Long term illness do I tell him??

LegacyUser

I have a long term illness it is not an extreme one but something i live with. I am going out with my boyfriend a few months now and have told him some bits. I dont know what to tell him,should i turn around and explain everything because i am sure he wonders why i am sick so often. Was anyone else in the same situation and what did they do?
I told him i have an illness but not everything i suffer with. It's really bothering me will he just run if i tell me or do i tell him?

seosamh1980

Please for your sake as well as theirs, sit down with them and have a heart to heart about this.
In my opinion this is something that should not be kept a secret.
It will come as a bit of a shock to them but hopefully they will understand why you didn't tell them already
Hope it works out for you.

Firetrap

I think you should tell him. He's probably guessed that you have health problems anyway so it's only fair that you're honest with him. If he leaves, he wasn't worth having in the first place.

smares

I was in the same position. It's so hard to know how much to tell or not. Only if you feel you can trust your boyfriend and are comfortable enough with him explain to him. You don't have to go into every detail maybe explain why your sick, because I know it's hard to make excuses all the time and you feel your lying.
And if the relationship lasts then start telling him more. He is not going to run I know its a bit scary telling him but if he likes you he is going to understand and he probably has a fair idea already and he will respect you for telling him.
It's quite a personal thing and if you feel you don't want to tell him then don't it's your decision and you know your boyfriend best.

Wibbs

Tell him. You've given him some of the story so tell him the rest. If he bugs out well then how will that be down the line? Hard one I grant you, but honesty is the best policy in stuff like this.

eve

If you trust him, tell him.

I have a long term illness too-diagnosed back in 2002. Not too serious or contagious but requires 6 monthly hospital check ups and could put me in the hospital for a few weeks if it re-occured. In a realtionship just over 4 years now and I told him fairly soon after we got together because I felt I had to be fair to him.

LegacyUser

smares wrote: »

I was in the same position. It's so hard to know how much to tell or not. Only if you feel you can trust your boyfriend and are comfortable enough with him explain to him. You don't have to go into every detail maybe explain why your sick, because I know it's hard to make excuses all the time and you feel your lying.
And if the relationship lasts then start telling him more. He is not going to run I know its a bit scary telling him but if he likes you he is going to understand and he probably has a fair idea already and he will respect you for telling him.
It's quite a personal thing and if you feel you don't want to tell him then don't it's your decision and you know your boyfriend best.

Thats exactly it I feel I am lying and making excuses to him all the time. As you said it is so hard to know how much to tell. If you don't mind me asking how long were you with your boyfriend before telling him?
It is so scary but i think he might understand not sure so hard to know. Everything you say is how i feel

smares

Unregistered wrote: »

Thats exactly it I feel I am lying and making excuses to him all the time. As you said it is so hard to know how much to tell. If you don't mind me asking how long were you with your boyfriend before telling him?
It is so scary but i think he might understand not sure so hard to know. Everything you say is how i feel

I told him the basics near the start. Although it's hard i guess you need to be fair to him and if you told him something already thats the worst of it over. The hardest part is done.
If you tell him you will feel so much better for it like a weight has been lifted you don't have the worry if your sick of lying to him.
As i said you don't have to tell him every detail, my boyfriend still does not know absolutely every little thing about it, but it's so much easier when they know

Terodil

I'm not going to tell you how you should act. But I'm going to tell you how I would feel if my gf kept such a fundamental aspect of her identity from me: I would feel hurt and slightly betrayed that she would think so low of me or wouldn't think me worth of sharing the truth with me.

Relationships shouldn't be built on lies.

smares

Terodil wrote: »

I'm not going to tell you how you should act. But I'm going to tell you how I would feel if my gf kept such a fundamental aspect of her identity from me: I would feel hurt and slightly betrayed that she would think so low of me or wouldn't think me worth of sharing the truth with me.

Relationships shouldn't be built on lies.

Well maybe after you felt hurt and betrayed you would realise how hard it is to tell someone something extremely private and live changing.
It's not a case that they are not worth sharing wth but you have to have the trust that they are not sharing the information with anyone else because people can treat you differently once they know you are ill.

Salome

If he's worth it - he'll stick by you through thick and thin. So yes, tell him. Be honest with him - without honesty and trust in a relationship, you've got nothing.

clickhere

Its always going to weigh you down thinking what his reaction will be. The only way your going to find out is to tell him. Im sure its not good for your health worrying about it, so i think you should tell him. I wish you the best .

wolfess

OP first of all, hope you are ok??

I too have a long term serious illness and always dread telling bfs, I have been hurt quite a lot in the past with some of their reactions, some I never heard from ever again, this is hard but its all part of life i guess...

The fact that you have told your bf bits and hes still with you, says a lot...

NOW i tell guys before I get too involved that way it can hurt that bad if I am rejected....

But definitely tell him, sure he might freak for a couple of seconds but i am sure he will be fine with it...

Good luck, let us know how it goes

Terodil

smares wrote: »

Well maybe after you felt hurt and betrayed you would realise how hard it is to tell someone something extremely private and live changing.
It's not a case that they are not worth sharing wth but you have to have the trust that they are not sharing the information with anyone else because people can treat you differently once they know you are ill.

Yes, definitely @ your first paragraph. But it doesn't change the fact that...

(@ second paragraph) that's just the point. Not telling me means that my partner does not have enough trust in me to share that important info, or to still love her once I do know. That's exactly why I'd feel hurt.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

Thats exactly it I feel I am lying and making excuses to him all the time. As you said it is so hard to know how much to tell.

Hi there, I've a sort of long-term illness with other issues too, which means I'm up and down a lot. I'm with my bf ~6months and I think I told him after a couple of weeks, not everything, but bits, and I've told him more as time has gone on / or as it's come up. I trust him and as others have said you have to trust a bit and go from there. It makes things a bit easier when you don't have to try to explain or think up reasons. My bf is very understanding (I know I'm lucky) and it's nice that he can know when I'm unwell so that I don't feel as guilty about not being able to do things or whatever.

Tis up to yourself as only you know the situation / how much trust you feel you can trust him - but he should understand if he cares about you

Mina Loy

Unregistered wrote: »

I have a long term illness it is not an extreme one but something i live with. I am going out with my boyfriend a few months now and have told him some bits. I dont know what to tell him,should i turn around and explain everything because i am sure he wonders why i am sick so often. Was anyone else in the same situation and what did they do?
I told him i have an illness but not everything i suffer with. It's really bothering me will he just run if i tell me or do i tell him?

Same Position..I have SLE..I happened to be in the mother of all flare ups when I just got with my current boyfriend . I had to go to hospital the 2nd week I was with him..I didn't think about not telling him at the time. I'd say tell him, if he's any kind of worthwhile he'll understand. My boyfriend is lovely about it and very helpful. If he runs away he' aint worth it

Crumble Froo

i've found it easiest, that when it's relevant, explain that i do have an illness, but that i find it quite personal and difficult to talk about, explain basics if necessary, but just explain that ill talk about it when im ready, and that has always been good enough for anyone i've said it to.

CathyMoran

I didnt tell one of my ex that I had a long term illness (LTI) but I regretted it - the others I told almost immediatly...in the case of my husband he said that he had a LTI (he told me the name) and I told him my main one (the other one is minor) within 5 minutes of meeting. My LTIs are part of me, they dont define me but they do affect how I act. It would be wrong to be in a relationship with secrets. Only one guy got freaked out about it (am a diabetic and I have to do blood tests and inject insulin) he did say it to my face and we broke up for non related reasons and are still friends.