Getting over a break up

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I broke up with my girlfriend after a four year relationship before the end of last year and I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with it. We had a rocky relationship with plenty of fights but we were always there for each other when it counted. We travelled the world together and got up to all the usual things couples do. We had very different interests and we never really tried to appreciate each others, we would just usually slag each other off eg."turn off that crap" "no I don't want to go to the cinema!" etc.

I fancied her at the start a lot but she put on a good bit of weight during our travels and I suppose I did suggest in indirect terms that she should try and loose some. Eg.are you sure you want desert etc, this really annoyed her. (Ps: I'm so angry at myself for this now) There was talk of moving in on a few occasions as neither of us had really lived out of home before but we never went through with it on each occasion. We were the same age but didn't have the same ambitions. I wanted to be well off and have it all and she was happy just to get by day by day, I noticed myself putting her down for this also but now I'm the one who's unemployed and have lost my ambition completely.

Our love live wasn't great and we would usually prefer to watch a DVD together and snuggle than anything else. Things gradually got worse when we started seeing less and less of each other, going out with friends more etc... and then after a few months of this she called it quits (after a lovely dinner I had cooked). She was always kind of soft (eg, I was the decission maker) so this really shook me up.

I did a lot for her cooking, driving, organizing trips and looking out for her when she was drunk (she was a messy drunk!) This really annoyed me but I would give her a hard time for a day or so and that would be that.

It's horrible to be dumped and don't get me wrong I did actually think about doing the same in the past but always talked to her and we got back on track again. Since the break-up I can't stop thinking about her, it wakes me up at night and consumes most of my daily thoughts. I don't know if its a case of "you don't know what you've got till its gone" or if I'm A.) just missing her company or B.) horrified that someone may not like me and doesn't want to see me again C.) I've no job so nothing else to think of.

I tried unsuccessfully on many occasions directly after the break up to apologize and try win her back with (major) silly token efforts but she just wasn't interested and asked to be left alone. I have never cheated on her or done anything that I can think of that would make her have a genuine dislike for me. I have not been in contact with her since before Xmas but text her yesterday and she doesn't seem interested in chatting or meeting up. I'm fairly sure she hasn't got someone else.

I'm a nice (complex) honest guy and I'm truly gutted by this situation.

Any advise on how to move on is appreciated because at this stage I can't see her coming back!

And the answer to the question - Do I love her? ... Yes I sort of do.

"Tony" - Wicklow
(25-30)

Salome

I'm not sure if I'd want to be with someone who openly criticises me or who obviously doesn't like the way I behave.

It sounds like you're sorry you didn't get there first and dump her before she dumped you.

Call it quits - move on - she has.

Messed Up Mind

Unregistered wrote: »

I suppose I did suggest in indirect terms that she should try and loose some. Eg.are you sure you want desert etc, this really annoyed her......she just wasn't interested and asked to be left alone. I have never cheated on her or done anything that I can think of that would make her have a genuine dislike for me.

It might've been this that made her dislike you. No one likes pure criticism. Creative is alright, but this certainly isn't creative.

If she's feeling hurt by you, no amount of gifts or anything will make her come back to you. Just give it time and if you're very lucky, she might change her mind and if or when she does, just show her all the love in the world and make her feel good about herself.

LegacyUser

I see what your saying and come to think of it, I probably did say a lot things she may of felt were hurtful over the last few years (although that was never my intention).

I'm the type of person that used to say things (even if I know they shouldn't be said) just to spark controversy. I didn't mean 90% of them and I honestly don't know why I even said them. Perhaps I thought I was being funny in a crazy sort of way. I come from a group of friends that just slag each other off constantly (for banter) so perhaps I didn't distinguish between what should be said to her my girlfriend and what is said to my friends. Its just some of the other girls in the group (even the lads girlfriends) seemed to find it all amusing but my ex was a lot more delicate and probably took things a lot more seriously and didn't really get a lot of the banter etc... it sort of went over her head.

Another point she brought up after break-up was that she didn't find me attractive anymore, this hurt a lot. I mean, is that something you should say to someone else. If I wasn't as confident as I am in myself I would of got really down and depressed by this.

Luckily I didn't let it get me down but did find myself asking people for re-assurances that I didn't look like a hiddeous toad

She completely shut me out after the break-up and I made efforts to be the nicest guy around (someone I really do want to be) by offering lifts to work at 8.00am or collecting her late at night or even after nights out. She accepted a lot of these lifts. I would arrive with breakfast etc... trying to make everything perfect and she would eat it but after she got out of the car for work I would not hear from her again until I contacted her next

She called me late one night looking to see me, I was on the other side of town and left immediatly and physicially ran though the streets of the city to get to her. To my upset when I turned up she was really drunk and didn't really want anything to do with me. I made sure her and her friends got home okay and made my way home feeling gutted. Even as we were walking through the streets I found myself stoping her from crossing streets etc... cos she was drunk and she just shouted abuse at me. (eg.. we're not together, you have no right to grab me or tell me what to do, I know its only drunken talk but it was very upsetting!)

Even though she's treated me so horribly since our break I would still give her the time of day and of she needed me I would definatly be there for her!

But I need to stop thinking about her now and move on... but I don't know how!