Boyfriend Trouble

fifomania

For a while now, my boyf has been blowing hot & cold with me and I admit that, due to other issues in my life, I've been a bit aloof and upset sometimes. Basically, we've changed since our first days of going out.
Last night, he gave me the 'where are we going' speech. His best friend (who has always had a strong hold over him) has just split up with his girlfriend & is extolling the virtues of the single life. And his brother has just gotten engaged. So I think he's been wondering where we are going.
I (naturally) got so upset. So he said he doesn't want to break up, he just wants to clarify things. He also said he doesn't want to have sex () and that I'm "one in a million" to him.
I'm sitting here this morn, with about 4 hours sleep with no idea where to go or what to do. He said he feels as if he's holding me back(!?). I'm in his house and would have to move back to the parents till I got sorted.
Has anyone else been in a set up like this? And what has happened? I know we make a great couple but it's like the strain of other things or even living together has taken it's toll. I dunno what to do for the best

1stuey1

could he just be saying it as like to feel he has power? like he controls what is going on? personally what i think u should do is call his bluff! alot of people wil disaree but be extra confident get all done up meet up and say right what do ya wanna do? make him make a decision!!put him on the back foot id have a feeling he would sit down quick enough and if he doesnt he aint worth bein with. What im trying to say is YOU call the shots and let him now here i dont care plenty will have me.

Húrin

This is normal enough. All relationships change. If his acts and words confuse you ask him about them. Without diaologue you have nothing.

Salome

Do you love him? Does he love you? If the answers are both yes, then you've got something to work with. Do you see yourselves together in 5 years time? If the answer is yes, then work on it - talk to each other. Make sure he knows how you feel and make sure you understand how he feels before you make any drastic changes. If it's worth holding on to, you've both got to make sure you do.

fifomania

I do love him and I assume he loves me, although he never says it. I would like to go back to college but I would also like to keep our relationship going. Maybe we've been under each others' feet too much? It's just I feel that he's more interested in talking to his best friend. He gets all excited when he's around and directs all conversation to him, and I'm left feeling like they're the couple and I'm the 3rd wheel! :rolleyes: And I don't begrudge him his friend but I feel like he's making more of an effort with him than me or anyone else. He shrugs off these things when I say it to him or goes quiet and then we don't speak for a while. Whoever said relationships were easy

seamus

I'm pretty much taking a stab in the dark here based purely from what I'm reading out of your post, but it would seem to me that perhaps you're the kind of person who thinks, "I'd like to do this at some point", or, "I'd like to go there at some point". That is, you've got no real plans for the next few years, but you have a few things which you want to do (go to college, go travelling, live abroad, etc) before deciding you want to stop and settle down, if at all.

However, he might be seeing his brother getting engaged and is longing for that, or he may even see his newly-single mate who isn't tied down by a girl who may or may not decide that she wants to go to Australia for a year in 6 months time. Either way, it appears as though he wants a little bit of surity about the future, so if you can say, "Well I've no desire to settle down, and yes I probably do want to go travelling", he might decide that it's time to cut you loose. On the other hand, if you say you've no plan to go anywhere and you want to get married/start a family in the next few years, then he knows what's going on.

Though the fact that he said he feels like he's holding you back, indicates to me that you appear to be in a place where you're free and easy and likely to go off and do anything, whereas he has no interest in that.

People do change and relationships must change to accomodate them. Sometimes that's not possible, so it might be time to call it a day.