Came across my ex online ...

LegacyUser

De-reg boardsie who has paid it forward on this forum to others finding themselves in a personal roadblock. As such I am hoping for experienced answers.

Let me give you a brief run down ...

I am a guy who has previously been married and divorced. I have two little children who mean the world to me. My divorce came as a shock even though it was two years ago. I still feel as though I haven't fully gotten over it yet. Like most normal people who have been through a bust up ... you dust yourself down and get on with the job.

Now let me cut to the chase quickly. Recently I was browsing on a dating site (that I am not even a member of) and I came across my ex. Her username was a pet name I used to call her (its a very unique name btw). Not only that but her main profile pic was of our wedding day (it was a non traditional wedding and she looked very beautiful) and the rest of her photos were of us together with me conveniently cut out.

Is it normal that I should I feel hurt by the fact that she lists her interests as things we used to do together that she was never into before she met me? Or that she is looking for guys aged 18 to 40 (she is a lot closer to 40 than 18!) who is into all sots of weird stuff. I know this post might seem like your typical whiney 19 year old college drama but it is genuinely making me lose sleep and messing with my head.

Help me out because I am confused, jealous and insulted all at once.

MagicMarker

She's your ex, it's none of your business, and you're thinking way too much into the age thing.

r3nu4l

MagicMarker wrote: »

She's your ex, it's none of your business,

Easy to say but not so easy to act on. Yes, she's your ex but it can't be easy to see that and it's bound to raise some strange feelings in you. It's sad and unfortunate but that's how it is.

I imagine that if you were browsing a dating site, you might be looking for someone. Wouldn't you feel great if you found someone who was totally compatible with you and also really great in bed?? Why shouldn't she have the same?
I know it's weird, especially as you say there are things she lists as interests that perhaps you first introduced her to. My advice would be to just carry on with your own life and doing your own thing. If it's the case that you still entertain thoughts of getting back with your wife then just check the reality of that ever happening by having an adult conversation with your ex. If not, then as harsh as it sounds, you just have to move on.

Katgurl

OP, I have found a profile of a serious ex on a dating site & yes, it comes as a shock. Similarly to yourself I was horrified at the age range he had entered, he had also lied about himself & he had added photos of the two of us on holiday with me cut out. (Unlike you, my OH had set the profile up when we were actually still an item so I was extra furious).

All i can tell you is that the shock passes. Its unfortunate you found it but resist the urge to keep looking.

The Corinthian

Have you been in a relationship since your divorce?

I have a cousin who is a lovely chap, but simply could not get over his own marital breakup. In the end it was going into another relationship that allowed him to do this, as otherwise his ex was always going to be his 'other half' and he would never get past her.

Certainly seeing your ex with her profile on a dating site with wedding pictures that have you statistically cut out will always hurt - no matter how long you're apart, but sometimes the best way to get over someone is on someone else.

For bonus points, someone younger and more attractive.

LegacyUser

Mixed_Emotions wrote: »

Not only that but her main profile pic was of our wedding day (it was a non traditional wedding and she looked very beautiful) and the rest of her photos were of us together with me conveniently cut out.

Is it normal that I should I feel hurt by the fact that she lists her interests as things we used to do together that she was never into before she met me? Or that she is looking for guys aged 18 to 40 (she is a lot closer to 40 than 18!) who is into all sots of weird stuff. I know this post might seem like your typical whiney 19 year old college drama but it is genuinely making me lose sleep and messing with my head.

Help me out because I am confused, jealous and insulted all at once.

Coming across an ex online, especially on a dating site will always be difficult. I'd be a bit put out if the photographs of the wedding day were up to be honest. But you said it yourself- she looked very beautiful. From her point of view, she's going to put up the nicest looking photographs of herself. Which happen to be at your wedding. But as you're broken up, there's not much that you can do about that.

I personally cannot see why you seem so hurt by her listing those interests. Even though she might never have done them before you got together etc, think about it- for everyone who was ever in a relationship (and happened to take up a hobby during that relationship)- is there some invisible rule that says they can never ever mention/ talk about/ do that hobby if they break up?. It seems ridiculous. They're her interests now. Part of who she is. Of course she's entitled to mention them to find other people into the same things as her.

It sounds like she has moved on much more than you have. I wonder if you happened to stumble across her profile or did you seek it out.

Good luck

CathyMoran

In the end of the day of course it is upsetting. I remember seeing my ex on a dating site a few years ago when I knew that he was dating someone...it made me wonder about our time together! Just avoid that website and move on.

Craft25

Mixed_Emotions wrote: »

Is it normal that I should I feel hurt

YES

I am confused, jealous and insulted all at once.

All natural, you can't help how you feel!!


But, like you said you'll just have to dust yourself off and get on with your own life.. like someone above asked.. have you been dating.. is that why you were looking at the site.. you probably wont be completely past it until someone else (a new girl) takes up your headspace.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I actually don't have a problem with her dating other guys as much that she is using our wedding pic on her profile to attract possible suitors. Call me old fashioned but I want that day to remain OUR special day even though we have split up.

And while I am at it I do have an issue with my ex fu*king guys who are into kinky sh!t while my kiddies are sleeping in the same house.

LegacyUser

So "into weird stuff" you mentioned in your original post means kinky sexual stuff? How kinky is kinky? If it's whips and chains sort of things I can see how that might disturb you if she has your kids in the same house. I'm a parent and it would bother me too.How long were you married? If she's using her wedding photos in her profile, they must be at least a few years old. I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better, but look at it this way: If she actually meets one of those online guys he might be in for a surprise since she will probably look older and maybe less fit if she's had a couple of children since her wedding day. I guess just keep your attentae up and monitor the situation with the kids..Hopefully she wouldn't be having random men over for kinky sex when they are around...Do you have the kids on weekends? OTOH, I wouldn't tell her you saw her profile...Just keep an eye on things.

I wonder is she was half hoping you might stumble upon it.
Using your old pet name, to initiate contact with new people is just weird.

sardineta

Reminds me of the Rupert Holmes song 'Escape' and yes, it's going to hurt.

partyguinness

Look at it this way..she had a life with you and prob most photos are with you..but I can appreciate how that would hurt deeply..the sense of violation etc. I dont blame you for being hurt so would I..

Just keep moving on and leave it in the past...

shellyboo

Mixed_Emotions wrote: »

And while I am at it I do have an issue with my ex fu*king guys who are into kinky sh!t while my kiddies are sleeping in the same house.

You've every right to ask your ex not to bring men into the house while the kids are there unless you've met the guy first. Not sure about your implication about kinky guys being near your kids, but how and ever. They're your kids, you have to look out for their welfare, and if her having sex with guys while they're in the house makes you uncomfortable, then tell her that.

Moon_Eyes

Mixed_Emotions wrote: »

Her username was a pet name I used to call her (its a very unique name btw). Not only that but her main profile pic was of our wedding day (it was a non traditional wedding and she looked very beautiful) and the rest of her photos were of us together with me conveniently cut out.
Help me out because I am confused, jealous and insulted all at once.

Jesus Chrissst. Romantic Ireland is dead and gone. I think that's one of the most hurtful things I've ever heard. Has the internet made everyone a complete heartless moron? I feel sick after reading that. How anyone could do that to someone's beyond me. Sorry but your ex is a complete wagon. I wouldn't do that even if I was abused by the person I'd split up from there's no dignity in it. Feel sorry for the next person she's with to be honest. Move on and avoid websites in general.

partyguinness

While this is not necessarily good advice...why dont you join the site..set up a fake persona and contact her..string her along..find out what she really thinks of you...;)

Thats what I would do..but I have mental problems

LegacyUser

Mixed_Emotions wrote: »

And while I am at it I do have an issue with my ex fu*king guys who are into kinky sh!t while my kiddies are sleeping in the same house.

Into kinky sh!t ? Eh....has she said something about that in her profile?
Where are you getting this from?

OP, Im sensing there is a lot more behind this story than you have written in your first post.....do you mind me asking were there issues with you being possesive or controlling during the marriage....

Dont flip out, could be wrong, just reading between the lines Im sensing something.....

sunshinegirl

Hey OP

i would brush it aside,and maybe look to put up your own profile on a dating website,nothing better to occupy the mind than a new chase.

Beruthiel

Mixed_Emotions wrote: »

I actually don't have a problem with her dating other guys as much that she is using our wedding pic on her profile to attract possible suitors.

Probably the only reason she used them is because she thinks she looks good in them. They are probably the best pics she has of herself.

As for the age thing, so what?
Some women like toyboys, some lads like older women.
She's allowed to change and explore.

And while I am at it I do have an issue with my ex fu*king guys who are into kinky sh!t while my kiddies are sleeping in the same house.

And what makes you think that she would do that?

The issue here is you are prying into her private and personal life.
It's two years, she has the right to do whatever she wants.
Stop looking where you shouldn't and move on with your own life.
It's unhealthy for you to be still this interested in her.
I say the above for your own sake, twisting stuff like that around in your brain will do you no favours.

The Corinthian

Moon_Eyes wrote: »

Has the internet made everyone a complete heartless moron?

No, we just get to cover a lot more ground now.

Wibbs

Of course you're hurt and upset over it. It's all very well to say well it's her life now and that's completely true, but it has brought up bad memories and probably good ones too and that past has now jumped into a time machine into the present. That happens. That's natural, but think of it this way; if you burn your hand on a fire, you remove your hand and avoid doing it again. You learn from it. Pick a different website and avoid looking at her profile again. Otherwise you're just sticking your hand into the same fire time and time again. Same goes for revistiting the past. We all have control of a time machine, but the controls are jammed on the future setting. Take stock, move on and find someone to share that future with. She's your past and as the mother of your kids she's also your present, but in a different way.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the answers. Deep down I know they make sense. It really gets to me that she looks more attractive NOW than she ever did when we were together. Sometimes when she comes to the house she oozes sexuality. She wears the type of sexy clothing she would have never worn before and I think she does it to either flirt with me or rub my nose in it. I know I should get the hell over it but I am still attracted to her. I was deeply in love with her at one stage and can't seem to just turn off the feelings of sexual attraction. Surely she has some pictures of herself in the last two years that she could use instead of our wedding pics.

I was never a possessive type of partner and would even encourage her to explore the type of stuff she was into before we met such as going to fetish clubs and such. But we never did and in fact she seemed to shut that side of herself down. It bothers me that some random she will meet on the internet is going to get the pleasure of her explorative side ... the side I tried so hard to bring out in her but failed. I have even considered setting up a fake profile to flirt with her to see how far I can go with her. But that is just too messed up and would end up destroying my mind even more.

When I use the username Mixed_Emotions I mean it in the fullest sense. I oscillate from being jealous, to feeling insulted and then hoping she meets some nut job who is going to use and abuse her to feeling protective and wanting to shield her from potential hurt to actually getting off on the idea of what she is up to with other guys. Truth is I feel so lost. I have dated a number of girls since we broke up and none of them has even come close to my ex so I dropped them all within the space of weeks. This only barely touches the surface and doesn't even take in account the year or more of severe depression and abuse of alcohol and prescription drugs I went through after the break up.

I thought I was over all this. Clearly I am not and feel like I am back to square one again Sometimes I think I would be better off just ending it all. I am not being a drama queen here and seeking attention. The thought has crossed my mind so many times and the thing that pulls me back is the hurt it would cause my kids but sometimes the feelings of unhappiness, loneliness and total failure of not being hold my family together weigh so heavily on my mind.

Beruthiel

You don't say why ye are divorced. Clearly you still have very strong feelings for her.
Something in your relationship wasn't working, to the extent that you saw no point. Try to remind yourself of that and realise that you did your best.
Speaking as someone who is also divorced, this will pass.
You must work on yourself though and checking up on your ex will not help with your healing process.
Your life is not over.
A new one is there for you to take advantage of.
You need to move on and get yourself back on track.
Remind yourself that you have kids who look up to you, who love you and who need you badly to steer them in life.
Throw yourself into that.
You have a large responsibility towards them and what you do now will help mold who they are.
I do not consider myself a failure because I am divorced. My daughter turned out very well and I couldn't be more proud of her. It's thanks to both her parents. We did not fail her.
Just because you are not living with their mother, doesn't mean you have failed them. Not if you continue to make them the focus of your life.
Get out with your mates and start picking up women!

mad m

Why don't you tell her you happened upon her profile by accident while surfing the dating website and say to her about the pictures of your wedding. She might take them down and replace them with something else.

LegacyUser

I have to say that, to my mind, the wedding photos thing is, at least, tactless and in very poor taste...I'd be frothing at the mouth if it happened to me...

Mixed_Emotions wrote:

And while I am at it I do have an issue with my ex fu*king guys who are into kinky sh!t while my kiddies are sleeping in the same house.

...and this is why I have stayed logged out to post this...

My head says:

*kink is harmless fun
*most guys into "kinky sh*t" wouldn't hurt a fly in real life
*people don't have to stop having lives just because they have children

My gut says:

NO WAY...no kink where there are kids.

My heart is off in a corner having a little cry because I can't decide where I stand between the two...and I would rather the world was a sweeter, simpler place around children.

I think that, as co-parents, you need to sit down and talk this out until you arrive at a strategy that both of you can live with regarding her prospective adventures in kink...and you have to put aside all your own feelings and think only of what is best for the children while you negotiate this.

I do get the feeling you aren't moving on the way you should be.

I also get the feeling this could be pretty messed up behaviour:

Mixed_Emotions wrote:

Sometimes when she comes to the house she oozes sexuality. She wears the type of sexy clothing she would have never worn before and I think she does it to either flirt with me or rub my nose in it.

For now, I think you both need to focus on putting the kids first.

Good luck...wherever that takes you.