Bullying

LegacyUser

I'm a 16 year old guy. I am gay and I'm ok with it. I havent come home yet but people in my school says I look gay and act gay. I also get called names and get punched and kicked over it. any advice?

username123

Hi there,
First of all - there is nothing wrong with being gay - and its good to hear youre ok with it.

School - unfortunately schools are full of bullies who will pick on anyone who is anyway different, its not about your sexuality, its about them finding a victim for whatever sick reason they have to feel good about themselves.

You could report the bullies. If you havent come out there is no need to say that they are bullying you because you look and act gay.

If reporting them is a no go then the only advice I have is to stand up for yourself. Bullies thrive on victims - if you dont allow yourself to be a victim to these horrible people then they cant bully you anymore.

If any of the incidents have been serious enough to require medical attention you could also consider reporting them to the guards - again this may not be a road you want to go down.

You could join some kind of boxing/martial arts club to give you the skills to protect yourself - it may help build your self confidence also thus making you less of a target for these people.

Im sorry I dont have any better practical advice - perhaps someone in the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual section of boards who has been through something similiar could relate and give better practical advice?

Ultimately I dont think that its your sexuality thats the real issue with the bullies - that may be the trigger but bullying exists in many forms for many reasons and usually the only way out is to stand up to the bully.

Do you have friends that could back you up if you decided to make a stand?

I hope things work out for you.

All I can do is echo what username said.

Namecalling, conversations, taking the p*ss maliciously: Simply say "F*ck 'em" mentally and move away fromt he situation Roll your eyes, give an expression of "Not this old tripe again? Been there! Done that! Worn the T-Shirt! Borrrring!"

Violence, Intimidation, Infringment of your life by preventing you from doing what you want: Harassment. In the real world, there's organisations and government bodies to prevent this sort of thing from happening. You being in a school doesn't preclude you from that.

Contact people in your situation. There are hundreds like you. ANd remember you may be a minor, but you have a right not to suffer from Harassent. Your school must provide assistance.

ceacht

What year are you in? When or where is the bullying happening-before school, during or after? Go to your year head or school counsellor and tell them you are being physically bullied and when and where this is occurring and tell them you want something done about it. You do not have to tell them you are gay, that's not relevant, the point is you are being attacked by pupils in your own school.

Your parents may be called into the school but do not let this put you off reporting it. Are you in a position to discuss what's going on in school with your parents?

Are you in an all boys school? I presume you have at least a year if not two of schooling ahead of you. Do not put up with their carry on for the rest of your school life. Pretending to ignore them etc will only drag you down.

Maybe think about contacting belongto http://www.belongto.org/ regardless of whether or not you are based in Dublin. It's an organisation for gay/bi/trans people between 14 and 23.

ogriofa

I'm not a violent guy, I've been in 2 fights in my life. (mid 30's now)

Are you in decent shape? Are you willing to have a fight and get hurt?
If so, wait for the biggest bully to get on your case... and then go for him.
(if you're NOT physically fit, ignore the next few lines)

Bullying isnt that sophisticated, hit the big guy and the rest will flake off. You don't have to win, you just have to show the other di*kheads that you're willing to hit THEM if they have a go.

I've been bullied, and when I stood up to them, their attitude changed immediately. It was hard!!

I've had 2 fights in my life. 1 in primary and 1 in secondary.

Non violent way
If there's some way you can get in with his pals, to get them to laugh at him (be careful about this one)

Under no circumstances are you to tell the teacher! The looking over your shoulder will freak YOU out!

It's sh*t dude, I feel for you, but you'll be finished school soon enough. You won't get that sh*t in college.

Take a stand now. You'll never forget it & your self assertiveness/confidence/esteem will be right on!

Good luck

ceacht

Are you kidding me! Any pupil no matter what their stature could get creamed in a fight with more than one throwing punches-plus why drag yourself to that level. It could spur them on to engage in more violence with the OP-NOT LESS! What kind of advice are you giving out! Of course tell staff about it-use your assertiveness to march down to some school office not throw a punch!

In all seriousness if you find yourself looking over your shoulder after telling the school staff it's the school that needs to worry. The school has legal obligations to it's pupil's to ensure their safety.

dny123456

I'm gay too. Definitely do not follow the posters advice above, who was telling you to take martial arts classes, or hit them back. That is not the way to deal with this.

The best approach for you is to use your head, wit and small dose of political skill. You need to make alliances with others. You need to seek out friends and bend over backwards (fenar) to make friends and draw on them as security. Bullies will only bully you if you're on your own/easy target. They are generally quite cowardly. If they think they are facing any sort of a group or resistance, they will melt away.

Well done, on being ok with it, btw. It took me till I was way into my 20s to admit/accept it in myself.

kittensneeze

When I was a school, i was bullied in a sort of underlying way. I never really knew what it was about me that drew her to me. I thought it was either that my accent was a bit weird ( Dublin/London ish). Me and my best friend had really eccentric humour and kind of lived in our own bubble. We werent unpopular which she didnt really get. Anyway, at first I started to conform and not be myself in her presence, but the more intense her **** got the more i realised I was either gonna sink or swim. So I started to piss her off by acting more and more weird around her, like backcombing my hair and getting the balls to ask her if she liked it. Stupid stuff. Basically I really tried to make her see that I knew what she was trying to do and it wasnt gonna work. We ended up hanging out the next year.:rolleyes:

Overheal

Defending yourself from bullies is an uphill battle. Not that you shouldn't try, but you need every edge. Go to your teachers etc.

Also, it might be wise to head over to the LGB forum and get some advice on not calling attention to your sexuality in school. After all, where bullying is involved, you only want to be fighting the battles that need to be fought (not through violence), while avoiding all of them like the plague.

estar

1. take some martial arts classes for your own confidence. its nice to know you could defend yourself if you had to.

2. try to solve this without violence, by being open - if they ask are you gay, then say yes. so what? so what if i am? some of the greatest artists and musicians are gay? are you going to punch and kick them? get informed. make alliances, make fun back of people that make fun of you. try and make friends with the people around the bully. make friends with other marginalised people in your class. make an alternative gang. dont take it lying down. ask them why they are threatened by it? say yes im gay but dont worry, i wouldnt fancy any of you, you have nothing to worry about, i go for the non violent intelligent type. dont let these morons get to you. i used be called fat all the time in school - and my answer was - i like being fat. i choose to be fat. and i dont care what you say or think. i like that you dont like me. i would be more worried if you did. when they shouted at me in the street, i shouted back id rather be fat than stupid!!!! when they squared up i squared back. i had lots of friends to back me up doing this. i used to ask them if they wanted another bad report going home, because if i reported them for this, everyone would believe me as they already had a bad reputation. that was my natural response that worked for me. anger. outrage.

3. punching and kicking someone is assault. it is a criminal offence. tell them you dont have to put up with that. you dont.

if you lie down and take it you will get more of it. if you show you dont care, are proud of who you are, and dont make slagging you easy for them maybe they will back off.

to this day i always back the under dog! i think standing up to my bullies was character building and im glad i was bullied in a way as it made me a fierce opponent!!!!

badabinbadaboom

Im sorry but if you dont hit at least one of the ****ers you will regret it forever.
Im generaly anti-violence but I think this is one of the few situations where its called for.
When they hit you its there way of giving you a message that you are less then them and that they are more powerful, every time you let them get away with this you build their ego and are damaging their own.
You simply have to make one of them feel pain and it will frighten them, the situation may escalate but all you miust do is rise with it until those bastards are forced to back down.
You are sixteen you will not be killed whatever happens its almost completely certain you will survive so go for it. A sixteen year old is not going to be charged for assault you will not be thrown out of school and you will not be killed, you have nothing to lose.
Take the ****er by suprise maybe?

Overheal

I got through school just fine never hurting a fly, so I can't agree.

qwert2

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a 16 year old guy. I am gay and I'm ok with it. I havent come home yet but people in my school says I look gay and act gay. I also get called names and get punched and kicked over it. any advice?

The good thing here is that you're happy with who you are, that's the most important thing. Unfortunately bullying is a part of life in schools, particulary secondary schools. However that doesn't mean it should be tolerated. Perhaps seek support from some teachers at school who you can trust. Your sexuality needn't come into it. That's your business alone, so you don't need to feel obliged to mention your sexuality or anything. The school has a obligation to protect their students, I'd be confident that the right support from some teachers at your school will be provided.

These cowardly bullies should be punished. At least have the knowledge that these bullies are the real losers as they usually have problems of insecurity etc. Also the good news is from my experience is that when/if you go to college in a few years time this bullying culture rarely exists, so things WILL improve in your life

Victor

badabinbadaboom wrote: »

Im sorry but if you dont hit at least one of the ****ers you will regret it forever.
Im generaly anti-violence but I think this is one of the few situations where its called for.
When they hit you its there way of giving you a message that you are less then them and that they are more powerful, every time you let them get away with this you build their ego and are damaging their own.
You simply have to make one of them feel pain and it will frighten them, the situation may escalate but all you miust do is rise with it until those bastards are forced to back down.
You are sixteen you will not be killed whatever happens its almost completely certain you will survive so go for it. A sixteen year old is not going to be charged for assault you will not be thrown out of school and you will not be killed, you have nothing to lose.
Take the ****er by suprise maybe?

Most of this is wrong.

cafecolour

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a 16 year old guy. I am gay and I'm ok with it. I havent come home yet but people in my school says I look gay and act gay. I also get called names and get punched and kicked over it. any advice?

Good for you for being secure in who you are, awful that you are getting bullied over it. At the very least, take comfort in the fact that this isn't going to continue once you go to university (or to a job) - here's an answer in an advice column by dan savage (a popular american gay sex advice columnist) that is sort of along those lines: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=532280

How do deal with it now, I'm not sure. Coming out could make it worse, or it could help bring out some more defenders. On some level, a weak guy is viewed as fair game by many- ie someone who should learn to take care of himself - but an actual gay guy could be viewed more as a minority who needs some defending. However, coming out could also up the intensity of attacks by a pathological few, and could also cause acquaintances to pull back a bit out of fear that they'll be considered gay too.

Blazer

You're 16 so you probably have at least another year or two of dealing with this?
Are you up for this? Are you mentally capable of dealing with this for the next year/2 years.
One thing..notice that all those who advocate violence are straight..and they are right with one good simple reason.
Bullies are cowards..if someone stands upto them, shows they're not afraid to take them on, they will back down and go pick on someone else.
You might even have to fight one..doesn't matter if you win or lose..what matters if you stood up for yourself.
Sure you can go to the teachers..but what are they honestly going to do?
Absolutely nothing and what's worse is by snitching you've just painted a bigger bullseye on your back.
So next time some asshole kicks you...kick him back..let him know that you're not going to back down and you're going to defend yourself.

Zaph

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

You're 16 so you probably have at least another year or two of dealing with this?
Are you up for this? Are you mentally capable of dealing with this for the next year/2 years.
One thing..notice that all those who advocate violence are straight..and they are right with one good simple reason.
Bullies are cowards..if someone stands upto them, shows they're not afraid to take them on, they will back down and go pick on someone else.
You might even have to fight one..doesn't matter if you win or lose..what matters if you stood up for yourself.
Sure you can go to the teachers..but what are they honestly going to do?
Absolutely nothing and what's worse is by snitching you've just painted a bigger bullseye on your back.
So next time some asshole kicks you...kick him back..let him know that you're not going to back down and you're going to defend yourself.

Mathew Reilly, your last ban ended less than 4 hours, so it's two weeks this time I'm afraid. When you come back may I suggest you carefully read the charter, especially the bit about advocating violence as an answer to a problem.

trentf

Yeah i got some sound advice for you. Heres what you do. The next time they threaten to hit you or do any sort of physical harm to you, simply tell them that if they touch you one more time you'll report them to the gaurds for physical violence or tell them you'll take legal action against them(or their gaurdians). If they do it again and just laugh it off mate go straight to to the principal's office or wherever this is happening report it to a superior and then get them to tell them that you will be taking legal action against their gaurdians if nothing is done to stop it.


Let me tell you that will stop them dead in their tracks. Forget about standing up to them physically specially if its a group, waste of time, your just feeding them to be honest. Whoever is advising you to take up martial arts classes is watching too much ufc. This is reality for this guy not the karate kid. Its all well and good saying 'take up karate classes' learn how to use 'nunchucks' , 'stand up to the main bully' in a forum online and another to have to do it in reality.

This guy is obviously taking physical abuse from a group of people and fighting back physically only ever makes things worse. No to beat these people you have to outsmart them and the above suggestion is the best way how. Also tell them what they are doing is a criminal offence which assault is. Make sure you tell them that so that they cannot deny they 'didn't know what they were doing and were just doing it for fun' often a bullies excuse when caught. The law is something even bullies are subject to and they fear it as much as you fear getting beat by them. So use what they fear to 'beat them' which is the only true way to defeat them.

Hit them where it really hurts them in their and their parents pockets. Make sure you document all the times they hit you, take photographs of any bruising or marks they leave on you. This can be used with police as evidence or during legal action in courts or with your school superiors if you don't want to go the legal route. Bullies are always the ones with the real 'insecure' issues deep down.

and to the guy who said'

Absolutely nothing and what's worse is by snitching you've just painted a bigger bullseye on your back.'

Yeah and whats he supposed to do sit there and take a beating because he should fear being called a snitch. its every human being right not to be physically assualted. Its not being a snitch to report that your being assualted to the police or superiors. This guy isn't in some prison or street gang mate, hes a teenager in school. You've been watching too much america's most dangerous prisons.

Overheal

trentf wrote: »

Yeah i got some sound advice for you. Heres what you do.
The next time they threaten to hit you or do any sort of physical harm to you, simply tell them that if they touch you one more time you'll report them to the gaurds for physical violence or tell them you'll take legal action against them(or their gaurdians). If they do it again and just laugh it off mate go straight to to the principal's office or whereever this is happening report it to a superior and then get them to tell them that.


Let me tell you that will stop them dead in their tracks. Forget about standing up to them physically waste of time your just feeding them to be honest. Hit them where it really hurts them in their pockets.

Or "Do you have any idea what they can do to you for committing a Hate Crime?" :cool:

The punishment is really much more severe than your standard charge for Battery, if I recall correctly.