I want to travel but boyfriend doesn't

LegacyUser

As the title says, I want to go travelling and possibly move abroad but my boyfriend doesn't.
I've always been interested in going away and love my holidays more than anything. I want to see the world and all the different cultures.
Ideally I'd love to move somewhere hot with great facilities and have dreams of living in a house on a beach in California.

My boyfriend on the other hand wants to build a house in Ireland and start to settle down. He's happy enough with his job and likes life in Ireland. He's sick of paying rent and his Dad has a site for him so he wants to build there.

I really don't want to build a house here as I'm afraid I'll always be stuck here. I kinda feel I'll be isolated from my family as the area we'll build on is all his family. I get along with them but I don't want to have the same life they have.

We've been together five years and recently I've been wondering if we should stay together. I really love him and had visions of us getting married someday. We're not engaged and probably wouldnt get engaged for another couple of years anyways. We've been living together from the beginning. I know he was never too pushed about travelling but thought he'd go for a year at least.

Now, we've come to a point where I'd like to make plans to go and he'd like to build a house in Ireland. It's not my decision whether we should break up or not. I'm absolutely gutted. I dont know how to decide between seeing the world and being with my boyfriend.

If I stay, I'm worried I'll end up resenting him for not coming with me and giving me the chance to travel. But if we break up I'm afraid I'll regret it and we may never get back together. A few years is a long time to be apart and I dont know if I'll even move back to Ireland.

I've given five years of my life to him and had planned on staying together. It's the hardest decision I've had to make and I don't know what to do.

Salome

I think you know the answer - you wouldn't have all these doubts if you were sure you wanted to settle down.

You will resent him if you don't do the things you want to do.

Would you be able to stay together and do your travelling but not split up? Or do you want to break up so you have some freedom while you're away?

I think you've got to ask yourself if you've wasted the last 5 years or is it something you want to have forever. TBH, if you're posting something like this, I read that you want to break up, you're in a rut and you'll be stuck in that rut in the middle of nowhere forever if you don't make a move now.

AARRRGH

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can understand how this is very difficult for you.

Is your boyfriend not willing to compromise? Have you told him how important it is that you travel for a bit? One year is not a long time, and he should be able to give you that. If he can't, I think that is a sign you are not as important to him as you might think.

If you break up with him and go live your life the way you want to live it, you will eventually meet someone else, and you will find happiness.

On the other hand if you stay with your current boyfriend, and give up on the dream of travelling (which you won't have to - you can always go travelling in a few years) you will have chosen love over how you want to live your life. Although that is admirable, I think it could be something you'll regret.

Saying all that... here is what I would do:

I would tell your boyfriend, ok, no problem. Go build the house. I am going travelling for a year. When I get back, I'll move in with you.

It's possible when you get back one or both of you may have moved on, but that is a risk worth taking. All it would mean is your relationship wasn't as strong as you thought.

jessbeth

It's a very difficult situation to be in.

I also think if you don't go travelling you will regret it. It would be a good idea to travel and see a bit of the world before you settle down.

How about the two of you reach a compromise? You go travelling for a set period of say about 3 months while you're agreeing to stay together. As soon as you're away and have a clear ahead and start to experience different cultures you will be able to answer your own questions.

For example you might see that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side and you want to stay with your man and settle down or you might love it and the settling down becomes really unimportant and then you can decide whether to break up or not.

Best of luck.

Mr. Frost

jessbeth wrote: »

It's a very difficult situation to be in.

I also think if you don't go travelling you will regret it. It would be a good idea to travel and see a bit of the world before you settle down.

How about the two of you reach a compromise? You go travelling for a set period of say about 3 months while you're agreeing to stay together. As soon as you're away and have a clear ahead and start to experience different cultures you will be able to answer your own questions.

For example you might see that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side and you want to stay with your man and settle down or you might love it and the settling down becomes really unimportant and then you can decide whether to break up or not.

Best of luck.

Going travelling for a set period isn't what she wants to do.

OP I know it's hard but for your own sake, you really need to be selfish here. You only get one chance at life so I say do it. I'm not saying you should split up from your boyfriend, though if you go travelling that'll probably be inevitable, but it might not, BUT, you want to live abroad and he doesn't.
What I'm saying is, despite how you feel about him, you must do this for yourself. You'll be a lot happier. I'm speaking somewhat from experience.

I hear ya on the beach house in Cali!!

jessbeth

Mr. Frost wrote: »

Going travelling for a set period isn't what she wants to do.

OP I know it's hard but for your own sake, you really need to be selfish here. You only get one chance at life so I say do it. I'm not saying you should split up from your boyfriend, though if you go travelling that'll probably be inevitable, but it might not, BUT, you want to live abroad and he doesn't.
What I'm saying is, despite how you feel about him, you must do this for yourself. You'll be a lot happier. I'm speaking somewhat from experience.

I hear ya on the beach house in Cali!!

Hi Mr. Frost How are you?

Anyway back on topic. I know she doesn't want to just go for a little while but it may be a compromise you know. It doesn't have to be all or nothing especially when she is not sure.

PurpleBerry

AARRRGH wrote: »

I would tell your boyfriend, ok, no problem. Go build the house. I am going travelling for a year. When I get back, I'll move in with you.

OP, please don't phrase it like this though. It will sound to him like "You stay here and pour all your money into building us a house. I'm off on my travels for a year, then I'll come back when the house is built."

I'm not saying that it's what you mean, but it's likely what he'll hear. Unless of course you are contributing financially to the building of the house while away.

Monkey61

What I would suggest you do is plan to go away for a year at first and see how you like it. Realistically and depending on what job you plan on doing for the rest of your life, you will probably want to settle down at some stage in the future.

Presuming you are Irish, you can live and work anywhere in Europe forever, but there is a limited amount of time that you can spend in other countries without an awful lot of hassle. America for instance, you can only go for a very limited amount of time anyway so it's not like you would be going there permanently. Why don't you do that first? Get the 3 month visa (or can you do a year now?), go and live in California and enjoy yourself. Spend the next 9 months touring around the world and figuring out what you want to do after that. For all you know, a year away might make you realise that there's nothing you want more in life then to settle down with your boyfriend.

What's to say after that year that you can't spend eight months of every year living in Ireland and saving and the other four months travelling again. If your not pushed about setting yourself onto a specific career path then you have a lot of flexibility in your decisions.

Mr. Frost

jessbeth wrote: »

Hi Mr. Frost How are you?

Anyway back on topic. I know she doesn't want to just go for a little while but it may be a compromise you know. It doesn't have to be all or nothing especially when she is not sure.

I'm good, you?!

Yeah I know what you mean it's just intentions are well and good but that distance over a long period of time...things change, people change...I'm just saying. Having said that lots of people go away and their partner doesn't and they stay together so...

..I'm just trying to encourage the OP to go, find some way.

jessbeth

Mr. Frost wrote: »

I'm good, you?!

Yeah I know what you mean it's just intentions are well and good but that distance over a long period of time...things change, people change...I'm just saying. Having said that lots of people go away and their partner doesn't and they stay together so...

..I'm just trying to encourage the OP to go, find some way.

Me too, so we do agree.

Good thanks

Mr. Frost

jessbeth wrote: »

Me too, so we do agree.

Good thanks

Looks that way. Best of luck OP.

Zaph

Take it to PM please guys

thermo66

How about you go travelling for 3 months initially? You never know you might be horribly homesick and not want to go for a year. Explain that you want to go for some experience. If your relationship can't withstand 3 months long-distance after 5 years together its not very solid. I know lots of people who were all talk about heading off for a years travelling and were back within a couple of months. One girl went to Oz for a year and was back within a week ... no messing, she couldn't stick the homesickness. The reality is much different than the dream for some people.

Whether you should stay with him long-term or not .. only you know that.
Best of Luck !!

Alicat

There has to be a compromise, he can't expect you to ignore your own dreams and wants just to live his.

I agree with the suggestion of going travelling for a few months together. If he can't even do that for you then I don't think it's going to work out. I know you're not after a traditional "holiday" but if he'll compromise for you, you'll have to do the same for him.

After a few months you may even decide that it's not all you thought it would be and may want to go back home with him but you won't know until you try it out.

Queen-Mise

Really short and sweet. Couple of questions in your post:

1 Do you still want this relationship and this life he seems to have planned out?

2 If you do go traveling, do ye have to break up, for example if you go to Australia, can he not come out and spend a few weeks with you.

3 If you come back, and live in Ireland, do you still want to be living so close to his family. I live 50 miles away from both our families, it was a great idea.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

It seems everyone is leaning on the travel side. I'm at a loss at what to do.
This is something I always thought I would do and for the past few years I expected my boyfriend to come with me.

He doesn't want to give up his job for a few months to go travel. He's at the stage where he's ready to build a home, get financially secure and maybe start a family. I want to do all this as well but maybe in a few years time. The main problem is I want to do it in another country. He wants to do it in Ireland.

I guess I could go for a few months and see how I feel after that. But I'd hate to have either or us waiting around. If after a few months I decide I want to go for longer it wouldn't be fair on him. I'd love for him to wait for me and then we could get back together but it sounds so selfish on my part.

I'm not sure it's realistic to stay together while I go. But I'm so afraid of breaking up and then he meets someone new. I really see myself being with him forever.

Answering the last three questions:
1 - Yes I want this relationship. I want to build a home and family with him. Just not in Ireland.

2 - I'm not sure of the answer to this. I'd love to say no, but logic is saying yes.

3 - No, I'd prefer not to live directly beside his family. We'd be getting the site for free and that's another reason he wants to live there. I'd prefer to pay for a site and live somewhere in between.

I don't think either decision is going to make me happy. I'm crying everyday thinking about what I'd be giving up whatever I choose.

How do you break up with someone you're still in love with and who loves you back?

Piste

I think your boyfriend is wise not to want to quit his job to go travelling, with things being as they are he mightn't have a job to come back too. That might be one of the reason's why he doesn't want to travel. At the moment people are clinging onto what they have as people around us are beginning to lose so much. Maybe ask him if it's something he'd like to do later on.

Would you have to break up if you went travelling? Like it's not as if every relationship you have (friends, family) ends when you go travelling, so why should the relationship with your boyfriend?

AARRRGH

It looks like you're at different stages in life. He's ready to settle down; you're not.

You need to have a proper talk with him. Either he will compromise, you will compromise, or you'll break up.

LegacyUser

Hi, I was in a similar position a few years ago. With my bf for 5 years at the time - I wanted to go, he didnt! So after a long hard think i went. We didnt split up or anything - I didnt meet anyone that compared to him nor did i want to but I had a lot of fun meeting new people and seeing new places. Traveling is a must! He waited for me. It wasnt easy - sometimes it was really tough but it was so worth it! Even when i got back it was hard - he didnt understand the experiences I had and god love him with all my waffling which he still has to hear. Settling back was hard it took a while - I wanted to go again. I went for 6 months - Im back over 3 years now and we bought a house 2 years ago and live together and I couldnt imagine being with anyone else but if i didnt go I think i would have held it against him. Although its not completely out of my system ( I dont think it ever will be) i do feel at least i got to do some of my dream and dont regret a minute of it!

So from my point of view go for it - you never know you may never get that chance again and its one of the best things i ever did. If you and you bf are meant to be you will be... Thats my 2 cents but as you know its your decision - and either way its not an easy one to make! But it can be done and have a happy ending! Dont forget you can still mail him and skype him everyday and bore him silly with your stories ;-) My bf reckons its harder for the person staying behind!

Húrin

decisions wrote: »

As the title says, I want to go travelling and possibly move abroad but my boyfriend doesn't.
I've always been interested in going away and love my holidays more than anything. I want to see the world and all the different cultures.
Ideally I'd love to move somewhere hot with great facilities and have dreams of living in a house on a beach in California.

My boyfriend on the other hand wants to build a house in Ireland and start to settle down. He's happy enough with his job and likes life in Ireland. He's sick of paying rent and his Dad has a site for him so he wants to build there.

I really don't want to build a house here as I'm afraid I'll always be stuck here. I kinda feel I'll be isolated from my family as the area we'll build on is all his family. I get along with them but I don't want to have the same life they have.

This sounds like a division between two personality types. You really need to think about what you're doing. It is too easy to idealise "seeing the world" and romanticise living in a sunny place.

You say you want different cultures but you dream of moving to a western country with all mod cons. You don't want to be isolated from your family but you want to live thousands of miles away from them.

It is easy to dread "always being stuck here" but on the other hand, that is being grounded in a community. One could make the travelling life sound bad by calling it "transient and rootless, you don't really know anybody."

Why would you not want to build life with him in Ireland? Is it the weather? Constant sunshine is just as bad as constant rain.

LegacyUser

I'm in the exact same position as you. I have been talking about travelling my whole life and had assumed my boyfriend of 3yrs would come too. We were even talking about it around October 08 time. But he has changed his mind now and says he doesnt have any interest & is happy with living in Ireland.........bla bla bla. Im pretty sure im just going to go now with or without him due to the fact i dont want to resent him for the rest of my life etc if i dont get travelling - that would just be stupid.

Only thing different with us is that he lives with me in my familys home (with my parents) and i dont know what he would do if i was to leave. Hardly stay there with them on his own?? He cant afford his own place.....and he cant go back to living with his family (long story). Anyway....

I hope you do travel, it will be an experience and if you end up not enjoying it you can always come home or you may decide that ireland just isnt for you anymore.

Good luck xx

LegacyUser

It's so good to hear from people who were/are in the same position.
It's great to hear that someone went and travelled and then ended up with their boyfriend.

I know I'm making it sound like the grass is greener but I've always wanted to go places since I was a child. I don't feel any attachment to Ireland and quite frankly, I think the country is backwards and will never go anywhere while I'm alive.

Hurin, I do want to see cultures. I want to go to every continent and meet people in the same position and different positions to me. I want to learn things you can only learn by going to a place and seeing it for yourself. But I want to settle in a place that seems comfortable. I've been to California and fell in love. It's got opportunity, diversity, great weather, amazing scenery, brilliant facilities and loads of choice. It doesn't shut down after 10pm like most of Ireland. I work nights and I know how useless it is to live here when you've nothing to do but go on the internet after work. I'm just thinking of California as it has everything I want from a place.
I know I said I don't want to feel isolated but that was in relation to having his family all around me. Leaving my family is another heartbreak for me and one that I'll be thinking about as well.

I think the only way I can go from here, is to take 6 months and see a few places. As people have said, I may not like it and be glad to return to Ireland. But the only way I can know is to try it.

It's going to take a lot of conversations and planning but I hope we can get through this. He might realise he does want to go when he sees me going!

Thanks for the help. It's made my mind a bit clearer. I'm going to try talk to more people in the same position and make a decision.

Now, the next thread will be: Travelling on my own, I'm scared!

Thanks again

nitrogen

My advice is to go, but remember it's a long holiday that will await you, and unless you're working in a place, holiday memories will what you'll return with.

Remember that California will bring the same opportunities and responsibilities, as it will for any visa-less immigrant in the same field, with the same skills as yourself.

LegacyUser

Just wondering what age you and your boyfriend are?

LegacyUser

I wouldn't head to America (or anywhere) without the correct legal documentation and visas.
I'd only go if I got a green card which I've applied for and will hopefully get.
We're 24 and 26 years old.

We've been having talks and he's saying maybe he was wrong to blank it off completely and make me decide.
He's considering coming with me for a while. Hopefully he will!

LegacyUser

Hey im in the same boat its so hard i love my boyfriend so much but am so unhappy here I need to go and see Canada nightare honesly xx

metalgear2k2

Go, u will not regret it. If he really wants to be with you he will follow.

surfjunkie

in my situation i wanted to go travelling since i was young, i knew i wouldnt settle until i saw some of the world. my boyfriend wasnt as pushed, farming background, never was on a plane til he met me. we were going out 6 years at this stage.
in the end he realised he didnt want to be left behind while i went. we saved like mad and went together. it was the best time we ever had. he even proposed! it opened up his mind to travelling too, we often talk about where we will visit next. it also changed my mind. i had this idea about hawaii, would love to live there... but after visiting it on my trip i have completely changed my mind. nice for a holiday, no longer.
the economic situation changed completely while we were gone too, yet after seeing australia and other lovely countries i still would not live anywhere else but ireland. but i might not have come to that conclusion if i hadnt travelled.

wylo

Just go, whether you have a great time or not you will always regret not going and hold a blame on your BF because of it.

R.D. aka MR.D

I'm moving away to a completly different continent, luckily my OH is coming with me.

It's scary but you know what gets me through?

Those middle-aged people you meet with houses and kids who get a glazed look in their eye and say 'oh i wish i had of travelled when i had the chance'

Go, you don't want to be these people either.

Don't give up your dreams because of fear, even of fear of being alone.

Lockstep

Just be warned that it is extremely difficult to get US residency.