Nightmare about Mam

KikiDee

Hi All,

Not sure if this post should be in here so please feel free to move. Here we go:

My mother died nearly 2 years ago now. It was and still is a rough time for me (I don't think you can ever really get over the death of a loved one). However I've been getting through it (thanks to my great family and friends). I was in bed about two weeks ago and had a god awful dream. In the dream I was over in the cemetary, diggin up my mothers grave with my bare hands. When I got to her coffin and opened it, she was there as a skeleton with tears on the skull. The clothes I buried her in were still in tact (as was the fags and scratch cards me and my family had put in her coffin). I also wrote a letter to her the morning she died and put that in the coffin with her. The letter was gone in the dream. I woke up and I was sweating. I haven't really been able to sleep since then. I've only ever had one other dream about her and that was about a week before I got my exam results (my mam died after I sat one of my final exams so I deffered the remaining 6). In this other dream she told me that I passed my exams (I got first class honours ).

I can't get the image of her skeleton out of my head. I used to believe that a grave was where someones body used to lie while their soul went off wherever. But now having seen the tear stained skull I'm starting to wonder if my mam is trapped in some sort of bad place as such. I was coping ok all along and now I seem to back right to the point where she died again. I'm crying the whole time because of this. I attend bereavement counselling (as when she did die I was in an extremly bad way) and my councillor seems to think it's some sort of delayed grief. I can't see how this is possible as before this nightmare, I was coping ok as I said. Even typing this post I'm crying. That certainly wouldn't have happened before!!

Any thoughts or advice would be great. So sorry about the long post.

Thanks in advance.

Kiki

Beruthiel

KikiDee wrote: »

I'm starting to wonder if my mam is trapped in some sort of bad place as such.

Are you religious and this is the reason for thinking that?
I'm an atheist, I believe when you die that's it, so perhaps I'm not the best one for giving my opinion.
I see it like this, if your Ma had a good life, and I take it she did to have a child like you, then try to see it from that point of view.
We get x amount of time on this earth to live a good life, she did and I believe she would want you to see it that way.

She is not in a bad place.
Don't be reading stuff into it and seeing things that are not there.
Speaking as a parent myself, I believe your mother would have wanted you to have a long and happy life and not be worrying like this.

my councillor seems to think it's some sort of delayed grief. I can't see how this is possible as before this nightmare, I was coping ok as I said.

It comes and goes, if you are still dreaming about her then you are not over her death yet.
Go back to your councillor.

Karen_*

It was only a very bad dream OP and of course your lovely mam isn't trapped in a bad place, she's in a very good place and happy and knows what you said in the letter. I totally believe that.

I think you'll always have a part of you that's grieving and every so often that can manifest as a bad dream. Probably if I was looking for a meaning I'd say its that you're missing her and you've gone to look for her in the dream and your mam wasn't there. It definately doesn't mean anything bad for your mam and wherever your mam is she's exactly as you remember her.

Crying doesn't mean you're not coping. Its only natural and its good sometimes to have some tears.

Queen-Mise

I agree with previous posters OP, go back to your counsellor.

I don't really want to open the can of worms that are dreams, but I just want to make two points.
Dreams are a safety valve of the emotions & thoughts, like a kettle whistling. Without dreams we would all go insane. Rather than the dream telling you anything about your mother, it is more likely telling you about your fears and grief.
Secondly on dreams, and I know this contradicts my above comment, there is a school of thought that follows don't read into dreams, they don't mean anything (I am not quite a believe of this school).

IMO, the dream is saying more about you, that your mam. She meant loads to you, was probably the rock of your life, the grief you are going through is going to reflect this, and be really hard to cope with.

Das Kitty

Hi OP,

Dreams are made by your own mind, they're not channeled in there by anyone or anything else. It's just a manifestation of something that's going on in your waking life, it may have nothing to do with your mother at all.

I think you should go back to your counselor to get to the root of it.

xx

Dizzyblonde

OP, the skeleton in your dream means nothing except that your mam is not in that grave. She's in your heart and all around you and she still loves you as much as ever.
I believe very much in the afterlife and that she is in a very happy and peaceful place.

What do you think she'd want you to do now? Yes - go back to your counsellor, come to terms with your life as it is now, and go on to be happy and fulfilled.

jessbeth

Hi OP, firstly very sorry to hear about your Mam. I can imagine it has been a horrible time for you. The most important thing that I've learned about dreams is that they usually mean nothing. They are just a connection of unconscious thoughts that get all jumbled together. Mostly when we are supposed to take meaning out of them it's a personal meaning and not something the universe is telling you. It was a nightmare and probably very vivid and this is common for people who suffer from depression and anxiety. I imagine that you may be feeling a little of both since your mother passed.
Also if you do want to interpret the dream then it's important to interpret dreams in a way that they relate to yourself. All dream symbols would be relative to you and not to your mother. I would imagine that the dream means that you have gone through a sort of death yourself since your mother died. The tears on the skeleton are yours and not from your mother. I truly believe it's about your own grieving and nothing to do with your mother. I think when somebody dies then we all look for meaning in things to give us hope and a feeling of connection but you don't need to interpret everything and especially nightmares that are just generated by your upset pysche. Hugs.

paperclip2

Op I'm so sorry to hear about your mam. Its a really hard experience to go through. My brother died two years ago and for a long time my sister found it very hard to cope with her grief. She used to try hard to bury it and found it impossible to talk about him and how she was feeling. Around this time she also started to get dreadful nightmares about him, something similar to what you describe. They were usually that he was lost or in pain or trouble. It was after she started to cope better with her grief that the dreams faded. I do believe it was all to do with her fears, sadness and how badly she was missing him.

The thing I find about grief is that it can also stalk you. You get along ok for weeks, months, even years but then one day you can find yourself suddenly back in the hardest throes of it again. It feels just as bad as it did immediately after they passed. I remember once reading somewhere else on Boards that around 18 months to 2 years later is when it can really start to hit you all over again. A few months ago, round Christmas was a really bad time for me. It was as bad as the weeks after he died, this time bad dreams were part of it as well. But I know it was my stuff coming out, not anything else. I know my brother is ok. Your mam is too.
Take care OP. Thinking of you.

Pigman III

Beruthiel wrote: »

Are you religious and this is the reason for thinking that?
I'm an atheist, I believe when you die that's it, so perhaps I'm not the best one for giving my opinion.
I see it like this, if your Ma had a good life, and I take it she did to have a child like you, then try to see it from that point of view.
We get x amount of time on this earth to live a good life, she did and I believe she would want you to see it that way.

She is not in a bad place.
Don't be reading stuff into it and seeing things that are not there.
Speaking as a parent myself, I believe your mother would have wanted you to have a long and happy life and not be worrying like this.



It comes and goes, if you are still dreaming about her then you are not over her death yet.
Go back to your councillor.

Well said...

LegacyUser

its only a dream, not real. my parent is dead too, i believe in my heart my parent is at peace in heaven, when i think of my parents grave i also think of the skeleton body its not nice but our minds are not very nice to us and we sometimes cants stop thinking like this. this was a night mare. i feel bad that you had it, must of been very traumatic but your mam would not have used this method to tell you anything bad. im cathalic and would say a prayer to jesus that she is in his hands. then u must trust that she is and realise that her soul is in heaven and everyones body turns to dust, dont be afraid to sleep. tell yourself before you sleep that you dont want to dream a bad dream about your mother and i guarentee you wont. youll be ok...

KikiDee

Beruthiel wrote: »

Are you religious and this is the reason for thinking that?

I was rasied catholic but I find it hard to believe in something you can't see. However i do believe or rather I did believe that when a person dies, they become reborn in a place where they can't feel any pain or sadness (similar to spirituality). After this dream I just can't see that anymore.

queen-mise wrote: »

IMO, the dream is saying more about you, that your mam. She meant loads to you, was probably the rock of your life, the grief you are going through is going to reflect this, and be really hard to cope with.

I think I'm going to take this train of thought with me to my counsellor at my next appointment. I really would like to believe that the dream is saying more about me than my wonderful mam.

I know I'm being really stupid about this but I bought a book (a long time ago) about dreams and interpreting them and I just couldn't help myself. Here's what it said about a dream depicting someone as a skeleton:

To see someone as a skeleton, signifies that your relationship with them is long dead.

I don't know why I do this to myself guys.

Thanks a million for all your replies btw. I appreciate every single one of them.

St Bill

As others have said OP, the dream is a reflection of how you're feeling and not what has happened to your mother. I used to have bizarre dreams after my parents went....the kind of dreams that really upset me.
You might still be grieving and on top of that, you've had the most terrifying dream. Your mother is fine (but you know that because she's always with you), it's just the awful dream has given you a bad knock.

marti101

My mother died nine years ago and i still dream about her.I think you never get over it but you learn to live with it.Go back to your councillar nad see what they have to say.Or another way is its her way of making sure you are alright shes coming back to you this way because you are relaxed enough to let it happen.Either way go to your councillar and put it at rest.Or maybe your parish priest could help you out.

DubLass

I dont know enough about dreams to interpret them but suffice to say that shes on your mind a lot thats why you dream about her. I like to think that the reason the letter was gone in your dream is cos she has it with her where she is and keeps it close to her heart. Sending you a hug and hope things get better xxx

LegacyUser

Dreams are funny things. I'm probably older than you and have maybe have more but none of us will ever understand.

Dreams can prepare you for stuff you encounter in life - I once dreamt I was outside a window looking in on a situ with an ex - it more or less came true in life. But I reckon my subconcious was already preparing me for a situ that was already true. In other dreams I've been tryin to drag my mam out of a fire as she's burning. But she's alive and well. You can't read too much into dreams. They're you're mind working things out and you're mind independent and will do its thing. In your case maybe you're mind is dealing with your mam being gone, but try to see it not as a bad thing but as your mind protecting you and preparing you for the shock of loss.

Interestingly, the survivors of concentration camps say that in their time their, daily faced with toture and death, they had beautiful dreams of food and warmth. Their mind sought balance. Then afterwords, when they had safety the real nightmares came. Their minds knew it was time to deal with what happened? Unfortunately pain in inevitable and you have to work through it. Your mam would appreciate that.

Anywat, sorry for your loss.

LegacyUser

KikiDee wrote: »

I was rasied catholic but I find it hard to believe in something you can't see. However i do believe or rather I did believe that when a person dies, they become reborn in a place where they can't feel any pain or sadness (similar to spirituality). After this dream I just can't see that anymore.



I think I'm going to take this train of thought with me to my counsellor at my next appointment. I really would like to believe that the dream is saying more about me than my wonderful mam.

I know I'm being really stupid about this but I bought a book (a long time ago) about dreams and interpreting them and I just couldn't help myself. Here's what it said about a dream depicting someone as a skeleton:

To see someone as a skeleton, signifies that your relationship with them is long dead.

I don't know why I do this to myself guys.

Thanks a million for all your replies btw. I appreciate every single one of them.

I attended a psychologist for post traumatic stress disorder following a horrific car accident. She helped me more than words can say. One thing she did say to me was to try to look at dreams as being about me rather than what's in the actual dream (if that makes any sense). So basically every thing, every one and every place in the dream is an extension of you yourself, it's actually you! The best person to explain this dream to you is you. I know that's probably not the answer you wanted but that's the way I look at dreams now and it really helps.

So write down the dream on a sheet a paper, start at the beginning and write it in bullet points if it helps make it more clear while reading back to yourself. I'm not going to try to break down the meaning of you dream for you because only you can do that. I can do it for family, close friends, because i basically know what they're daily lives and history are, but I wouldn't dream (pardon the pun) of trying to point you in any direction. I would steer clear of those dream interpretation books, they're a teeny bit like horoscopes in my opinion, how can one thing apply to millions of people accurately?

I had some terrifyiing dreams, I would wake up screaming and crying and in a cold sweat and would be unable to sleep for days after for fear of it happening again, but once i started writing them down, taking time out to analyse them myself, and applying the "me, me, me" theory, things started making sense.

I wish you the best of luck OP and all the happiness and peace you deserve. Be happy and feel better.

yellowcurl

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom, it's such a awful thing to happen to you.

My dad died last new years eve so I know he's only been gone a little while ago, but i do find that when I take the time out to just think about him and take a few breaths I can cope much better than pushing those little thoughts to the back of my mind. I'm only 20 and have an amazing network of friends and family who have been great, my bf especially has been so good to me about everything and just letting me be by myself when i need to.

I've had some horrific dreams over the last few weeks which leave me waking up in a cold sweat, but nothing like yours with a grave and a skeleton. People have told me that its just my grief coming through in my sleep and they'll eventually go away. I know it's not a great help because then your sleeping pattern is totally messed up. Sometimes I don't even get back to sleep until 8am the next morning, but I just know that eventually they will ease off.

Keep seeing your counselor, no matter how long for. As long as you have someone to talk things over with so it won't take you over completely. I find talking about it to other family members can be hard because I don't want them worrying about me more than they already are. That's why the counselor is so important. Make sure that you don't feel alone in the situation.

kerash

hope this helps wrote: »

I attended a psychologist for post traumatic stress disorder following a horrific car accident. She helped me more than words can say. One thing she did say to me was to try to look at dreams as being about me rather than what's in the actual dream (if that makes any sense). So basically every thing, every one and every place in the dream is an extension of you yourself, it's actually you! The best person to explain this dream to you is you. I know that's probably not the answer you wanted but that's the way I look at dreams now and it really helps.

So write down the dream on a sheet a paper, start at the beginning and write it in bullet points if it helps make it more clear while reading back to yourself. I'm not going to try to break down the meaning of you dream for you because only you can do that. I can do it for family, close friends, because i basically know what they're daily lives and history are, but I wouldn't dream (pardon the pun) of trying to point you in any direction. I would steer clear of those dream interpretation books, they're a teeny bit like horoscopes in my opinion, how can one thing apply to millions of people accurately?

I had some terrifyiing dreams, I would wake up screaming and crying and in a cold sweat and would be unable to sleep for days after for fear of it happening again, but once i started writing them down, taking time out to analyse them myself, and applying the "me, me, me" theory, things started making sense.

I wish you the best of luck OP and all the happiness and peace you deserve. Be happy and feel better.

+1, I sometimes have terrible nightmares and weird very vivid dreams that stay with me still, and this is exactly the advise I was given to understand them.

Everything in your dream represents you or your feelings. They are not premonitions or warnings, it's just you processing your own thoughts and feelings.

Stick with the counsellor, best wishes and I hope you soon feel better.:)

davyjose

+2

Op, I'm no expert, but the dream seems to be about you rather than her. YOU are the one digging her up, in some way I think that means YOU are reverting back to the time when you buried her (coincidence that you say you have), the fact that YOUR personal item was missing, nothing else, seems too much about you and your feelings about her being dead.

I don't think your mother is in a bad place. I think yu are TBH. Perhaps you should return to bereavement counselling? because this dream is 100% about you and how you feel about her death.

heavymetalrock

hi, i know what u are goin throught, cos my ma died when i was 5 yrs old, and i find it still hard, and her anniversary is tomarow and she is dead now 20yrs, it does get easier as time goes on but some time i find it hard to, around ur mass or if i look at old photos, i am from a big family of 11, and at christmas i made a video of my ma and das wedding day, from all there photos and give it to my da and brothers and sisters, evert one enjoy it, and cry when they watch it,any way enough about me, u hand in there and take it one day at a time

Mr Benevolent

I used to be a psychotherapist/hypnotherapist, and learned one thing from it.

Dreams mean nothing. It's just your unconscious mind sorting through crap in a random manner trying to find the useful bits. They still mean nothing.

JoeyW

OP,

I have no solid advice for you only that my brother and father died within a short period of time from each other and I was constantly having nightmares too. Strange ones, that didn't make any sense at all. I'm not a religous person at all, but I feel you will believe in anything unless you are someone who has not lost a close member of family. I have often smelt smoke in my car when I don't smoke or would'nt let anyone smoke in my car. I went to a spiritualist who told me that was my brother. I would have laughed had he not passed away. But I cling to it now and was delighted to hear it. You hold on to anything to know they're ok IMO.
Your dreams mean something to you, that the main thing. Death is so hard to comprehend. I don't know if we'll ever understand it. I think subconsiously, dreams are our ways of trying to grasp these things. For me, if I thought too much about it, I would seriously crack up. My dreams are a way of letting these things out..
Please don't worry about it too much..Your mum is so much better off where she is. I'm no religous person but I do believe in that..