu

My OH is very like you, he gets worried constantly about what people think of him, and panics when he's in a conversation with someone he "kind of knows" in case he has nothing to say to them, which makes it worse.

All you can do is relax and remember that everyone isnt going to like you... There's not one person in the world that everyone likes. Just be yourself!

jessbeth

It seems like you have a bit of social anxiety, it's more common then you think and counselling can help but also just realise that practise will also help. Practise your social skills, just take deep breadths and jump in there. Here are some tips I found on the web:

You can change your attitude. By changing your own self-imposed unrealistic expectations of your behavior, you can alleviate the feeling that you have to perform perfectly in social situations to be accepted. When you change your own expectation that you should be perfect, you can better understand that others will not condemn you for making mistakes. One way to do this is by replacing negative, self-critical messages with more positive ones. Tell yourself, “No one is perfect; I don’t have to be, either.”
Start pushing yourself to be more outgoing in certain situations. Once you’ve realized that your fears are irrational, you can override your impulse to shy away from uncomfortable situations. Next time you find yourself in a group, make it a point to engage one person in a conversation about something pertaining to the group. Next time, talk to two people. Build up as you get more comfortable with striking up conversations with those around you. It’ll feel weird and hard at first, but once you get used to it, it’ll get easier.
Change your bearings. Speak in a slightly louder voice. Make eye contact. Assume a more relaxed yet alert posture rather than being rigid or stiff. If you don’t feel like you have the self-confidence to pull off talking in social situations, fake it ‘til you make it!
Read the newspaper, magazines, or watch the news regularly. If you feel like you have something to say, you’ll feel less reserved and fearful of chiming in. If you have a special interest, learn how to talk about it in a way that will interest both experts and novices. Also, it helps if you keep a few funny stories or jokes in your memory bank to relieve the tension.
If you don’t feel like talking just yet, it helps just to be a good listener. Ask the other person open-ended questions about themselves that require more than a yes or no answer. Give compliments. If you’re at a party or social function, reach out and approach someone else who looks shy. They’ll probably thank you for it, and it’ll help make you more comfortable reaching out to people in all types of social situations.
Take a risk and reach out, even if it’s just to one person. After you realize that your greatest fears don’t materialize, you’ll understand the nature of your anxiety, and you’ll be able to control your anxiety for a more fulfilling life.

This is from http://www.social-anxiety-disorder-resources.com/tips.html

Queen-Mise

Work more on listening to the other person & caring about the person you are talking too.

It works a treat when you are feeling very uncomfortable in yourself. I use this a lot at those horrible occasions like funerals, weddings etc.
When I start talking really fast, I can stutter/fall over my words, I used to be paranoid about this. These days I don't every time it happens i say the line, 'Jesus if i could talk, I would be rich', every time the person laughs who I am talking too.

Really does sound like confidence issues, watch your self-talk and see what you are saying to yourself. Get some help either talk about it, some books, whatever your happy with.

LegacyUser

Some days I am ok , other i feel vulnreable. i don't know why really!

thedeadpoet

Unregistered wrote: »

not sure if this is in the right forum. anyway - im a bit of a perfectionist - and when im talking to people im always worried what they will think of me - do they think im too dumb, saying the wrong thing etc. it's like i just can't let go and be myself. how does everyone else out there just talk away and say their own thing and not care what people think of them?? and also how they look? i have to look good most of the time!

Having thankfully transferred over to an extrovert from quite the introvert over the years I'll voice an opinion on this one.


During my nine or so years an utter social outcast, I concluded that what lay at the epicenter of my hardship with relationships and common social antics was one single thought: What do people think of me?This single thought, once found, was not only the problem, but the soloution in itself. What do people think of me? = **** what people think of me, its my life, I live it as I wish and if that doesnt comply with other peoples standards they dont have to associate with me.

To Be: Act as if.

Who do you want to be? Seriously, what kind of person would you like to be? Find the answer, and you can become that person. But why not investigate yourself? I mean, wouldn't it be beautiful to just be yourself?

Theres feasable logic behind the fact that we can and often do have many lives...but craft this one while you're living it. You exist because millions of billions of trillions of atoms arranged in such a form that created your mind, your form and intelligence to ****ing read about it.


This is what I want you to do:
Think of yourself as a magnet which is capable of attracting both positive and negative energy (outcomes, wishlists, competitions and **** but then on the other hand death, triple bypasses and erectile dysfunction).

The more you focus on the negative aspects in your life, the more miserable and thwarted your persective on just about every other fuking thing else.

Focus on the positives.
Wait until you see what happens then.

LegacyUser

The DeadPoet - did u just say to urself one day - "f**k what people think of me" or was it a gradual thing to get more confident??

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Some days I am ok , other i feel vulnreable. i don't know why really!

So you are not the home of witty banter- I will bet you couldnt say anything stupid if you tried. Thats not a criticism I could faux pas for Ireland and have been told by friends "your not at home now" - but it wast always so.

I draw the line at being insulting as it is mean and it would make me self conscious- and noone really likes obnoxious people.If someone is dressed well and looks well I say it rather then or if someone has been away i ask them. People especially women loved to be complimented on their appearance and if its true -well why not.If you tell a guy his suit looks expensive and ask him where he bought it -thats a compliment etc.

You can do that with phones - blackberrys lots of things -cos people love talking about themselves.They never tire of it.

Lots of people feel awkward - so listening is also an asset.

Cyril Cusack the very famous Irish character actor aqnd father of Niamh Cusack said shyness is the illness of youth. Aint that so.

By the way you just need to practice a bit.

bangersandmash

thedeadpoet wrote: »

Think of yourself as a magnet which is capable of attracting both positive and negative energy (outcomes, wishlists, competitions and **** but then on the other hand death, triple bypasses and erectile dysfunction).

Not wanting to be offensive but what does this actually mean? You're not actually suggesting that negative thoughts will increase the OP's likelihood of dying or suffering a triple bypass? Peddling the "laws of attraction" tripe from The Secret is at best a waste of time, at worst downright dangerous.

OP there is no quick fix for this kind of thing. However as Jessbeth suggested there are ways you can acclimatise yourself to social interactions. The main thing is to spend more time talking or genuinely listening, and less time self-reflecting and over-analysing what you're saying or hearing.

Spend some time to find common topics that you can feel comfortable talking about. Maybe you think sport or music isn't your thing. But sometimes finding a little common ground can help smooth the transition between viewing someone as a stranger and viewing them as someone you're reasonably comfortable talking to.

While you might find that small-talk will never come 100% naturally to you, you'll probably find that the more often you force yourself to make an effort, the easier it'll become.

CDfm

bangersandmash wrote: »

Not wanting to be offensive but what does this actually mean?

While you might find that small-talk will never come 100% naturally to you, you'll probably find that the more often you force yourself to make an effort, the easier it'll become.

LOL on the deadpoet:D

Well put and it takes trying -one thing you might try is joining something like a book club where you dont know anyone and no -one knows your nervous and wont know.

Its worth a try.

thedeadpoet

Unregistered wrote: »

The DeadPoet - did u just say to urself one day - "f**k what people think of me" or was it a gradual thing to get more confident??

Technically yes, but finding the right anti-depressant played a huge role in excelling me on my road to recovery. As soon as I found the right medication, I basically woke up after 3 months of taking it and felt "in control". Then I went about mending my life.

The conclusion I arrived at took me the guts of nine years to reach, and frankly, without the right medication I wouldnt have had the mental competence to assess the situation and forumulate a viable solution.

GiftofGab

I have the opposite problem.....I can't stop speaking my mind. I talk alot, which most of it is about myself and I feel like people are sometimes like shut the f**k up. It's actually really annoying because most people don't like me because of it.

LegacyUser

hi, if it helps well im kind of the same really. sometimes i just think oh what am i gonna talk about like if i have to go on lunch with someone in work and if its just the 2 of us and i worry so much about what im gonna say that i go blank and that makes it even worse. i worry what people think of me too.like its grand when you first meet someone its easier to talk cause you can get to know them and ask them q's about themselves but what happens then when you get to the stage where you know someone long enough where u cant really ask them about themselves anymore, your supposed to be at the 'comfortable stage' when its really the opposite, like eventually you run out of stuff to talk about with work mates etc,u see them every day. all u can talk about at that stage is what you had for your dinner last night..

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

when im talking to people im always worried what they will think of me - do they think im too dumb, saying the wrong thing etc.

And while you're doing that, 90% are doing the exact same thing in reverse!

Unregistered wrote: »

how does everyone else out there just talk away and say their own thing and not care what people think of them?? and also how they look? i have to look good most of the time!

If they were being 100% honest, almost no-one can do that. Yes, some people let it affect them more than others, but no-one is immune to the "I wonder what they think of me" trap.

Fact is, though, no-one's perfect. Everyone says the "wrong thing" or doesn't look their best occasionally; if people get to know each other they forgive each other (because what goes around comes around and it'd be someone else in the group putting their foot in it next time).

And if someone jumps to an immediate conclusion about you because you said "the wrong thing" - assuming you're talking normal fluffs and not talking about being completely obnoxious and offensive - then they're not worth knowing.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

hi, if it helps well im kind of the same really. sometimes i just think oh what am i gonna talk about like if i have to go on lunch with someone in work and if its just the 2 of us and i worry so much about what im gonna say that i go blank and that makes it even worse. i worry what people think of me too.like its grand when you first meet someone its easier to talk cause you can get to know them and ask them q's about themselves but what happens then when you get to the stage where you know someone long enough where u cant really ask them about themselves anymore, your supposed to be at the 'comfortable stage' when its really the opposite, like eventually you run out of stuff to talk about with work mates etc,u see them every day. all u can talk about at that stage is what you had for your dinner last night..

or comment on the other diners clothes - look at yer wan -did she dress in the dark? Is she wearing that for a bet ? Jumble sale chic etc

you dont always have to worry about what people think as most of the time the wont remember what you say-next day