In a huge mess

LegacyUser

Hi

I would appreciate some opinions on my situation which is a bit of a mess TBH. This could be fairly long, so apologies in advance and please bear with me.

I have a 2.5 year old son with woman A. We were together for approx 2 years when he was born, and we split up when he was approx 1.5 years old. Reasons for the split were, among other things - her utter need for control and bossiness to the point of near-madness, possible post-natal depression, and also my temper outbursts (never touched her) and my drinking and general immaturity.

So I moved back to my own house when we split up, and we made arrangements for joint custody of our son and it has worked out very well in the intervening 1.5 years. We both love our son with all our hearts and decided to put him first always. I have him every Tues for an overnight and every 2nd weekend from Fri afternoon to Sun evening. So I know I am one of the lucky ones and she has never tried to use my custody as a threat in any way. We even have dinner together on occasion and were always flexible where needed when it came to our boy. We have keys to each others houses and we are both still friendly with the others family.

I suppose you could say that we became really good friends, which we were before we hit it off originally. She always said that our son needs his father in his life and she has told me many times that I am a brilliant father, as I have told her she is a brilliant mother. A few times in the year after we split up, I thought about talking to her again about a reconciliation, but it just didn't feel right at the time and I didn't hink she would want anything like that. I noticed a real softening in her attitude to me, and life in general and I liked it.

I didn't date at all for a long time after we split up. Then approx 6 months ago I met woman B and we hit it off. She is everything woman A is not in terms of bossiness and is generallly easy-going, yet exciting in every way. I loved doing things with her - simple stuff like walking on the beach and going away for nights/weekends, or just cooking for each other and watching DVDs etc. I developed very deep feelings for woman B and thought this was great i.e. she was brilliant with my son, got on well with all my friends and never gave me any hassle, nor did I her. Plus the sex was mind-blowing and we couldn't get enough of each other.

Fast forward to Xmas and woman A says she still loves me, that she made a huge mistake and would give anything to try again. This was after she had wished me well with woman B in the previous months, so I don't think it was a case of her wanting me because someone else had me.

So I spent the whole Xmas tortured in my mind about what to do. I cannot hide my feelings when something is on my mind and so I told woman B as she guessed something was up. My heart and mind was telling me not to give her up, but I thought I was doing the right thing for my son, so I did just that, and she probably hates me now, we haven't spoken since then.

So I am seeing woman A and we are doing nice things together with our son and he is enjoying it. We have both changed since we were last together. She has mellowed alot and I have matured alot.

But I cannot get woman B out of my mind. Firstly because she didn't deserve to be treated this way, and secondly because I feel more friendship to woman A than any real sexual attraction. Don't get me wrong, she is an extremely attractive woman, but I feel we have spent so long as friends now, that the sexual attraction we once felt for each other is so long gone, that it can't come back.

We have only slept together once since we got back together and it wasn't anything like our previous encounters, in fact it felt strange, and it also felt like it was far too soon, but she wanted it and I went along with it.

But I cannot get woman B out of my head and I'm afraid I may have made a huge mistake. I know that she is gone now, but I can't help thinking that I acted too soon and should have put more thought into the whole situation, or at least spent a few months on my own if I wasn't sure.

Not sure what I am loooking for here - any opinions or advice would be welcome, I suppose I am just offloading as I have no-one else really that I can run this by and it's eating me up.

And I know it might seem that I want the best of both worlds, but I am not the type to be unfaithful to a woman and I just want to know why it feels like doing the right thing is not what I thought it would be, and do you think that I should continue and see if woman A and me can break out of the friendship zone that we seem to be stuck in.

Sorry for the confusion here, and I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I am not a troll or taking the p**s in any way, this is gospel truth.

Thanks in advance.

AARRRGH

I can understand how confused you feel, but you need to let woman B go. You've already hurt her, and if you leave woman A in pursuit of woman B again, you're just going to hurt woman A...

Basically, whatever you do, you are going to hurt people. And you need to stop hurting people.

So, let woman B move on with her life.

As to what you should do with woman A... feck, that's a tricky one! I guess the obvious thing to do is to try to get your sex life going again. A good start would be talking to her about it...

Good luck.

crazzzzy

yes you probably should have taken few months alone to decide what you wanted but at the time it wasn't an easy decision so don't beat yourself up over it.
Do you think if you really loved B you wouldn't have broke up with her to be with someone you felt only friendship love for? You said you have great friendship with A and there was no hassle over custody so why did you think it would be better for you son?

You need to decide whether you can be satisfied with A and sort out that relationship. Its not gonna be better for your son if you're unhappy.

Have you tried contacting B since the breakup? I expect she was very hurt over what happened & may not trust you again but only she knows that.

LegacyUser

AARRRGH wrote: »

I can understand how confused you feel, but you need to let woman B go. You've already hurt her, and if you leave woman A in pursuit of woman B again, you're just going to hurt woman A...

Basically, whatever you do, you are going to hurt people. And you need to stop hurting people.

So, let woman B move on with her life.

As to what you should do with woman A... feck, that's a tricky one! I guess the obvious thing to do is to try to get your sex life going again. A good start would be talking to her about it...

Good luck.

Thanks. We did discuss it Sat night and agreed we love each other, but how to get the excitement back again is a tricky one alright. When we say we love each other though, is it the same as being in love? I am not sure. I will always love her as she is the mother of the best child anyone could ever ask for. But there is no excitement, or maybe it's just too soon after finishing up with woman B and I am still confused.

LegacyUser

crazzzzy wrote: »

yes you probably should have taken few months alone to decide what you wanted but at the time it wasn't an easy decision so don't beat yourself up over it.
Do you think if you really loved B you wouldn't have broke up with her to be with someone you felt only friendship love for? You said you have great friendship with A and there was no hassle over custody so why did you think it would be better for you son?

You need to decide whether you can be satisfied with A and sort out that relationship. Its not gonna be better for your son if you're unhappy.

Have you tried contacting B since the breakup? I expect she was very hurt over what happened & may not trust you again but only she knows that.

I thought it would be better for my son if Mam and Dad were together full-time and it would be a more stable environment for him to be growing up in, and I have to give it a shot for his sake as I love him so much.

I'm not unhappy with A as such, we had a lovely weekend together and even went out for a few drinks Sat night, something she wouldn't have done for a long time in our previous relationship. We are not planning on moving in together or anything anytime soon, so there is no pressure on either of us.

I stayed over Sat night and we slept in her bed. And that means just slept and cuddled. This is after having sex the weekend before but neither of us seemed to want to make a move 2 nights ago. And all the time I was lying next to her I was thinking of B and the times we had together.

I haven't contacted B since the breakup, except to say that we should have no contact when she texted me last week. I can't play the game of having contact with her while trying to make a go of it with A. Yes I'd say she was very hurt at the breakup and probably a bit confused. And I did love her, took a while to realise it, but I did, and she said she loved me too. And it was more of an easy-going, no-pressure love than I ever had with A.

But A isn't being pushy now. She said in bed Sat night to take my time and come to my own decisions when I am ready, and she will be ok with it whatever I decide, but that she loves me.

So as you can imagine, my head is wrecked at the moment.

Thanks for the replies, it is really helping me to get all of this out.

Salome

Get the magic back - start dating woman A - romance her, woo her, remind yourself of why you started seeing her in the first place!

You've got to make an effort now - another separation will be hard on your son.

trishasaffron

Sounds to me like woman B was more the one for you. Also sounds like A decided she really wanted you only when you had got a good relationship going with B. I'd let A down as gently as poss and try and get back with B. But you'll know yourself in your own heart.

LegacyUser

Salome wrote: »

Get the magic back - start dating woman A - romance her, woo her, remind yourself of why you started seeing her in the first place!

You've got to make an effort now - another separation will be hard on your son.

Yes you are correct and this is what I want to do. But thoughts of woman B are constantly in my head.

Woman A said she absolutely knows that we could have a good life together if we make a go of this. We had a huge 3 hour chat a few weeks ago where I gave her loads and loads of reasons why I thought it wouldn't work. These were things that were a major problem in our previous relationship.

But she maintains that she was in a really bad place both before and after our son was born due to possible depression and what she termed "loss of control of her life" and that she is different now and she wants me to be a major part of her life. She has always been a fiercely independent woman and was single for many years before we got together, maybe that's what freaked her out when she got pregnant (it wasn't a planned event). And she took each point on board and said none of them were an issue for her anymore. We are not kids, we are both over 40.

It was she dumped me at the time and it almost destroyed me. I suppose I was trying to get my own back a bit by saying all these things to her a few weeks ago. But I have never seen her take on board stuff about herself like that before - this was the bossiest woman I had ever met till recently.

Lots of thinking to be done here for some time to come!!

LegacyUser

trishasaffron wrote: »

Sounds to me like woman B was more the one for you. Also sounds like A decided she really wanted you only when you had got a good relationship going with B. I'd let A down as gently as poss and try and get back with B. But you'll know yourself in your own heart.

Thanks Trisha, that's what I have been mostly thinking myself the last week or so, the bit about woman B being the one for me. I just cannot get her out of my head and the easy-going good times we had.

I don't think that A came out with all this just because she saw me going well with B though. When I told her months back, she was delighted for me, genuinely, after getting over the initial shock, and hasn't created any big stink about B meeting and spending time with our son.

I'll just have to give this time to see how I feel in a few weeks. I am pretty much single again anyway as I am only meeting A on weekends for a spin and a walk on the beach with smallie and dinner after and have stayed over twice, but nothing happened last Sat night. It is nice and I feel I have to give it a chance for smallie's sake.

B is gone for good at this stage anyway I'd say. I just wish I felt better about trying to make a go of it with A!! (don't know how to do smilies)

paperclip2

Hi OP, I dont know if this is going to make any sense but here goes. I think that these days we are under huge pressure to have the textbook relationship, the one thats fulfilling right from the start, the one you both work at, in a mutually supportive way to make it go from strength to strength, the kind of relationship you seem to be describing with woman B. You loved spending time with her, she fitted really well into your life. So yeah, from what you said it does sound like she could have been the better choice for you.

That being said there are relationships out there where its not perfect, where one, or even both partners aren't sure if this is the wine and roses 'other' that they've been looking for. Then the choice becomes stay or go. There are a lot of people who would say go, why would you stay where in a partnership where you aren't actually able to do that whole truly, madly, deeply committed thing, where you aren't fully 'in love' with the other person. Where the best thats on offer is a deep caring thats rooted in friendship and familiarity and perhaps some shared interests, maybe children.

But there are people who choose to stay in those sorts of relationships, and not with martyred 'For the sake of the children' air, but genuinely make the choice and are happy with it. There are different reasons why they choose to do this. Sometimes it can be that the fallout from the break-up would be too much for them to carry, that it would overshadow and taint anything they may have in the future. Sometimes while they may not be 'in love' with their partner they have other things in their lives that gives them the emotional connectedness they need. I'm not talking about an affair, I mean close friends, strong family links, a full, active and varied life.

Its not a solution that the majority might go for.:D I dont even think I could manage it myself. But it is out there and has worked for some.

I do think you need a good chunk of time to really get your head around all of this and to figure out what really made you leave woman B when the situation with your son and his mother was so well settled. Honestly she could have all the feelings in the world for you but what was it in you that made you seriously contemplate a reconciliation.

Anyway good luck with whatever you decide to do.:)

LegacyUser

paperclip2 wrote: »

Hi OP, I dont know if this is going to make any sense but here goes. I think that these days we are under huge pressure to have the textbook relationship, the one thats fulfilling right from the start, the one you both work at, in a mutually supportive way to make it go from strength to strength, the kind of relationship you seem to be describing with woman B. You loved spending time with her, she fitted really well into your life. So yeah, from what you said it does sound like she could have been the better choice for you.

That being said there are relationships out there where its not perfect, where one, or even both partners aren't sure if this is the wine and roses 'other' that they've been looking for. Then the choice becomes stay or go. There are a lot of people who would say go, why would you stay where in a partnership where you aren't actually able to do that whole truly, madly, deeply committed thing, where you aren't fully 'in love' with the other person. Where the best thats on offer is a deep caring thats rooted in friendship and familiarity and perhaps some shared interests, maybe children.

But there are people who choose to stay in those sorts of relationships, and not with martyred 'For the sake of the children' air, but genuinely make the choice and are happy with it. There are different reasons why they choose to do this. Sometimes it can be that the fallout from the break-up would be too much for them to carry, that it would overshadow and taint anything they may have in the future. Sometimes while they may not be 'in love' with their partner they have other things in their lives that gives them the emotional connectedness they need. I'm not talking about an affair, I mean close friends, strong family links, a full, active and varied life.

Its not a solution that the majority might go for.:D I dont even think I could manage it myself. But it is out there and has worked for some.

I do think you need a good chunk of time to really get your head around all of this and to figure out what really made you leave woman B when the situation with your son and his mother was so well settled. Honestly she could have all the feelings in the world for you but what was it in you that made you seriously contemplate a reconciliation.

Anyway good luck with whatever you decide to do.:)

What you are saying makes alot of sense my friend and I thank you for it.

As for your last paragraph, that is where my confusion lies. If I am to call it honestly, it was my son that was a huge reason for attempting reconciliation. We will always have that bond between us and in an ideal world we would be together, and I suppose that is what I have been thinking the last few weeks.

I have to retire for the night, up early and all that. I really appreciate people taking the time to reply to this. I will check again at work tomorrow and hope to hear more opinions/advice, as hearing an outside voice is really helping me get my head around the situation and actually being able to express things that I cannot tell anyone else is really helping me. Probably won't sleep, as usual, but goodnight and thanks.

The Sweeper

Is it possible the mother of your child was finding it hard to go it alone around the time she asked you to come back into her life?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and "for the sake of the children" is one of them. I think you need to take a bit of time off everyone and see how your feelings develop. It would be very bad if you soured your relationship with the mother of your child by leading her on for a couple of years and then breaking up again when your child is older.

NewFrockTuesday

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and "for the sake of the children" is one of them. I think you need to take a bit of time off everyone and see how your feelings develop. It would be very bad if you soured your relationship with the mother of your child by leading her on for a couple of years and then breaking up again when your child is older.

Spot on. You dont have to make a decision today or tomorrow, but you do need to start thinking in real terms about what youre going to do.

From reading your posts...you write very well by the way, if you can articulate to Woman B as clearly as you have here, then at least the lines of communication will be open. Everything in your posts indicate that you are in love with WOman B but love Woman A. I think this could be one of those few senarios in life where a man actually get the cakes and gets to eat it if you think it through properly. (Women of the forum, please dont go mad at me, Im a woman too)


A good relationship with your sons mother and being there for her is important and youre facing that head on, but I think the boundries are blurred a bit - natrually coloured by time and love for your son.

But there are people who choose to stay in those sorts of relationships, and not with martyred 'For the sake of the children' air, but genuinely make the choice and are happy with it. There are different reasons why they choose to do this. Sometimes it can be that the fallout from the break-up would be too much for them to carry, that it would overshadow and taint anything they may have in the future. Sometimes while they may not be 'in love' with their partner they have other things in their lives that gives them the emotional connectedness they need. I'm not talking about an affair, I mean close friends, strong family links, a full, active and varied life.

I know people like this too. Sometimes relationships evolve into friendships. It doesnt mean they are unhappy I agree...just different. But its still a genuine love and theres respect and care there.

LegacyUser

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Is it possible the mother of your child was finding it hard to go it alone around the time she asked you to come back into her life?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and "for the sake of the children" is one of them. I think you need to take a bit of time off everyone and see how your feelings develop. It would be very bad if you soured your relationship with the mother of your child by leading her on for a couple of years and then breaking up again when your child is older.

Good points there MAJD. I'd say she has certainly been lonely, I think for the first time in her life, she realises that just having lots of friends and family (which she does) just isn't enough anymore. She also has our son for the lion's share of the time. I would gladly take him for more time, but she doesn't want that.

When we split up, it appeared to me that she wanted her old life back (with a small boy as an extra) i.e. she didn't want to have to answer to anyone. I felt at the time that I had served my usefulness by giving her a child when she was in her late 30s, or at least that's what I thought she was thinking, and that I could go now as she no longer had any use for me. I had to fight hard to get her to agree to the terms of access, and she even consulted professionals who agreed with me.

But fair play to her, she has stuck by it and has never tried to make it an issue. I told her all of these things around Xmas, but she still maintains that it was the loss of control of her life issue, that I outlined previously.

I hear you on the "for the sake of the children" issue, and that has certainly clouded my judgement here. Maybe you're right, I should take time away from everyone till I get my head together.

LegacyUser

OP here again, I sometimes forget to type my name in the username section when I am replying.

Deepsense, when you say "articulate to Woman B as clearly as you have here", do you think it might be an idea to email a link to this post to woman B? Just to let her see what I am thinking and the dilemma that I am in? I really miss her and if I could just have a few weeks to get my head together and decide what I really want, things might be better.

I know this does sound selfish and wanting the best of both worlds, and possibly arrogant thinking that she would even consider waiting around till I decide what I want, and at the end of the day there is no guarantee it will be what she wants? Oh my head, my poor head, why can't life ever be straightforward ?!!

Thanks again to everyone for their replies, which have been very helpful.

NewFrockTuesday

No - I def would one million % not do that. It wouldnt be fair to put her under that duress. Youre the one who has to figure out which road he wants to tread down. You have to do that before you even adddress the fact that Woman B may not even want to speak to you.

Thats a step further down the rod. Figure out step one first - which is what do you want. All big problems get solved in baby steps.

Step two is then deciding how to achieve step one. Very different things.

WFW (Wait for Wibbs) He'll be along soon.

LegacyUser

Ok thanks Deepsense, that makes sense (no pun intended!).

As you say, step 1 here is the difficult one for me, and until I can figure that one out, there is no point in trying to move step 2. Good advice!!

Any other opinions welcome, I have seen Wibbs give out very good advice on this site (regular lurker, rarely post), so will also look forward to his contribution.

Monkey61

Ouch this is a tricky one. Op this is your life and I think whatever decision you come to has to be the one that is best for you.

Your son is very lucky in that he has two parents who adore him and want to spend time with him. Whether or not those parents live in the same house isn't going to make that much difference to him. You have to chose what makes you happiest, because ultimately it is those vibes that your son is going to pick up on. Better for him that Daddy is madly in love and in a wonderful fulfilling relationship then one in which he has made a lot of sacrifices but is settling.
Ditto his mother. Wouldn't you rather that she had the opportunity to find someone who can make her feel like Woman B does you? And that feels the same way about her?

That is not to say that you couldn't have a perfectly nice life with Woman A, but there is the possibility that your feelings for her are not going to ever be anything more than friendship. If that is the case, can you spend the rest of your life wondering if you are missing out on something special? What happens when your son leaves school and moves to another country to go to college? Will you and Woman A be happy together then?

You need to take a bit of time and really think about this. It doesn't seem like it is too late to win Woman B back if that is what you really want. But if you do choose to go down that road, make sure that it is what you really want. Maybe neither of these women are right for you and Woman C or D is just around the corner.

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

Your son is very lucky in that he has two parents who adore him and want to spend time with him. Whether or not those parents live in the same house isn't going to make that much difference to him. You have to chose what makes you happiest, because ultimately it is those vibes that your son is going to pick up on. Better for him that Daddy is madly in love and in a wonderful fulfilling relationship then one in which he has made a lot of sacrifices but is settling.
Ditto his mother. Wouldn't you rather that she had the opportunity to find someone who can make her feel like Woman B does you? And that feels the same way about her?

That is not to say that you couldn't have a perfectly nice life with Woman A, but there is the possibility that your feelings for her are not going to ever be anything more than friendship. If that is the case, can you spend the rest of your life wondering if you are missing out on something special? What happens when your son leaves school and moves to another country to go to college? Will you and Woman A be happy together then?

You need to take a bit of time and really think about this. It doesn't seem like it is too late to win Woman B back if that is what you really want. But if you do choose to go down that road, make sure that it is what you really want. Maybe neither of these women are right for you and Woman C or D is just around the corner.

Thanks Monkey61. I know what you say makes sense about a child being better off with 2 parents who are happy yet living apart. But would he not be happier with 2 parents who are reasonably happy living together? This is just something I think, but I am could be wrong and I would value you and other's opinions on this.

The rest of what you say I completely agree with. I am not going to settle though, if it doesn't feel right in the next few weeks, then I am going to stop it before it goes too far. That's my plan anyway, whether it will happen like I think, I don't know.

Woman A has not been seeing anyone else since we split up. I would not have minded if she had, as long as I knew that my son was ok with him and vice-versa. And she would not introduce just anyone to him, as I also didn't. She doesn't seem to have much interest in being with men since we split up. She had not been in a relationship for 10 years before we got together, and hasn't even thought about meeting anyone since. I dunno, she's a bit strange about things like that I guess.

Like you say, I need to step back and do alot of thinking over the next while, not that I'm not already driving myself crazy with thinking for the last few weeks!!

But posting here and getting other people's opinions has really helped me put a few things in perspective. As for winning back woman B, not sure if this would be possible and I wouldn't blame her if she told me to get lost. And as for woman C or D, that doesn't bear thinking about the way I am feeling at the moment :-)

Lobelia Overhill

<small bit a hijack>

I was the "B" woman in a situation like this ... the "A" woman was a control freak b!tch from hell who made the fella feel like sh!te. They broke up, he met me, we got along great and everything was fine - much like you are describing in your original post - then his ex got in contact with him, found out about me and started laying it on thick about how much he'd meant to her and she'd been in a "bad place" while they were dating blah de blah ... he dumped me and ran back to her.

As a 'parting shot' I told him to remember that day's date, so that in 10 years time when he's sitting in a pub crying in his beer about "where it all went wrong" he'd know the precise date. From what he'd said about his ex I knew (and told him) he'd end up marrying her within a year - because she'd "accidentally" get pregnant, she'd be controlling his life again in a heartbeat, and they'd be living near/with her equally nasty mother. He laughed in my face because she was a "changed woman" and none of that would happen.

Two years later I got an email from a familiar looking addy, out of curiosity I opened it and it was this fella (who's name I'd now forgotten) apologising to me profusely. Everything I'd said had come true. The GF told him he had to marry her because she was pregnant (turned out she wasn't), and they had to buy a house across the road from her mother. He was freaking out and my words came back to haunt him.

He dumped her immediately, but it took oever a year for her to get the hint that they were finished and NEVER getting back together ...

(I didn't want anything more to do with the above mentioned fella cos he insisted that we were never an "item" and he'd no idea where I'd gotten that notion from among other things - I think [giving him the benefit of the doubt] that he was embarrassed by what he'd done to me and was trying to make light of it, as if that was going to make me feel better about having my heart ripped out and stomped on, he also tried to insist that it was me trying to get back with him. A-hem, I've forgotten your name dude, and you emailed me ... )

My point being (if I had one!) was that "A" was jealous of his new relationship with me, she didn't fly into a rage, she asked who I was, and how things were going, offered him her best wishes, then phoned him weeks later when a song was playing on the radio that reminded her of the "good times" and she just had to phone him to gush ...

Women are devious like that ...

</small bit a hijack>

I'm not saying your "B" wouldn't have you back, but you are going to have to do a lot of talking before you get anywhere with her ... and possibly you'd be better off [for her sakes, using my own experience] leaving her alone.

Not sure you're any better off with "A" either tho;

Good luck to ye!

LegacyUser

Hi Lobelia, sorry to hear about your experience, sounds very nasty and well done for sticking to your guns.

Ref your last paragraph, there's my problem - I don't know what I want! I have decided to call A later tonight (when himself gone to bed) and have a chat about where she sees us going, and also to voice my concerns that the spark we once had doesn't seem to be returning yet, and does she think it ever will, and do I?

Back in the day, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, there's not much sign of that now. Maybe there's too much water under the bridge. Maybe it's the fact that I was with someone else till fairly recently - not very good at moving straight on, and could never even contemplate trying to play 2 women at the same time.

As for woman B, I think one way or the other, she is better off out of it. From what you say (and I value a woman's opinion here), she is better off if I leave her alone.

Whether I fall flat on my face and end up alone, well I'll just have to see. I've been on my own lots of times before and it doesn't frighten me.

Lobelia Overhill

I think, for the time being, you'd be better off staying single ...

aare

I DO think you need time to think this out...but I also think there is a possibility that your unconscious is hanging on to thoughts of woman "B" as a defence mechanism, in case of failing with woman "A"?

You have so much at stake there really...not just a romance, but a whole family, maybe for life...

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I am/was a sort of woman B.
Basically my ex and I broke up due to lack of communication, he had a one night stand, she got pregnant, and is now with the lady and their son.

I met my ex a few months ago. We both cried because we missed eachother so much. He thinks about me every day and (he lives in a different country) says he thinks he sees me walk down the street - but it is not me. I know that he means all this. I know that if it wasn't for his son, we would be together. I would have him back too.

However, I don't think this is the right thing. He should stay with his lady A and his son. That is the best thing for him and for his son. I know that he respects and loves the mother of his child. I do not believe he a huge sexual attraction for her, but both of us think it would be wrong to leave her. Even clinical stuff like - she works full time and he minds his son in their home - if he left her he would lose that. Like what paperclip2 said, there are different types of relationships, and I think that this relationship works for him at the moment. I think that my ex should work on the relationship he has with Lady A as much as he can. Hopefully they will be able to stay together forever, and be happy ever after - or, if they break up, he will know he gave it his best shot.

Finally, I've been through a load of relationships myself. In my opinion, six months is still the honey moon periods. I think you can be with anyone for a year - it is only after a year and a half that you see if those cute traits are actually annoying habits, or still cute traits. So when you think of Lady B, bear that in mind.

I think you should absolutely not contact Lady B. It will only lead to heartache for her. Particularly when you don't even know what you want. It will only mess up her head.

As for my situation, I already know what my ex wants, but it is too hard when he is in contact, it does mess with my head.

LegacyUser

OP, maybe the excitement is not there with woman A because you've known he so long that it's almost as if you've been in a relationship. Lots of people talk about the sexual excitemnet waning in ong term relationships, unlike the spark at the beginning of a new one. Your relationship with woman B may have gone that way too eventually. Just something to think about...

crazzzzy

Do you think you might be putting off making decision cause you don't wanna deal with the reaction of A? Are you afraid she might make it difficult to spend time with your son?

I think your doing the right thing by talking to her....be totally honest. Maybe ye need to get to know eachother again and make eachother feel special. Its a bit worrying that neither of ye wants to have sex though especially since ye had good sex life before. Talk to her bout all of this though and it will help clear your head. Maybe you are bit scared she'll hurt you again and are afraid of getting too close.

Was your son happy with the situation before you got back with A? I do believe as long as you and A get on well as it won't affect him if ye not a couple.

Don't contact B again unless you are single and sure of what you want. Was it her that texted you first last time? was it just to say hi or did she want to see you?

Its a difficult situation but you'll come through it whatever you decide. Try to make the decision for yourself though not because of what you think your son would like. He will be happy once he has his two parents who love him and they not fighting all the time. Because you have good relationship with with A, it would be possible to spend time with both of them regardless of the outcome of this.

Do you have social life? You need few hours break from all this decision making....go out and meet your mates and try distract yourself cause its much harder make decisions when your stressed out.

LegacyUser

aare wrote: »

I DO think you need time to think this out...but I also think there is a possibility that your unconscious is hanging on to thoughts of woman "B" as a defence mechanism, in case of failing with woman "A"?

You have so much at stake there really...not just a romance, but a whole family, maybe for life...

Hi again, OP here.

This is a couple of weeks down the line aare, and I'm not sure if I would be that upset if things failed with woman A at this stage. We were out for a drive and a walk last Sun with smallie and every time she touched me, I was uncomfortable if truth be told.

I stayed at hers Sat night. She went to bed early and I stayed up for about another 45 mins. When I went to bed, I thought she was asleep and climbed in quietly. But she turned to me and...well you can guess the rest. And it still doesn't feel right.

For example, I was over at hers again yesterday evening putting in a new electric shower for her and she made dinner after I was finished and himself was gone to bed. I know if I wanted I could have stayed the night, and this would be normally what a couple would do. But I didn't want to, and I came home and was glad to be home. That's not right is it?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP, I am/was a sort of woman B.
Basically my ex and I broke up due to lack of communication, he had a one night stand, she got pregnant, and is now with the lady and their son.


Finally, I've been through a load of relationships myself. In my opinion, six months is still the honey moon periods. I think you can be with anyone for a year - it is only after a year and a half that you see if those cute traits are actually annoying habits, or still cute traits. So when you think of Lady B, bear that in mind.

I think you should absolutely not contact Lady B. It will only lead to heartache for her. Particularly when you don't even know what you want. It will only mess up her head.

As for my situation, I already know what my ex wants, but it is too hard when he is in contact, it does mess with my head.

Sorry to hear about that, it must have been, and still is, very tough for you.

I absolutely agree with you about the 6 month and 1.5 year thing. And I may not have mentioned it, but Woman B and me only saw each other at weekends, due to a distance issue. So we have only ever seen each other in the good times and also went on weekends away and a trip abroad which all went well.

No, I won't contact her, as I do realise it would not be fair to mess with her emotions when I don't even know what I want myself at this stage.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP, maybe the excitement is not there with woman A because you've known he so long that it's almost as if you've been in a relationship. Lots of people talk about the sexual excitemnet waning in ong term relationships, unlike the spark at the beginning of a new one. Your relationship with woman B may have gone that way too eventually. Just something to think about...

Good points. We have had a friendship for a couple of years now, and it's been a good friendship, once we realised that we were finished as a couple and stopped arguing. So it has been a relationship of sorts. But how to turn it back to a sexual relationship where we both want each other all the time - I'm not sure if this is going to happen.

Yep, it's possible that it would have gone that way with Woman B too, as it could do with any couple.

LegacyUser

crazzzzy wrote: »

Do you think you might be putting off making decision cause you don't wanna deal with the reaction of A? Are you afraid she might make it difficult to spend time with your son?

I think your doing the right thing by talking to her....be totally honest. Maybe ye need to get to know eachother again and make eachother feel special. Its a bit worrying that neither of ye wants to have sex though especially since ye had good sex life before. Talk to her bout all of this though and it will help clear your head. Maybe you are bit scared she'll hurt you again and are afraid of getting too close.

Was your son happy with the situation before you got back with A? I do believe as long as you and A get on well as it won't affect him if ye not a couple.

Don't contact B again unless you are single and sure of what you want. Was it her that texted you first last time? was it just to say hi or did she want to see you?

Its a difficult situation but you'll come through it whatever you decide. Try to make the decision for yourself though not because of what you think your son would like. He will be happy once he has his two parents who love him and they not fighting all the time. Because you have good relationship with with A, it would be possible to spend time with both of them regardless of the outcome of this.

Do you have social life? You need few hours break from all this decision making....go out and meet your mates and try distract yourself cause its much harder make decisions when your stressed out.

Hi crazzzzy, good questions and advice, I will try and answer them 1 by 1.

I have absolutely zero fear of Woman A playing hardball with my access if things don't work out between us - it's just not her style. She is the nicest woman you could ever meet, is a great mother and so kind to everyone, sometimes too kind for her own good. I honestly believe she does not have a bad bone in her body and she sometimes cannot see when some people just really aren't that nice i.e. she chooses to only see the good in everyone. We have already agreed that no matter what happens, our son needs his father in his life and that won't change no matter how we go with this "new" relationship.

As for not wanting sex, I think she does want it more than me at the moment (not trying to sound conceited here) and, like anyone in a relationship, I think she "wants to be wanted". Maybe it's the fact that she hadn't been with anyone else in almost 2 years, whereas I am just recently out of a very close and intimate relationship. We have discussed the whole "moving back out of the friendship zone" and I have already voiced my concerns on this to her and she has the same concerns about this. I don't think I am afraid of getting hurt if I get too close again. At the moment we are just seeing how we get on, but I don't seem to want her like I did previously, or anything even close to that attraction, and like I wanted Woman B when we were together - and want her right now, I cannot stop thinking about her.

And don't get me wrong, Woman A is a very attractive woman with a beautiful smile for everyone, a great figure and very pretty and most of all, a beautiful person inside - the things that made me fall in love with her originally.

She and smallie are coming round to mine Sat evening to watch the rugby, have dinner and stay the night, Valentines night as it happens!! I know we will have a lovely evening and we will see how things go in the bedroom dept later. God I wish I could just move on from these negative thoughts and accept that this is the best thing for all of us.

Yes my son appears to be a happy little boy, probably because this is all he knows as we split up when he was just over 1 year old and he is used to spending some of his time in Mammy's house and some in Daddy's house. We never had a cross word in front of him (since we split up) and have always done important things like Santa, birthdays etc together, the 3 of us. I agree that the important thing is that Mam and Dad get on well, not necessarily that they are a couple. And we both love him more than anything and he is a great little boy, full of laughter and humour, but stubborn as a mule, don't know where he gets that from :-)

No, I won't contact Woman B at this time, or ever if things work out now. But the way I feel, I am not overly-confident that they will.

Agreed about making the decision for myself, not for my son, and a few close friends have already said this to me. As I said, whatever happens, there won't be any change in my relationship with my son.

I do have a good social life, and also do voluntary work as well as working full-time, so I have plenty to distract me, don't worry :-) I don't really discuss any of this with my friends or family though, especially after a few pints, as I don't want to be offloading on them all the time. I must admit though, that I have found the advice/opinions here most helpful in trying to get things straight in my mind.

Alot of thinking still to be done.

crazzzzy

OP, its not good when you sneaking into bed, uncomfortable with her touching you and glad that you don't have to stay other nights. Have you thought bout telling A you need some time to get over your last relationship and just staying friends for a while. Then in a month or two see if you can put in the effort with A to make the relationship work.

Its difficult to feel happy with A when you always thinking bout B. Don't beat yourself up over it though cause you need time to get over the break up with B. Maybe the reason its not working with A is cause you're not ready for another relationship so soon after B. Only you know the answer to this and A may understand and be happy to give you time to sort out your head.

Its hard feeling like you have to be in the relationship and its like a lot of hard work. I've been there with an ex and when I used spend time with him I was always trying to think of excuse to get away and didn't want him touching me. Of course it took me a few months to realise I had to get out of the relationship because at one stage it had been great and I kept thinking I could go back to that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again.

You are correct crazzzy, it's not good me feeling uncomfortable with the physical side of things, and that is pretty much how I felt here Sat night. We had a lovely evening and a beautiful meal, watched a movie, had some wine and champagne etc. But when it came to the "moment of truth", I was just going through the motions, and I think she can sense it. When we were finally going to sleep, I didn't even want any part of me to be touching her, she tried to cuddle a few times but I didn't want that and said I was tired. I really feel bad about this. She totally rejected me physically in the months before we split up - is it possible that I am subconciously trying to get my own back? I don't know, but I don't think so. I am just finding it hard to get the attraction and exceitment back.

Whenever I have been in a relationship with someone previously (including A), I have always wanted them all the time - I could not be further from that feeling now. I know the "always wanting each other" thing doesn't last, but I surely shouldn't be trying to avoid physical contact.

I think I need to take a break from everyone at this stage. It is plainly not working with A, and I cannot get B out of my head. I texted A last night to tell her it is going to take me some time to get to where I think we should be, and that is why I have been a bit distant. She answered that she knows that and understands. She also said not to be afraid to tell her if I cannot do this, and that she will understand and accept it.

So she knows that I am going to take time to make this work, but I am wondering if it will ever work? I am on the verge of calling it a day and spending time away from everyone.

What I am worried about is that the minute I tell A that it's not working, I will be straight onto B, and I might end up making a mess of that too as I am so confused.

I am feeling pretty down over this at the moment and generally fed up with life. I have my son for the weekend and am heading down to my mother's for the weekend with him, so I won't see A till Sun evening. Maybe the weekend alone will help clear my head - I hope so.

Thanks again for all the good advice folks, I just wish I knew where I am going with this.

crazzzzy

I think you've made an important step here by giving A an idea of how you're feeling and taking bit of time to sort out your head.

Unfortunately only you can decide what to do next - we can only give our opinion on the situation. There doesn't seem to be a major rush for you to decide in the next few days so try clear your head and enjoy the weekend with your son & parents.

I think you need to decide on A without bringing B into it though. Then if you decide not to be with A you can consider a relationship with B if she wants you back.

LegacyUser

crazzzzy wrote: »

I think you've made an important step here by giving A an idea of how you're feeling and taking bit of time to sort out your head.

Unfortunately only you can decide what to do next - we can only give our opinion on the situation. There doesn't seem to be a major rush for you to decide in the next few days so try clear your head and enjoy the weekend with your son & parents.

I think you need to decide on A without bringing B into it though. Then if you decide not to be with A you can consider a relationship with B if she wants you back.

Thank you yet again crazzzzy - you are the voice of reason that I don't seem to possess!!

You're right about there being no mad rush in coming to a big decision here. I was talking with my brother today and telling him a little (nothing like as much as here) of what's going on in my head. He didn't offer any advice, and I didn't ask for any, but he said that maybe this is a slow burner i.e. give it time to develop the spark. Maybe he's right, as I started slowly with B too.

I have no contact with B at all, so at least that isn't clouding my judgement I hope. However I do miss her terribly and think about her all the time. I will try to put her out of my head in any decision I make with A.

I'm just looking forward to having a nice stress-free weekend down home with my mother (Dad passed away 6 years ago) and small fry. It will do me no harm to be away from all this big stuff for a few days.

LegacyUser

Hi Folks

OP here again. Things are pretty much the same with A and we are still seeing each other. We are spending nice days and nights together and I love the 3 of us doing nice afternoons walking on the beach and nice meals etc, but there is no passion there at all and I don't feel comfortable physically, even though sometimes I look at her and think - Good Lord, she is looking well today, a real lasher if truth be told, but just I don't want to be with her in "that" way and I don't think that is going to change. I think there is 2 things here and I am not sure which one is the most true, or maybe both are completely true.

1. I have never given it a chance with A because of a combination of what went on before and my resentment of that and the way she treated me. And the fact that she completely rejected me when I had served my purpose and she had what she wanted. And then when she rewalised she didn't want to go it alone and saw me happy with someone else, she came out with all the previously described stuff.

Then there is my utter dislike of most of her circle of friends, who I have absolutely no interest in ever seeing or socialising with again. This I have told her, both back when we were splitting up and recently. I have voiced my utter dismay at how her closest friends treat their husbands i.e. like crap, no respect, they are the total bosses and the men they are with have let them get away with it over the years and I see them as very weak and don't have any respect for them. I am talking about women who tell their husbands to shut up in company when the men are talking about something completely innocent or making a joke or whatever. When things went South between us originally I said all this - that she thinks that sort of behaviour is normal and that is how a man is supposed to behave with the woman he loves. And these are the people she idolises and thinks are really brilliant people with brilliant marriages. I know that this is not the case, and she now accepts this also. My friends, both male and female, would never be in relationships like this. And if they were, they wouldn't be my friends.

2. I am not allowing myself to get deeply involved because B is always on my mind.

Which leads me to my next point. B emailed me out of the blue during the week, first contact of any sort since early January. She was telling me she is coming to my home city for a shopping weekend in a few weeks with a friend, and was asking me about a bar we were in previously that we enjoyed and she wanted to take her friend there. She also said that she would like to meet for a drink if I was up for it, but the ball is in my court. Needless to say, this knocked me for 6 and brought the whole thing back to me. There has not been a day or hardly a couple of hours, have gone by that I haven't thought about her over the last few months. I would love to meet her and see where we go. But I will not do that if I am still trying with A.

Which all means that I think it will never work with A and it's time to call a halt. I have smallie for the weekend and she is coming to mine Sun evening for dinner for Mother's day and probably staying the night, and I think I am going have to bite the bullet either that evening or early next week.

I think I have made up my mind pretty much at this stage that it is not working, nor ever will work with A. For the 1st time last weekend, I spoke with some friends about the whole thing, admittedly while we had alot of pints aboard at the rugby. They knew a little of what was going on, but not the whole story. They all said it is a no-brainer, it's never going to work with A, no matter whether B had ever been on the scene or not.

I would appreciate any thoughts/opinions/advice here. An outside opinion on this whole sorry mess would be most welcome. Thanks.

LegacyUser

Hi,

All I can say is follow your heart. I have 2 young children and was having a really difficult time with my husband. I had tried and tried and tried and it wasn't working and an old flame came back into my life.

I have since separated from my husband as hard as it was as I do still love him - I'm just not in love with him. My children are happier as we are happier - but it has been really difficult.

Things happen for a reason, and Lady B contacted you at this point in time for a reason - you have to (and I'm going to sound really girlie when I say this) - close your eyes and think of Lady A - all the good about how she makes you feel and all the bad - then think about Lady B - all the good and bad and how she makes you feel.

You know what you have to do .... good luck with it and remember, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Salome

Even if B wasn't in the equation, I don't think there is any chance for your relationship with A.

I know initially I encouraged your reunion with A but I'm certain, after reading your posts, that you don't have a romantic future with her.

It sounds like you have a great relationship together as parents - perhaps this is the best way to go. Your son is lucky to have you both.

As for B - I think you need to settle things with A before you try and get back with B, if that's what you want. Consider A's feelings in all this - which I know you're doing. So finish things there before you embark on anything new with B.

Fair play to you though Bigmess, you're trying to do the right thing for everyone involved.

crazzzzy

Bigmess, I think you have your mind made up already and just wanna make sure you're not making mistake. Yes, maybe it won't work out with A cause of what happened in the past but only you know what you feel. You have given the relationship time to improve and you don't think it has. If you think you would be happier as friends then move on and don't waste time trying to salvage a relationship that isn't gonna work.

As for B, I really don't know whether you should meet her. Will it be too soon after finishing with A? Maybe you could meet her and explain what has happened in the last few months. If she wanted name of that bar she could have got it somewhere else so I think shes reaching out to you cause shes still interested.

Good luck with whatever happens