So called "friends"....I could scream!

LegacyUser

Here goes. I was very close with 2 girls throughout secondary school. Contact dropped off during college as i moved away. No problem with that, I made new friends. So basically hadn't seen them in years.

Got back in touch with one of them and she turned out to be a total coke head and had become unbelievably selfish. I went through some tough times personally and she promised me the sun, moon and stars that she would help, call over, meet up etc and of course never did. I gave her one final chance and she blew it so I texted her to tell her exactly what I thought of her and that i didn't have time or space in my life for people who don't care about me. Never heard back from her, which was fine with me, that's what I wanted.

So, moving to more recent times. Facebook to be exact. Got back in touch with a few people from school. Met up with one of them for lunch. Turns out the coke head had told everyone she knew about the personal stuff I had being going through way back when. I had confided in her before i realised what she was like unfortunately. It was said out straight to me at the lunch. I nearly died. I was mortified to be honest. The thoughts of her and all her cronies discussing me and gossiping about private stuff is killing me.

I've removed them all from my facebook thingy and I hope I never see any of them again. They haven't changed a bit since school, not grown up at all.

Problem is do I contact her and say anything? She's tried contacting me since. Stupid "Hi how's things?" e-mails which I haven't responded to. I just don't know what to say. They can't be trusted. I feel sick at the thought of ever meeting any of them anywhere and what would I say. I'm going with the "I can't see you" response and walking on.....they've done it to me plenty of times.

Sorry about this rambling post. I don't know where I'm going with this. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation to this? Any advice at all? I know i should let it go but it's in the back of my mind constantly........

dsg

Mmmmmm, not a nice situation. I can relate totally. I really think you need to let it go for your own sake. If you feel you have grown up, moved on, and gotten over your personal problems then leave them to it. You don't have to see them, contact them, have anything to do with them at all if you choose not to.

This kind of thing is all about choice. You either choose to let it bother you or you choose to let it go, move on. What people talk about is just that, talk. Nothing to do with you, nothing that can harm you (hopefully) in any way.

Holding on to something like this will only make you bitter and is not good for your own mental state. Please, trust me on this one :-)

Mr. Incognito

With friends like those.......................

Lets see,

Selfish coke head.
Mates with no tact.

If you're clever enough to know these people are muppets and cut them off you're clever enough to know it should stay that way.

We all wish we could be the most popular people in the world but we can't.

In addition, don't tell your problems to a fecking unreliable tool.

LegacyUser

I say forget about them and move on. It's obvious you can do without these people in your life, and whilst your natural inclination (and mine) would be to make them see the error of their ways, even if they apologised I doubt they would be much use to you in future.

Move on, get out and meet new people and make new friends.

Humria

OP, I don't think contacting her would make things better. If she apologiesed would it make it better?
It easier said than done but you should try and put in behind you if at all possible. It's not going to cause harm to anyone but yourself if you hold on to the anger and embarassment.

quad_red

so upset wrote: »

I gave her one final chance and she blew it so I texted her to tell her exactly what I thought of her and that i didn't have time or space in my life for people who don't care about me. Never heard back from her, which was fine with me, that's what I wanted.

That sounds a bit childish to be honest.

But as Mr Incognito said, don't waste your time with selfish losers who break confidences.

At least you found out what sort of people they truly were. Move on.

LegacyUser

OP here.
Mr. Incognito, yes I was clever enough to cut off contact with these people, my problem is that it is eating me up inside knowing they are talking about me and I wish i could just tell them out straight to shut the hell up. I'm not looking to restart a friendship obviously but i would like to let them know how I feel.
Also, if i was looking to be the most popular person in the world then I would surround myself with people regardless of whether they were any good for me or not and I wouldn't be bothered by that kind of behaviour, but i am bothered and that's why i cut off contact!
And obviously if I had known she was "an unreliable tool" at the time I wouldn't have confided in her.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to post though.

LegacyUser

quad_red wrote: »

That sounds a bit childish to be honest.

But as Mr Incognito said, don't waste your time with selfish losers who break confidences.

At least you found out what sort of people they truly were. Move on.

OP again.

Are you calling me childish for telling her out straight how I felt and that i didn't want her in my life anymore? I thought that was actually the better way of handling it rather than just letting it drag on and on.

The only reason I texted her is because we had arranged to meet up, she never showed (as usual), I texted her to see why she was late and if I should wait for her, she texted back to say she was at home sick, then she drove right past me in a car with someone else, looking very healthy and laughing her head off and deliberatley not answering her phone when i rang it! So she was caught out, and not for the first time i might add. I'd simply had enough at that stage.

Having said all that, yes I'm glad I know what type of people i was dealilng with, even if it came a bit too late.

LegacyUser

Humria wrote: »

OP, I don't think contacting her would make things better. If she apologiesed would it make it better?
It easier said than done but you should try and put in behind you if at all possible. It's not going to cause harm to anyone but yourself if you hold on to the anger and embarassment.

OP here, thanks for the reply

To be honest it's not an apology I'm looking for, I'm not even looking for any of the people involved to acknowledge they didn't act very nice or friendly towards me the way they behaved, I'm looking for "closure" on the topic.

I don't know if it would make me feel better to outline to the 2 people in question how much their actions hurt me, and how humiliated they made me feel......I can imagine they wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about though, they're completely wrapped up in themselves, it just took me too long to realise.

It's making me feel better having just written it down and admitted to myself that actually yes I was hurt, i was humiliated, maybe still am feelling that way, but it's up to me to let those feelings go and move on. I know this isn't the most terrible problem going on at the moment for anyone but it's upsetting me and i feel like a total fool.

MagicMarker

TBH, I find it hard to believe a group of friends would bring up something during lunch that would knowingly embarrass you. And if they did they obviously didn't realise it was such a secret, so, imo you shouldn't blame them for their ignorance.

Of course I could be wrong.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

TBH, I find it hard to believe a group of friends would bring up something during lunch that would knowingly embarrass you. And if they did they obviously didn't realise it was such a secret, so, imo you shouldn't blame them for their ignorance.

Of course I could be wrong.

It was just one person, that i hadn't seen in years, and had no idea she would be party to this information. It made me realise that her and the other one had been talking about me behind my back and it made me feel sick. She wasn't trying to embarrass me, she was just being nosy. I ignored her question and tried to change the subject, she kept asking and asking and bringing it up throughout the lunch, in the end I just wanted to get out of there.

I think I'm so upset because it's so humiliating to me....you know that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? It's there constantly. i need to let this go or its going to eat me up inside QUITE LITERALLY!

I know I'm better off without these people in my life. What's wrong with me that I can't let it go?

I beleive you need to be open with them, but only if they ask to befreind you again.

A response I would suggest to "Hey, how are you" would be "I understood that *insert sensitive subject* was private between us, and since *other freind* has asked about it, I have lost my trust in you. I'm sorry but I cannot speak with you again. I wish you well in your life, but I will no longer play a part in it." And leave it at that.

They/she may respond, they may not. Either way, they must know exactly what they did to distress you, and be given the chance to apologise.

Also remember, if they do apologise, it is in your court as to whether you accept it or not. Do not allow yourself to be pressured into accepting/not accepting.

Consider their actions after you tell them what they did. Then make a decision.

sunshinegirl

forget them, take it as a learning lesson. I guess the lesson isto keep stuff private,and let friends earn your trust. I wouldnt bother contacting the old friend as it would give her satisfaction to know your upset. Leave it off,move on with your life and thank your lucky stars you dont have the stress,lies and more of that ex friend.

Concentrate on your new life,your current friends family and go have a laugh.

LegacyUser

sunshinegirl wrote: »

forget them, take it as a learning lesson. I guess the lesson isto keep stuff private,and let friends earn your trust. I wouldnt bother contacting the old friend as it would give her satisfaction to know your upset. Leave it off,move on with your life and thank your lucky stars you dont have the stress,lies and more of that ex friend.

Concentrate on your new life,your current friends family and go have a laugh.

+1

Burn that bridge and move on. The dynamic of your relationship with this person is that she feels that she has the power to upset you, and takes pleasure from that. She's unlikely to change, so just cut her off, forget about it and focus on the people in your life worthy of your attention.

Princessa

Move on, you dont need people like that in your life. Id take the high road and completely ignore them like they are not even worth a second thought. I know this option is obv harder than texting them and getting out all your frustration on them but this is better in the long run. Trust me, it will all fade away when they get soem new entertainment in their obv dull lives. Sorry you had to learn a lesson the hard way.

MIN2511

Hi there, i believe in life we learn from experiences like this.
I think you should contact this girl, meet her for coffee or lunch and confront her. For your own sanity. She probably doesn't know that this has hurt you the way it has. Which is ignorant of her but sure "girls will be girls"

You don't have to be friends with her/them again, but you would make your piece by talking to her.

Terodil

OP, I can soooo feel with you. I've had numerous such experiences myself at school. Why is it so damn hard for people to respect the trust you place in them by keeping the stuff you tell them between you two?! :mad:

It sometimes makes me want to punch walls.

I have become a LOT more distant due to all this and rarely let my guard down. It's kinda meh because some friends complain that I'm too reserved, and strangers may think me arrogant, but it's just the sense of self-preservation kicking in.

Just don't let anybody tell you that you have 'issues' for wanting private stuff to remain private. If they can't respect privacy and breach it then it's their problem and issue for not being able to keep secrets. :mad:

gubby

I dunno.. a lot of people here seem to think they know those people who hurt you. the thing is nobody know but themselves why the treated you the way they did. perhaps.. perhaps they had discussed it and thought they could help you.. or like you said about the person who you met for lunch, they were just nosy. I think you cant put this to bed till you confront them and tell them exactly how it made you feel... and then, then you can walk away with your head held high and never see or talk to them again. thats my opinion anyway. sometimes we all make assumtions about how other people feel and think. I just wonder about the one who spoke about it to you openly to you at lunch had not been told that he was a private matter you had discussed with the other person.

Pub07

Well a bit of advice I can give is not to be telling your private business/issues to anyone, works for us lads. Its probably an even better an idea for women considering how much they love to gossip. Not trying to wind anyone up here. If you have some serious issues you absolutely have to get off your chest talk to your parents but dont go telling them to people you dont even really know and who are liable to blab about it all over town.

Ive been told other peoples private issues by very good friends of mine, who are guys and arent even into gossip, that they were sworn to secrecy not to tell by the people who told them. It is madness to be telling anyone stuff you dont want other people to know, bar your parents, or siblings if you trust them.

tbh

OP, what would be the point of confronting any of them? If they don't already know that it's bad form to discuss issues like that, then you're not going to able to teach them. Most likely they'll laugh at you (behind your back) for getting upset about it. some people are like that, and at least they are out of your life now.

What happened here is that someone let you down. Unfortunately, it happens.