Now that I know what I'm missing

LegacyUser

Theres been a lot of posts lately that seem to centre around the importance of sex in a relationship and i was wondering if I could get a perspective on my situation.

I post this in the full knowledge that I will probably get a lot of negative reaction to some of what I have done but believe me noone could be harsher on me than I have been on myself so fire away!


I've been with my OH for a long number of years. Since I was very young. He wasn't my first sexual partner but it was my first real relationship and I was his first partner.

We clicked straight away, it got very serious very quick, we were inseperable and have always been a team.

But the sex has never been great. I fancied him but the psyhical (I've typed that word 4 times 4 different ways, I know its spelt wrong!!) attraction was never the biggest part of it. I can distinctly recall one rather unsatisfying occasion about a year into the relationship that left me thinking "I don't want to do that ever again".

Obviously I did and the years went on but it was never a very frequent thing. I had a borderline eating disorder when i met him and was very slim. It wasn't natural for me and when i put back on weight my confidence suffered a lot. He was young and thoughtless and made some comments that made me feel a hell of a lot worse about myself and the sex would shut down for long periods of time (a full year at one stage). Sex started to feel like something "other people did" and on the rare occassions he tried it on with me it didn't feel too gratifying. I felt he was just sexually frustrated and i was there if you know what I mean. And being honest, on the rare occassions I tried it on with him thats pretty much how I was feeling. But in every other way we were really happy and had a great life and while we never spoke about it much it just seemed like a small price to pay for all the other happiness we had together.

A couple of years ago we hit a lot of problems as all long term relationships will and I found out that he had slept with someone else. I'm the type of person who has to pick at scabs and grilled him for every detail. By his account (and i do believe him) it was a drunken one off thing, a colleague tried it on and he was flattered. it doesn't sound like it was a great experience. The fact that this was the only other woman he has slept with and it wasn't great either, and the guilt he felt, seems to have repressed his sexuality even more.

Anyway he came clean, I agreed to try to forgive him and we resolved to make a go of it.

However there were a lot of other details around it, that I won't go into as they might make our story more identifiable to anyone that knows us but suffice to say it all left me very very angry for a long time.

And in this time I met someone else. At first it was just a little crush, anyone in a long termer will tell you it happens, but then it got to be more than that. It got to the point where it was difficult to be in the same room as him without touching him, I dreamt about him every night, I never wanted someone in such a base animal way before. Well you can see the way this is going - I ended up sleeping with him. I told myself it was revenge, it was evening the score, etc but really I just wanted him and i didn't feel the slightest bit guilty. I've spent a lot of time wondering if it would have happened if my OH hadn't cheated on me first and i don't know if I can honestly say if it wouldn't.

What i thought would be a once off turned into an affair that went on for months. I fell, and fell hard for this guy. I felt like I was in control of my life and having fun for the first time in years. I also felt like I was discovering sex for the first time (and I'm in my late 20s now). It was passionate and fun and exciting. I never really got the staying up all night shagging thing, I mean if you do it right once that enough, right? but with this guy.............

Eventually I left my OH. He never knew about the affair. It would have destroyed him and i hope he never knows. He thinks I left because of what he did and dealing with his guilt when it was my fault was a nightmare but it seemed better than telling him the truth. The fairytale didn't last long though and the other guy broke my heart. Shattered it really. I knew my OH wanted me back, I wasn't strong enough to keep turning him down and causing him the same pain I was feeling over the other guy. I wasn't strong enough to be on my own and I ended up coming home to lick my wounds. And despite all that had happened, it did feel like coming home.

At first I kept him very much at arms lenght but gradually we fell back into the old patterns of daily life. We started to talk about the future again and I started to feel we have a future again. I still think about the other guy every day, memories of him are very much my 'happy place' and of course I can never let my OH know this. So there is a distance between us that was never there before but gradually it is feeling like it could work, and I want it to work. I know long term the other guy could never have made me happy in the way my OH does. In so many ways he is right for me and despite everything he loves me so much.

But we are back stuck on the sex again. If I thought it was lame before, now that i know what I'm missing its unbearable. There is no spark, there is no passion. We are tactile and affectionate but unless I am locked the thoughts of him touching me sexually..........no, just no.

I don't know what to do. As I said in every other way we are happy and compatible. I could search the world and not find someone else that I can laugh and cry and talk with the way I can with him, as well as having the passion I had with the other guy. Maybe such a combination doesn't exist. I could end up unhappy and alone and have broken his heart for nothing.

I am aware that this thread is all me, me, me. What I want, how I'd feel.I discussed this with a few friends and their reactions fall into the following categories

a) I should bethink about me me me and do what makes me happy, if I could ever figure out what that was.
b) He deserves better. It might break his heart now but he will find someone who truely wants him. He might not know what he is missing but I do. An 'if you love someone, set them free ' scenario if you like. And despite it all, I do love him.
c) It was just a blip, a long protracted blip, but its been a long protracted relationship, this **** happens. Bury it, forget it, look to the future. But the people who say that aren't in my cold bed every night.

If anyone has struggled to the end of this fair play, and if anyone can come up with any other advice than a) b) or c) above, I'd love to hear it.

LegacyUser

To be honest ............. it really sounds like your OH is more of a friend than a lover. Is that really what you want? Perhaps you would be better off as friends.

EPM

Your current relationship is based on a lie and thats not fair to you and especially to your partner.

You want what you cant have and your partner cant give this to you either. Its better for you both long term if this play acting stops now. No doubt it will be tough but it needs to be done.

cantdecide

All I can suggest is that you should tell him that you're very disappointed in the sex part of your relationship. Does he know you've always felt this way? Wouldn't he prefer if he was able to satisfy you? Have you ever tried to guide him??

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship in a lot of ways. If you can't see him in a sexual way, you've probably just been trying to sleep wiht your best friend IMO

togster

Unregistered wrote: »

. I could search the world and not find someone else that I can laugh and cry and talk with the way I can with him, as well as having the passion I had with the other guy. Maybe such a combination doesn't exist.

The combination does exsist.
Leave your boyfriend and move on. Life is too short.

Wibbs

A very hard position for you to be in. If there's no spark, it'll be damned hard to create one. It often makes no sense either. I've had the sexual spark with women where we were both totally unsuited to each other and I've been very suited to others but the spark just wasn't there. I can see your dilemma. If someone put a gun to my head and said pick one out of either of those groups I would go for the non spark ones. The thing is you don't have a gun to your head.

These feelings or lack of them will worry away at you. And him. The only options I can see are; split and try and find both with someone. It exists, but hard enough to find for some. Stay and have an open relationship, or have affairs, but few will go for that naturally. Stay and try to build a spark out of the otherwise good relationship. Maybe counseling?

LegacyUser

Quite honestly I think a forum like this is not the place for asking for advice when you are in such a dark place. All you'll get is lots of "this is what I would do in your place" or "this is what you should do". The fact is you, and only you, truely know how you have felt in the past and how you feel today. Even your friends will tell what they would do if THEY were going through what you are now. That is not necessarily what is best for you. You need an outlet where you can find impartial guidance to help understand what you really want from life and then be able to make informed decisions about your future happiness. Counselling, therapy, group support, hypnosis, whatever? Do yourself a favour and make a decision to do something. I was in the same place as you after 16 years, trust me, bite the bullet; you'll be glad you did.

Wagon

Your relationship is based on a lie. Intimacy is a very important part of a relationship and without it you're just friends.

Unregistered wrote: »

We are tactile and affectionate but unless I am locked the thoughts of him touching me sexually..........no, just no.

That sounds like my friend's response to me a few years ago when i told her i had feelings for her right before the "i see you as a brother" line came into it. I can't believe you haven't copped this even though you are in your late 20s. End this now. Immediatly and come clean with the cheating as well. It'll make it easier for him to get over you. You can't continue pretending to be this guys girlfriend when you aren't.

LegacyUser

OP here

thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

To illuminate the story a little more (and I really hate giving out too many details in case i'm identifiable) when I say OH, he's actually my husband.

So it's not just about walking away from a relationship, it's a marriage, a home, shared hopes and dreams for the future, we're very close to each others families, we've been together so long all our friends are mutual friends. A whole life. For the sake of what? A sexual spark with the next guy which may go sour again?

We've been in counselling, although obviously I wasn't being full honest about everything.

As for guiding him etc, at this point it would be hard to explain where I got any new moves from!!

Also its not that he doesn't push the right buttons, he knows my body and what I like, in technical terms its probably better than it was with the bit on the side, but I just don't want him the same way.

I do love him, but I question whether I love him enough whether I'm really in love with him. I don't want to ever hurt him. All he seems to want in life is to be with me, and when i've spent the last couple of years doubting my own judgement, changing my mind over and back again, it's hard not to rely on is faith in us, maybe we can make it. But then his faith in us is based on a lie. Or maybe not. Sometimes he says things that make me think he knows. He once in a very roundabout way suggested he could turn a blind eye. But I was so horrified I shut down the conversation there and then, so I don't know.

I know we make a great partnership, I can see him being the father of my children. I think we can weather pretty much whatever life throws at us. But I'm afraid the sex will keep becoming a bigger and bigger issue. I'm afraid, terrified actually after how I was hurt, that someone else could come along and make me feel the way the last guy felt.

Sometimes I try to put it in perspective, if one of us was in an accident and could never has sex again, I really think we'd get through it, it wouldn't be the end of us. So is that side fo things really that important? But we can and we're not and that's the problem.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

Your relationship is based on a lie. Intimacy is a very important part of a relationship and without it you're just friends.



That sounds like my friend's response to me a few years ago when i told her i had feelings for her right before the "i see you as a brother" line came into it. I can't believe you haven't copped this even though you are in your late 20s. End this now. Immediatly and come clean with the cheating as well. It'll make it easier for him to get over you. You can't continue pretending to be this guys girlfriend when you aren't.

Seriously, this is good advice, I have so much in common with you, our stories are so similar in ways.

You cannot live without a fulfilling sex life, its your boyfriends choice to do that if he wants to. But he's not really your boyfriend if you dont want to rip his clothes off every night.

Please dont waste your life and dont waste his and your time with this ...I dont really know what to call it.....friendship I suppose.

The whole package is out there, I left a sexless marriage (despite major difficulties getting out, the sexless one will probably try anything to stop you, exept giving you a decent sex life that is! Dont listen its just another delay) and I have never regretted it. Am in a very happy and sexy relationship now.

Get out, dont waste any more time.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

Unregistered wrote: »

I still think about the other guy every day, memories of him are very much my 'happy place' and of course I can never let my OH know this. So there is a distance between us that was never there before but gradually it is feeling like it could work, and I want it to work.

i would not be able to consider a future with someone when all I can think about is my 'happy place' with someone else,

what happens if someone else comes along that you are as attracted to as the guy you had an affair with or even if the guy you had an affair with turns around again (i don't know that situation so maybe this is entirely unlikely) but meeting someone else again isn't a 1 in a million chance

i think you are wasting your time, and your partners time

LegacyUser

Hi Op ,im the OP in the other thread about not having sex with my GF.
Trust me I know how you feel prob better than any one.
Everything you are saying I can relate to…
I don’t agree with ppl saying oh leave and its not a life with out sex and all that crap.
Specially the last poster who says “he is not your BF unless you want to rip his cloths off every night…” .
IMO no matter how sexually active you are with your partner you will eventually cool down and that is true for most ppl.
Can you find some one who you have great sex life with and are a good match with?maybe
Is it worth leaving what you have to find out? well that is the question that only you can answer really.
I still don’t know the answer…all I know is that I do need to have sex in order to stay sane .
Some one here said that it will eat away at you…well I have to say that is true but again when you look at the alternatives ,its only you that can answer whether or not it’s worth chasing.
Im not sure if this helps any but IMO it is what it is and there is no simple solution to it really…

LegacyUser

I know exactly where you are coming from OP and even though the decision is yours to make, from reading the responses here – and from my own experience, a good sex life is really important. Its what joins you together as a couple in a way that you will never be joined with anyone else and when its not good or someone withholds it – whether they are incapable or using it as a weapon, the very fact that you are thinking so much about it should be telling to you. As a woman, part of the flattery of a relationship is that your oh finds you attractive and makes you feel beautiful.

You are building your own prison here. Do you not think that you are going to meet someone in the future that you are going to be very attracted to? Whether you are with your oh or not. And the fact that your needs aren’t being met – biology might do the talking for you. I was with a guy for numerous years and cheated on him all the time throughout the relationship with another man. The sex was useless and he had so many hang ups it wasn’t funny. He was emotionally stunted and very very damaged from sexual abuse from when he was younger. But I loved the bones of him without any doubt. I just fulfilled my sexual needs elsewhere. He was so selfish he didn’t even notice and throughout the entire relationship of faking it and massaging his ego, I never once felt bad for cheating as it was only a part of the relationship.

Im not saying get out there and get yourself a bit on the side, Im just saying what I done. My ex never found out, quite frankly, its none of his business and I don’t regret a thing. It is an option and one that can work with a willing third party. I was lucky in the fact that he never put any pressure on me to leave as he wasn’t the marrying kind. But nearly 10 years later we are still seeing each other. Maybe not so much on a regular basis now as I am single and have far more choice in who I decide to share my bed with. But if I did ever decide to enter a relationship again, it would be with someone who was sexually compatible for sure.

LegacyUser

I don’t agree with ppl saying oh leave and its not a life with out sex and all that crap.
Specially the last poster who says “he is not your BF unless you want to rip his cloths off every night…” .

Its such a pity you dont believe me, but I guess peopl4 can only go on their own experiences.

When people say the sex calms down, they mean it goes from several times a day say at first to a regular average 3 times a week say, not from normal to nothing.

You are afraid to jump from this bad situation because you believe there is nothing better out there?

Well, thats wrong, there is plenty better out there. It will be sad if you build a life with your oh (house/kids etc) and then too late realise you could have had a much better match.

Dont make a gilded prison for yourself through fear, its difficult to escape, you have time now but once you are into property and kids it gets so much more complicated.

Dont allow fear and underconfidence in finding better get the better of you.

Oh and with a good match sex can stay hot for a long long time.

And you are contradicting yourself on one hand you say you dont agree with ppl saying its not a life without sex and on the other you say you need sex to be sane. I think you need to think things through more and be more honest with yourself.

seosamh1980

You are only fooling yourself and each other if you think this relationship has a chance of working and as for the friends that told you it was a blip and to bury it and not tell him should be ashamed of themselves.
There should be no cheating, simple as.
Split up and find someone you will be happy with

LegacyUser

OP here again

Know yourself wrote: »

someone withholds it – whether they are incapable or using it as a weapon, the very fact that you are thinking so much about it should be telling to you. As a woman, part of the flattery of a relationship is that your oh finds you attractive and makes you feel beautiful.

But I loved the bones of him without any doubt.

I appreciate where you are coming from but that's not really the case here. If anyone is withholding it at this point it's me.

Can i ask if you loved the bones of him what made you decide it to finally finish it?

Can you find some one who you have great sex life with and are a good match with?maybe
Is it worth leaving what you have to find out? well that is the question that only you can answer really

I suppose this is what it boils down to doesn't it.

I've never been much of a risk taker or a gambler. It seems a huge gamble to take with my own and his happiness to throw away what we have to look for something that only 'maybe' exists.

There is also the fact that as someone said on the other thread that a big break up like that could taint everything in the future. I mean really who is going to want to get involved with someone still in their 20s who has broken up a marriage for such a shallow reason. Who would want the baggage? Damaged goods?

And I do feel shallow. And i think I'd hate myself for breaking his heart. I already hate myself for even thinking like this.

I wish i never met the other guy. I'd have been so much better off not knowing what I was missing.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

I wish i never met the other guy. I'd have been so much better off not knowing what I was missing.

Well, that was your own doing so there's no point saying that to yourself.

I have to admit i find it very very hard to sympathise with you although i'm trying hard. You went for the other lad because you were sexually attracted to him and you wanted to have sex all the time and that's fantastic but then he dumped you and what did you do? You went back to your ex. This is what I just can't understand. You knew what you were missing and what you wanted in a partner but you went back to your ex, and worse still you went back to him more for friendship than anything.

I know you're worried that it's a shallow reason to dump someone because you don't like the sex but it really isn't. You'll be a much bigger person if you break up with him and I have to reiterate this: be completely honest with him when you do. You've been lying to this chap for a while now so I think he deserves the truth. I've been dumped before without getting the whole story and it absolutely wrecked my head for ages meaning the whole bloody thing went on longer. I've also been dumped and given the reasons why and i got over it much quicker probably because i know why it failed.

Your relationship hasn't a chance of being resalvaged. One previous poster said "He isn't your boyfriend unless you want to rip his clothes off every night" and they are absolutely right. I've been in a celebate relationship before (for her religious reasons) and after a while, although we got on great and i loved her, I started to feel like she wasn't even attracted to me. It's a horrible feeling and can absolutely shatter the male ego which needs to be stroked once in a while. I stayed with her though, then i got dumped. Fast forward a few years later and she's getting busy with lads now. Even when i heard that and ive no feelings for her I always think "I can't believe i wasted so much ****ing time on her!:mad:"

This has to stop immediatly. He will be hurt a lot but he'll get over it. He'll be a lot worse if you keep lying to him because you will more than likely cheat on him again whether you want to admit that to yourself or not. I am all for giving everything a second chance but this is 100% dead in the water and the longer you let it go on for, the worse your making it for him.

LegacyUser

I post this in the full knowledge that I will probably get a lot of negative reaction to some of what I have done but believe me noone could be harsher on me than I have been on myself so fire away!

Right so I will, you are being a selfish girl and you know it, for all your rhetoric about loving your husband you have done nothing but suit yourself, Im not talking about the affair here I am talking about running back to him after and using him as a comfort blanket and making a fool of him by lying to him about the circumstances. Yoy say you went to counselling but didnt tell the "full truth" -well why did you bother wasting everyones time? For appearances? To cover up your own lies and nothing else. You have GOT to stop playing this stupid game. Of course the counselling did no good, the counsellor was counselling an imaginary couple not knowing the real circumstances.

Eventually I left my OH. He never knew about the affair. It would have destroyed him and i hope he never knows.

Its a natural propensity in humans to explain away all the bad things they do as being "for the good of others" and we have a perfect example here, but you are lying to yourself, your main motivation here in concealing things is not to protect your husband but to protect yourself. You admitted you didn't tell him the truth when you went back and his faith on yourselves is based on a lie. How can you claim to love this guy, you are making a fool of him.

unless I am locked the thoughts of him touching me sexually..........no, just no

Thats it, in a simple nutshell, you are going around and around in circles, making decisions, breaking them, splitting hairs over trivia, I would say you have your friends driven mad.

You ask here for advice other than A, B and C, well A and B are your answers, you cant ask for advice get it and then say I dont like it, so there must be other better advice.

There isnt, you admit to being afraid of going out of this relationship and there being nothing better to go to, well that could happen, but as someone with extensive experience i can tell you its a good deal more likely you will find a much better match, anyway that is in your own control.

But what is imperative is you stop using this man, you say you love him, but you are fooling yourself/ or else you dont understand what real love is, and I dont think he does either or he would never put up with your franknly terrible behaviour.

What you should do is come clean, let him understand who you REALLY are. Accept who you really are yourself and stop clinging to your husband like some sort of human life raft. Let him get along with his life, he deserves someone who will treat him better.

LegacyUser

Would it not be an idea to sit you OH down and explain to him that the sex hasn't be the best in the past and work on it together? im sure if you try an teach him some new things he would love it

LegacyUser

OP here again

Unregistered wrote: »

, I would say you have your friends driven mad.

You ask here for advice other than A, B and C, well A and B are your answers, you cant ask for advice get it and then say I dont like it, so there must be other better advice.

I've no doubt you are right. And yes i know that A B and C are the options, or rather finding which of B or C will make me happy as per A.

I suppose rather than looking for different advice I was hoping someone would make some comment that would ring true for me and make me realise which is best.

Comments like "using him as a comfort blanked" etc certainly ring true, and "not knowing what real love is"

I'm not sure either of us do know. As I said originally we got together very young and experienced little else. His only experience left him guilty and mine heartbroken. We maybe are clinging to each other like life-rafts.

I can see myself following a lot of the advice in this thread but telling him about the affair - no way. Yes of course there are selfish concerns behind that but also I don't want to leave him damaged or unable to trust someone else again. I really do want him to be happy, be it with me or someone else. But he only seems to be able to imagine happiness with me. And when he has literally been the other half of me for over a decade, when we have spent our whole adult lives together so far it is difficult not to see the world through his eyes.

Objectively I know I should have stayed away when I left first, but i wasn't strong enough to, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave again if that's what I did decide was best.

I know there is a strong argument that he should know the whole truth but if we are to have a future together he can't. And I'm still not convinced that we can't have that future. Sex is the only problem, in every other way he is the man I want to be with. if I could be sure we could get by the sex thing I would spend the rest of my life making it up to him for what I have done. Surely there are other people out there in marriages who have done this? I'd certainly love to hear from them if there are.

In some ways it feels like it would be martyrdom to throw away an otherwise god relationship and be lonely the rest of my life to atone for my sins; othertimes it feels like an act of martyrdome to stay.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

As I said originally we got together very young and experienced little else. His only experience left him guilty and mine heartbroken. We maybe are clinging to each other like life-rafts.

It literally is inexperience that is holding you both in this totally unneccessary and overcomplicated mess. Look, from a totally objective point of view here, YOU are trying to captain this ship for both of you and you just are not qualified, you are lurching from one mess to another.

In trying to hide the previous mess you are building a new mess, and on and on it goes. Truth is not just a pretty concept, its the ONLY way to create and maintain a proper relationship. You keep saying 'if we could only fix this sex thing everything would be fine' ....you CANT 'fix this sex thing' -its intertwined with every other facet of the relationship, its not something compartmentalised, its kaput because its a barometer for everything else in the relationship and frankly everything else is kaput as well !

I can see myself following a lot of the advice in this thread but telling him about the affair - no way. Yes of course there are selfish concerns behind that but also I don't want to leave him damaged or unable to trust someone else again.

Its not about what you want for him, he needs to be damaged and to realise the folly of blind obedient trust in people, it will wake him up to reality and although he will be hurt temporarily he will heal and grow and become a much more realised man through the experience. You have no business making decisions for him like he was a child.

But he only seems to be able to imagine happiness with me.

Yes! Of course he does, he sees only a sanitised, idealised version of you, if he knew the truth he would see your feet of clay and that problem would be solved.

I really do want him to be happy, be it with me or someone else.

If that is true, tell him the truth and let him make the decision, be it with you or someone else. After all you state you really want him to be happy be it with you or someone else.

And when he has literally been the other half of me for over a decade, when we have spent our whole adult lives together so far it is difficult not to see the world through his eyes.

Ive been there, I do understand, I met my first love at 17 and we broke at 25, I know what its like to be that bonded, eventually though some of these relationships become platonic. It is hard to break them apart, but break they must.

You see it through his eyes, let him see it through your eyes. You are living a lie every day.

Objectively I know I should have stayed away when I left first, but i wasn't strong enough to, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave again if that's what I did decide was best.

Find the strength, weakness can be changed, its your decision.

I know there is a strong argument that he should know the whole truth but if we are to have a future together he can't.

So you are taking his choice away from him? Can you live with that lie for the rest of your life?
You wont be able to, there will be "leakage" -there always is, the truth will out eventually. You cannot build castles on sand.

Surely there are other people out there in marriages who have done this? I'd certainly love to hear from them if there are.

I dont know any, but some may come onto the thread....

In some ways it feels like it would be martyrdom to throw away an otherwise god relationship and be lonely the rest of my life to atone for my sins; othertimes it feels like an act of martyrdome to stay.

It is an act of cowardice to stay, you are hurting you both. As for being lonely the rest of your life if you leave, dont be silly.

Semele

Unregistered wrote: »

Its not about what you want for him, he needs to be damaged and to realise the folly of blind obedient trust in people, it will wake him up to reality and although he will be hurt temporarily he will heal and grow and become a much more realised man through the experience. You have no business making decisions for him like he was a child.

I think this is terrible advice, quite frankly. Why hurt the poor man more than he is presumably going to be already? He knows they had problems since they broke up over them, the OP has indicated that he is aware of her lack of sexual interest in him... if they break up again over it do you not think he will be "damaged" enough without needing to be told that she spends her time wistfully fantasising about another man?

Obviously, if the OP decides to leave him then he does need to be told the reason why- that although she loves him, it is not in the way it should be- but that (no matter how sensitively a person broaches the subject) is absolutely the sh*ttiest, most fundamentally wounding, thing a you can ever hear from someone you are in love with. There is no need for them to rub salt in the wound by talking about some total stranger that they, on the other hand, really DO feel that way about! At that stage, should it come, talking about the other man is really redundant.

Don't claim that the OP doesn't love her husband because that is really unfair to her. It might not be "true love" in the ideal sense, it might well be born out of security and familiarity and shared experiences...but it is still love, and causing pain to someone you love is (hopefully!) not something anyone would find easy to do. I don't think what is evident here is someone who is thinking only of themselves- it is someone genuinely torn in two.

Your decision is a hideous one to make OP. TBH, in years of lurking round on this forum I don't think I've ever actually felt so sorry for anyone! I would suggest that you go to counselling on your own though, because this is very much your problem and your decision to make. Talking to someone non-judgemental will help you clarify things and will relieve some of the burden you are under now.

It's a horrible position to be in because, ideally speaking, you should leave, find someone you have that magic with and let your husband do the same so that both your lives will be better than they are now. Can you spend the rest of your life knowing that you have made the choice to close off that entire aspect of your life? Do you think that the love you have for your husband would survive this and that you would still find contentment in other aspects of your life, or would growing resentment taint all of it for you in the end, thereby making it all worthless? Your husband is not a fool- he knows that your relationship is far from perfect and even though he can't imagine life without you now he, like you previously, doesn't know what he's missing! You might even be able to remain friends and still be part of each others lives in the future.

On the other hand, you might never find someone better. I know this goes against the platitudes people tend to offer in these situations, but it is the case. This forum alone is full of people who cannot find love. You enjoy your husband's company, you can see a good life with him, you do have love for him and he loves you very much. That is a lot. Although sex is important to a relationship, so are all of those things. You might find dozens of people that you have an amazing physical connection to, but without all the rest how much will this actually mean to you in the end?

I'm sorry I can't advise you at all- I really don't have anything to suggest beyond seeing a counsellor and trying to get things straight in your own head before you make any life-changing decisions. Neither path is going to be easy- which would you regret not taking the most though??

LegacyUser

Semele wrote: »

I think this is terrible advice, quite frankly. Why hurt the poor man more than he is presumably going to be already?

I agree with semele, I am pretty astonished at some of the so called advice been offered here about just walking away. Yes sex is a part of any relationship, but there is much more to a relationship, it's called love. Been in Love is about sticking by each other in the good and bad times. Truth and communication is key here, talk to him if you love each other there will be away to overcome any difficulties.

Many peolpe seemed to have taken the view that sex is love, but it's not. The poster that says “he is not your BF unless you want to rip his cloths off every night…” .

Doesn't seem like the basis for a long term relationship to me. what does she do just walk way and break a heart when the sex becomes boring, did she not mention she was on her second relationship already (speaks for itself). In along term relationships partners do get bored with each other, so you have to talk about it work at away to make sex more interesting and fun. It's a natural thing to desire sex with other people, but is love not also about having respect for the one you love and thinking about their feelings. It seems that alot of peolpe that posted here are all for the "me situation" self centered and not caring this seems like the road to a loney life and not one of sharing a life and friendship which are qualities I would value in a long term relationship

Am not judging or advising I just feel for you and the situation your in and wanted to provide some food for thought. I wish you well

Wagon

OP, I want to direct your attention to this quote here:

Unregistered wrote: »

There is no spark, there is no passion. We are tactile and affectionate but unless I am locked the thoughts of him touching me sexually..........no, just no.

And now take a look at this almighty U turn:

And I'm still not convinced that we can't have that future.

You don't have a future because your first post said that you wanted the kinky sex and he can't provide that. It's not his fault or yours because there's no spark between you. What is your fault is that your willingly letting this go on.

I can see myself following a lot of the advice in this thread but telling him about the affair - no way.

This is where I just about lost any respect for you. He deserves to know the whole truth because it will help him get over you quicker but you're even denying him that! You've done so much damage already and yet you're willing to cause more for him! Regardless of what you said about not wanting to hurt him is absolute bull****! You don't want to feel guilty yourself so you're prepared to go ahead and prolong his suffering.

I know there is a strong argument that he should know the whole truth but if we are to have a future together he can't.

I'm going to type this in bold so you actually read it and maybe perhaps take it on board: You don't have a future with this man!

You have willingly made a complete balls of everything from the affair onwards. It made me sick reading your post that you're prepared to do this to someone and feign it off as ignorance :mad: You know full well what's going on and it can't be fixed. If you stay, you'll cheat on him in the future with someone else and probably won't tell him that either.

All this advice is coming from a 22 year old with his head in the clouds and yet even I know what's going on here. You don't want the guilt of ending a long term relationahip and so your prolonging it because "you love him". You don't ****ing love him, not in a sexual way! You love him as a friend and that's the most depressing situation in a relationship.

End this "relationship" at once, tell him the whole truth and get on with your life and let him get on with his. And you'll meet someone else and you won't end up alone but you have to get out of your comfort zone and do it. If you want to leave this relationship with any honour, you will tell him the whole truth and cut contact. The chap isn't at fault here and if he's to get over you he needs to know the whole truth. That means telling him everything.

LegacyUser

OP why the double standards???

You pester you're OH for the details of his affair,
and then dont have the courage to own up to your own

On the face of that alone it seems you're not equals
You eventually forgave him, but you dont credit him with the ability to do same for you?
IMO you dont really respect your OH

Leave him be he'd be happy in the long run without you

Kirnsy

i think (and i could be crucified for this) that its awful that you are leading this man on. you have had an affair for months, left him for another man, you left him thinking you walked out because of him, the other man gets bored of you so you come back to the OH.

i think you are too scared to contemplate leaving the relative comfort of this man's affections. i also agree with the other posters believing that you see him more as a friend than sexual partner. and i think you owe it to him to be honest with him and stop living this lie. you're relationship is suffering because of the dishonesty.

LegacyUser

Unre453534 wrote: »

OP why the double standards???

You pester you're OH for the details of his affair,
and then dont have the courage to own up to your own

On the face of that alone it seems you're not equals
You eventually forgave him, but you dont credit him with the ability to do same for you?
IMO you dont really respect your OH

Leave him be he'd be happy in the long run without you

I forgave him for a one-nighter before we were married.
No i don't think he would forgive me for having an ongoing affair after we were married.

And it's not like he owned up to it. He got himself got out very badly, and he bare faced denied it for as long as he could.

NewFrockTuesday

Why would she tell him? If she leaves him thats going to be bad enough without throwing oil on the fire. Hes going to be hurt enough anyway with out the additional pain of knowing she was with someone else.

Yes, its having double standards and dishonesty, but she has to live with that. Why smash him by telling him? And they wont be friends after. How could they?

shellyboo

Deepsense wrote: »

Why would she tell him? If she leaves him thats going to be bad enough without throwing oil on the fire. Hes going to be hurt enough anyway with out the additional pain of knowing she was with someone else.

Yes, its having double standards and dishonesty, but she has to live with that. Why smash him by telling him? And they wont be friends after. How could they?

I'd far rather know that a partner who was leaving me was a dishonest, selfish cheater than to think I just wasn't enough for them. I'd prefer to be able to be angry.

OP, leave this man. He can do better than you, even if he doesnt think so. He deserves someone who isn't constantly thinking he's not good enough for them, and at this stage you owe him his happiness at the very least.

Wagon

Deepsense wrote: »

Why would she tell him? If she leaves him thats going to be bad enough without throwing oil on the fire. Hes going to be hurt enough anyway with out the additional pain of knowing she was with someone else.

I remember a mate of mine telling me he was with a girl for a year and a half and it was his first girlfriend. Then he found out she was cheating on him. He rang her and his responce to her cheating was something along the lines of "Bye!". And then within a few weeks was over it and never looked back. There was no loose ends, none of that "closure" crap and he could get on with his life.

Yes, its having double standards and dishonesty, but she has to live with that. Why smash him by telling him? And they wont be friends after. How could they?

There's no way they are going to be friends anyway. He'll need space and eventually he'll ask for it. I remember the last girl whom i asked for a bit of space. It was a year and a half ago and I haven't spoken to her since and not because of any harboured feelings. I just don't want to. And since when were double standards acceptable anyway?

NewFrockTuesday

I'd far rather know that a partner who was leaving me was a dishonest, selfish cheater than to think I just wasn't enough for them. I'd prefer to be able to be angry.

But why? Why take all that extra pain? He already probably knows that there is something broken in the relationship and a break up would not be entirely unexpected.

And the trust issues that would follow on to his next relationship would be far great er than they are now. Its just pouring hurt upon hurt.

Live with it OP. You brought it on yourself. Dont try to lessen your pain that you cheated by giving it away to him. He doesnt deserve it.

Just saw this

I remember a mate of mine telling me he was with a girl for a year and a half and it was his first girlfriend. Then he found out she was cheating on him. He rang her and his responce to her cheating was something along the lines of "Bye!". And then within a few weeks was over it and never looked back. There was no loose ends, none of that

"closure" crap

and he could get on with his life.

You say it yourself. Its crap. He should just move on instead of thinking about her with another man> What exactly is she going to say? "I dont want to hurt your feelings here, but he was way better in bed and fulfilled my every desire far more than you ever could" Is that what he would need to hear cited as one of the reasons for his marriage is breaking up?

There's no way they are going to be friends anyway.

Not unless he has a super human ammount of forgiveness in him I agree.

He'll need space and eventually he'll ask for it. I remember the last girl whom i asked for a bit of space. It was a year and a half ago and I haven't spoken to her since and not because of any harboured feelings.

She should give it to him too. Nothing wrong with that.

I just don't want to.

Normal no? Thats your bag in any case.

And since when were double standards acceptable anyway?

People live by and with them everyday. If as in this case it can prevent further hurt, why not?

LegacyUser

Im in favour of telling him the truth, of telling the truth under most circumstances.
I cant stand all this "saving him from hurt" bull, its doing nothing but making a sucker of the man. Hes already been cuckolded, she is by admission not even attracted to him and using him as a life raft, where does the disrespect veiled as "protecting him from hurt" ever end?

Cover ups do nothing but complicate matters and another thing to understand what is going on in life and why things happen is important for an individual, we learn through experience. If someone conceals their whole personalty and actions from their partner, all they are doing is treating them like a convenience not a person much less a partner.

His mind will never settle, will never make proper sense of it. And plus he will go on throughout life never understanding the importance of keeping the home fires burning, which is where are this mess stemmed from.

Anyway, keeping him in the dark is just making a dumb fool of him and as every woman knows you cannot respect a man that you are smarter than. Deny it all you like but you cant.

She will be back cheating again if they draw a veil over it!

NewFrockTuesday

and as every woman knows you cannot respect a man that you are smarter than

Lol. Brilliant. Not even the guts to say it under your real user name.

BOT

OP - have you come any closer to deciding what to do?

LegacyUser

OP here again:

Jesus this is turning into an almost academic debate among you guys. I haven't decided I am leaving him at all never mind what to tell him if I do.

So many of you seem to say i should tell him I cheated so he knows why i am leaving.

I would not be leaving because i cheated. That is over and in the past.

The cheating was a symptom of the underlying problem. He knows what that problem is. If I left he would know why, without having to list every symptom.

CathyMoran

In two minds here, in theory he should know why you have been distant so that you can solve your problems, but by telling him you will only hurt him more...

Sparks are great but they do not make a marriage, it takes more than that - the old chestnut of councelling could work but when I went with it for a troubled relationship it forced us apart (we since got married though). You have to decide what you really want - do you want fireworks in the bedroom or a soulmate in every other sense, personally I would pick the latter.

It need not be the end of the road, all relationships have speedbumps, you just had big ones.

Terodil

I would not be leaving because i cheated. That is over and in the past.

No. The cheating is not over before you have come clear.

Wagon

Deepsense wrote: »

You say it yourself. Its crap. He should just move on instead of thinking about her with another man>

I can see where your coming from on this. I really can and I'm not having a go at you here but please take this on board:

This poor bloke is going to torture himself a lot worse if he feels he didn't get the full picture. I know I would. You'd be suprised how much the truth (however painful) can be a great healer. I'm not getting into details but I've been left in the dark before and I knew it. I found out the full story eventually (from someone else) and it hurt quite a bit and just prolonged the suffering. I'd much rather have it all dropped on me at once so I can start the healing process faster. I am willing to bet my week's wages that most men (and women) will agree with me there. "Letting someone down gently" by leaving out some details is a LOT worse.

Unregistered wrote: »

I would not be leaving because i cheated. That is over and in the past.

No it isn't and you bloody well know it! :mad: Yet again, it's another ****ing example of you brushing something under the rug! You need to pull your head out your arse OP and realise that the bloke is a human being! I know I'm coming across as harsh but at thsi stage, sympathy has gone out the window. The only person I feel sorry for is your "boyfriend".

NewFrockTuesday

This poor bloke is going to torture himself a lot worse if he feels he didn't get the full picture. I know I would. You'd be suprised how much the truth (however painful) can be a great healer. I'm not getting into details but I've been left in the dark before and I knew it. I found out the full story eventually (from someone else) and it hurt quite a bit and just prolonged the suffering

Taken on board and can see exactly where you are coming from. Both senarios are so opposite that we can post here all day and not reach an accord.

OP - you now say its in the past and symptomatic of the underlying problem. So leave it there until you decide what youre going to do.

Its not easy to leave someone - married or not. The repercussions are far reaching as you well know. I suppose the first step is to decide whether or not you are going to leave him. Then deal with what/if youre going to tell him. Its a huge issue and one that you wont find answers for here. We're all human, we all make mistakes and bashing you for them isint helpful.

Good luck.

Wagon

Deepsense wrote: »

Taken on board and can see exactly where you are coming from. Both senarios are so opposite that we can post here all day and not reach an accord.

Agree to disagree

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again:

Jesus this is turning into an almost academic debate among you guys. I haven't decided I am leaving him at all never mind what to tell him if I do.

So many of you seem to say i should tell him I cheated so he knows why i am leaving.
.

Keep living the lie !!!

Always the best and most sound basis for a relationship / marriage (whether beginning or on the rocks!)

You've already crushed this guy's sole leave him be

NewFrockTuesday

You've already crushed this guy's sole leave him be

Walk away!:D