I've had enough....

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start with this so forgive me if it's all over the place.

I'm 4 months pregnant with my third child. My husband seems to have absolutely no interest in me or our kids. He works 6 days a week and doesn't get home until 7.30 most nights, so he might only see the kids for a few minutes each night. I work full time too, and do everything for the kids, wash, bathe, clothe and feed them, put them to bed, just about everthing that needs to be done is done by me, even when he's there. I don't mind that, I know he is working late, and even though I am dog tired too, I love my kids, so that goes by the wayside and I do what any parent would. I don't harp on about it, I rarely ask him to help, as when I do, there's a face made and I just can't handle the stress. But I am exhausted at the moment too with work and the pregnancy, and I just wish he would be a little more involved with them, if only for their sake, regardless of me. The thing is aside from the daily stuff you need to do to mind kids, he doesnt even play with them.

Yesterday he had his usual Sunday lie in, even though we both get up early him for work me with the kids. If I want a lie in I have to ask and it's given begrudgenly and he normally walks into the room noisely at 9.30 - 10, whereas he lies there till he feels like getting up.
So he rose at 11 yesterday, had his breakfast, then his friend rang to ask him to go out, and without batting an eyelid or asking did I have any plans he made arrangements. I knew he's be gone all day as he is always gone all day when makes plans with this particular guy.
It's not that I have mind him heading out, he does at least once a month, most months twice, but the fact that he doesn't even have the respect for me to ask what I'm up to. I can't remember the last time I had a day without the kids. Honestly, if I make plans for lunch, I usually bring them with me, he certainly doesn't offer to keep them.

If he's not out with the lads on a Sunday, he will want to spend the Sunday with his folks or resting. There doesn't seem to be any time for me or his kids. It is all about what he wants. He's tired, he's working, the house is a mess(which it's not by the way, just not up to his anal standards). But he is constantly in a bad mood, and now ignores me when I am talking to him, even though he hears what I've said. My daughter asked him a question in the car the other day and he didn't bother to answer her, so I asked him and he just kind of shrugged like he heard it but still didn't answer. Then I said, did you not hear me, and he finally answered, but very blase.

I just feel he has no respect for me what so ever. He has no interest in me or the kids. I accept and understand that he is tired but he can't afford me the same thoughfulness. I have let it slide for a long time now, just for peace and quiet but now I just feels as though he couldn't care less. I feel sorry for our kids, he won't do anything with them, with us. I've tried to get him to even go swimming with us, which is only an hour and he won't and yet when his friend calls, it's no problem. It's just so sad, and yesterday I got mad, which is unusual for me and told him I'd had enough, he didn't even ask if I had plans or consider us in his, again, and he told me I'm a physcho. I'm sick of it and I feel like calling it a day. I feel like it's a one way relationship and it's all turned in his favour and he's just a lodger in our house but isn't part of the family. I feel like a single parent. He knew I had a very important thing to do yesterday, there has been an event in my family and I needed to be somewhere yesterday and I had to walk there with the kids in the freezing cold because he was gone with the car. I'm not even angry anymore, I'm just disapointed and sad for my kids and sad that this is my life. There is no fun, no laughter, all I get is smart comments and put downs, never a compliment or a kind word. He won't go to the cinema, doesn't want to arrange a night out with me, even at Christams there was a party and I offered to get my Mam to baby sit and he wouldn't give me a straight answer about whether he wanted to go or not. Turned out he did, just not with me. The times we have been out he barely talks to me, at my sisters party he stood there staring at a waitress all night, at another friends party he went over and introduced himself to a girl who had been giving him the eye all night. How was she to know he's married with kids, but this is a guy who doesn't bother with anyone, and I mean anyone, and he went out of his way to introduce himself to her. He knows her friend and didn't bother his arse to talk to her, but made sure he made contact with this girl. I never said anything about it at the time because I didn't want an argument, but I saw it, I know him and I know what it was about. Please don't give me the whole he can still talk to people routine, we're together over 15 years, and I have never once had a jealous moment, this was different. I think he is bored with us and looking beyond our horizons.

I don't know what to do. I feel like throwing in the towel, I feel like and idiot, like there is no real love there for me and I know for sure there is no respect. I'm tired of being dissapointed and wishing he would change, we've already had it out about the interaction with the first born and he swore he'd change, he did for a while, but he's back to where we started and if I ask a question I mostly get a smart answer. Sorry for the long post, I just needed to let off steam before I go home. Am I a doormat? I feel like one.

Adam

my first thought would be marriage counselling. its a very tangled situation, and not one that you can just walk away from very easily. you do need to put your foot down though. you don't deserve this kind of treatment.

what is life at home like when he is on holidays from work for example?

queenbe

he seems to be a waste of time as far as i can see..what are you getting out of this relationship?? you seem to be miserable and thats not fair on you or the kids.maybe it is time to throw in the towel.if he cant be arsed then whhy should you.he already acting like a single man with no responsibilties.you need to mind yourself your baby and your kids,,good luck with it

barbiegirl

No not a doormat just someone who is trying very hard to make your marriage work. Maybe try writing him a letter saying what you just said here, leave him to read it and say you'll talk to him when the kids are in bed. Then see will he talk, will he look at councelling, is he willing to try to make the marriage work? If he's not then start looking at how to protect yourself. Can you function monetarily without his earnings, what is the minimum you need to do so. He's not helping in any other way so that is what needs considering. Then get legal advice and get ready for a trial seperation that will hopefully start towards either a reconciliation on an equal basis or an independant life.
Your kids deserve a happy family life and if dad is treating mum like crap and is not showing them he values and loves them, then this is what they will learn a relationship is like and they will act and seek similar relationships in the future. Give him every opportunity to be a good father, don't use the kids, try to keep things civilised and good luck.
Also try to ensure his side of the family such as his parents, siblings, etc have access to the kids.

Overheal

queenbe wrote: »

he seems to be a waste of time as far as i can see..what are you getting out of this relationship?? you seem to be miserable and thats not fair on you or the kids.maybe it is time to throw in the towel.if he cant be arsed then whhy should you.he already acting like a single man with no responsibilties.you need to mind yourself your baby and your kids,,good luck with it

Thats not really fair. It can't be easy having to work all the time. He's providing. And you in a pregnancy plus 2 other kids to wrangle. It sounds like all the stress is coming to a head and you both need to deal with it now before it gets out of control. Marriage Counseling wouldnt be a bad idea. I'd strongly advocate it actually.

As for the waitress: its not damning evidence of anything. Everyone wonders about the grass on the other side, especially when times are tough. As for spending time a way, it really just sounds like taking a break from all your worries. I imagine he's stressed out up the yinyang as much as you are.

G&T

You poor thing,

He sound's very immature and spoilt,
You let him away with way too much,
Make plan's for yourself for a few hours a week and
get him to mind the kid's
Take up pregnancy yoga,sound's like you need some down time.

If ye can find the money I would suggest you get your
own car,you need to have your own freedom,not be waiting for
him to roll up and give you the key's(permission)to go out.

Im wondering why have No.3
If he is crap with the other 2.
He must think he can't be that bad if you want
more kid's with him,

He is a grown man and the change has to come from him,
you can only do your best get on with
thing's as you have been doing and hope he cop's on soon.

Is he treating you like a door mat...................yes
are you allowing him to do it .........................yes

stand up for yourself,
Your just being too passive in your relationship,you should not depend on another person for everything.

When my kid's were small I was alway's tired and fed up too,
it's not easy,my oh and I had a big chat and promised we would try harder.
He didn't like coming home to a nag and I needed way too much from him,
id lost my confidance.Now
If my husband can't get home in time to let me out I get a sitter for
the hour extra he will be,
I make plan's for us to go out 50% of the time,
we take it in turn's to cook Sunday dinner,
Im not alway's at home when he get's home,
I go to my mothers for dinner 1 day a week.

I hope this help's,
Good luck

MagicMarker

Nothing is worth putting up with that tbh.

I'd show him the door.

Humria

Hi OP,

Both of you made the situation as it exists at the present. He pushed to see how much he could get away with and you didn't establish your boundries. People will walk all over you if you let them . You need to establish your limits OP. What are you willing to put up with and what is not acceptable?

I'd suggest you ask your husband to talk with you and discuss you grievences. Tell him what you require of him and what you will not accept. If he hears you and and is not will not make the effort G&T has made some good suggestions about restructuring your boundries. He knows what the score is; you have no reason not to act. As other posters suggested, marriage counselling may be a good idea.

If he is unwilling to make any compromise, then think carefully about your options.

OP, just remember you are not a victim. You have the power to change the situation.

Good Luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies.

It felt good to get all that out and readingback on it, it is clear what I need to do. He is like a bull in a china shop when I try to bring things up and this is the main reason that I put off confrontation, he will inevitably tell me I'm a pain the arse, to shut up or just walk away adn say I'm not listening to you. So I generally don't nag, rarely say anything to rattle his cage and just get on with things.

We have been here before. We broke up for quite a while. He was all apologetic, talked me around, sounded as though he was truely sorry and I let him move back. But it is like a cycle and at has repeated itself a few times now, but before we only had one kid and it was easier to walk away.

Why are we having a third child, well it wasn't planned, but here we are and I'm not getting the boat. So I have to deal with it. I thought we were a team but over the last six months he has become increasingly distant, selfish, detached and uninterested.

My job is full time, 40 hours a week, and before work I am dealing with the kids and getting them ready and after work I am dealing with the kids, cooking dinner, doing homework etc, so while I appreciate that he is working long hours, I don't stop either, so we are both in the same boat. The difference is I am sympathetic to hid situation, he couldn't care less about mine and has on many occasions told me that I do nothing.

I know that he needs a good kick up the arse. But is this something that I am going to have to do every couple of months / years? He is almost impossible to talk to, and blows up if I mention anything, and might come around a week later when he'll send flowers etc etc. My birthday is coming up and I was going to arrange dinner with friends, but he'll get locked and it will be me getting up with the kids the morning after, while he has a nice long rest. Most other guys would offer the lie on. I know it all seems petty, but it gets toy ou after a while, when there is no acknowledgement whatsoever in your role and what you do, while all the while he expects recognistion for his, sympathy even. I'm tired of it all, and not sure if I want to go to counselling. I don't have the energy, or the will to do it. I don't think he will change. Maybe he will, but it feels like we're on a merry go round and I want to get off. The thing is it's not just me he's like this with, he's the same with the kids.

Thanks again for the replies, even reading back has helped me to put things in perspective.

LegacyUser

I have let it slide for a long time now, just for peace and quiet but now I just feels as though he couldn't care less.

He doesn't care less, it couldn't be clearer if he wrote it in a neon sign above your head. I am sorry that sounds so harsh, but I think you are in a daze and not seeing the obvious in front of your nose. You have become so used to this mans outrageous behaviour it is frightening.

I feel like a single parent.

You are.
Your "husband" is nothing but a drain. He brings nothing to the relationship/family, maybe money, but you would get that in a split anyway. He is obliged to support his kids regardless, you dont have much to lose by dumping him.

I never said anything about it at the time because I didn't want an argument, but I saw it, I know him and I know what it was about.

You never said anything about it? I hardly know where to begin there, you just let him do anything he wants and say nothing....that is a green light to him to continue treating you like dirt.

I think he is bored with us and looking beyond our horizons

Yes, and doing it openly in front of you. He has ZERO respect for you OP and Im sorry but while yes he is in the wrong, you really are letting him walk all over you.

I'm tired of being dissapointed and wishing he would change

Things dont change by "wishing" -they change by DOING !!

Am I a doormat? I feel like one.

Yes, yes a thousand times yes, he is one horrible d1ckhead mind you but you have again and again given him the green light to treat you like dirt. You have to get some self respect, God knows how, being pregnant and working full time -I just dont know how you are going to find the strength to kick against this pr1ck. But you have got to.

You say he calls you a nag etc or walks away if you complain, LET HIM, it doesn't matter what he says, you cannot let that stop you having a voice and using it. You cannot be put off by this arrogant mans criticism.

Have you any sisters/friends etc who you could confide in about the situation. You have got to start making plans to get this parasite out of your life.....

Beruthiel

norespect wrote: »

My job is full time, 40 hours a week, and before work I am dealing with the kids and getting them ready and after work I am dealing with the kids, cooking dinner, doing homework etc, so while I appreciate that he is working long hours, I don't stop either, so we are both in the same boat. The difference is I am sympathetic to hid situation, he couldn't care less about mine and has on many occasions told me that I do nothing.

So you work a full time job and take care of the kids and he does... what?
Sweet fanny adams by the sound of it.
I'm not seeing why having him around is such a plus?
Your relationship is in the toilet, he has no respect for you, he doesn't care about you or the kids, you sound like the hired help more than anything else.

Seriously woman, quit putting up with that crap, life is too short to be miserable all the time.
Sort it out, this is down to you as he clearly couldn't care less either way.

I know that he needs a good kick up the arse. But is this something that I am going to have to do every couple of months / years?

You're together 15 years, you can't possibly think anything is going to change at this stage.
He's in need of a short, sharp, shock.

If this was my husband I'd have thrown in the towel by now, well done on sticking it out this long.
Once you regain your self respect you will no longer be willing to allow him to treat you as a door mat.
Something tells me you are going to have to do something more than talk to him about this. From what you say, he pays no heed to you, so, drastic steps need to be taken.
You deserve better treatment than this, keep reminding yourself of that until you believe it.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Thats not really fair. It can't be easy having to work all the time. He's providing. And you in a pregnancy plus 2 other kids to wrangle. It sounds like all the stress is coming to a head and you both need to deal with it now before it gets out of control. Marriage Counseling wouldnt be a bad idea. I'd strongly advocate it actually.

As for the waitress: its not damning evidence of anything. Everyone wonders about the grass on the other side, especially when times are tough. As for spending time a way, it really just sounds like taking a break from all your worries. I imagine he's stressed out up the yinyang as much as you are.

Excuse me, but SHE WORKS FULL TIME ALSO.

So she:
1. Works FULL TIME
2. Does EVERYTHING with the kids
3. Is pregnant

He:
1. Works full time

thats IT ! The rest of the time he does exactly what he pleases.

He is a selfish a$$hole and OP needs to get him out of there before he breaks her!

cooperla

Sounds like you're in a really tough spot.

My wee bit of advice is to tell him this evening that you have plans Sunday and he has to watch the kids. Go out for the day with a mate or yourself if necessary and leave your phone at home. Give yourself a bit of time to think.

Good luck

Dizzyblonde

My heart goes out to you, you really do deserve a lot better than this. He's a dead weight and it sounds as though he contributes nothing to family life or your relationship.

LegacyUser

Again thanks for the replies.

In terms of what does he do, he does help with house work, but to be honest I'd rather he put the time into the kids than that. Plus he just gives out the whole time about doing it. If he did more with the kidsd I'd do more of the house work. The house will stand fine all on its own, but the kids are missing out. So it's not that he does nothing, but the housework thing is more for him than anything else. He does nothing with me or the kids.

Two weeks ago, before he headed out with the lads, he was going around the house giving out about the state of the place and I told him I wasn't listening to him, I was sick of his moaning and that he is a very unhappy person. I wasn't that polite and I do have my moments, but I don't want my kids looking at fighting all the time, so it's hard to express yourself with them running around. He came home in a much better mood, but you'd think he'd be happy heading off wouldn't you. He's just a miserable person who is very negative and only happy when he is doing what he wants.

I know talking is not enough and I personally have reached a point where I can't just brush it under the carpet.

Ddad

I can't say that I've had to put with quite as much. My wife also works long hours and at times has taken the ammount of work that I'd in the house for granted. I'm good at letting her have her free time to pursue her hobbies. I do all of the cooking and cleaning and mind the kids. When she didn't want to talk about the division of labour and blew me off when I complained, I went on strike.

For a week I did nothing for her. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, conversation nada. It opened the gates to communication. I think she got a handle on how rubbish life can be without homecooked meals and a warm welcome.

Now, if I feel i'm being taken for granted a missed dinner or a weekend on her own with the kids isn't long in reminding her that being at home full time isn't a holiday camp.

By the way I suggest that you tell him that he will be flying solo for a weekend soon and see how that suits him. That is unless you can't even trust the oaf to mind the kids for two days.

I wish you the best, everyone deserves better.

Curlypinkie

Hey OP,
I just read your second post there and one thing stands out to me like nothing else.
He doesn't sound like your partner. He sounds like someone you live with just because you have to and by way of intercourse you've had offspring.
It sounds like he doesn't want you there and does everything to freeze you out. He sounds like a horrible bullying mate that you're forced to live with IMHO.

I would be out the door, but I can't imagine how it is to have kids (and so many!) with a person like that. But also, they're there as a proof that something, a while back ago was right? Or am I wrong?

He doesn't seem to respect you at all and it doesn't seem he loves you either. I think you need councelling, hopefully it's not too late for that.

As for the people telling you to leave him... you have kids with him, it is worth another go, so do please try and I hope everything works out for you.

Wagon

There's no hope for that type of asshole. Absolutely none and I mean that. Kick him out.

Edit: Sorry, Curlypinkie. It's not worth another chance and it's far too late for councelling. She's already seperated with him and he begged to come back and promised to change and now that's gone out the window. He puts her down, he doesn't respect her and nor does he give a damn about his kids.