coming out - rugby player

LegacyUser

hi Im 24 and i have been thinking about coming out. at the moment I am suffering from really bad depression (i now know it is because I've been keeping being gay inside for so long) and have not been in touch with my friends for a while. I used to play rugby, know lots of people from it. I am worried of what people will think from school and rugby club, etc.

does anybody else have any similar experiences?

gary

LookingFor

Think everyone can relate to the school bit.. the sports club bit, that's a set of mechanics that less people might have had to deal with, but certainly, you're not the first to tread that ground

Have you told anyone at all?

You don't have to tell everyone in one foul swoop. In fact, you don't have to tell everyone at all. I've always been selective about who I share that with, because really, not everyone needs to know! Its irrelevant in most situations.

You definitely do need some people you can talk about anything with, though, including your sexuality, and that's good motivation for telling some people so you can build a good support network.

If others find out via them..so what? Regarding the school bit..I'm sure some of my old school friends and acquaintances have heard from others about me or whatever, but none have ever raised it with me or made an issue of it with me.

Above all else, remember that your value and worth is independent of what anyone else thinks of you. You're valuable and worthy just as you are, you don't need the validation of anyone else. We all need people we can be ourselves with, and you'll find them..even if they're not all amongst the people you already know from school and from your club.

If you feel you're depressed, I think you should consider who the most understanding person would be to tell, and consider sharing with them. I cannot describe the relief I felt the first time I told someone.

gayguy2009

hey man, im in the same boat as yourself. I feel like **** most days because I have everything bottled up. Im still tryna work up courage to say to my friends. But man if your worried that they'll think your a pussy or something believe me, there are alot more gay guys that are more man than straight. Sorry im prob goin off topic a bit. Anyway man this post probably hasn't helped but I'm just letting you know your not the only one in the same boat;)

anotherlostie

There was a GAA player in a similar boat as you a few months ago (although he was out to family), and it might be worth having a look at that thread because a some of the advice would apply to you too.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055414130


With regards to the depression, have you come to the conclusion yourself that it is because you are gay that you are depressed? I made that assumption once too, and it wasn't the magic bullet I hoped it would be, but having said that, I don't regret coming out for one minute. It might be worth seeing a therapist if you haven't already as they can help you see more clearly through the issues.

LegacyUser

Hi op,

I've had pretty much the same experience as yourself but it was two years ago when i was 22. I was really hung up on the whole gay thing, what my friends, family, team mates would think if they knew. I'm a very sociable person and was very well connected in rugby circles (still am). However I got really depressed and it affected everything, college, work, relationships. On the plus side I took my anger out on the pitch and played some good rugby! So fast forward to now where i've learned to ignore those who have a negative vibe towards gay people and to just get on with my life. I'm sure friends and team mates know of my sexuality has i've become less descrete about it (purely for my own sanity). While I haven't 'come out of the closet', i have told some friends and family and all have been supportive for the most part. I do get the odd comment and slag but I put it down to more man to man banter and respond accordingly.

I'd be wrong to say that it was all easy and the best thing to do is to tell everyone cause each person is unique and is under different pressures/scenarios. However I would tell someone (make sure they are reliable! made a mistake there myself) and you'll start to build up more confidence and soon you'll have a network of people who don;t care about your sexuality which in turn will allow you to ignore those who do.

On the rugby side, I've had some negative encounters, like some people just no longer talking to me and others not acknoledging me, but I put it down to their ignorance as I haven't changed! I still play at a good level and will continue to play regardless of what people think or what theor attitude is.

Hope some of this helps, good luck.

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,
I came across your message while looking for a rugby thread and it made me think.
I cam eout a few yrs ago and to be honest i neve had any problems. All my family and mates are great about it, the few that were not, kind of faded into the dark and iv since made much better mates.
Last year i joined the Dublin Gay rugby Team and its the best thing i ever did. The lads are great and really look out for one another. we play in the straight league and, while we are not the best team out there we are a proper team. We have never had any problems when we play a match and always have a laugh in the bar after with the team. I guess what im trying to say is that you have nothing to loose and loads to gain. Im happier than iv ever been and have made better mates now than iv ever had. Dont let it get you down or depressed. You have nothing to loose and every thing to gain... Good luck with what ever you do....

CdeC

Hi,
I am a player on the Emerald warriors which is a gay friendly rugby team playing in the j4 leinster league.
I played rugby all the way through school and joined a club after but left at 19. I always felt that I couldn't come out as I felt it was such a homophobic atmosphere. A lot of this was my own self hatred and was not a true reflection. I had come out to some friends (nonRugby guys) and they were fine. I never intended to go back to playing rugby buut did so with the emerald warriors. We play teams in the league and so far have not had a negative reaction nor been made feel unwelcome at any away games. In fact most teams have been so cool that they have even bought players a pint after a game,after he clocked him one on the pitch in anger but that happens. Noone makes a big deal of it and there's no doubt in my mind that a lot of guys playing rugby around the country are gay but not out but I'm sure some are and have noone makes a deal. You may be suprised how fine people are with it. A handful of guys I play with come from rugby backgrounds.
It might be worth reading the GAA guys thread. He posted in the GAA forum as well and got some reactions from other players. It may help. The most important thing though is to go for it when you are ready. Just say it to a friend you trust.
Good luck.