Damaged goods?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am a divorced 35 year old and after 2 years think I am ready to get out there but I am scared sh**less of getting hurt (again). My judgement compass seems skewed since I was so taken in by my ex. Have been to counselling and that helped loads.

I am intelligent and a decent person lucky to have a great job but my life is pretty empty after that... e.g. spent Saturday in shopping centre which was fine but would have been nice to have company especially to go out with that night.

Financially I am badly off due to legal bills so it worries me too that I could be seen as a bad prospect. It will take about 12 months to erase these debts.

Also maybe its my imagination but I sometimes get the perception when I am out with my friends that I am a threat...to their belief systems...unhappy marriages...spouses..etc
I have no intentions in that direction but just because I chose to leave a really unhealthy marriage it seems/feels like I have failed/didn't try harder.

My question is: did anyone else experience this? How do I actually get off the couch and back into the world? As a woman with friends who never go out its bloody hard where I live...no-one at work to go out with either. Thanks for your thoughts.

Otis Driftwood

Hi OP.
First things first,you need to get out of the mind set that you are "damaged goods"
Thats a horrible expression and opinion to have of ones self.We all have our own personal baggage,every single person so dont be so hard on yourself.
As for getting out and meeting new people there are a multitude of things to do - various clubs/societies,voluntary work,things like dance classes etc.You need to get it into your head that you are still a young and vital person.Ive never been through a divorce so cant empathise with you on that one but of course you are going to have trust issues,its just a matter of getting past them and not letting them cripple you!Best of luck to you.:)

Pherekydes

Male here. I was deserted at 29, and left to look after 2 young boys. I always wondered if I'd ever meet anyone again, but I never thought of myself as damaged goods. So don't do that!

Have confidence in yourself, and don't tar any future 'possibles' with your ex-husband's brush. There are many good people out there, many who've gone through the same as yourself.

I met someone who'd gone through the exact same thing as myself, and we're still together 19 years on.

Good luck for the future.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

Financially I am badly off due to legal bills so it worries me too that I could be seen as a bad prospect. It will take about 12 months to erase these debts.

.

12 months is a very short time, if you can pay off the debts in that time I wouldn't be worrying about it.

No idea where you live but could you go to the boards beers?

LegacyUser

op here.

Thank you for the feedback. I have read about those beers but got the impression they were attended by people in their 20s? Its turning up by myself thats REALLY difficult.

I suppose I just feel old and that I wasted the best years of my life and now 40 isn't that far away.

Anyhooo I guess I have to toughen up and take some steps as it seems the only one holding me back is....................me. Easier said than done.

Glad I found this forum. Its a great support for those who present outwardly as cheerful and strong. If anyone who has actually gone through a separation/divorce after a short marriage I'd be interested in how you dusted yourself off. Feels like I'm the only one.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

op here.

Thank you for the feedback. I have read about those beers but got the impression they were attended by people in their 20s? Its turning up by myself thats REALLY difficult.

I suppose I just feel old and that I wasted the best years of my life and now 40 isn't that far away.

.

I've never been to the boards beers but as far as I know people of all ages attend and I've seen posts saying "pm me your number and I'll meet you outside beforehand so you don't have to arrive alone". As someone who's never been I'm not really in a position to advise on this but do post in the threads about the meet ups.


I'm 30 and I hate getting older too but being older isn't an excuse not to be fabulous. I have to remind myself of all the celebrities we love who are closer to 40 but still amazing--Angelina Jolie, Kylie, Sarah Jessica Parker...You can still look great, you just have to work at it.

I've never been married or divorced but I'm sure a few others will post to this tomorrow. But yes this place is great, you should register and join in, After Hours is always very funny and I like the Ladies Lounge too.

Nevyn

No it's not all kids in thier 20s.
Last night I wasn't the oldest there and I am 33.

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

op here.

Thank you for the feedback. I have read about those beers but got the impression they were attended by people in their 20s? Its turning up by myself thats REALLY difficult.

Not at all, there's usually a very mixed group at the beers. Even 41 year old codgers like me go to them. Some forums' beers would have different demographics all right, for example the Nocturnal and Body Mod forums would have a younger crowd than the BGRH beers, and the general Boards' beers have people from a whole range of forums and age groups. As for turning up by yourself, it's easy enough to arrange to have someone meet you before the event. Many first-timers do that.

deisemum

Hi OP.

I was 36 with 2 young children when my husband and I separated. We'd been together nearly 14 years.

When I got to the stage of wanting to start socialising none of my friends who were all married were interested in going out not even for a drink or the cinema. My husband had our boys every second weekend so the weekends on my own took getting used to.

I got in contact with Gingerbread and found out that a lot of their members had formed another group aimed at socialising. It was for anyone over 30 that was single, separated or divorced. There were people as old as early 60's, most were in their late 30's and 40's. I braced myself and joined them in a restaurant the first time. I was nervous going in but came out excited to have met lots of other people that I could meet up with whenever I wanted a night out.

We went to the cinema, out drinking, discos, meals out etc. If I had a babysitter I could have been out every night of the week. Some members were involved in other activities such as hill walking, public speaking and encouraged people to get involved. It wasn't a dating group just unattached people who went out together.

As regarding friends feeling under threat yeah I had that with my then so called best friend. We used to occasionally take turns having a few couples round for dinner but once hubby and I separated that invitation stopped. On top of that she was always calling round to know what the latest "drama" was between hubby and myself. I later found out that she was partial to spreading our business.

On top of that I called round to her house one day and her husband opened the door, my "friend" had popped out but I thought it odd that he didn't ask me to come in and wait like he used to in my married days. Shortly after she phoned me to say she was home and that she'd asked her husband why he hadn't invited me in for a cup of tea while I waited and how he'd replied that he was afraid I'd jump him (so not my type). What's more she thought it was funny and had a great old laugh over it and couldn't see why I didn't think it was funny. Needless to say I haven't had anything to do with her in years.


As it turned out my husband and I got back together 6 months after separating.

LegacyUser

OP - I came out of an abusive long term relationship at 25, and how you describe feeling is exactly how I felt. I felt damaged, washed up, and OLD at 25 years of age (25 ffs!), because my self esteem was on the floor. I was afraid to go out, had no friends, and I thought nobody would ever want to be with me because of how I was as a result of the relationship.

It's all perspective - I gradually forced myself to start getting out for the odd drink or lunch with acquaintances, and I tagged along a few times when my sister was going out, and it started to bring my confidence back. I also took up something I couldn't do while in the relationship - in my case it was forming a band, but for you it could be whatever you're interested in, a class or a club of some kind? I went on to have the best time of my life once I changed my perspective and got my confidence back.

I'm now almost 34, and I feel young. I'm sort of back in the situation of being single and having no single friends (plus I've had to take a year or two off from my social life for family reasons) - but I feel fine about it now, I know I'll make new friends because I've done it before. Work on your self esteem, build your confidence up - you're still young at 35, IMO being in your mid 30's is great. The best years of our lives are ahead of us